Vladimir4

She received the letter today and well, things are not good, I think.

I don’t know if I should try anymore. We’ve just had a conversation and I don’t know how to interpret it.

She blames me for every single negative emotion she experienced during No Contact. I did terrible mistake and didn’t tell her that I am doing No Contact earlier. She didn’t believe those rumors about me having a girlfriend or she didn’t want to, but nevertheless they made her feel more distrust and distaste towards me.

She told me that she had wanted to keep contact with me, but now she didn’t know because she cannot trust me anymore. I told her many times that I understood what she feels and that I will respect her decision.

I presented her my true attitude towards her and my interests, friends and other things. She just listened.

She told me that the letter had made her angry and sad.

She told me that she had been in a hospital the day before.

Then I told her this:
“If you don’t want to contact me anymore or need more time, I will disappear. But if you want to, you will meet new me. I will respect your decision though. I want to create a new chapter. No hurry. We’ll see how things will be and then we’ll make a decision.”

She says that she cannot forgive and accept some things. She says that we can try and have a contact and maybe be friends, but nothing more.

My reaction:
“I don’t want this to soud like I’m building hope in myself because I am not, but we shouldn’t completely close the concept of getting back together in the future. I think that we should have <<we will see what’s gonna happen>> attitude, if you can of course.”

“I won’t trust you enough for this. I don’t know what’s gonna happen in the future”

I also told her that I don’t want to talk about our personal romantic issues for now at least. She backed off and suddenly changed her mind, she said that maybe she was not ready yet to initiate contact. I told her “that’s why we need to take things slow and see where this is going”. It convinced her and she said that we must keep distance if it’s going to work out.

The worst thing is that I still have feelings for her. I don’t know what to do. I feel completely confused and scared.

Small update.

The day after tomorrow is the last day of No Contact.
Things are going quite well, I still have feelings for her and I would like to work on creating a new relationship with her.
I’ve written my Elephant in the Room letter, you can read it, it’s my other topic. She is probably going to receive it on Thursday.
What made the last week interesting is that there are rumors that I already am in new relationship with other girl which are simply not true. My ex fortunately doesn’t believe them.

I knew that I would soon regain confidence, but I didn’t expect that I would become some kind of seducer lol

Here’s the last part.

“During the month after our breakup I wasn’t myself and I was behaving horribly. I built hope in myself, I became really desperate and I wasn’t aware of seriousness of the situation between us. It was an unacceptable behaviour and complete lack of respect for you and me and I want to apologize for it.

I am aware that this is another message from me that takes back your thoughts to those unpleasant events. I am aware that you probably won’t feel the need to believe in anything that I’ve written here because you have no more energy to do so and what I am telling you here probably has no meaning for you anymore. I am aware that this letter may change nothing. I thought to myself though that you deserve honest explanation and apologies coming out from mouth of person in whom you put so much hope and affection and then made you hurt so badly. Your anger, disappointment, distrust and resignation is completely justified. I am aware of my mistakes and what I committed. I’ve been working on myself. I truly regret my doings and it will be a lesson for me that I will never forget.

I want to thank you for reading my letter. I tried to tell you as much important things as I could while also trying not to turn this letter into a huge essay. If you feel the need of discussing further any topic that I have mentioned earlier, I am open to a conversation. Like I mentioned earlier – if you can, contact me when you make up your mind. Just know that whatever option you will choose you will always have a special place in my heart and I will pleasantly look back at our relationship and all those happy moments spent together while committed mistakes will be a lesson that I will never forget.

Due to you mentioning multiple times after our breakup that you want to have friendly relations with me, I assume that there is possibilty that shortly after you have read the letter resuming contact will not be a problem for you – in such case I’ll just mention that some interesting things happened in my life that I am eager to tell you about.”

Thank you for your replies, guys.
I just want to apologize to her right now – nothing more. I have taken the approach that if she wishes to continue contact then I’ll work on restoring connection and trust, but I am aware she might not want to and I am prepared for that.
I’ve made the changes you suggested. Here is second part. Next part is me further explaining things.

“I was behaving horribly – I was immature, selfish, provocative, irresponsible, unmanly, submissive, I wasn’t controlling my emotions and my temperament, I was saying things so recklessly and I couldn’t communicate with you. I became sad, embittered and unattractive. What’s worse is that I used to lie insolently and recklessly make promises I wouldn’t fulfill later. Because of me many stupid arguments that emerged from even the most trivial communicational barriers would turn into huge conflicts that would hurt us and our connection. When some differences in our views suddenly did turn up, I would forcefully make you have the same opinion as mine without taking a note of your feelings, I would hurt them and let the anger take a hold of me instead of me being calm, rational, trying to acknowledge your opinion and arguments and getting to know ourselves more.

I have been thinking for a long time what contributed to emergence of this behaviour of mine that now leave me in shock and embarrasment. I finally understood that what was responsible for it was my lack of maturity, lack of experience in human relations, unwillingness to change and other attitudes mentioned earlier, but what also contributed largely was entering a certain state. I have never told anybody about it because I was scared. I was afraid of reaching out for help because I knew it would bring attention of all of those who care about me, it would make them treat me like I am sick person – during approximately our second year I started to be depressed and this state was continually growing.

I was gradually losing any interest in doing anything, I distanced myself from many people with some of whom I spent years together, I used to have many, depressing thoughts that I don’t even want to talk about, you know what thoughts I have on mind, I wouldn’t have any dreams (and when I had them, they were almost always nightmares), I used to be constantly sore, tired, upset, sleepy, petulant, emotional, without motivation to do anything, I had issues with concentrating on things, I almost never felt like talking with someone and most of my energy was spent on hiding this state from others. I didn’t want to exist anymore, I was just “skipping” days to the moments when something would break this stagnation.

I used to constantly search for some kind of alternative that would keep relieving the pain to the moment when I would be able to reach out for professional help without bringing unwanted attention. This state probably emerged from me being completely absorbed by monotony, boredom and routine. Almost every day of mine would consist of waking up with difficulties, surviving school, coming back home, napping for few hours, doing some braindead things on a computer, doing some schoolwork and going back to bed and not falling asleep, that was so painfully hard because in the night I would have the biggest accumulation of those thoughts. I used to lack any creative activities that would give me pleasure, make me relaxed and give a possibility to develop
myself. A true relief were moments when we would spend time together or when anything else would break this monotony.

Moreover, I was very concerned that at the same time I couldn’t help you. I was so upset that so many terrible things happened to you in such short period of time. I also begun to suspect at some point that you have the imposter syndrome – you were doing so great in school and yet you were still giving me signals of you having low self-esteem, not appreciating your achievements and seeing only unimportant tiny flaws or mistakes. Initially I hadn’t cared about it that much, I knew you had been saying some things jokingly, but time went by and this topic would turn up more and more often which got me really anxious about you. I couldn’t look at how you are slowly losing the energy to live. From my perspective you became apathetic and unhappy with your life. At one point my concerns and anxiety turned into fear – I simply became scared that I would lose you, that those feelings between us would go away, that this state would completely consume you”

Sorry for any mistakes, it’s 3 AM right now in my place.