My letter

Thank you for your replies, guys.
I just want to apologize to her right now – nothing more. I have taken the approach that if she wishes to continue contact then I’ll work on restoring connection and trust, but I am aware she might not want to and I am prepared for that.
I’ve made the changes you suggested. Here is second part. Next part is me further explaining things.

“I was behaving horribly – I was immature, selfish, provocative, irresponsible, unmanly, submissive, I wasn’t controlling my emotions and my temperament, I was saying things so recklessly and I couldn’t communicate with you. I became sad, embittered and unattractive. What’s worse is that I used to lie insolently and recklessly make promises I wouldn’t fulfill later. Because of me many stupid arguments that emerged from even the most trivial communicational barriers would turn into huge conflicts that would hurt us and our connection. When some differences in our views suddenly did turn up, I would forcefully make you have the same opinion as mine without taking a note of your feelings, I would hurt them and let the anger take a hold of me instead of me being calm, rational, trying to acknowledge your opinion and arguments and getting to know ourselves more.

I have been thinking for a long time what contributed to emergence of this behaviour of mine that now leave me in shock and embarrasment. I finally understood that what was responsible for it was my lack of maturity, lack of experience in human relations, unwillingness to change and other attitudes mentioned earlier, but what also contributed largely was entering a certain state. I have never told anybody about it because I was scared. I was afraid of reaching out for help because I knew it would bring attention of all of those who care about me, it would make them treat me like I am sick person – during approximately our second year I started to be depressed and this state was continually growing.

I was gradually losing any interest in doing anything, I distanced myself from many people with some of whom I spent years together, I used to have many, depressing thoughts that I don’t even want to talk about, you know what thoughts I have on mind, I wouldn’t have any dreams (and when I had them, they were almost always nightmares), I used to be constantly sore, tired, upset, sleepy, petulant, emotional, without motivation to do anything, I had issues with concentrating on things, I almost never felt like talking with someone and most of my energy was spent on hiding this state from others. I didn’t want to exist anymore, I was just “skipping” days to the moments when something would break this stagnation.

I used to constantly search for some kind of alternative that would keep relieving the pain to the moment when I would be able to reach out for professional help without bringing unwanted attention. This state probably emerged from me being completely absorbed by monotony, boredom and routine. Almost every day of mine would consist of waking up with difficulties, surviving school, coming back home, napping for few hours, doing some braindead things on a computer, doing some schoolwork and going back to bed and not falling asleep, that was so painfully hard because in the night I would have the biggest accumulation of those thoughts. I used to lack any creative activities that would give me pleasure, make me relaxed and give a possibility to develop
myself. A true relief were moments when we would spend time together or when anything else would break this monotony.

Moreover, I was very concerned that at the same time I couldn’t help you. I was so upset that so many terrible things happened to you in such short period of time. I also begun to suspect at some point that you have the imposter syndrome – you were doing so great in school and yet you were still giving me signals of you having low self-esteem, not appreciating your achievements and seeing only unimportant tiny flaws or mistakes. Initially I hadn’t cared about it that much, I knew you had been saying some things jokingly, but time went by and this topic would turn up more and more often which got me really anxious about you. I couldn’t look at how you are slowly losing the energy to live. From my perspective you became apathetic and unhappy with your life. At one point my concerns and anxiety turned into fear – I simply became scared that I would lose you, that those feelings between us would go away, that this state would completely consume you”

Sorry for any mistakes, it’s 3 AM right now in my place.

Done. I’ve changed it to What also caught my attention was that you were doing so great in school and yet…

Here’s part 3. The last part is about apologizing for me being desperate jerk after the breakup, telling her that I have worked on my behaviour and some nice, ending words.

“I didn’t know how to behave in such situation, I started panicking, I was forcefully trying to make you happy and make you show some positive reactions which was an idiotic move. That’s why I have never tried to talk with you about my mental health – I thought to myself that that would be giving you more reasons to be sad about and I would contribute to making your state even worse. I’ve rarely supported you and I have been showering you with love too many times.

In my opinion, this, what I’ve just confessed to you, was among others the important reason of entering the cycle of arguments and fights and was also the important reason of me obtaining some of those mentioned earlier negative traits. Probably those special temperaments of ours also contributed to it. At one point I also started to see that the end is imminent, but because of fear I couldn’t even simply sit down with you, have a calm conversation about it and find a solution together.

I was constantly lying and giving you false promises because of that irrational hope that in the nearest future we will just leave those states behind us, as if nothing had happened.

What came out was my lack of experience in human relations, inability to deal with conflicts and issues in romantic relationship and emotional instability and immaturity. Instead of affection and understanding I allowed fear, sadness, anger, distrust and fatigue to dominate between us for too long.

I apologize for what I committed and that I allowed this situation to escalate.

I did many reprehensible things – I was constantly lying to you and making false promises, I didn’t reach out for help, I wasn’t supporting you enough and when I did I was doing it incorrectly. I let myself to be completely absorbed by panic, anger and other negative emotions when what was really needed was composure and rationality. I couldn’t notice what was actually happening with our relationship. I was saying and doing things that make me embarrassed to this day. I didn’t show any initiative to simply sit down and read how to communicate effectively with other partner in a relationship. I wasn’t talking with you about mine, yours and our problems enough and I was constantly convincing myself that it would be alright soon. I was constantly and thoughtlessly provoking arguments and was foolishly stretching them. They didn’t mean anything to me, I wasn’t even aware of how heavily they violate your trust.”

I’m going to update my other topic also in a moment.

Here’s the last part.

“During the month after our breakup I wasn’t myself and I was behaving horribly. I built hope in myself, I became really desperate and I wasn’t aware of seriousness of the situation between us. It was an unacceptable behaviour and complete lack of respect for you and me and I want to apologize for it.

I am aware that this is another message from me that takes back your thoughts to those unpleasant events. I am aware that you probably won’t feel the need to believe in anything that I’ve written here because you have no more energy to do so and what I am telling you here probably has no meaning for you anymore. I am aware that this letter may change nothing. I thought to myself though that you deserve honest explanation and apologies coming out from mouth of person in whom you put so much hope and affection and then made you hurt so badly. Your anger, disappointment, distrust and resignation is completely justified. I am aware of my mistakes and what I committed. I’ve been working on myself. I truly regret my doings and it will be a lesson for me that I will never forget.

I want to thank you for reading my letter. I tried to tell you as much important things as I could while also trying not to turn this letter into a huge essay. If you feel the need of discussing further any topic that I have mentioned earlier, I am open to a conversation. Like I mentioned earlier – if you can, contact me when you make up your mind. Just know that whatever option you will choose you will always have a special place in my heart and I will pleasantly look back at our relationship and all those happy moments spent together while committed mistakes will be a lesson that I will never forget.

Due to you mentioning multiple times after our breakup that you want to have friendly relations with me, I assume that there is possibilty that shortly after you have read the letter resuming contact will not be a problem for you – in such case I’ll just mention that some interesting things happened in my life that I am eager to tell you about.”