Searched for a similar situation I am in. Closure

Well its another small while since I’ve been on here. Here is another update.

I dropped off some presents at her house on the day of her birthday. She wasn’t home but I got a text later that day saying thank you. She also said that she sees me frequently and she sent me a picture of her and her daughter eating ice cream. The next day she invites me to go do yoga with her (I gave her a yoga mat). I agreed. So the next day I go to the studio thinking she might actually blow me off but she does show up. She sees me and smile and we hug and exchange pleasantries. We do our yoga and at the end during savasana I reach out and hold her hand. After wards we go to our vehicles and there is some weird silence before we depart as if she wants me to ask her something. So I ask her what she is doing that night and she says maybe a beer and watch an episode of game of thrones. I ask her if I could join her and she says yeah but only as friends. This is where she informs me that she is dating someone. I calmly acknowledge it and say that its okay, just as friends. So we agree to meet at a bar in an hour.

We depart and she texts me a little later saying she cant meet me because she is feeling guilty. I go over to her house but no response. I leave and I get a text later saying she was in the shower. I say I figured. I go over again but she says shes at a bar having a drink but she’ll head over. So I wait….

She finally gets home and she invites me in and we talk. We caught up and then she asks me to “talk”. So I go on… I talk about all the things that I have learned, how I have grown up, and why I still havent given up and so on and so forth. We talk for several hours. We cry and embrace each other. She says she still loves me and that she doesnt love her new boyfriend because he isnt me. She says she has something “real” with him and that he is stable and when they fight he just leaves her alone until she calms down. She also says she doesnt trust me and that it would be impossible to get back together because everyone on her side of her life do not approve of me and she doesnt want to go through with that or even how to start integrating me back into her life. She tells me she thinks the new boyfriend doesnt love her either. It gets late so we hug for a long time and I leave…

I didn’t sleep at all at night. I was stuck on her having a boyfriend and it turns out that she met him and started dating him in January. It finally clicks in my head the last time we hung out in Jan why she acted strange over her phone as if she was hiding something and she totally was. She was scared I would find out. Anyways I call in the morning because I didnt sleep well nor was I going to be capable of working with my head distracted. My manager is totally fine with it and appreciates the call.

So I get out of bed and decide to go on the train in our city, something I’ve never done, to help me process the emotions and deal with them. I meet a couple of fine older gentlemen and I spend the rest of the day with them and it helped tremendously.

She texts me the next day and asks how I am. So I call her and we talk for a while. She asks if I went to work and I tell her the truth and she has this moment of “i knew it” and says that anytime she is in my life I am an emotional mess. I defend myself stating that before I didn’t care about my last job and wouldnt call in and just stay in bed and do nothing and let it affect my whole week. This time around, I told her, that my mental health is important to me and like a physical ailment I did the responsible thing and called in to work and instead of just doing nothing in bed the whole day I went and explored the world and met people and that I came to work earlier the next day (the day of the phone call) to be ready to work.

So she texts me again later that day after work just a random picture of a dog breed that she loves and we talk on the phone. I ask if I could come over to say hi to her and her daughter and she says she doesnt want to do that to her yet… I am not sure if she did say “yet” but I am like 89% positive she said “yet” which I think is a pretty big thing.

I wrote her a hand written letter explaining more things and acknowledging all the things she has to go through if she decides to get back with me and more things explaining why it will be worth it. I have yet to give it to her, i dont know if it is a good idea.

I tried calling her today but no answer or response as of yet. I only called once and left it at that.

I think the biggest things is that:
She says she doesnt love this new man even after five months of being together because he isnt me
She invited me to go see her and she almost didnt show up (because she felt guilty) but she did show up to go to yoga
she invited me inside her house when I came over when she told me that she couldnt see me
We talked for several hours
She texts me to see where I am

I remember when we were together, her exboyfriend that I stole her from would text her periodically and she would not engage with him and with me being the ex now she is interacting with me, talking on the phone with me and saying things like she loves me still. I think that is huge because if she was over me, she would ignore me like she did before with her other ex.

It hurt real bad finding out she got into a relationship so soon…. She said I should just do the same because she didnt wait for me but again I stood my ground and saying that she is worth all this that I am going through. I told her that she pushed me to be this new better version of myself and I didnt want to give myself to another person because I am hers.

Anyways thats where I am.

She goes to disneyland next week and she said just with her and her daughter but I honestly dont believe her. Her new boyfriend also has a daughter around the same as hers. I find it hard to believe she is just going with her daughter alone.

When we talked I told her that I wasnt there to say that I am better than him nor during any point of our talk did I talk about him negatively. I focused on what I have gone through and areas I have improved…

However in the letter I ask questions that are in reference to him.

I told her that yes she is the reason as to the start of my improvement.

Of course I am hung up on her.

I dont think more NC is the way to go. I have to go and actively create the feelings of attraction. Leaving her alone will let her focus on her new relationship with this new man and get over me fully. She said she doesnt love him because he isnt me and now it is up to me to light that fire from this kindle I have. That isnt going to happen by just stopping communication. She started talking again to me and I just have to show her that I have changed and not just faking it. I have to go out and make it happen.