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Hi
Here’s my last update on how things are if anybody’s interested.I didn’t succeed in reconciliation. She didn’t find any time to meet up with me or she just told me that so that I wouldn’t build up hope in myself again.
So I was in a pretty bad spot for a couple of months – I couldn’t do anything, I couldn’t move forward in regards to our relationship. I kinda moved on, but I was still maintaining a friendly contact with her and still had the idea of reconciliation in the back of my head – I just took a stance “let’s see what will happen”.
Few days ago she began to send me some mixed signals/messages that made me confused, but kinda happy. I was thinking that maybe she was flirting with me, but it turned out not to be true.
Our friend, that I mentioned several times in my previous posts, told me recently that she had fell in love with her roommate. He has feelings for her too, so I guess it is now a matter of time.
So I guess it is time to move on. I am not going to fool you – I am sad and I wished it would work out, but it won’t happen. I hope she will find happiness.
Thanks to everyone that supported me and gave me advice. I really appreciate that. This site and forum taught me many important things and I hope I’ll be alright.
Take care
Well, in my opinion, you are in a pretty good situation right now – you’ve started NC, you attend regular counselling, it seems you didn’t even act needy or desperate and her “I love you” seems promising.
If she wants you to update her regularly on your progress with counselling, that could also mean something.
It’s way too early though to propose any meetings. You still need to go through NC.
Letter and wine for her parents as an apology is a very nice idea, but I suggest sending those on your last days of NC.You are on the right track – keep working, regenerate, don’t obsess over her, keep doing NC and after some time you will feel much better and your chances on reconciliation will be much higher.
I don’t understand – you say you’ve been doing NC for 25 already and you also say this:
“My birthday was in July she didn’t do anything even though we were technically together. She just gave an obligatory happy birthday message and a short phone call at the end of the night!”
And this:
“She was not there but later she messaged me saying she didn’t know my family and I went to the hospital and why didn’t I tell her. I replied back saying I just wanted to see him. She texted back saying as usual I do not tell her anything.”
This is clearly breaking NC.
I know you are panicking and you cannot comprehend what is happening right now, but you must understand that NC should be primarily for you. For your mental health and well-being.
NC is for you to grieve, heal and learn how to be single again – how not to be emotionally dependant on other person.I’m sorry, it may sound a little bit harsh, I understand you originate from such culture that family values are especially important and of course it’s terrible that such thing happened to her father, but in my opinion it is not a good idea to maintain any sort of contact with your ex’s family, at least for now.
She broke up with you – it is difficult for me to tell you precisely why breakup happened and what caused it, but it happened and was initiated by her. There may still be feelings between both of you, she may still love you, but the breakup happened and you need to heal and you won’t heal unless you distance yourself from her and her family, at least for a while, because the key to regeneration after the breakup is to stop thinking so obsessively about your ex and focus on other parts of your life.
I also think you should be honest and open with your family and tell them about the breakup. The earlier you tell them, the better for you.
Did you tell her that you need some time alone to think things through and regenerate after the breakup?
Did you ask her why she broke up with you?You should do NC for 60 days in my opinion. And if you feel alright, you can wish her happy birthday and even begin communicating with her, given that she’ll be open for communicating with you again.
Update:
We’ve both ended working and now she’s on vacation. Our first meeting is going to be on the 28th of September – we are going to eat some food and have a walk. What made me happy is that she invited me by herself, I was surprised when she did that to be honest. What made me sad is that she told our mutual friend that she regreted inviting me because she felt that I still want something from her. I don’t really know what to think about this.
Some time later I suggested going together to a concert in other town that is kinda far from us. She agreed and she even asked if we are going to book a room in a hotel for night. Today, we had been planning our trip and I asked what about spending night in a hotel (not in a needy or flirty way, I just told her that I didn’t care much about how we are going to come back home and I am just curious what’s her opinion on that) and she said that she wants to come back right after the concert, but she didn’t say that in a mean or negative way.
When we text, she sometimes behaves like she wants affection from me and sometimes she is cold. I’d like to flirt with her, but I don’t know if she’s okay with that. She sends me photos of herself, she’s never done that before, but probably that’s because she is on a vacation.
We are starting studies in few weeks so I really hope we will both find time to meet regurarly.
Any thoughts, suggestions?
Seems like the connection between you two was really strong – I know that you are probably not in a good shape right now, but trust me, people don’t move on so quickly from a relationships like that. She still has feelings for you and probably still loves you. It will take her many months to move on and let those feelings go.
You know what is wrong and what needs to be fixed. That’s already a giant step forward. I suggest counseling with a therapist in regards to your anxiety issues. If you want to reconciliate in the future, you will have to show her that things can be different and your mental problems can be fixed. I also suggest you doing some research on proper communication in a relationship – that always helps.
However, you need to acknowledge that it is over. You can create a new, beautiful relationship with her, but the old one is dead. You need to learn how to fuction as a single person now. You need to acknowledge that it may not work out and you may never be together anymore. There’s even a chance that you will lose her and never again have a chance to even talk to her. Hopefully, it won’t happen, but you need to acknowledge and accept that fact.
Try doing NC for 1 or 1,5 month for now. Tell her that you need to spend some time alone and regenerate after the breakup before starting NC. Grieve, heal, spend time with your friends and/or your family and occupy your mind. And when you are about to finish NC, ask yourself a question – do you really want to reconciliate? Is it really a good idea? Just remember that you have to answer in a completely rational and objective way.
Good luck
That is not a sign of weakness of any kind. You’re just sensitive and you still have feelings for him and that’s completely normal. If you have trouble with forcing yourself to, for example, throw away stuff related to him or to remove him from your friends list, ask your closest friend for help in that matter, it’ll be a lot easier.
You cannot obsess over his every movement – liking your picture on Insta may mean nothing and he may have just done that involuntarily or by a mistake, we’ll never know. But the thing is you cannot obsess over it because it will drive you mad. That’s why cutting all contact is so important, especially in your case.
It may also mean that he wants to provoke a reaction from you by ignoring you and then giving you those tiny signs of his existence. And in my opinion, that’s another reason why you’d better be separate in every way – those kinds of emotional games are childish and only show his level of immaturity.
Cut all contact permanently. And I mean all contact. Like erasing him from your life.
Remove him from your friends on Facebook, remove all photos with him, etc.
Throw away things that belonged to him, like clothes for example.
Tell your friends that you want to spend time with them, but you don’t want to see your ex and hear about him while you hang out. If they are your true friends, they’ll understand.Give yourself more time and heal. Don’t let anyone criticize you for still being hurt. In the meantime, try to concentrate on other aspects of your life.
If you are absolutely sure you want to move on and not try to reconciliate in the future, then cutting all contact permanently is fundamental.
“If you think so, what’s the reason behind doing that?”
To keep you as a safety net.
“Should I just keep it minimal and brief, or should I do complete NC for however long I decide to do it?”
“I am desperate for him to come back around, but I’m glad I’m doing this so I can learn how to be independent and maybe realize it’s not what I want after all.”
Complete NC for at least one month should be better for you than maintaining minimal contact with him. Just be sure to inform him first that you want to take a break and regenerate after the breakup for some time.
“I just don’t want to play games with him and he’ll think I’m really not interested and move on.”
Love, connection and memories don’t fade away so quickly and easily. It can take a lot of time to stop loving somebody. If you were together for significant amount of time then you can be sure that even after NC he can still have feelings for you.
“For some background, I broke up with him over a month ago, then regretted it and it was already too late.”
“I’ve made significant changes since we broke up and I am much happier with myself and he’s proud of me too.”Why did you break up? What was the issue? How long were you together? What did you do in order to fix the issue?
Also, could you tell us a little bit more about the breakup? What could be the reason of her breaking up with you?
I agree with Patricia.
I would also get tired if I’d have to fight for something that clearly shows me it is a lost cause, but something isn’t exactly right here.You said her mental health was suffering during your relationship, but it got better when you both went NC. I mean, that’s what NC is for, right? So that you can show her that everything is okay after you changed things about your life and show her that you can date together like you used to, like any other man she can meet now.
I think she’s just scared that things will quickly become painful for her again so I guess the right approach would be to suggest her something like “let’s just try and see how things will go”, but I am not sure.
It’s your call my dude. I hope everything will work out for you anyways. Go to your therapy. It’s going to be alright. I think we’d all appreciate if you’d write an update post in the future on how things are going in your life or if anything significant happened with your relationship with your ex.
Take care, hope you stay on forum as well.
Okay, so things worked out themselves, I was lucky because the timing was right and she had a good day.
So I took the middle-ground and jokefully initiated conversation. It worked out very well and we are again on the speaking terms.
I’m going to avoid such situations in the future and keep establishing connection and trust.
I can see she still has feelings for me.What’s not making me happy are our jobs – our days are consumed by work and sleep and we are simply not able to text so often anymore. I hope it won’t affect our relations in any negative way.
So the last three weeks were amazing – I’ve slowly increased frequency of texting and we got to the point where we would be texting just like we used to. Our convos were fun and interesting, I made her laugh many times and I didn’t let them get boring. I tried to flirt with her a little. The thing is I’m in a pickle right now, here’s the situation.
One of her close ones passed away recently. I showed her some support, but I also suggested leaving her alone because I thought she might have not felt like texting right now and wanted to be alone. She didn’t answer me and that didn’t matter anyway because I had to leave for work so I left her anyway (after work I immediately went to sleep so I wasn’t available for 16-17 hours).
The next day I texted her and asked how was she feeling. She basically texted very angrily to leave her alone and that I should have thought about showing her support earlier. I just said “sorry”. Then I gave her a one day break.
Then I initiated a conversation about the issue. I was very calm, rational, descriptive, honest and cautious. She didn’t tell me much, almost nothing. At the end of the conversation I apologized and informed her that if she wants to talk about the issue I am available. She also said that not showing her support that time is not the only reason she is angry with me – I don’t know what is that another reason.
Since 9.07 we’ve had no contact. I was thinking about initiating a normal conversation today and making a joke about this issue so it will calm things down but I thought to myself it would be better to ask you guys
what do you think before doing anything.I am sorry, but in my opinion you should just tell her more firmly that you need some time and space for yourself, that the breakup gave you pain and you need to regain composure. If she won’t listen, then you will have to ignore her.
It looks like she is really attached to your presence and closure – it doesn’t matter now though, because it was her who initiated breakup, so she must now face consequences. Blaming you for anything is immature in my opinion. She should understand your decision of NC.
Good luck and do not text her!
She will insist on the breakup. She is probably worried and confused you haven’t changed, she is afraid that if she will let herself flirt with you, she will lead you on, build up hope in you and hurt you after that. The solution to that is subtly show her that you are a new person. Show her that you are no longer needy, that you are open to whatever the future will bring to you and whatever happens you’ll be happy. Show her that you are a cool and confident guy. Help her move on from the post-breakup pain. Be honest about your feelings towards her, but don’t come off as needy or desperate. This will clear her confusion, but it will take time.
Yes, it’s been two months since the breakup, but why does exactly that matter? From dates of your posts I assume you’ve been communicating for only two weeks since the end of NC. That’s way too early to talk about anything regarding to reconciling.
And that’s what NC is for. You give yourself time to learn how to be happy again by YOURSELF so that you won’t spend next months on thinking on how to please her, make her happy or flirt with her. Of course you need to watch out for some negative and positive signs while you talk with her, but the core of communication after the breakup is just to let it flow naturally and just be ready for whatever future may bring you.
If you spend your next months just obsessing over her, you will be slowly dying on the inside.
