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Hi @Anne02, thank you for going through my post 🙂
You’re right about everything. In fact just recently we met up and she discussed how to get this guy out of the picture without her losing any reputation in her social circle (she has had one broken engagement earlier cos the guy cheated on her but our society is kinda orthodox so she is shit scared). She also agreed that even though my words were and they angered her but she shouldnt have taken such a big step. She is regretting it now, we met the other night, spent some quality time, some good discussions too but am not keeping my hopes high as of now. She has to muster a LOT of courage to say no to this guy, go against so many people to be with me. She cannot bear the thought of not having me in her life (am also same) but lets see what the future holds for us 🙂About your case, am sorry to that the guy is not able to take a stand. He should realize that parents are going to be there for some time with him (not hinting at death but instead how one spends more time with a partner only) and it is VERY IMP that you choose the one you love and not whom your parents love. He might be thinking he is sacrificing but in reality he is just not manning up.
@Anon1236, I think this fellow needs to grow up. To be very honest, am not sure if NC will help him but am very sure NC will do you a world of good!!
He is imagining things which never happened and that is going on since quite some time. Its time for you to go NC without informing. I hope you are willing to do that.
Please let me know if I can be of any help.
Good luck!
This behavior is VERY odd and I believe you need to re-evaluate are ready to deal with this kind of behavior even after you guys get back?
This is not something that goes away in one discussion. It goes away after experiencing different situations and him putting the effort to learn and grow from it.
Sorry @Anon1236 am having a really hard time in figuring out how exactly have you hurt him? This is a first relation for him and he has to be open to communication if he really wants to work on it.
You managed to shove off the guy who tried to kiss you so I think you avoided the situation just on time!
Am really not able to understand what exactly has hurt him. Am not sure if this is some kind of 10th century self-righteous behavior getting into him or what.I would suggest ask straight if he wants to have a conversation about the issue or else my advice is go NC indefinite without informing. If you fall weak then you’ll never be able to get hold of this situation.
@lou84, she is definitely confused but is putting up a strong face. Give her the space and you should learn to be cool when she contacts you. Try hard NOT TO talk emotional stuff, or to make her jealous. Let her know you respect whatever decision she takes. If you guys didnt have any problems of dishonesty, cheating, abuse then it should not be difficult to get back but if any of the above is a cause then it’ll take longer.
It should work!
Have told a lot of people to use the NC period to do some self improvement. You seem to be mature for your age and I really hope you take this time to do the right things for you 🙂Use this time to do some self-reflection and figure out what was REALLY wrong cos of which the relation took a wrong turn. This can ONLY happen once you stop blaming yourself and her. You have to become objective while analysing this. Google some exercises to learn how to become objective. I have posted in one thread over here too. Just sit in a corner in the house, close your eyes, listen to everything around you but DO NOT have any thoughts regarding those sounds. Example, why is mom shouting, who is playing the radio so loud, did a plate fall, which bird is singing, why is the dog barking, etc. Just learn to be a passive observer. This will surely help you get up real soon!
Good luck!
Therapist is not a necessity if you can have enough self control and self realization. Generally being involved in the situation it becomes difficult for one to become objective and find a solution that is why a therapist helps. In your case I think you should try practicing self-realization techniques everyday and how to be less dependent emotionally on anyone else for your happiness (although your son is enough motivation for you to be happy).
I tried practicing the following 5 min everyday whenever I felt slightly relaxed:
– Sit in a corner in the house with your back supported by the wall
– Close your eyes
– Hear whatever possible sounds you can like radio, children, parents, birds, cars, etc but DO NOT start a thought process after listening to those sounds.In the last point what am trying to say is just be a passive listener and not someone who gets involved in those sounds and forms thoughts (why the kid is shouting, what parents are talking, which bird it could be, whose car, etc). Slowly JUST FOCUS on your breathing and make sure it is normal and not rushed. Worked wonders for me.
This practice helped me become objective in life situations and thus emotionally more stable cos of which during my ups and downs am able to lift my spirits up relatively easily. Currently am almost in the process of reconciliation but havent raised my hopes too much cos am able to control my emotions not the outcome. Keep the focus on you become more stable and independent. Women like to see that in men.
When your wife sees a mature you, she’ll feel those changes and that the time when you will have your chance to take things ahead. This time will help her also heal from the past experiences. After the healing if she notices a changed you, she’ll be more than happy to initiate future talks.
Good luck!
I met her yesterday and she was talking about getting back and how to deal with the social stigma once she decides to break her new relation off. They had their first fight cos of me cos she kept comparing him with me, him saying she is very demanding (she only asks for attention like any other girl), him telling her she will never be satisfied no matter what he does (he barely does anything for her. If anything he has put her in a social situation where she cannot come out easily). She infact once told him “please dont harass me M”. Yes, used my name. He has sensed something is amiss and offered to postpone the engagement, and her dad was also not in favor of things going too fast. She has realized the mess and yesterday we shared dinner outside, spent some good time but am not going to raise my hopes yet. She is scared with the thought of losing me and equally scared that breaking this thing off will bring some social stigma to her own social image (she had a broken engagement prior to we dating wen the guy cheated on her). Explained her yesterday how I’ll help her move on but eventually both of us have to forget each other for good if she chooses the other relation for her own good. She broke down and said she doesnt feel it is right to go with this guy. Then said god sent all signals that he might be the guy. I told her god doesnt “send” signals while you’re in a relation where you’re happy but he does test your patience every now and then to see whether you repeat past mistakes. She agreed how every nov-dec has been difficult for us. She noticed how her mom supports the guy no matter if he is wrong or she doesnt feel its right and how she was against me even if one small argument would happen. She has enough reasons to take a call but I just want her to be happy and ready for whichever decision she takes. Have explained her how we’ll have to stay together away from families (in our culture its a rarity) for some time and how my mother supports it. It made her relieved some what.
Am telling you all this so as to attest to your earlier statement that maturity in handling a loving relation (during and after the break up) can go a long way in reconciliation or healing. Am very glad that you’ve come to accept that your love is nothing less than special to you and choose to respect it by becoming the best version of yourself which your girl would want to see. Trust me, if your efforts are genuine, you WILL get another shot at this. Granted, sometimes, people date someone else during this period but that is just a small blip!
Just reading about how motivated you feel now is a very satisfying feeling cos it shows you have been touched by true love 🙂
Its okay to remember her, cry it out sometimes but NEVER forget to remain motivated cos this feeling of love not many people get. People use the term “I love my partner so much etc” a lot more than they should. It is people like you who are capable of giving meaning to that statement my friend 🙂You’re doing the right things and it will be a matter of time when she’ll notice it and communicate. Am proud of see you respect her and the emotions you shared with her! There is no way my friend this goes waste, trust me. You’ll end up getting another shot at it. Am not going to advise to wait for God or Nature to do it for you. Yes, we dont stop praying but we keep doing what we have to do on our part. Currently you focusing yourself is the first step and you’re doing it beautifully! The second step, approaching her, will be A LOT easier once this step is done!
Am here anytime you need! Also thanks for sharing it with me, it gives me immense pleasure in seeing someone truly understanding love 🙂
Please dont apologize for the other thread, it can sometimes get confusing even if you’re creating a thread so its ok 🙂
Partner acting hot and cold can be very annoying but this is the time when you have to look for the reason behind this behavior. If she is fearful of something then all you can do is be there for her while she deals with her fears. It is not an easy thing to do but no relation comes on a bed of roses. The only thing which makes it easy is that you love this person. So let that love rule the emotion and not your anxiety/ fear/ irritability in this situation. Every relation needs one of the partners at times to understand that the situation can be diffused by keeping quite. Constant fights mean none of them get it. AM not saying it not normal to fight. It is normal. But more important how you approach the reason behind the fight and try to sort it out is more important.
Just give her the space she needs right now and try to become a cheerful person so when she comes back for a dialogue she doesnt see the old you but a new, evolved you and it will encourage her to give the relation another shot. Right now you’re being needy and you need to shake off this attitude real quick if you want to attract her again to you. Put yourself in her situation and then think would you like to come back to someone acting needy?
Have you been in touch with him over text or calls?
Dont send any more needy messages. If someone is being so adamant then it is advisable to give them their space and you move on with your life. Use social media to show them you are happy. Dont try to make them jealous by posting pics with just guys (unless you have to or want to). The purpose is to make him realize what he is missing out on. Even if then he doesnt feel like communicating then you need re-evaluate if this relation is worth working so hard for alone.Some sensitive people do take a lot of time when their insecurity comes to the fore but if this is the ONLY issue between you two then 7 weeks is an awful lot of time and by now he should have shown the maturity in having a constructive dialogue. Avoiding such a dialogue shows immaturity on his part.
Thinking about him isnt wrong. But if you end up forgetting who you are in the process then do you think he’ll come back to this needy person? Please know that men like to see confidence in a woman. Sensitive men will easily get hurt, will misconstrue events in their own heads, wont communicate openly, will come back to their senses after calming down.
If he isnt showing maturity then you have to. Go NC for a week to begin with. DO THINGS which you like to do. Remembering him isnt a crime but not working on your self improvement will be a big mistake. You’re young and should not have trouble finding motivation to pick yourself up from such a small situation. Dont inform him you doing NC. Be active with friends and family. Enjoy your holidays. Its a bad cycle when you keep sulking. Start doing small things everyday you like, may be go for a run, listen to good music (not the heartbreak types please), read a little, give work some more time, make new friends, call up old friends just to say hi… there are a thousand ways to keep you occupied but if you choose self-pity then no one can do anything dear. Trust me this is a small issue right now and if you handle your emotions right then he’ll come to you for a dialogue.
Better to have a face to face conversation.
Discuss the insecurities and come up with a concrete solution as to how you guys can address it if possible.Even after the discussion if he is still unsure then go NC without informing him. Without an open communication and following NC what might happen is that both of you might miss each other and get back without really resolving the issue. Insecurities are a MAJOR ISSUE if not addressed on time. DO NOT take them lightly. It takes a lot of time and effort to address these.
Good luck!
@Lou84, i think one very important thing @patricia12 has pointed out is that right now focus on what is it that keeps bothering the two of you and you work on your part while give her time to sort it out on her side.
If i have to elaborate her point in a logical way it would be something like this:
– Currently your ex doesnt want to be with you cos of a certain recent sour event.
– Being in touch with you right now is only going to make her remember the most recent eventful interaction which is the fight.
– Also understand, it was a 5 month relation and she was in another relation before this (1.5yrs back so you’re not a rebound most likely) so she might be making comparisons in her head and will need time to sort it out herself.
– If you USE these 2 weeks to improve yourself and get some confidence back in your self to provide happiness to yourself without being dependent on anyone else then it’ll help you also to have an equal say at the table of discussion after two weeks. She’ll notice the changed you and this might change her opinion to something positive.I believe you have posted this same issue on another thread too.
Please stop wondering what decision she is going to take. If you trust yourself to improve then be rest assured everything else will fall in place. If you say her actions were different from her words then am not understanding how do you plan to make her realize this? Fights and arguments didnt work clearly. Pleading didnt work. So whats more that you got? People realize either from their own mistakes or from someone else’s. You cannot convince them when to realize it.Use these two weeks to calm your nerves, improve your emotional stability, get back on the social scene with friends and family, enjoy the holidays.
I think I can understand what you’re trying to convey. You’ve got to realize in all of this that your BF (currently ex) will have a problem with this even in the future if you guys dont come up with a solution how to deal with this. He is probably feeling insecure and it will only keep growing if not handled asap.
Am not sure what would be a good solution considering you’re 21 and will definitely meet a lot of people, both sexes, and might connect with them on different topics too. Him, may be he is settled in a job or will soon get settled in one and life becomes more or less a routine for him. I can suggest make him feel secure by having a good communication channel. Let him know about people (guys in particular here it seems) whom you talk to or meet. This not only gives him a reason to feel secure but also help you cos it will show if he really had this one insecurity or he is someone who will never trust you no matter how hard you try.
This depends on how much you really want this to work cos trust me insecurities take up a LOT of time and effort to deal with. Right now it is very easy to handle this right at the onset but if you guys end up getting back without resolving this then its a big risk you’re taking.
That being said, your situation can do more good with one open and honest discussion about his insecurity and thereafter you can decide if NC will help if he still doesnt open up to his insecurities and talks openly.
Good luck!
There will be days when you cant help but keep remembering her and its totally okay. It was for a reason that you loved her and why you still think about her. On those days it is okay to may be let your emotions take over for a while, sulk for a while but more importantly again collect yourself and motivate yourself to show true respect to your emotions!
You’re right though that right now she might be enjoying her freedom. For some time she will and it is good. Let her get some fresh air. Let her breathe and am sure she might be checking your social presence online so you keep focusing on improving yourself. If she is not someone to go into another relation right away then its a better scenario for you. She’ll like to see a new, confident, evolved you! NOT NEEDY.
In my case, she did call up the other night to just say a sweet good night and then again the next morning to just say hi but again ended up crying and I asked her to disconnect the call as I dont want to be the reason for her crying anymore. I ended up sulking myself thereafter. I know the kind of sacrifice she’ll end up making but its no more in my hands. Her happiness means the world to me and I know she would also forget her miseries if she sees me happy 🙂
Am very fortunate to have had a partner like her!!! Truly a gift to me she is!! It doesnt mean I own her or I have to force her in a way others are forcing her to take a decision. All I can do is be there for her anytime in the future (could be days, months, years, decades) in case things change. I have had my fair share of dating in my younger days and I have come to realize she is it!! This gives me peace in knowing that I found the one person whom I can love infinite and then a little more 🙂 There are many people out there who dont even get to find someone like that. Am glad to know I could love someone and be loved by someone so deeply. Heart is meant to be filled with love & she filled mine with it! Am content!! Now it is my duty to make sure she faces least possible issues due to me (whether with me or not). Am not trying to define love over here. For me love is her and I know she feels the same way!
That being said, I start my NC again cos after the day I met her I also had a serious meltdown and I dont want that meltdown to confuse her further and make her miserable. Somewhere deep down I believe we’ll be together but I dont know when. As of now I cannot see anymore tears in her eyes. It tears me apart.
The trust issue is coming from his end @Anon1236 and there is very little you can do about it. Does he think that you didnt stop your colleague at work (assuming he was flirting on a day to day basis) and/or encouraged his flirting too and that is why the colleague tried to kiss you?
In this case even you need evaluate whether did you encourage your colleague’s behavior or were you totally unaware about his intentions. You dont need to reply over here to this question but think about it yourself. If you did not see it coming and did not encourage it knowingly then you’re doing the right thing by giving your ex his space to clear his head. But if you believe you MIGHT have led the colleague to believe that his flirting is okay then there are bigger problems to solve.
If you are someone who doesnt mind light flirting I can understand and I dont judge you for it. That being said, you’ve to know where to draw the line if this guy is important to you. May be let people like your colleague know that you’re in a serious relation so they also are aware where to draw a line (for future reference that is), introducing your guy if possible, keeping him in the loop as to what happens so he doesnt feel disconnected, etc
He somewhere feels that you must have encouraged the colleagues behavior and thats why he is hurt and keeping distance. If that is not the case then please clarify so may be I can better understand and suggest something. If that is indeed the case then more than NC you might have to sit with him, talk it out, figure a solution to this and then see whether NC is worth going for after you’ve laid down all your points in front of him.
This is a case of miscommunication which has led to mistrust. These are early stages and it can be fixed soon. Key word is “fixed” and not bypassed. Even if you guys do manage to get back together without addressing this issue trust me there is a very high chance it will come back again and blow up in a bigger way. Am not saying dont get back.
Please clarify if you dont mind as to why exactly isnt he trusting you.
Good luck!
