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Hi there, I’m very knew to dating and would really appreciate any advice from you guys. I’ve written a pretty long back story but you can scroll to the bottom to jump straight to the current problem I’m facing. Thank you!
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So I’ve dated this girl for slightly over a month only. Very short time but we really connected and she mentioned that she liked me a lot and she happens to be the first girl I’ve ever truly dated in my life.
She’s 6 years older than I am (in her early 30s), so at the start she was very skeptical and
since week 1, kept mentioning how things would never work out and I’d spend time talking her out of it and we continued seeing each other.The messed up part is literally every week she’d bring up how we should stay friends or stop talking etc… And how she wasn’t looking to date yet as she’s finding herself because she felt broken… until I came into the picture.
So throughout our dating life, she’s been very confused between liking me and finding herself.
I’d like to think I’m pretty self-aware and clear headed most of the time, so I knew what I was getting into right from the beginning.
So about a week before we broke up, I gave her a small gift mentioning it’s for celebrating our 1st month together and as an Xmas gift.
She really liked it and was being all sweet etc… But the next day and the following week she immediately turned cold. Replying slower and doesn’t initiate texts as often but in between this week, she’d drop by to look chat for like 2-5mins if she happened to be in the area.
At the end of the week on a Sunday, she was all nice and suddenly things took an immediate turn over a joke (wasnt anything personal and she started the thing so I played along).
On Monday, Xmas Eve. I reinitiated text and tried to get her to compromise to stop being mean and she dropped the bomb on how things aren’t working out for her and she doesn’t want this as much as I do and she’s open to being friends.
Having dealt with this for an entire month took its toll on me and I basically told her that we should stop talking because I was looking for smth serious and not be a text buddy.
She respected that and I went on to “text her a novel” of my well wishes and thoughts, no reply.
2-3 days later I broke silence and texted saying how I was the one who said we should stop talking but I truly felt that she’s someone important and I’d like her in my life.
She replied saying she appreciates it and maybe she just needs some space.
Basically I tried reinitiating text with her every 2-3 days after that and she’d reply but end the conversation. After that I wished her on New year’s day and discovered this blog and started No Contact for about 6 days.
I reflected a lot and realised towards the end of our dating, I started to get clingy and needy (notfull-on crazy but maybe 6/10) which probably made her feel pressured thus the whole thing blew up.
I also reacted negatively to her “break up text” by being very emotional.
At the start, I was very bummed out and disappointed when it happened. But I never blamed anybody. I was more obsessed with what went wrong and how I could improve myself.
During the week of no contact, I really came to terms with a lot of things, been improving myself in many ways as well.
And having that week of sobriety and allowing my emotions to calm down, I still felt that I still like her and wanted to try my best.
So I texted her.
We’ve been having very short conversations (like 1-3 back and forths) almost every day. Sometimes I’d wait 1-2 days before reinitiating.
I’ve tried memory text a few times, asking her opinion on shows to watch and being vulnerable by sharing my thoughts on some stuff.
But here’s where my problem lies.
1) she never reinitiates.
2) sometimes she’d be snarky in her replies by saying “you should know this” “didn’t we talk about this”
3) she’d be showing interest and positive replies then suddenly stop replying until the next time I reinitiate. I’d even be asking her a question and she’d just not reply.
4) lastly, she doesn’t open up. Like when I ask for her thoughts despite attempting to be vulnerable first or even some general questions, she’d simply not answer them and reply with a separate question of her own.
5) I’m not sure if she’s seeing anyone but I think she very recently met someone not sure if they’re talking but I’d like to think so. No basis but pure gut assumption here haha. Emotionally it sucks to think of this possibility but I’m coming more from a place of what can I do to be the obvious choice to her.
So I’m hoping to get any advice on:
– how I can solve these issues,
– escalate things to a higher level (like getting her to open up, getting to calls or even a date),
– your thoughts on the whole situation…
– or even funny jokes and conversation tips to help build stronger trust and rapport with her.
Thank you for taking the time to read this far, I really appreciate it 🙂
Stop bombarding her with texts. She said she didn’t want to be with you so until or unless she changes her mind, it won’t get better!
Thank you Patricia!
So are you saying I should just do a permanent NC until she decides to contact me on her own? (Or never at all)
Try no contact for 30 days and then contact her to ask how she’s doing. Depending on the response, you’ll have a better idea as to whether to continue communications or if you should move on.
Good luck.
Thank you for your reply again!
Just want to clarify further, does it have to be 30days?
I’d like to think that I’m fine though. Yes I do really like her and want us to get back but I can also accept that we won’t after all I don’t believe I can force it if she doesn’t… All I know is I miss speaking with her and truly like her as a person and I want her in my life not as an acquaintance and I’m worried that a 30day NC will cause her to forget about me, seeing that we’ve only dated for such a short time and my gut tells me she won’t ever reach out to me on her own.
Then again maybe it’s my lingering affections speaking here haha…
Or is this NC more for her to figure out what she wants? Because during our dating she did mention she was in her healing phase recovering from past wounds, not looking to date and I made her confused by making her like me.
Maybe I’m also overthinking here but seeing that she still replies to my texts, engages with my jokes etc… but doesn’t allow the conversation to extend or get personal makes me feel that somehow I’ve hurt her (although she was the one to initiate the end, saying how she doesn’t want this as much as I do) and caused her to close up on me while still wanting a connection.
I’m pretty clear in what I look for in a partner and do not like wasting time on meaningless dates. I’ve been on dates but never beyond date a 2-3 if I find the other party isn’t what I’m looking for and I wont waste their time either… And it took me years to find someone I really like and want to settle down with which is why I’m so obsessed with winning her back.
Sorry if I’m rambling, just wanted to be thorough here.
Latest update, we joked around a little today over text and I got busy and sent a gif to end the convo.
Then nearing evening I sent a funny picture teasing her to reinitiate and she didn’t reply despite seeing it.
Waited 2 hours and sent a follow-up “Sorry that was a bad joke” and asked a different light hearted question.
Seen it but no reply.
I’ve never done this “apology” approach before since breaking NC and wanted to try if it’ll change things but guess not.
I’m planning to take your advice with the NC from this point onwards but if by some form of divine intervention she reaches out to me on her own, what do you suggest I do?
Also, should I do an elephant text as a final gambit before going NC?
To kinda stir things up a little to assure her that I’m serious about her and understand she’s got her issues.
I’m a little uncertain here because I don’t know if my situation is serious enough for an elephant text.
Honestly I don’t think I’ve done anything serious like cheating etc… What I did do however was be emotional. The ending text she sent saying “she knows she’s the one to blame in this for being confused and dragging me into it and open to keeping in touch as friends”.
I replied by saying how I see she’s thought this through and respect it but we should stop talking at least for now then I went emotional by telling her a long list of my sincerest well wishes for her and how I hope she could find what she wants etc…
Somehow she replied by finding a fault in my reply (not in me spewing emotions) saying guess that’s one of the issues she had and I responded by saying how she should have told me.
So from this, I feel like there’s an underlying situation which she’s not telling me and I feel like I’ve hurt her somehow, like maybe by me completely ending things when she was in a vulnerable state. I really don’t think I was wrong in standing my ground after being taken on her roller coaster of push-n-pull.
But I definitely am wrong in how I handled things and my replies to her. After reading up here and articles online, I’ve learned that I should never have reacted over text.
But I digress… Thanks for your help!
Last post sorry, realised I left out the elephant message.
If I do go ahead with the elephant message, this is what I had in mind:
“You might be wondering why I’m doing this.
Honestly I do want us get back. But I am okay with whatever happens, so you don’t have to worry about “dragging me into anything”. I am in a good place right now and truth is, I am texting you just because I miss speaking to you and be the one to reach out. I don’t have a goal or an ulterior motive for texting you. I just want to see what happens.”
Yes I mostly copied what was on the site haha.. but that’s cos it’s largely how I felt as well.
Again, thanks for the help!
The site says to be skeptical about getting back, and you changed the first sentence enough so it doesn’t convey that. The site said “Honestly, a part of me does want to get back.” You took out “a part of me” which takes out skepticism.
Ah got what you mean. I’ll add it back in.
So would you recommend sending the elephant text at all?
Maybe I could make it really clear that I’m skeptical by saying stuff like “I’m not expecting us to get back for now because I don’t think I’m/ we’re ready.” Something like that?
Thank you!
Sometimes being more concise is better, as instead of “I’m not expecting us to get back because I don’t think we’re ready” it may be better to just say “maybe we’re not ready.”
I briefly dated this woman once who I thought was great, but she was like yours, still going through a breakup. And I was working on something in my life too. She was pretty unsure of how things were going, so I told her that I think she is pretty much exactly what I am looking for, but maybe we aren’t ready. If we try this again in a few months when the timing is right, we could really be great together.
She really liked that and soon we entered into a relationship.
Thank you. Your words are really helping me a lot.
What happened to you guys? Did you reinitiate with that elephant text after a 30 days NC and slowly reconnected again?
Or the other way around where you sent it and then went on a long NC before re-entering her life?
I’ve re-edited my elephant message could you let me know your thoughts? Also I’m thinking of sending it over text maybe tomorrow (we haven’t talked at all today) and following the 5 days rule after.
If this doesn’t work out I’ll do a full 30 days NC before re-engaging again.
“You might be wondering why I’m doing this..
Honestly, a part of me does want to get back and you’re pretty much what I’m looking for. I’m okay with whatever happens, so you don’t have to worry about “dragging me into anything”.
Maybe we’re not ready yet and if we tried again in a few months when the timing is right, we could be great together.
I am in a good place right now and truth is, I am texting you just because I miss speaking to you and want to be the one to reach out.”
Again, thank you so much for your help. I’ve seen your replies in other posts and love the advice you’ve been giving. You’ve really been through alot which is amazing. From your experience, what’s helped to keep you strong?
Sigh,
I’m just very confused if there is even a shot at this.
Sometimes she replies, sometimes she doesn’t. Sometimes when she doesn’t reply my question (i.e. where’s this place…) She’d post up an instastory or two and I could be overthinking but it might be an indirect response to me.
Guess Pat is right on the money. I do need NC for both her and myself.
Sigh,
I’m just very confused if there is even a shot at this.
Sometimes she replies, sometimes she doesn’t. Sometimes when she doesn’t reply my question (i.e. where’s this place…) She’d post up an instastory or two and I could be overthinking but it might be an indirect response to me.
Guess Pat is right on the money. I do need NC for both her and myself.
Should I still do an elephant first before the NC or not tho?
The elephant is after the NC, as I understand it.
I think you need to do NC, but given the length of your relationship I would say do less than 30 days, maybe a couple of weeks, and I am basing that on some advice in the comments section of this site.
Thanks for the compliments, I have been through a lot. One thing that keeps me strong is learning that the grief you feel from heartbreak is actually your brain changing. Of course grief sucks so we desperately try to get our exes back so we don’t have to go through it. But by doing NC we can experience that grief without trying to hide from it. It hurts a lot more but the grief changes us for the better if we let it.
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