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I think I need to do more than just 30 days, honestly. Yes if they are dating then I must let that relationship play out. My cousin pointed out that she is going to find things wrong with him too and she’ll realize how great I actually was.
I know I am a damn good person, sure I have my problems here and there but who doesnt? When I talked to my last ex before her she said she hadnt dated anyone in two years nor had sex because of me and how she felt she couldnt move on, and that was a bad relationship of mine. With this ex, she told me that I was the love of her life, and that she has never loved so intensely before. She said she missed all the things I used to do, from opening the doors (I am surprised men dont do that anymore apparently) to complimenting her to wanting to do anything and everything with her to cleaning her house out of pure joy. I know I was a damn great boyfriend and its going to be hard for this guy to reach what I did with her.
This might be her first serious relationship however, since she told me she met a guy when she reached out the first time in november but couldnt act like she was okay because she wasnt. Maybe its the same guy, who knows? But I dont even know if she is even seeing him. Maybe he is just a friend like she said, my cousin says shes lying. But I want to give her the benefit of the doubt. The text “here” was bland. There was no “here babe” or “here! :)” or something affectionate. AND that was the last message he sent. Its not like he said “thanks for the night, cutie, I really enjoyed the basketball game and I hope to see you soon” or something like that. It was just a “here” text and thats it. But i have absolutely no clue. Here I go overthinking again.
I understand obsession is not an attractive thing but honestly I dont feel that have displayed that much obsession to her. I sent one jealous/insecure text, apologized right after, then saw her at the bar but respected her decision to leave her alone. I havent called nonstop, nor texted her since my initial apology. I left an apology letter and a flash drive of memories for a christmas present. However I have told her about the flash drive when we first started talking and I was just following through what I had told her what I was going to do.
Do not send another elephant in the room text as Hijack suggested! Even after 30 days or more, don’t send it! You’ve done enough groveling and humiliating yourself.
If she wants to contact you, she will. But you need to stop reminiscing about the past and stop trying to think ahead as to what will happen or not happen. And stop obsessing about whether or not she is dating someone else. Take one day at a time.
Until you heal, going out with a different woman will make you sad and you’ll be thinking about your ex. It won’t take your mind off her! Look for a job in case you don’t get the one with Intel. Visit family and friends. Do things you enjoy. Work on hobbies or something.
If you can honestly control your drinking, the advice the therapist gave you is good. But if you usually drink to excess, you need to stop and go to AA.
If you are becoming a nuisance to your cousin, go back to your mother’s place.
PS: Most women find that younger guys are immature. Just saying..
I will not do anything concerning her, like you said I’ve done enough and continuing to do things will only push her away for good.
My cousin said she liked me because how fun I am and since we have broken up I have not been the same guy as before and that isn’t going to make her want me back either. I do need to return to enjoying life.
I have been applying to many jobs and will continue to do so until I get one secured.
I have been doing a great job with drinking only little for the right reasons. But I am still monitoring myself in case things go south.
I will do my best to not think about the situation with my ex. I’m doing tarnishing myself.
I won’t contact her anymore. I do have to move on. I might be okay with the breakup but I am not okay potentially losing her and that’s not okay. I need to be ok with that possibility and that life goes on. I know it’s hard but getting her out of my head, living life and realizing I can still have fun without her and happy then I’ll be able to heal better and that’s when progress will really start.
I need to give her space so things can reset and so she can do her thing too without me being there. It’ll be good for both of us
I have been doing things to get better but I haven’t been doing things that I love.
I haven’t climbed, I have hardly hiked, I haven’t worked out, I haven’t done yoga, i haven’t been eating healthy like before. I’m not really me at the moment. I eat very little, I look for jobs, I have hung out with friends but just to talk about the situation and not really just to hang out and have fun.
I need to be like her, she is still trucking hard without really skipping a beat.
Not trying to use it as an excuse but so many things have been transitioning in my life at this moment. Finishing school after eight years has also been giving me anxiety. All these things occurring simultaneously feels almost overwhelming.
I really want that job at intel. It’s my one chance to get a engineering job since I never got an engineering degree and they’re giving me a chance. I can’t mess this up!
I dont understand one thing.
While we started talking again she has constantly asked who I’ve been going out with and if I’ve been with anyone but I don’t have the right to ask the same thing?
Sure it would have been better if i asked instead of assumed but if she assumed i went on a date i would have clarified it too but I don’t wouldnt start ignoring her. I know I can’t expect people to react the same as I would.
After my ex got back in touch after NC, I sent her a picture of me and it was clear someone was with me there but was out of the picture. She asked who it was. It was my mother so I told her that.
I think often, exes can not want you back but still not want you seeing someone else. It’s a form of jealousy. I would be the bigger person and use this to your advantage, let her be potentially jealous of you and you should show her how calm and collected you are. After NC of course.
Maybe a second elephant letter will do no good, but I will disagree about dating others, it’s on this site: “Go out on a date. This is absolutely essential and if you are reading this, then I will recommend that you definitely go out on a few dates before ending no contact with your ex. It’s imperative for you to get some perspective right now and meeting new people is the best way to do it.”
This is exactly what I found: perspective. We can tell you about a better perspective on all of this but as said meeting new people shows you that perspective, which makes things much easier to see than having us tell you. For me it also helped restore confidence and tell me that yes indeed I am desirable to other women.
I read the guide several times over (even though I messed up some things over and over) but I had no intention of going out with another woman. I wanted to focus on my career and side hustles that I want to start instead and just focus on me, instead of chasing woman. I figured the woman I want would come to me instead of me chasing them around. You don’t chase a cat, they will run. You get what the cat wants (food) and they will come to you. Sort of the same thing. Obviously I haven’t had a chance to do that yet and her invitation over completely led me to dismissing everything and jumping the gun.
No offense, and I’m gonna come off as arrogant but I can get any woman I want but my problem is that I haven’t taken my eyes off of her. I don’t have a self confidence issue in getting a woman or feeling desirable, however I am uncomfortable with the thoughts of potentially losing this woman. I know what I have to do to get her back and my other problem is being impatient at the process. The website has said that you have to be patient. What makes me impatient is that she told me life is too short and it goes by fast and she is already halfway done so I feel that time is imperative for us if we are to succeed.
Perhaps I do need to go on a date but I am still unsure. She’s doing it (possibly) so maybe I should too. But like Patricia said, I can’t until I am healed from her. For now i will just focus on getting this job! I want it so bad!
She wants stability, and reliability.
If I can land this awesome job and get situated and get all my sh*t together and finally get stable I know I will me 1000x more attractive. Right now having no form of income, living with my mother is not eye catching to this woman. She’s done everything mostly on her own when she was my age, I know everyone had their own journey and their own pace but she is comparing my life to hers (which isn’t necessarily fair but she is using it as a benchmark in what she wants) I understand that. If I can get this job, and work hard in it for several months, continue going to counseling and work on my issues, and have my own place on my own, i know I can prove to her that i can bring stability that she craves and we can start over again. That’s what needs to occur. So for now I just need to focus on myself. I messed up this chance again, and like Patricia said before I wasn’t ready anyways to sustain a healthy relationship so I would have lost her regardless. It has to be this way. One day at a time….
Of course you can go on a date before you are healed from her. I did and it really did help. But it’s up to you.
Yes you need to get the job and moving out on your own but only for you, not for her or any other women, just for you.
My ex occasionally pointed out faults in me but fixing them didn’t make her stay. It wasn’t those faults that made her break up with me. If someone is feeling right in a relationship, they will overlook a lot of faults.
If someone isn’t feeling right, I think they use those faults as an excuse for leaving, when the real problem is as said on this site, a loss of trust, connection or attraction.
Yeah there were too many things that made her want to leave and she finally made up her mind. You’re right, if she really wanted to stay, then my issues she would have overlooked. But she didn’t. She said she doesn’t want to be not happy again and waste eight years or her whole life like with her ex husband.
I read your reply and started crying. I think I should just give up and move on. Learn my lesson, grow, and find someone else. I love her immensely but this is killing me.
She lost trust when I cheated on her and she lost attraction when I couldn’t handle my emotions. And that’s it. She was done with me. I wish I could get her back but like I need to start valuing myself and all this pain isn’t worth it.
I am so sad.
Everyone has a chance at getting back, even if you cheated and she lost attraction.
One of the things that stuck with me on this site, is it says your ex asked for a breakup, so give them what they asked for. I think of the saying, be careful what you wish for, as you might just get it.
Then later down the road, they may wonder if they made the right choice. If you give them the breakup they want and move forward with your life and find happiness without them, they may finally experience the loss and pain of breakup and look back at the relationship they once had and want it back.
I think of the emails she sent me when we broke up the time before last. Those emails tell me we had something pretty special. She said she was sickened with our separation and couldn’t sleep. She said she thought of our love, and all that I showed her, and that she was sick that she was walking away from possibly the love of her life. She felt that she didn’t deserve me. I know she loved me intensely.
The way we talked close to thanksgiving tells me the love we had was real and intense. How she cried. Her voice broken.
The night we hung our last told me how at peace we were enjoying our company. How we kissed all night. How we cuddled.
I do still believe we can be together and make it work. The stuff she posts on her IG makes me think she isn’t over me, except for one post but it was still directed at me…. But like you said i got to let her go through the break up and really experience it. It is hard nonetheless. I cry multiple times a day, even after two months of being separated.
I started reading a book today called “the evolution of desire”. I got to the part called “what she wants” and I saw I lacked in some important areas, which I was aware of anyways. I want to continue working on those issues I can change. I wasn’t far off, really. I just need to be more consistent.
I think about all the positive traits I had and we had as one. They are numerous and some were quite unique. But the areas I lacked were placed as a premium (according to the book) so she finally made the decision to leave me. But still I see all the many great things that we had. I hope like you said that she’ll eventually see what we truly had and indeed want me back. Shoot, I think she was there several times already going off how she would initiate contact and to the point of inviting me over. However I had to mess it up once more…
I think about that text I sent. My cousin and his gf, and an old friend of J’s all agree that that she was lying and she was indeed seeing him. I’m starting to believe it more and more. And if it is true, i wonder how that text I sent (i hope your date went great) really affected her. If it is true, then I would have essentially called her out on it and perhaps that confused her and that’s why she said she wasn’t mad and why she backed off. Another reason I believe it might be true is because of what her cousin told me about her when she was going through her divorce initially, she was seeing multiple guys. So maybe she started up again and when I sent that text it really threw her off. Idk. Like I feel that my text wasn’t really that bad if she was indeed on a text and that she didn’t want to be called out on it and lied that she wasn’t.
I think of my positive merits, and truly I am good person! She said that she just needed me to have a job and that I tried but not hard enough. I am trying now! But damn I do need to get a hold of my emotions. The book says women look for older guys because they are emotionally mature and I’m 11 years younger than her so it’s a big difference in emotionally maturity (even though I am more mature than many of my counterparts which I was able to get with her anyways). I feel that I am rambling.
She hasn’t blocked me on IG yet so I guess that’s one piece of good news, I feel that if she was truly over me she would have blocked me. I sent a merry Christmas message to her sister and later that day she posted a picture of them together (something she hasn’t done yet on IG because she says she hates her sister) so I know she is posting certain things because of me.
I know we can get back together! I am grateful that I have the chance to do so. I am thankful that i am aware of the things I need to work on so I can work on them. I just have to take it day by day and realize it’ll take a lot longer than just a month of getting it together. Wish me luck on my interview tomorrow! I hope I can get it! I feel ready to kick butt on the interview tomorrow and i hope I get an offer tomorrow!
Good luck with the interview! I think you’re on the right track with your efforts to get a stable job and with trying to get better control of your emotions:) I wish you the best of everything..
Thank you for the kind words.
The interview was insanely hard. It lasted just over an hour and I was grilled hard about the job that I am going to be doing if selected. I think I did okay but I didn’t kill it. They said theyll make their selection by the end of next week, I’m hoping for the best. I also didn’t get the job for the camera operator either. The search continues.
I know I need to stop but I’ve been looking through out message history and realized that in November we only went a maximum of 12 days of NC before she reached out. I also noticed that after the break up I have done way worse (making that public IG profile, mildly insulting her, not letting her speak to the point she stopped talking to me for the day) than sending that dumb jealous text and things were still going okay. Shoot she even said “I hate you” at one point. And it’s only been five days since we last spoke this time around. Time is going slow but I’m getting more hopeful again considering what I have done in the past and realizing it hasn’t even been that long. What my cousins gf said to me about wanting instant gratification is true. I am very impatient and I have to realize that it’s gonna take a long while probably to get things really fixed.
I’m not so much worried about her but now I feel lost in this world in terms of finding a career. I want to do my inventions and become an entrepreneur but finding a job that I use my degree in is difficult. I’m thinking of just becoming a server to save some cash to start small with my business and foregoing an engineering career. I am worried about so many things, predominantly financial. I have $110K in student loans that I am going to have to pay off real soon, and I don’t want to spend my whole life paying them off. It’s like a big fire in under my ass and to put it out requires me to have a fire extinguisher that I don’t have and the longer I wait the more I get burned up until death. I have made way too many mistakes and now is the time for me to get things right. I need to get a great paying engineering job (which is hard when you don’t even have an engineering degree) or risk it all doing my ideas which may or may not be successful. I’m having a hard time believing in myself and in my ideas to fully commit. I know I need to believe in myself but the stakes feel so high.
I wish I never got so many loans. I wish I didn’t go to school. It all feels like such a waste. I could have taught myself everything I learned at school and saved so much money. Now I’m here with a gigantic burden and a degree in general studies.
I feel like I’m standing in this trail but there is no clear path on where to go. I’m 27 and I don’t know who I am. I studied so much engineering but that’s not really my passion. I’m good at so many things but I’m not amazing at one thing. I loved being with her because I felt that i had a purpose. To serve her and her daughter. But now I don’t even have that. I’m just alone trying to figure out this next step…
I’ve never heard of a degree in general studies. What was your major? If you don’t have an engineering degree, it’s not a good idea to apply for an engineering job. However I hope you get good news pertaining to the job by the end of next week.
Talk with a counselor at the college where you graduated for advice on what career path would be appropriate.
“Serving” your ex and her daughter is not a lucrative purpose in life. You need a full time job in the real world.
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