Searched for a similar situation I am in. Closure

This has been extremely difficult. But I think if I had given up a while back because I felt defeated than yeah I would have lost. Even though I haven’t given up it seems the door hasn’t closed. She said she loves me. She’s just so worried I will hurt her again she’s going against what her heart wants. I get she’s protecting herself. I just have to continue becoming a better person

Hi guys. Its been a while and lots has happened. Some of it good and some of it not so good. I will try to keep it as brief as possible but I’m writing now to clear my head after what has just occurred.

As we know she had started going out with a new man, Ryan. Since then we have gone no contact and I started my new job.

At the beginning of August something happened in my home town and she broke contact because she was worried about me. We started talking again. We escalate from texting to talking on the phone to her bringing me coffee to my work one day and a donut the next. She lets me know that she broke up with Ryan. Things looking good right? We continue interacting and escalate things more. We go have dinner a couple of times and she lets me see her daughter (huge win!). I finally kiss her and we go on a couple of dates, including doing yoga. It escalates more and now I’m in her bed and I tell her that I love her and she reciprocates the words (huge mistake). We were supposed to see each other later that day but she goes AWOL. She freaked out. She felt bad that she was lying to her friend about seeing me the past week. I want to talk but she doesnt so I leave her alone. This all happened in a span of just over a week, we moved oh so fast….

I sent her an email saying its just not working out. She apparently sees me as a stalker. I tell her that I wont chase her anymore and will leave her alone because I dont want her to be afraid of me and because its not going both ways (im chasing shes not). She doesnt reply. We go no contact again.

Its september now and my birthday. She comes into my work and surprises the hell out of me. She brought me a tart and a drink to enjoy. I walk her to her truck and we hug and she kisses me on the cheek. I felt so conflicted. I go to my home town for the weekend and when I return I call her and we are on the phone for a bit. We get disconnected but I drop by the dog park where she was at. We hung out and flirted just a little. I wanted to invite her to go eat but she invites me first. She follows me to my place and picks me up, this is the first time that she learns where I live. We eat and she drops me off. Now I hug her and kiss her on the cheek. The next day I call her in the morning but she doesnt answer. I leave her alone. No contact again…

October is here. It is now one year since we have broken up… Its her daughter’s birthday and I bought her a couple of gifts and drop them off at her house. She texts me later that night saying thanks and that her daughter knew it was from me right away. I dont respond… This was this past Wednesday.

Now we are here. Its tonight and I’m at a bar having a beer and boom she enters and sits next to me. I hug her and we talk. Catch up here and there but the conversation is interrupted frequently because the bartenders are her friends. I notice on her phone a guy is texting her. He sends three texts and then calls. She answers the phone but walks outside for the phone call. She finishes her beer, pretty fast, and says good bye. I ask if I can walk her to her trucks and she agrees. She says shes happy for me (about the things we caught up on) and I tell her that I brewed a beer and she asked how was it and I told her that I was saving it for us to enjoy together. She says something along the lines that she doesnt think that its a good idea to have a relationship of sorts. I ask her why and I forgot what she said but I call her out on the phone call by saying something like “its okay if you’re meeting a guy right now” and she says yeah she is meeting a guy and I tell her that I respect that but it still doesnt answer my question and she says that she has to go. I tell her to enjoy her night and that was it….

I feel defeated. I felt that I got so close to getting her back but rushed it and botched it up. Then the email didnt help. Now it looks like she found another guy and I’m here left alone. It doesnt feel good. I dont know what to do. I feel like I just want to give up but I dont know if that is the right thing to do. I still feel strongly for her but it seems like she’s trying to move on again. Maybe I just have got to move on. I know a year isn’t really a long time but now it looks like shes going onto another guy and what am I supposed to do now? Stupid me and my stupid email. I totally did this onto myself by sending her that email when it looked like she wanted me back but I pushed away. I just didnt feel good being called a stalker. I didnt feel good about a lot of things she said. IDK…

Sorry I just cant go to sleep….

The job I landed and that I have worked since then has absolutely sucked. I was constantly getting harassed by my coworkers. I started applying for new jobs and recently landed a new and better job this past monday. My first day of work is Nov 4th and I havent worked for close to a month now. I dont know what I am going to do this coming week now after this interaction. I mean in my mind. So much is going through my mind I need to be able to calm it down. I know its not the end of things. I know life will continue. I guess I just need to remove the expectations that I have had and that will alleviate my mental symptoms. I cant believe she found another guy again already. Like seriously? I’m hurt but why? We havent even been a thing for a year now. It looks like she was single for just three months. Do people really find others that fast? I mean three months aint really that fast but I havent even had a gf since her…. Maybe I just need to find a girl to go out with…..