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Am not sure i get the reason why you guys broke up? If you were sexually abused then why is he having trust issues? You were the victim right? If anything, a partner (that too 28yrs old fellow) should be there for you with more trust than ever to help you get past it and make life better again.
Cos if this is really the case then I think he is yet to mature in a relation (you mentioned it is his first). Physical infatuation lasts for some time in a first relation always since lots to explore. Emotional connect is tested during such trials. If he is blowing hot and cold then it is better for you to let him go. Am suggesting all of this based on the fact that he isnt trusting the victim (you) of a sexual abuse here.
Thanks @Jenna129x for replying 🙂
I never made it sour or spiteful for her to leave this relation. She is my childhood friend first!!
My love for her is way too much to bother her with any of her decisions.As a matter of fact after my 8 days of NC she contacted me and was crying, wanted to meet and confessed she still loves me n has put herself in a mess by agreeing for this guy and she has no feelings for him. I told her I’ll have to block her to help her move on and she begged not to else it’ll kill her.
She called up yesterday night too (she stays back late in office cos she wants to avoid meetings with the guy and work gives her peace now) just to say good night. The tone was VERY sweet for some reason (could be just an emotional imbalance in her state) and again in morning later today when she started crying while talking (said she posts on fb for me, still reads my old sweet messages i had sent in insta and deleting my old email where we fought, etc).
I know it has hit her now what step she has taken and what it could lead too but am not sure if she has the courage to step out of it. Her engagement is scheduled in a little over 2 weeks. I do not wish to be the cause of another engagement broken for her.
Hope she comes back to me on time but am trying to keep least possible hopes 🙂
@Spaceman3005, you have been given some really good points by @louis!
I’d like to add that it might be good during this NC itself that you take professional help if needed. Sometimes talking it out to a person who wont judge you and still help you figure out the reason behind your behavior goes a long way!This forum does provide a good platform but most of us arent exactly well equipped to deal with emotions and that is why ended up being here! We learn from our own mistakes and better if we learn from others’ mistakes! Going through certain topics on this or any other forum will help you a lot in avoiding future mistakes but professional help will give you a calculated direction too. I do not recommend professional help easily but in your case a wife and a kid is involved and if I were you, I’d take help from these forums as well from professionals
Am 30 and recently going through a tough time myself. I have realized that women are much more fragile and very emotional on a daily basis. We men are more practical on a daily basis and emotional when critical moments like these arrive. It is a constant effort to narrow this gap in a relation. Love is an emotion and thus we men have to put in a little bit more effort to narrow this bridge! Not like we are not capable but we are just not used to it as much.
Women will give a chance and open themselves up again but they will ALWAYS keep a watch on the smallest actions which might hint towards past behavior which led to break up.
On the other hand sometimes they are so broken that they misconceive an action and connect it to past behavior. In this case professional help can work wonders on both. NC can work in your case better cos you guys have a kid together so sentiments are involved as of now. Very limited scope of a rebound situation I mean.Good luck!
Its more important to understand why you guys broke up and why did you guys decide to get back.
In this you’ll find the answer to her not committing herself totally, her insecurities, her fears, etc. Once you find that out, it will be easier for you to decide if you can work on those issues and then it can be decided if you’re capable of putting those efforts.
Flowers, etc is just a temporary solution. Its a good gesture but temporary. Break up didnt happen cos you didnt send her flowers. So try to dig deeper.
Good luck!
Thanks @kneechan !! You’re not in pointing out the emotional instability. In fact you were bang on! She didnt exactly choose the guy but her parents did for her and she just went along with it. Ours is a regressive social environment and love marriages are not exactly accepted without resistance from families. Am not going to deny she became weak when her support would be needed the most but I love this person and it doesnt hurt me at all to let go of her if she feels she’ll be happy somewhere else. Or for that matter if she turns back around magically I’ll surely be keeping your words in my mind about sitting down and having a serious talk about how to take things ahead if at all.
My NC period has been going good too! Am glad both are able to encourage each other during this period! I know one thing for sure, if her happiness is what means more than being with her to you then it is highly probable that she’ll notice this and try to connect at some point. Albeit with a little caution but she’ll surely want to check if its worth giving another shot. Girls do not get over a relation so easy and a rebound works temporarily in making them feel better but then its back to the older feelings. Also, it looks like you’re using the mutual friends to good effect!!
I believe you’re improving your chances everyday right now! Just a gut feel.
Just a matter of time when she will start noticing you.Its okay if she crosses your mind every now and then during NC. It happens since this was not a passing fling but an emotionally invested relation. That doesnt mean you have to further sulk in this feeling.
If you really want to have a shot at the relation again, man up, improve yourself to the point where she will see what she is missing out on and make her moves on you again.
It is not right to say that for anything to happen between you two it has to start with her. It has to start with you improving yourself first. Why would she care to start anything with the same person whom she left? So obviously you have start improving if you really want to have a shot at it. If you feel that she misread you and you’re not exactly at fault and dont exactly need an “improvement” then NC will help both clear out your heads. At the same time use this period to improve your overall personality (join gym, play some sport, read up, go shop, have a new style, groom yourself more often etc). Trust me, the change will be noticed.
MOST IMPORTANT, try to be happy without being dependent on her or anyone emotionally. This is the best step in the direction to get her back. Then your confidence will speak for itself. Women want to see a confident man always.
Also, try to make her happiness your motivation and not just getting her back. This mentality will make you a lot stronger when she decides to come back to you and then you know you have a much more solid foundation to build your new relation with her!
@kneechan, she called up yesterday and asked to meet. We met, she was happy n then cried a lot and confessed she always has and always will love me and that she has put herself in a bigger mess by going ahead with a guy so soon (and set an engagement date too).She confessed she does not get any feelings for the guy but he is a nice guy and everyone likes him as of now and it is difficult for her to do anything. There came a point in our discussion where she was willing to dig up some dirt on that fellow and find a reason to end it. She complimented on how i lost weight and was looking nice and lean. Feeling my arms, hugging, etc. I told her I’ll block her from my end if she really needs to move on and she told me not to dare block her as it will kill her. I know she loves me a lot but she is stuck cos we come from a society which requires real guts to go against the wishes of our parents. Hoping she manages that or some miracle happens! This was I think my 8th day of NC and she had a serious breakdown cos she realized how life is without me. Just keep us in your prayers guys! Yesterday was a weak moment for me and I had to break my NC but am restarting it for my own good.
Also, @kneechan, you can use your mutual friends indirectly may be. I mean once they see you happy and changed, posting pics, etc I believe the word will reach her ears too. You dont have to ask about her well being to anyone. Just be a gentleman and say you wish the best for her if any conversation of that nature comes up among friends. You’ve been pretty strong till now and am sure it will not take longer before she notices the new you. Just dont lose focus of yourself here 🙂 Like you suggested @simon here, become the person she fell in love with the first time. I would say, now is the chance to become more irresistible! Work on the things which bothered her. Make her believe its better to be back with you rather than invest time & effort in knowing someone new and finding their faults.
@simon, I think @kneechan has given really good insight to your situation as well! You’re young, have a lot of room for making changes, lot of energy and you just need to find the right motivation to get going in this NC period!Good luck 🙂
It doesnt look as if you’re “okay” without her. It does sound like a rebound but she has to realize this. You trying to tell this will not have any effect. You having any emotional/ intense conversations with her will either drive her away from you or confuse her more.
Use the NC period to your benefit. Things will turn around.
Am just trying to help love win!
I would suggest dont try to keep her in mind when you are involved in some activity (with friends, gym, work, etc). When you’re alone I can understand it becomes difficult to avoid thinking of her and it is okay to do that. It is not bad to remember how much you’re capable of loving someone. It is healthy till you keep in mind that you are capable of loving and making positive changes.You’ve to not only change that side of yours but also forgive yourself so you can actually start afresh! May be with her only!!!
Being in school, being hit upon by a lot of other people, assignments, tests, etc can be taxing at times. Mutual friends can be useful during this period in a LDR while you maintain NC.
Just repeating again, make yourself a more irresistible personality and it will be noticed by her surely.
Thanks for acknowledging some of my extra long suggestions and if anything, just pray that I get back with her sooner!! Lets call me ‘M’ and her ‘C’!
For you, I always hope you not only get awesome but also get back with her !!Girls like attention from everyone and LOVE attention from someone they like!
You dont have to ask her point blank about her feelings. Just be cool about flirting and notice her responses in terms of how many times she responds, quality of responses, how many times she initiates, etcFlirting does not need to be 24 x 7, you can do it in between lines while having normal conversations too. If you ONLY keep doing normal conversations doesnt mean no other guy is flirting with her.
People do enjoy when they get breathing space.. be in in a relation or being single! Jealousy, possessiveness, getting clingy is normal in a relation but over a period of time if not taken care of then leads to fights, arguments and more which cramps the breathing space.
Currently you cannot do anything to make her leave this feeling and come back running to you. The fear of suffocating in the relation was real for her. Am sure she misses you. During the NC period use your social media to some effect to portray you are changing and become better. Not to make her jealous (although she might become a bit). Dont message her direct in any way. Post it for public view or something. Just throwing ideas here.
Sometimes, it helps when they either see a person accept flaws publicly or get to know through mutual friends that the other person has changed for good reason. You know your girl better and can decide what she would appreciate more.
NC periods are hard but they are the MOST reformative! One who comes out stronger from it has a lot more to look forward to life. Obviously your chances of getting back with your ex also enhance!
Am not saying whether to give a gift or not. Christmas is still more than a month away. If she contacts you first on a positive note then may be you can think about the gifting else I wouldn’t suggest doing that.
The hug was an example to show that it is not possible to gauge right now what could click when you meet her. Could be a gift or as simple as a hug.
I can imagine the feeling you get when you wake up in the morning and realize what you lost…but if it makes you feel any better, am sure she also misses you the same way. Just that right now she is hurt and feels free cos of the new found breathing space. She needs to put up a strong face in front of others cos not only she is a strong woman but also she cannot afford to become emotionally weak. So cut her some slack cos as much as she misses you, she has responsibilities to take care of.
She talks to friends about her stuff, etc cos I feel she wants to somehow get to know about your well being from the mutual friend or some information. She will not directly contact you so soon cos she has felt hurt, deeply.
The NC period works better when you really work on yourself. Just know that she does miss you and if she aint dating anyone yet then you do have a window of opportunity if you make those amends soon. If she does not use the stuff which belongs to her but is with you then dont bother about it right now. FOCUS real hard on yourself during this period. Everyday you either build yourself or remain stuck at the same point which means you’re not an attractive option for her. So decide for yourself if you want to wake up being motivated to get her back (knowing she still misses you) or do you want to just sink yourself in the sad, lonesome feeling.
Love ain’t easy! But its worth putting effort for till the last moment!
You dont need to be “over her”. Just try to evaluate whether you can be happy without her too. If not then you still need to work on yourself. Once you reach this stage, then also if you still not “over her” it means you are ready to pursue her again with renewed enthusiasm and personality!
You seem to be a good sport! Good luck!
