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I didn’t say “date” another women but go on at least one date with someone new. This is what the site here says to do, and I think it’s to help get your mind off of your ex. I did this and although it didn’t totally make me forget her, it did actually help.
I personally think what you need to do now is go 30 days again, send another elephant letter, and let this relationship with Dustin/Justin or whoever happen.
I will say that I have dated, myself. I suppose it is easier as my ex actually left me for another guy so all that obsession about her dating someone else is just as old as the breakup and now it just is what it is. The first date I was just going through the motions, so I get that feeling of not wanting to.
But it’s been a few months now we are apart. earlier this month I went out on three dates with this woman and after that third date she became obsessed with me! I liked her and was attracted to her but with the shoe on the other foot, I can completely see how off-putting that obsession is. I want nothing to do with her because of it. I broke it off but she still texts me and is now sending me love songs. I totally, 100%, get it now. This has helped me tons with becoming much more balanced with this ordeal of trying to get my ex back.
I personally think you need to do another 30 days of NC after something like that. As said here the 30 days is so you can change and stop being needy and desperate and you showed her in an instant that you haven’t changed.
I know it is really hard to imagine your ex with another guy, but you have to let that go. What might help you is to go on a date with another woman.
My ex-girlfriend left me for a lot less than that, so it sounds like your ex is pretty resilient and you might have a chance. I will be frank, though, it also sounds like you have a lot of work to do to change for the better, but you are young and have your whole life in front of you, there is so much you can do to better yourself.
I personally went 30 days then sent the elephant letter. I think you need to send an elephant letter too. Considering what you said though you might need more than 30 days.
You said “I have no idea how to prove to her I’ve changed” but by saying that it sounds like you haven’t changed enough. The site basically says that when you meet her after the NC period she will know if you have changed. If you have changed enough you’ll have confidence and won’t be wondering how to convince her. If it’s a charade to get her back she will figure it out.
She responded favorably to my plan #3 and wants to meet me again after the holidays. She said she misses me and is remembering the good things about us.
However, she claims to be deeply in love in the new relationship and has confessed with me something about our relationship. She told me she knew three months before we split that we had to break up.
She said two things. First that she broke up because she didn’t see a future. The second thing she said was that she wasn’t feeling the way she should feel about me. So basically she lost her connection to me. But you know what, I lost it with her too.
Again, she gives me nothing but evidence that this is a rebound. The guy is completely different than me. Plus she told me today that he meets none of the criteria she thought she wanted in a man.
What kind of scares me though is that she essentially told me that the reason she loves the new guy is the deep connection she feels with him. It’s precisely the thing that was missing in ours and I am now realizing is the reason our relationship failed.
This site was perfect at getting me to this point with my ex. It however doesn’t give specifics on what to do now. I think all I can do is just be there on the sidelines in her life and be patient and see what happens. If this works at all it will be a very long process.
A question was asked of me on another thread “You guys broke up and got back together againn then broke up again?”
Yes. We were together for over 4 years, split for 8 months, back together for 1.5 and then split again. Those first 4 years were good years. We split because I didn’t put enough into the relationship and although I was blindsided by the split, I knew I wasn’t doing my part. I never did NC that first time or worked on improving myself, I just learned to pay better attention to her and try harder in the relationship. We were apart 8 months during which she dated and when she broke up with a guy she was seeing, that was when she took me back.
It probably made me look needy to try so hard to get her back, and she never respected me much during that last 1.5 years. I think it was because I never went on to improve myself or to recover from the breakup as I am doing this time.
I haven’t contacted her in a week. With advice of friends I am about to do my plan #3 above though.
Was the reply “You guys broke up and got back together againn then broke up again?” intended for my thread on here? If so go ahead and reply that to my thread and I will reply to it there.
To answer your question about hope though I don’t think it is wrong to have some hope, just don’t let it eat at you. By the time my ex replied to me I had zero and I had no emotion when I saw her text. Only after she agreed to meet and I saw how she was, did some hope start to come back.
There is always the chance especially if you improve and show how much better of a person you have become. I think what has begun to shake my ex a lot is that I was clearly unhappy with her and now I am happy without her. She did comment during our meeting about how great my life was going now. Hers is not going great.
I have heard hot and cold means he is about to take you back. This was true for me, as my ex and I broke up two years ago and got back together and she was hot and cold just before we got back together.
Yes I do think you should do NC. I was pleased with what it did for me. It was really hard for me waiting those 30 days and during that time I had little faith that anything would change, but there has been some progress. I don’t know that I will get her back this time, but as long as I know I tried and stuck with a plan I will know I did what I could.
Probably the best thing about the 30 days is it’s given me perspective on the relationship and I know I can move on if I need to now, and it won’t be that hard.
Thanks, you are right she has to figure out this on her own.
I also think she is not over me but yet she is throwing herself at the new guy because she is so desperate to get over me. It is sad and pathetic to see this.
I can think of 3 things I can do but can’t decide what to do.
1. NC. I have already started NC while I think about what to do and it’s been almost a week so far.
2. Wait a few days and text her something unemotional, funny or something to get her talking.
3. Send a message saying I support her decision to move in with the guy. Then say I was worried because her wanting to move fast is not what I would expect, and that I care for her, she’s like a little sister to me now and I want her to be happy.
According to this site I think #2 would be the choice.
However I am getting a weird vibe, she told me during the meeting that she wants to be friends but not if I am a threat. I am feeling that if I am anything but a totally non-threatening guy right now, she is going to say we shouldn’t talk again. Especially since her new guy knows we are in touch and she is probably telling him everything. If I come across as a threat then I think I will lose the battle here totally. For this, #3 seems like it would work, come across as no threat but at the same time do it from a position of power.
Then there is #1, NC for another 30 days, which I am thinking of too, because if she leaves him I don’t want her to think she left him for me. I don’t want to be around so she doesn’t blame me for pulling her away from this relationship. I want her to leave him entirely on her own, then come looking for me.
