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It’s good you did get out there and date, I think.
With my ex, we were together 4 years, split 8 months, then got back together 1.5 years, then split again and we have been apart 3 months. During the first time we split I felt sad when dating. I compared, and nobody was good enough.
When we split this final time, I didn’t date for a month. I did compare but that was good, because it meant I had high standards. I actually did meet someone who I instantly hit it off with, and she was better than my ex in many ways. She was so interesting and attractive that I actually forgot about my ex while anytime when I was with her. We only dated for about a month, but even though that relationship didn’t work out, it did show me that I can find someone else who does it for me, and now I long for my ex so much less. Sure, I still think of my ex a lot but that experience really did take the edge off.
I’d take some time and see how you feel, you may surprise yourself, I sure did when I met that woman.
I agree that going out on dates during NC might not always be a good move, but in this case?
What I read is he met his GF though her husband who had a cuckolding fetish. He lost his virginity to a married woman while her husband watched, then eventually began a relationship with her.
You said you are sure he dated other women and got an idea of what kind of woman he wanted. Well, I am not so sure. From my perspective, he probably didn’t have any success dating, and his motivation for entering into this relationship had nothing to do with his insight about what he wanted in a partner. I think his initial motivation was just to get laid.
Sure, he fell in love with her and all that, but to me it sounds like he has a lack of experience in dating. If true, I think dating others would give some perspective in all of this that you can’t easily get otherwise.
Sure, send the elephant letter when you are ready. I would give it more time, maybe another month or two.
You said you lost your virginity to her, so I assume you have never been with another woman. I think you should at least see what other women are like. Go on some dates.
I had to do some googling about mouth herpes, apparently, it’s the virus that cases cold sores, HSV-1, and 80% of people have the virus already. As long as you can verify it’s HSV-1 and you don’t have an active outbreak, I don’t think you need to disclose that to anyone.
HSV-2 is the bad one, and if you have that, you should disclose that to dates.
Since you started as friends, maybe your ex felt more of a compassionate love than a passionate love, while you felt both. You were madly in love and maybe she didn’t love in quite the same way. It is hard to tell what her feelings really are when you are on the side that is all in.
The good news, I think, is that I think your chances of reconciliation are good. Most likely she will not feel any bad feelings toward you at all and will begin to miss her best friend, and when you are back around she might again feel the closeness and comfort she felt before and may want to be with you again, provided you can be there for her and aren’t going to exit her life again.
I think the reason for the elephant letter is to help you regain contact with an ex who wants nothing to do with you. It sounds like you have already done that though?
I would not read much into her reaction at the party and unblocking. Maybe she misses you, is happy to see you or wants to talk, but that does not mean she wants you back.
You have to tread carefully at this point, though. Exes often just want to test you to see if you still want them back, even if they don’t want you. You have to take that power away from them.
My ex-GF did the same thing to me, She detailed the various ways I was not good enough for her. Then sometimes she would backpedal on all of it and talk about our future.
It was all BS. There’s nothing wrong with me. All she was doing was trying to rationalize the way she was feeling at the time.
Nobody is perfect, but don’t tell someone they aren’t good enough. That damages self-esteem and makes everything worse. It is a step forward to acknowledge that you should have treated him better, though, and my ex never did that (and probably has no clue she did anything wrong.)
Maybe this is obvious but if you start talking about getting back again someday I hope you can treat him with dignity and respect.
Affairs are often fantasy relationships. They exist in a bubble, with the two people sneaking around to be together, they experience just the highs of a relationship but little of the real life things that make real relationships hard. They may be in love but they have no idea what is in store for them when they try to live together.
This might not survive the stressors of the real world. It may take some time for that to happen. Maybe in a few months to a year or so he may realize that leaving you for her was a grave mistake.
Sorry I can’t give you better advice. This is a pretty difficult situation that I think will take some time to resolve.
I know that the chances are low, at least, with the methods described here. Someone in another thread said that maybe reconciliation is more likely to last after being apart for years, not just a couple of months.
Besides, what I want back is not her. The her of today is awful and I don’t even want to talk to the person she is right now. I want back the person she used to be. She was an amazing girlfriend for the first 4 years.
She has also said she missed the way we used to be and wanted our old relationship back too. For that to happen we both need to change, and I don’t see her doing that.
I still do not want to talk to her. If I did talk to her now, I probably could not control what I said to her. I would tell her all about how selfish, disrespectful and just plain difficult she was. I would detail everything about her poor behavior that led to the failure of our relationship. It’s best I don’t.
I am feeling better about this relationship being over. It ended badly, with her hating my guts, but by getting back in touch and being friendly, her missing me, her thinking of me in good terms, her not hating me, it feels like now I should just use this opportunity to exit gracefully.
I’m still giving it the full 30 days this time around, and seeing how I feel.
I am not sure that any of the advice on this website really applies here, and I am not sure what NC will accomplish in your situation. NC seems to be more for when your ex is unsure of you, not for when you are unsure of your ex, or that you and your girlfriend love each other and want to be together but external forces keep you apart.
This is really a cultural issue, and this isn’t completely about your parents’ values. This is about your own values too, as you feel compelled to heed your parents’ wishes at the cost of your relationship.
If your parents’ consent is really that important to you, and you don’t see any way to reconcile the lack of consent with being with the woman you love, then maybe, just let this go and find someone else someday. Or, look within yourself and figure out if maybe, you do understand your parents’ perspective about it all, and maybe it’s not about them at all, but that you, yourself aren’t sure of this situation.
Even if it is you who is unsure, that doesn’t make it any easier to get over a relationship.
I don’t know if it’s against the rules or not, but I will say that from what I have read here, the strategies here are more for much longer-term relationships so I don’t know how well they will work for a relationship that lasted only two months.
However, being your best self and recognizing why the relationship failed, whether or not it leads you back together, are both always helpful.
I am doing another round of NC. It’s been 10 days, except for a merry Christmas text she sent me, and I replied with just merry Christmas back.
This time it feels different. I think I am falling out of love with her. I am not sure I want to talk to her or see her anymore. I have begun to remember all of the bad about the relationship, and there was a lot of bad. Especially the last year we were together, she became an awful girlfriend. Selfish, disrespectful, cold. I wanted to leave her many times but held on thinking it was a phase, and it wasn’t.
I’m giving it the full 30 days this second time around to see how I feel, and if I am not ready, I’ll let it go indefinitely. I am sure she will send a new year’s text (or maybe she won’t) but if she does I don’t think I will reply.
When I think of her today I only feel a mix of disgust and frustration, if there is a word for that.
Everyone has a chance at getting back, even if you cheated and she lost attraction.
One of the things that stuck with me on this site, is it says your ex asked for a breakup, so give them what they asked for. I think of the saying, be careful what you wish for, as you might just get it.
Then later down the road, they may wonder if they made the right choice. If you give them the breakup they want and move forward with your life and find happiness without them, they may finally experience the loss and pain of breakup and look back at the relationship they once had and want it back.
Of course you can go on a date before you are healed from her. I did and it really did help. But it’s up to you.
Yes you need to get the job and moving out on your own but only for you, not for her or any other women, just for you.
My ex occasionally pointed out faults in me but fixing them didn’t make her stay. It wasn’t those faults that made her break up with me. If someone is feeling right in a relationship, they will overlook a lot of faults.
If someone isn’t feeling right, I think they use those faults as an excuse for leaving, when the real problem is as said on this site, a loss of trust, connection or attraction.
After my ex got back in touch after NC, I sent her a picture of me and it was clear someone was with me there but was out of the picture. She asked who it was. It was my mother so I told her that.
I think often, exes can not want you back but still not want you seeing someone else. It’s a form of jealousy. I would be the bigger person and use this to your advantage, let her be potentially jealous of you and you should show her how calm and collected you are. After NC of course.
Maybe a second elephant letter will do no good, but I will disagree about dating others, it’s on this site: “Go out on a date. This is absolutely essential and if you are reading this, then I will recommend that you definitely go out on a few dates before ending no contact with your ex. It’s imperative for you to get some perspective right now and meeting new people is the best way to do it.”
This is exactly what I found: perspective. We can tell you about a better perspective on all of this but as said meeting new people shows you that perspective, which makes things much easier to see than having us tell you. For me it also helped restore confidence and tell me that yes indeed I am desirable to other women.
