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I wrote a reply but I think something went wrong and it didnt get posted!
I just shot myself in the foot!
Last night I went to go country dancing with my cousin and his gf and I was denied entry because I didn’t have a valid ID
So I went next door to a bar to hangout while my cousin and his gf dance. I invited J to come over and have a beer and chat since we were close to her house. I also acknowledged that I was respecting her decision to not spend the weekend together.
She finally replies at 11:20 and says that she just got home and was done for the night.
I ask her how her day went and she said it went good, she worked, hung out with her daughter, and had dinner with a friend.I tell her I thought that her daughter was with her father today and she replies that she went eventually.
Here is where I royally mess up:
I text her “I hope your date went great! I am happy for you”She replies right away saying she “went to out with Mona. But thanks for the assumption”
I text back “well its because you usually tell me the name of the person. It’s okay. I have accepted we have broken up. I know we are’t exclusive. Sorry to assume. I was hoping that if you did, that it went great.”
She says “thanks”
I text back “I’m sorry if I offended you. I’ll leave you alone. Have a great weekend!”
She doesnt reply.
I text back an hour or two later “J, I am so sorry for insulting you like that by making such a bold assumption. I realize it was extremely wrong of me to say such a thing when EVERYTHING you have done for me recently tells me that you would have never have done such a thing in the first place. I feel like a monumental ass! I am deeply sorry, J.”
She read my response in the morning but no response.
What is going to happen now? What exactly did I do? What is going on in her head? How bad is this exactly? I am going to not contact her for a while now.
Ugh, it was going so great and I just had to open my big dumb mouth. What the hell was I thinking??? I feel like I am back at square one or something like that.
To answer your question, the daughter is six years old. Its not too strange. She is a little mommy monster and loves her mom very much. She also loves me so of course she wanted to sleep with us two.
OMG!! You messed up big time. You shouldn’t have invited her out to the bar last minute late in the evening. Then to imply she had dinner with a date was showing jealousy. And in a way, it was like pouting again. It was nice you apologized, but that doesn’t make it better and she won’t forget it.
You can’t keep making mistakes like that and verbally apologizing. The way to show her you’ve changed is to stop the bad behaviors and ways you treat her. Always be kind and think before you speak!! Imagine how you would feel if someone spoke to you that way.
Stop contacting her. Be more patient and wait for her to contact you. I think you need to work more on how you interact with her. I know you’re trying, but I don’t think you’ve changed enough in that regard in order to make a better relationship work out. But don’t get discouraged, just keep trying to improve your emotions and behaviors..
I was incredibly insecure and i did think but i am good at making bad choices. I don’t know what compelled me to send it. Right when i sent it, i knew it was a mistake.
You think she will really contact me after this?
You’re right, i do need to continue working on myself. And you’re right, it has been too soon. Maybe I should leave her alone for more than a month to really make an improvement.
I can’t believe I messed up so bad.
I personally think you need to do another 30 days of NC after something like that. As said here the 30 days is so you can change and stop being needy and desperate and you showed her in an instant that you haven’t changed.
I know it is really hard to imagine your ex with another guy, but you have to let that go. What might help you is to go on a date with another woman.
I disagree with Hijack about you dating another woman at this time. If your ex found out, she would think your love for her is meaningless. Yes, at some point it may become obvious that she will not reconcile and that would be the time to start dating others.
In the meantime you have more work to do on the efforts to improve yourself. You asked if she will contact you after your blunder. I think she will if she still has some love for you..
What do you mean at some point it may become obvious? Are you implying that she does not want to reconcile already after that text? I know it wasnt a great text to send but I have a hard time understanding that she will forever close the door on me after this one incident. Or do you mean at some point as in if I keep trying and trying but she just doesnt want to do it? Or is that the same thing? Im still in disbelief I sent such a text to her but at the same time I feel like it wasnt an absolutely horrible text but maybe i am rationalizing. ugh… I feel like i put myself back on square one and I hope she isn’t done totally now because of this one mistake!.
As much as she is a hard rock, I also find it hard to believe that she doesn’t have anymore love for me after this blunder. It would be akin to flipping a switch on an extremely strong emotion after showing a bit of jealousy and insecurity. She knows I am a work in progress and I have been giving efforts in improving myself.
I agree too about not dating another woman. I am also not interested in doing so because I simply do not have any desire to date another woman.
I was thinking of writing a letter and putting it in her mailbox alongside a photo I took of our night we spent last together this past week of us holding hands and a flashdrive with all the photos I have taken of our relationship. I have written the draft of my letter already but I dont know if that is a good idea either. I told her that I appreciated everything she has done for me, I clarified to her that I have accepted the breakup but have not given up on us, I acknowledged that I have to work on the things that caused me to send the text and I apologized once more, and how I want to work on the five languages of love to show her my appreciation for her. I wanted to put it in her mailbox on christmas.
I finally got my car running and I have been studying hard for this interview with intel. I am excited about the chance to get my career going in a great company.
Like Hijack said, this last blunder showed her you haven’t changed. And it is another negative thing on top of all the others in the past.
What I wrote was:”at some point it may become obvious that she will not reconcile” Which means she might not want to reconcile. OR she might have the desire to reunite with you. If she hasn’t already explained exactly what needs to happen in order for her to be happy with you, then the two of you should discuss it so both of you understand what each of you can do to make a possible relationship better than it was before.
Although the letter and photos seem like a needy desperate needy thing to do, go ahead if you think it will help, but don’t do it on Christmas! Let her enjoy a nice Christmas with her family without any added drama. Call or text her Merry Christmas, that’s all for now.
You said you thought about what you said before you made the jealous insecure comment (I hope your date went great. I’m happy for you), but you said it anyway, and then said you are good at making bad choices. That’s the point, you need to gain more control over your insecurities and what you say and do.
As to the letter and photos; I’m sure she already has some pictures and what you are thinking of writing is just repeating what you’ve already told her. More apologies ring hollow until you show her you’ve changed by the way you treat her without pouting and without showing insecurity by not making snide jealousy type comments and the like.
PS: she has a right to go out without telling you who she is with! And you need to stop jumping to conclusions.
Continue working on your insecure thoughts and behaviors.
I think things will go well if you change for the better.
Good luck..
I think I just ruined it for good.
I went to the bar she frequents to write that letter to drop off in her mail box and she was there. I decided to just go and talk to her. I entered the bar.
I went up to her and said “is this seat taken ma’am?” And she turned to me with a smile, as if she was expecting someone else, then saw me and stopped smiling for a split second, then forced a fake smile. She was very uncomfortable. I asked her how she was and she said she was good and asked me how I was and I said not so great since I sent that message. She said she wasn’t mad about the message, I told her she should be. She was still very uncomfortable. I asked her if she wanted me to leave. She said kind of. So I left her alone. I left the bar but then decided to go back and get a table elsewhere to work on what I was going to be doing.
So I set up, and a bit later she left and we made eye contact. I couldn’t tell her facial expression but she left earlier because of me.
The reason I jumped to conclusions is because when she dropped me off on Thursday, I saw on her phone a message from a Dustin saying “here” sent on Tuesday. That’s the day she went to the basketball game. I found that Dustin following her IG. And guess what? When I walked into the bar last night, that was the first person I saw there, he works as a bartender. When I saw and sat next to her, she made a quick glimpse to him and i could tell he was looking at us for a split second. I believe she wasn’t mad because she is seeing someone else, him. And perhaps she was lying that she went out with her friend Mona. My cousin thinks so. That would also explain why she was so uncomfortable too.
I wrote the letter, put the picture and flash drive in the envelope and dropped it off at her mailbox. On the outside it says do not open until 10:58 pm on 12/25/2018 because that was the time we met.
Anyways NOW I’m gonna leave her alone. My cousin and his girlfriend told me I’m acting crazy by doing all this and it’s just pushing her away and I need to be listening to all the people telling me all this advice. I get all this advice yet continue to not listen and I just keep digging a bigger hole. If I didn’t ruin it with that text, I’m sure I ruined it with what i did yesterday.
I have to leave her alone because I’m delusional apparently and I think my chances are done. I want to be positive and still believe but my delusionalness has probably ruined it for me now.
I’m just gonna stop doing anything. I’ve done so much now to ruin it. If she contacts me then it’ll be a miracle. If not we’ll i just have to move on now.
Stop going to bars! If you’re serious about stopping the drinking, the last place on earth you should be is in a bar! Going there to write a letter was dumb. You could’ve easily written it in the comfort and quiet of your own place. Then to go back in after leaving was even dumber. You’re correct in that you continue to make very bad choices!
She has a right to date Justin or anybody else. You’re not in a relationship anymore. I understand why you would feel hurt, but you shouldn’t ever display jealousy.
It’s too bad you dropped off the letter and flash drive in her mailbox. Common sense should have told you that was a bad idea, especially so close to Christmas.
I hope you read the post I made earlier this morning. And your cousin is right, you’re acting crazy. You absolutely need to get control over your thoughts and behaviors!
I don’t know if this last incident is the “last straw” for her, but you need to make changes regardless of what happens as you haven’t made enough improvement to be able to sustain a normal relationship. I guess you haven’t been in therapy long enough to help you..
Someday in the future, when you’re more stable financially and emotionally, you might think about dating a woman closer to your own age without children so you can have a more normal relationship and start a family of your own.
I had been home all day and my cousin left with his girlfriend and I didn’t want to be home alone. I had errands to run before certain stores closed too so I had to wait in writing the letter until I finished my errands.
You’re right. She does have a right to date anyone.
I thought flash drive was a good idea to clarify some things up. But I also thought it might be a bad idea too. I hoped it was a good idea.
I did read the post earlier this morning. She has told me her desires in what i need to do to earn her love back. So I know what i have to do. But when we hung out this last Wednesday I just got so damn hopeful that we were gonna get back together and lost control.
Yes I need to start showing more than saying. I know that. But doing is taking so damn long and seeing her so soon made me want things instantly and words are instant. But like you said they ring hollow when I haven’t been making sufficient changes.
I know I need to continue making improvements and I have but it’s only been two months and only a month since I started getting in a better path. Yeah I haven’t gone to counseling enough, it’s only been three sessions after all.
She was my ideal woman. I like older woman. Each girl I have dated has been progressively older than the previous. My last gf was 8 years older. I loved her kid and I don’t want to have a child of my own but I did enjoy helping raising hers. She was perfect for me in terms for what I look for in a woman. Smart, cultured, educated, experienced, takes care of her physical and mental self, is beautiful, is caring, I don’t really have any desire to date in my age Pool. They like to party and drink and aren’t cultured and act dumb.
I don’t want a normal relationship, I loved our unorthodox relationship. It was great.
We should have never have started talking so soon, I wasn’t ready. I needed more time. I was hoping to have a job and my own place before we started talking again.
But I jumped the gun.I am embarrassed.
On her IG, two hours before the bar incident yesterday she posted a selfie and the caption read “be BOLD be FIERCE be YOU”. I wonder what that meant.. all her previous posts have been solely Christmas related so for her to post that was interesting. I feel like that means she’s gonna do her own thing now and do whatever she wants. But my problem is over thinking.
After I left the bar to go drop off the letter, I couldn’t help but throw up in the parking lot from the anxiety. I need to just stop chasing her, stop thinking about her because I feel that it’s eatinf my brain away. I mean she’s dating someone else potentially, at the very least she’s still going out and having fun and I’m here doing nothing but killing my brain because of her. I need to keep myself busy with other things. I’ve know that.
” I didn’t want to be home alone.” You’re a grown up aren’t you? Being home alone is no big deal. Do you live with your cousin?
“I just got so damn hopeful that we were gonna get back together and lost control.” I don’t think you understand that it’s a slow process to get someone back. Being hopeful is one thing, but being too anxious before making the necessary improvements needed is another.
You’re letting all this affect you mentally and physically. Get back to therapy or talk with a mature person or a pastor. I think it will take a very long time for you to get control of yourself.
Maybe you’re overthinking things because you don’t have a job and have too much time on your hands.You also need to stop trying to guess what stuff means on social media! What good does that do for you?
Yes, you need to calm down and stop contacting her.
I didn’t say “date” another women but go on at least one date with someone new. This is what the site here says to do, and I think it’s to help get your mind off of your ex. I did this and although it didn’t totally make me forget her, it did actually help.
I personally think what you need to do now is go 30 days again, send another elephant letter, and let this relationship with Dustin/Justin or whoever happen.
I will say that I have dated, myself. I suppose it is easier as my ex actually left me for another guy so all that obsession about her dating someone else is just as old as the breakup and now it just is what it is. The first date I was just going through the motions, so I get that feeling of not wanting to.
But it’s been a few months now we are apart. earlier this month I went out on three dates with this woman and after that third date she became obsessed with me! I liked her and was attracted to her but with the shoe on the other foot, I can completely see how off-putting that obsession is. I want nothing to do with her because of it. I broke it off but she still texts me and is now sending me love songs. I totally, 100%, get it now. This has helped me tons with becoming much more balanced with this ordeal of trying to get my ex back.
I must clarify on the drinking. I stopped drinking for the wrong reasons, getting drunk. I had told my counselor about going sober and he said that it is not a good idea as it is real stressful and will most likely to cause me to relapse to drinking irresponsibly. He said to ask myself why am I drinking. He said that as long as I have the right reason to have a beer or two then it is perfectly acceptable and more realistic to keep me doing things responsibly as opposed to complete sobriety. I have not gotten drunk since then but I have had a beer here and there. For example I saw a friend for the first time in six years and we had one beer.
Yes my cousin was telling me the same thing. He said that itll be up to a year realistically. His girlfriend was attacking my generation saying that we millennials want instant gratification. Yes I was aware that it was going to be slow but when she invited me over, all notions of pace went out the window.
I havent been to therapy this past two weeks because I go to therapy in my town and all my interviews recently have been in her town. I absolutely want to continue going but at the same time, I want to land a job and I am putting a priority in finding a job to start my career.
Yes having no job leaves me a lot of time on my hands.
I have been living everywhere these past couple of years. I had my own apartment, then moved back home with my mom, then started living with my cousin in her town, then back to my mom to finish my last physical semester at my home town, then moved with her for half the year, then we separated and moved back to my mom. Since then I have been coming up periodically for those job interviews. I have been straining my cousin with this situation and he feels that he is enabling me by letting me crash at his place. I told him this past time I had only planned to stay for a day and two nights for that last interview but my car decided to die on me. Anyways I am typically fine being alone but yesterday I was at the house all damn day just working on that flash drive and when they left I wanted to go out too. So I planned to do my errands and send of that gift of hers. But being here at my cousins, sleeping on a cot and wearing the same pair of clothes for a week now, I wasnt exactly feeling great about just being left alone for the rest of the night.
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