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Posts
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Mordecai/Dara/A.z/All,
To start…. I failed… Not at NC.. But at not going to her house… In fact, not only did I drive be her house on Saturday. But I stayed there all day and all night. She didn’t come home. Not until Sunday afternoon (she still wasn’t there) did I finally give up and leave. I’ve had a million thoughts go thru my head.. guessing where she was or what she was doing… I still have those thoughts.
The only good thing is what you said Mordecai, Technically as far as she knows, I still haven’t broken NC. That’s the only positive thing I can say. Not sure if Im gaining any power.
I went out with friends, I’ve been doing it a lot lately…. DOESN’T HELP!!!
I’ve been talking to and get a bunch of numbers from new women… DOESN’T HELP!!
I think I’m going to look into a therapist.
I can’t shake it.. I don’t think she will ever contact me again.. I want to hate her but I Don’t…. I love her so so much.
Unlike Mike I wasn’t the best when I with her…. NOT SAYING IT WAS ALL MY FAULT.. But I’d overreact to her attitude/pride/put downs/bad mouthing/disrespect in the wrong way…. I’d lose it…
I know you read that last part and wonder why I still want that relationship.. Its because all that started when I became the doormat. before that, there really wasn’t much disrespect.
I don’t know what else to say other than I think I need professional help. I’m not productive at all at work. I sit and cyber stalk trying to find her.. (instagram/ FB)
Joe,
Your situation and your personality is somewhat like mine! I took her for granted in the beginning! When she broke up, I was deep in love but always wanted to convince myself that I deserved it because I was not the best in the beginning! When I realized that she is drifting it was already too late!
I also had this habit of staying by her doorsteps till she got back. I did it a number of times when my relationship got bad. Fortunately, I did it only once after the breakup. You know what, it only pissed me off seeing that she’s not there. Don’t do it! Every time she realized that I was there by her apartment, there was another drift.
Joe, these stalking and staying by her house is nice when you see them in movies! In real life, it sucks and will work against you any sense. Just imagine if someone called police on you for being a strange suspect. It would have been the biggest mess!
If your job permit or lifestyle permits, why don’t you go to some other town for a while at least in weekends?
It’s only you who can help you improve your situation!
I know what you mean.
Look at my situation.
Broke up last year in September.
She initiated contact twice. 2months after our break up in November. She changed her number afterwards. (Deaths door)
Then about 7 months later in May with her new number.
It reopened the wound with her acting Hot and cold. Wanting to meet up then start shit testing me being stubborn and negative.
First phone conversation in May after being broken up for months she said:
Her: “I miss you so much I tried so hard to get over you these months.”
Me: “Me too”
Her: “no you don’t! OK then tell me about all of the women you slept with all these months”
Anyway, basically I messed up backed then by saying right away “me too” because it set me up to get picked apart and her being in control. That’s how messed up this sh!t is and how much of a brain fvck it could be.
Joe,
Reading your post made me remind my own relationship!
You even make me think about going to her house now to say goodbye! Damn it! You have influence on me! Just kidding!
Thats crazy Dara!!!! Don’t Do it!! Thats so weird that you said that… I also had the same exact thought. Go to her place after work and just say I’m sorry.. should I?
ha ha ha… Of course not! I would not do it! I did not have any updates from her lately and I don’t know even she’s gone from this town. It was Friday that I met a mutual friend. She wanted to talk about my ex and I changed the topic but this idea that what did she want to say itched me. I haven’t talked to any mutual friend about her and that’s great! Whenever they did, I changed the topic but still this idea still itches me.
Today I wrote on Mike’s thread that I don’t care about her anymore. When I posted it, the thought that, “what she is doing popped into my mind”.
Yeah, saying sorry doesn’t really help. I’ve done it a lot lately, I mean before the breakup and it simply made her think that she is on the right side.
But frankly, you remind me of myself, except that I did it only once after the breakup and I truly understand this urge!
Mordecai,
I wish to know what you feel now about her? What kind of feeling you have for her after almost 11 months. By the way, I have no idea how old are you. I am 31.
You know something. In the beginning of my relationship I had told her that I move on really fast. Just a trick… but a nice one!
When she drifted once I played this song for her: “I need to know now, know now, will you love me again”. Do you know what she said?–“so you date someone else soon?” b
But by being clingy I proved her that there is no someone else any soon!
Don’t do it Joe. It’s early. To even contact much less “show up”
I saw my ex at a bar a month and half later after our break up. We didn’t approach each other. But I found out she was pissed.
I was out with the new girl I was seeing and my friend. 3 of us.
I told The new girl my ex was there. She said “I had a feeling it was her” I asked how. She said she saw her giving her the “cold death stare” and looking her up and down sizing her up.
2 weeks later my ex calls from private. 2 times saying nothing and hanging up. 3rd time she talked. But never mentioned anything about seeing a girl with me. I don’t know why but I think she was defending her pride and acted stupid that she didn’t notice the new girl.
But she did attack and accuse me that I probably slept with 7 women already in that 2 month time frame. Which I denied. And she’s wrong to even press that. Because what did she want to do, just argue?
Even now she’s stubborn.
I’m turning 31 in a couple weeks in September. And to note she broke up with me a week before my birthday.
Everyone in my family saw that as a b!tch move by her but I was trying to reason it in my head hoping she was going to call or surprise me and come for my birthday. When she didn’t I let go.
I met this girl on my birthday night and dated her for 2 months. She wanted to get in a relationship with me fast and I wasn’t ready. We still keep in contact with each other. She’s cool.
Anyway how do I feel about my ex after 11 months… the same.
Because she initiated contact with me twice since our break up. 2 months after we broke up. Then 7 months later in May.
So naturally it reopened the wound with her being hot and cold. Everytime I start feeling better, especially months after December, she contacts me out of no where. It’s like she telepathically connected some how and knows when I’m moving on and then injects.
Now we’ve been in contact on and off since May. But I put my foot down and started NC 2-3weeks ago.
Mordecai & Joe,
We three are almost of same age and apparently our breakups have similar trend. Isn’t is something worth pondering?
My ex broke up with me just 10 days before my exams. I did not tell this to any friend but her best friend wished me best of luck. They would hate her. My closest friend here, says that she was not a good girl and I agree but I still have feelings for her.
Her best friend and I met about a week ago. I did not recognize her first but she was into me. I apologized to her for not saying hi though Facebook chat and she replied that she’s happy that I’m doing well.
Totally agree Dara. I was in the exact situation.
The first 2 months are brutal. Especially the first.
I kinda had doubt’s she was going to ever contact me. Especially after she changed her number after her first contact.
After awhile I gave up thinking and analyzing. Not completely because things crossed my mind of course, but you just get into that stage where you accept she probably banged a few guys by now.
Knowing she’s thinking the same about you dating women.
And then when one of the rebounds fail, the reach out comes out of nowhere one lonely depressed drunken night from them. Calling private, then text barraging etc.
Also to note: both intital contacts from her, she wanted me to come over saying she would want nothing more. Second time she got really dirty and said she wanted me to you know **** the **** out of her.
I couldn’t make it those nights. And set up for something the following days but she backed out.
Because I’m sure if we met up we would be back together. So she was just guarding herself being afraid too we’d argue and fall apart again.
Dara & Mordecai,
We are definitely all the same age (me: 29) and I can’t believe at almost the age of 30, I’m having so much trouble over a woman.
As Mordecai mentioned, I too lose hope everyday that she will ever contact me again. The note about wondering how many guys they’ve banged… Tore me up. I hate to think of her doing that.. But I’m sure she def will sooner or later.
A part of me wants to never contact her again until she contacts me. I guess, I just wanna know that she also wants me. With her stubbornness and pride, I highly doubt she ever will….
Should I plan now for the possible phone call/text/email? Like what I would say to her… I know Kevin’s plan included some direction on how to respond to her contacts.. I think I should reread that part … But then I wonder if Im only giving myself false hope..
Joe
Joe, write a draft. Your in the extra emotional early state still. When you come back to review your rough draft you might not like it and redo the who whole thing.
In regards to the random thoughts that pop up in your head. I’m telling you, now I don’t really care who she banged or how many. What really got me more was originally the idea she gave in the next day of our break up and was banging some as*hole.
When she contacted me 2 months later she was drunk and ranting. She was saying I probably slept with at least 7 women by now. I don’t know why she said specifically 7…
Could it be she banged a guy or 2 and had sex 7 times within that timeframe? Who the hell knows. It’s most likely she just threw a random number.
She told me without asking her that she didn’t have sex with anyone yet. That she could of and she said she should of but she’s not a whore.
But I think it’s BS.
7 months later when she started contacting me again, she was trying to pull it out of me who I banged and how many. I ignored it and she said “what I dated a few guys at least I can admit it” and that she didn’t have sex in awhile. I still dodged it. But later on I slipped. However I still continued to try to squash that topic as she kept bringing it up. Because I wanted to get her back and avoid arguing about that topic.
Joe, since you are going to do a 90 days of NC, its too soon to think what you are going to say. It will only make you think more about the past. I suggest a similar letter to RR in part 2 for Death Door guys. I also suggest including sentences like, “I know that you hate me”.
Joe & Mordecai,
I think since we are about 30s and the fact that dating early 20s girls is now slightly weird, it has reduced our self-esteem. At least I can say that when I say my real age and a 20 year of girl get surprised, I feel slightly bad. Moreover, when I think about that she might be okay with it but her friends might mock her, it makes me feel bad. Maybe this is the reason I turned clingy over my last relationship. Do you guys have such slightest of such feelings?
Mordecai, I have been reading your posts. However, I didn’t post any comment over it just because I had nothing to ask or add.
Joe,
Sorry to interrupt here but I really want to know from a guy’s perspective since I started to think about my ex’s words again. Not making me sad or anything, just curious.
Would guys choose to break up even when they still have feelings? He said “I’ve become too weak because I care too much”, “I constantly am worrying and could barely sleep”, etc. I don’t know… Is it that he feels so responsible to make me happy and takes too much pressure from that?
And he mentioned “friend” in the email. Did it mean he doesn’t have feelings anymore?
Also…Is it really easy for guy to pretend that they love someone? Because I feel like if someone loves me, I can feel it, the real feeling, not the fake ones. I still felt that from my ex literally three days before the break up. How could things change so rapidly?
I still couldn’t believe it since he’s never the one to choose breakup (he told me that) and he said so many times that he never had feelings like those for me. He told his family, friends, and me that if there’s a program to design every aspect of his dream girl, it would end up being me..
I really do not understand guys sometimes. He’s a really, really nice guy. Very responsible, calm, diligent, considerate, etc. Just I couldn’t understand this right now.
Thanks in advance. 🙂
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