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I’m new to this website and me and my girlfriend just broke up 3 weeks ago and no contact just started. Needless to say she broke up with me. I’m pretty heart broken, we are both in university and we had a really really great relationship. We dated for more than a year. It was passionate, and we couldn’t be separated from each other without missing each other. We didn’t break up because of a loss of connection, or attraction but because I messed up and hurt her emotionally pretty bad. For some perspective, I’ve always been an insecure person. And at stages in our relationship I attacked her for how she was, as a way to cope. This happened three times, and on the last time I was blackout drunk and I lashed out, and she was so upset. I threw up on her floor and she is from the city we go to university so her parents got involved and we got into a heated argument as well. And her parents used to love me too. I don’t remember any of it. Basically we both cried our eyes out when she dropped my stuff I stored at her house the next day. And I told her I was going to work on myself and go to counselling. She said she was proud of me, and she still loved me. As time went on, we weren’t as affectionate over messages but she had told me to keep her updated on how my counselling was going. I did for the time being and I kept messaging her and she had asked to meet for coffee to talk about how it was all going. I asked her to do it yesterday on the weekend, and she agreed, but didn’t seem like she wanted to like she had the previous week when SHE had said about doing it. I realized it would be best to cancel. I told her how I needed my space to grow as person, and she said she understands and thinks it’s for the best to not talk for a while. And now here I am at the start of no contact. I need some advice on what to do? My counsellor told me to write a letter and get some wine for her parents via the mail as a thank you for all they did for me and to explain that the way I acted wasn’t me etc. But what do you guys think? Is it over over? She said love you to me yesterday when we texted? But I just don’t know. Obviously I’m working on my issues and improving myself in no contact but her ig has a bunch of new male followers. Thoughts? Sorry for the long messages but replies would really help a brother out right now.
Well, in my opinion, you are in a pretty good situation right now – you’ve started NC, you attend regular counselling, it seems you didn’t even act needy or desperate and her “I love you” seems promising.
If she wants you to update her regularly on your progress with counselling, that could also mean something.
It’s way too early though to propose any meetings. You still need to go through NC.
Letter and wine for her parents as an apology is a very nice idea, but I suggest sending those on your last days of NC.You are on the right track – keep working, regenerate, don’t obsess over her, keep doing NC and after some time you will feel much better and your chances on reconciliation will be much higher.
Well the things if I’m being honest a week after we broke up I acted desperate, and she had gone out with her friends and I had said that I missed her over text. And she said she missed be too but was confused and needed her space and time to understand herself. And that she felt that she was worried there was something in our relationship that I had on three occasions attacker her for that we couldn’t move past. and I messaged her once more after we had the talk about my counselling and stuff, and it was to ask a question about something. Anyway, I’m more just worried that the “I love you” she said was more just to make me feel better or to let me know she still cares.
You’ve mistreated her several times. If they were when you were drunk, maybe you need to consider attending Alcoholics Anonymous. She might miss you and still love or care about you, but she got fed up with the way you treated her and wants it to stop! Right now she doesn’t trust that you can change for the better. She wants her space and you need to respect that request. Continue counseling and don’t contact her for at least a month.
Good luck.
I’m no expert but I feel you’re giving up within yourself too quickly. The pain of what has happened is something she is having to deal with. It’s true, we need to give the ex space but more importantly we need to work on ourselves, we need to focus on our needs and our fixes. I know you love her and regret your mistakes so it’s time to prove it, keep going to therapy. Continue NC unless she reaches out but don’t respond by seeming needy (I miss you, I want us back…etc), respond by demonstrating growth. I would definitely not send the parents a wine bottle or email…This is the time for you, for you to learn and grow. I truly believe you have a great chance to get back, but that depends on your growth. As within So without…I’ve been repeating these words daily to myself. If I want my ex to see a change then I must fix within so she can see. It’s not enough just to say it…but its a slow and focused process. Your relationship didn’t get here overnight nor will it be repaired with wine bottles, emails and won’t happen suddenly. But it will with time, effort and a commitment to YOURSELF. At the end…you may lose her and then again mostly likely you won’t but what’s more important is that you gained YOURSELF. Prayers your way buddy.
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