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@HeatherJane82 You’re welcome. Something we have to bear in mind is that we may be tricking ourselves into thinking they appear happy. And let’s not forget they try to rush the new relationship in order to fill the void created from old one. In my particular case, this new relationship they have have rebounding on both sides… that just screams trouble in my eyes in the future. I know I thought that at first they seemed happy but it clicked that it’s all a ruse. I’ve known my ex for over 15 years: growing up together our paths would cross a lot, 2 years as best friends before dating and 5 years after that in an intimate relationship. I literally know her on every level, good and bad, even if she’d like to debate that. She is doing her best to give off the impression that she’s happy enough and to any person that doesn’t know her well she would truly appear that way (this includes her family as she’s more of a black sheep). But her facial expressions in pictures betray her, especially the eyes and fake smile, and her lack of personal involvement with the rebound say otherwise. She is an incredibly animated girl and it’s almost like it’s not there at all in this new relationship. Very, very mild and complacent almost… meanwhile this rebound girl is obsessing horribly. Very one sided.
To give a brief rundown of my story, I was working toward proposing to my ex this year. I feel she misinterpreted my intentions as she had no clue about the proposal and interpreted my actions as me being “too involved” and “too into” the relationship, as she put it. She gave me a plethora of excuses like she was grasping for straws with breaking up, despite telling me things were good about a month before the split. I have no doubt that she has a bad case of GIGs (grass is greener syndrome).
Essentially the dumper with GIGs think there might be better things out there, even if things were going well in the relationship before they ended it and want to see if there are greener pastures. It’s just something they have to get out of their system and either find out the grass is greener elsewhere or not (and more often it’s not at all). More often than not they come back in time realizing they’ve made a mistake, regret it, and miss what they had. But at that point the dumpee has most likely moved on.
Your ex sounds like mine in that regard: GIGs
Hope that helped some!
Good morning all! Definitely feel better today after getting some well needed rest. I hope everyone is doing well.
@Nell As they say, misery loves company. I’m sure they’d be perfect together. 😛 I hope you’re doing well and keeping your chin up today!
@Martin GIGs can be tough with exes. I was my ex’s first real love and the only one thus far that has stayed by her side and supported her over the years. She claims I am the first one she was truly intimate with so I can’t say that’s not true. You’re right, it’s inevitable… but they need this time to see what’s out there and come to their own conclusions and grow/mature. We just have to be patient and work on ourselves in the meantime.
@John1 New person = honeymoon phase. All too often exes rebound thinking what they had was “terrible” or stagnant in the previous relationship. They overlook flaws in the new person as they love the feeling of what is simply infatuation, but don’t realize that’s what it is. Once the honeymoon phase ends after a few months, that’s when the problems in paradise typically start. I believe this is why rebounds typically fail if strict NC is applied. The bad feelings from the past relationship will fade in time and the ex will start to remember the good. New things might be shiny and new, but with time they become dull just like everything else we think we desire. Stay strong!
@confusedbutok Give it time, man. We’ve talked about this almost every day haha. I know it’s tough since you threw a hail mary and she caught it, but that means she has the ball. You have to be patient and perhaps a bit distant to entice her curiosity. More importantly you need to reach a point where you’re okay talking with her without it bothering you so much. I know you can get to that point! 🙂@Martin You did well! Very proud of how you handled things. She clearly was trying to check in to see how you were.
My ex essentially attempted to do something similar, but when she didn’t get her way that was the end of contact with her. She wanted to get her things “out of my way,” but when I essentially told her hey, sorry, it’s not here anymore and I’m busy… that was it. I get the feeling she once again misinterpreted things, but I even went out of my way to clarify again the reason why I moved her things. -shrug-
@Nell Yup, sounds like our exes are very similar in terms of thinking patterns. She could easily get family to get her things, but she hasn’t. I know for a fact she is not as busy as she claims to be or likes others to think. I’m sure it did not sit well with her when I put in a forwarding address to her parents place, but that’s because she NEVER got her mail either and stuff from the IRS was piling up. I was not about to become a scapegoat for that mess. Ironically enough, I had her keep a mailbox key so she could get her mail when she was in town. She also has an apt key. I have not received either back, despite her seeming to have written me off completely. I think at this point she’s most likely beating herself up on some level, seeing how happy I am and hearing how well I’m doing. Yet again, though, failsafe plans in place.She told me many times before I deserved better. And she’s absolutely right. She has moved out/taken breaks about 6 or 7 times now with intention of not coming back. Each time she initiated it, each time I LET her come back. She would always chalk her leaving up to me being the problem, but let’s face facts… If I were the problem, why come back every time with regrets of having been the one messing up? I only “moved out” once, temporarily, and made sure she understood that. I knew we needed space so I went and stayed for a week with my parents. I let her know how long it’d be, where I’d be, and why. Ironically she visited me every single day, which defeated the purpose, because she couldn’t handle being apart.
Even when things were going well the past month or two before the breakup, she would chime in out of nowhere with, “Things have been going really well. Really, really well. But… I did think about moving out again and want you to know it. I’m not going to, but I thought about it” WTF? What a joke.
As I said before, she claimed I was too involved in the relationship and cared too much about it. Flipside, rebound girl is taking pictures constantly of ex and tagging her in EVERYTHING I hear, regardless of how insignificant it is. That seems very obsessive to me given they’ve only been dating officially for a week. I fail to see how that behavior is acceptable whereas me working toward proposing qualifies as being “too involved.” But I digress…
To take away from all of this rationally with my ex:
1) She is clearly confused on so many levels.
2) She has GIGs– no good reason for BU (grasping at straws), making “new friends” with people she would normally despise/not tolerate at all, had been hopeful for the future and still wanted to be friends with me (“I can’t live without you in my life, you’re still my best friend and I love you but I’m not IN love with you”), etc.
3) Ex is emotionally and mentally immature.
4) She’s incredibly irresponsible.
Examples:
-Friend had a great job opportunity for her. Ex said she was very interested and that she’d put in resume/application. Wasted friend’s time for about a month and friend looked foolish as a result with her boss/coworkers. Ex never put in application and fell through on her word many, many times.
-Ex helps to watch friend’s son. We’re supposed to help friend’s son with homework when we watch him. I do whenever I watch him and make sure it gets done (while working myself). Ex neglects to do it every time claiming the boy refuses to do it. This is BS as he is always eager to work on it.
-Ex is 24 and cannot be financially responsible on her own. Family pays for everything on a conditional basis. Ex likes to give off impression that she’s independent, but clearly is not. She cannot even be alone on her own, so independence in her mind is a fallacy.
5) She is very, VERY insecure. And this reflects by lowering her standards in another potential partner when one would typically upgrade. This could also be seen as self-sabotage as she feels doesn’t deserve someone like me who loves unconditionally.
6) Her mother will always know how to manipulate her and influence her life decisions/make them for her. While ex will claim to be independent and loathe her mother’s behavior, she gets suckered into it every time.
7) Ex is incredibly manipulative and she has made it clear many times before that she can “act innocent and cute” and get whatever she wants from people. This should have been a red flag for me as it’s disgusting behavior in my eyes. To gloat on it is even worse. I’m ashamed to say I let her take advantage of me with this.
8) Given past experience, she will most likely think I am a doormat should the grass not be greener and she wants to come back. Not gonna happen.There is more, but I’m exhausted and have to be up early. I think I just needed to vent. Tomorrow will be better and I’ll be better off when I’m less cranky, hah.
@Nell Nope, not yet. I’m thinking it’s one of her idiotic failsafes. She has to have a plan for everything because she has come to expect failure and disappointment at every turn. I’m guessing this is a way for her to avoid getting her stuff when she comes running back [again]. Sounds like my ex though too– everyone thinking they think they’re better off but will hit the ground face first. -rolls eyes-
Sounds like he’s got GIGs to me. I’m of a more rational mindset and work hard in life. I don’t see the point in running to supposed greener pastures when I have two good hands and a strong back to do the labor myself. But everyone is different I suppose and some want things in the here and now instead of doing the leg work. -shrug-
Honestly it sounds like the majority of us are better off, but that could be the booze talking.
Happy Valentine’s Day all! I hope everyone has done their best to keep their chin up.
For me, it’s been 65 days since the breakup and 22 days since last contact. The most sent would be a brief message about something like her getting her things, which she still has not done or gotten back to me about. Not my problem anymore and I will not be responding to her about it should she ask again.
Ex’s new relationship has lasted a week thus far to my knowledge, unhappy as it may look on my ex’s end. Ironic it started a week before Vday and the day after I made a post about visiting a friend (old long distance ex) this summer. I find it a little sad that my ex is now a rebound in a rebound relationship, but probably hasn’t rationally realized it yet. Both parties involved are rebounding hard honestly and it’s like watching two trains about to hit head on.
Despite all of this, I came across something interesting:
I’ve done a lot of reading up on GIGs (grass is greener syndrome) and my ex seems to fit it to a tee. It’s a comfort to know she truly is just confused and thinking there might be better out there (and boy, oh, boy did her naive little sister help to push her on that with reasoning that she might regret not seeing what else is out there; ironically, her sister neglected to mention that she might regret leaving as well). From what I’ve read, most dumpers with GIGs really start to realize the grass is not greener after a few months of strict NC. Reconciliation is possible, but more often than not when the GIGs dumper realizes how good they had it and want to come back the dumpee has moved on already. Dumpee has had time to heal and dumper never really did deal with the breakup, so it hits the dumper pretty hard.
I guess for me I miss my old ex, before she started to get squirrely, started lying shamelessly again, became insecure and confused about everything, compromised her standards soooo very much, and played the victim. The person I see she is now is just… very disappointing. I almost feel like she’s dead to me and our friends look at her mostly with disgust (her actions have not been tasteful). They say she’ll be back in time once she realizes what she had with me. I’m sure she will, but it will probably be too little too late.
@Nell They are still thinking of us, like others have said. I know my ex has at least one reminder daily. She took the coffee maker I gave her for our 4th anniversary together with her when she moved out. She’s a big coffee drinker and I’m sure it crosses her mind daily. We also did just about everything together. Ex is unable to take care of herself, so I’m sure she misses that as well and certainly will when she gets sick/run down– and she looks like she’s constantly run down these days from what I’ve heard. And let’s not forget the dog she adopted that I fought in her favor with the landlords about her getting, despite my better judgement. There’s also the matter of me giving her her first tattoo… good luck not seeing that everyday and thinking about it! Heh. I could go on, but it’d be impossible to just forget and move on so quick, especially after a long term relationship.No, I typically don’t have vivid dreams like that, let alone ones with her in it or ones that I actually remember when I wake up. But it could just be my subconscious brain working through things… but I don’t feel that was it necessarily.
That’s strange with your ex, but I’m glad that you were able to offer support in the suggestion with the meditation. It truly works wonders. Perhaps you should meditate too to clear up the tension? 😛 It really sounds like you’re doing well though, keep it up!
I’ve been doing some research in my off time. I’m the type of person that wants to know why things work a certain way. So with regard to my ex’s departure, it left me wondering… why, honestly? Through some searching, I found the term GIGs (Grass Is Greener Syndrome). She fits it to a T and the stereotypical excuses she gave for the breakup tie in as well. There was no concise explanation, just stuff pulled from the air with “I love you, but I’m not in love with you,” “I don’t want to be in a relationship right now,” “I still want to be friends,” “I still have hope for the future,” etc. All of which are classic with GIGs. That almost cold feet approach and uncertainty of “could this be it, or are there better things out there?”
The unfortunate thing for a dumper with GIGs is they more often than not have a fallback person ahead of time and will rebound. They think it’s love, but it’s simple infatuation. After a few months (usually 3-4), they realize it’s not love and typically break things off the with rebound, start to heavily regret their decision to dump the ex, they feel lost, and never really dealt with the pain from the breakup. At this point, the dumpee has already healed and usually has moved on. More often than not, the dumper tries to get back with the dumpee but is still a mess. Because of this, the dumpee is more put off by it. Now I’m not saying that’s exactly how it goes, but I have read a lot of posts by dumpers that had GIGs and they regret it so very much. Sometimes couples actually get back together and have stronger relationships than ever before. It really is a toss up, but interesting nonetheless.
At this point I’m of mind that’s exactly what is going on with my ex. I know she’s beyond lost having jumped ship. She never dealt with the breakup properly, and I know this because she compartmentalizes and doesn’t deal with her problems head on. She is just in a relationship to be in a relationship as she can’t be alone, but she doesn’t really know this person and does not seem happy in the least bit. But I cannot be mad at her. I know she’s confused and hurting, whether she shows it or not. She made her choice and she needs to figure her life out. When she comes back, I hope she’ll have her life together… or at least be willing to prove she is serious about working on herself. If not, her loss not mine. I find myself thinking less and less of her daily, which means I’m healing well.
I hope you’ve had a good day and have some updates when you post again!
I had a very vivid dream last night with my ex in it. It was strange, and it ended with me all but shouting at my former partner, who had not heard me talking to her and was more content to ramble on and on about her life, that I was going to propose to her. She stared back at me taken back as if I had slapped her and looked heartbroken… she was about to say something, but I woke up.
It was a little rough on me, but I was fortunate enough to have a lot of support from my friends. One in particular that is a mutual friend, but gravitates more to me as I’m like the daughter she never had, told me things would work out in time. She was certain of it. “She’ll realize all the good that she had in time and come back.”
I recorded a video today, talking about how my now ex and I met, all that we’ve been through, my plans for proposing and how I felt my actions were most likely misinterpreted. I made it for me, so that one day down the road years from now I can look back and see how far I’ve really come. I guess it was mostly to serve as a reminder that despite how things may seem at the time, it’s not so bad. And truly, it’s not.
I too love documentaries and historical films. But on the opposite end of the spectrum I love sci-fi and horror. I kind of grew up on them as my father is a big movie buff. I honestly love watching just about anything, though romance oddly enough isn’t a big one for me unless it’s made a certain way.
Lately I’ve been on a kick with older films. A buddy and I watch them together, even though he lives in another state. The really cheesy “bad” ones, like the kind Ed Wood made, always give us a hearty chuckle.
I’m also big into video games, art, handy work, writing/reading, and working with computers. I’ve been teased throughout the years asking if there’s anything I can’t do, but it’s probably a result of me helping anyone with just about anything if asked.
I hope you had a good day today!
I understand what you mean. And it certainly seems like it will be a lot sooner than later for you!
That feeling of change, like a pull… it’s interesting you should mention that. I feel like that’s going on behind the scenes right now in my situation. I still have not had contact with my former partner, but those feelings can’t be denied. Some bonds just can’t be severed I guess, no matter how hard you try. And when you’ve been through as much as we had over the past 5 years and then some, it’s kind of hard to just forget that it happened or act like it didn’t.
I feel the same way with it being like we’re already together. It’s a little odd since the reality hasn’t caught up yet, but those feelings can’t be shaken.
I’m having a little bit of a slow day today. I’m working right now and just feel drained almost physically. I think I may need to exercise for a bit.
Are you big into movies by the way? I know you had mentioned a film festival. Any particular genres you like or favorite movies?
I have not read that one actually, but I’ll look into it!
That’s really wild, two people!
Waiting can be tough, but I waited 2 years total before. No biggie. There are plenty of other things I can enjoy during that time, so it’s all good. We’ll get there but we’ll enjoy ourselves first and foremost. 🙂
Hey!Glad to hear you’re doing so well!
It’s a great feeling when you’re about to fall asleep and all feels right within yourself.
Glad to hear she’s still trying to keep in touch. I wish my former partner would do that now, but I know she will in time. Keep playing it cool! I get what you mean about accepting if it happens it happens. I feel the same way, but I too know that it will.
That is really wild about the man you met! I have not met anyone, aside from a few folk on here, that have talked about LOA. Do you mind sharing the book he recommended? It’s piqued my curiosity now. 🙂
Hey Patrick! I’m so sorry, I’ve been busy the past few days. I’m doing very well and my encounter with my psychic was beyond astounding. He knew so many things and specifics and I only gave him general information like how long we were together, she broke up with me, and she lives elsewhere now. I cannot go into detail with the specific work he’s doing for me in regard to her, per his wishes and for it to work out. But I know it’ll work and things will be infinitely better. 🙂
I didn’t get a chance to mention you to him. When he called and told me something really specific about her presently, it really choked me up and that was at the end of the call. :\
I’ve really been working the LoA and things have been going incredibly well. I made an attraction board and I look at it often and envision my future. I know it’ll happen. I’ve also been writing in my gratitude journal often.
Oh! Something really interesting happened. I went over to my parents house to find my passport and was digging around in my old room. I came across an old exchange journal my former partner and I had before we started dancing. It gave me a chuckle and I tossed it to the ground and it opened from the back. I had forgotten we started to write in it from the back when we were together. It opened to the page she had her final entry on, and it blew me away.
She had written about how much she loves me and how she knows with “all her wee little heart” that I am the One for her, even if I disagreed. No amount of searching elsewhere would change that ever. She stated I was attentive, gentle, kind, loving, absolutely cute, and always forgiving of her wiles. I am the most beautiful girl she’s ever seen. She loves me forever and always, and beyond that.
Interesting that I’d find that now of all times. It’s almost like fate (again, haha). Things are certainly going to go well and in my favor. I just need to be patient and keep positive like I have been.
I know that was a lot of stuff, but how have you been? 🙂
He had sent it via e-mail. It was really uncanny and he went into detail with so many things. I believe there are few with a gift like that, some will try to take people for a ride. But there’s no way he could have known all of that from some outside source. You’re right, there are things people could not possibly know. I haven’t had my call with him yet today as he’ll be calling in the evening my time.
I think most of our former partners are confused. It’d be a waste of our time to keep focusing on it when they don’t even know what they’re doing. Breakups are a blessing in disguise if only we take the time to notice that fact. I’m really glad to hear you’re content. 🙂
Hey Patrick! Thanks for the well wishing!
I would go with your gut on things. It is interesting that when you mentioned moving on, she seemed to pop back up. The fact that she said she didn’t want to worry about you with her exams strikes me as odd. How in the world would that tie into her exams? Sounds to me like she misses you. I wouldn’t try to read too much into the coincidence, but you never know!
I understand where you’re coming from however. When I reached out to my ex while meditating and told her I was moving on and wished her well. The next day my psychic said she had woken up from her sleep with thoughts of me (we’ll be discussing that in depth tomorrow).
We’ll see how it plays out, but the initial brief contact with me from him was uncanny. He stated that we pierced one another’s hearts like no one else has. She knows I could be the one, but knowing that almost terrifies her. She also knows there’s no one else out there that could love her as much as I do. He knew about the deep emotional scars she carries from abuse and how it affects her. If we had been left alone to grown on our own, he stated, we would not have had all the problems we’ve had… but influences were getting in the way. There’s also the matter of her own self-doubts getting in the way. Apparently she’s having problems internally between what she wants and what she thinks she wants. All of it sounded incredibly dead on.
I told him nothing about any of that. The most I said was that we had been in a 5 year relationship and she broke up with me. She’s living elsewhere now. We’ll see how the phone call goes tomorrow, but I anticipate it being very interesting based on how the initial contact was.
I’ve been working more on LoA the past few days. Tonight I made an attraction board of all the things I want to attract into my life with pictures. A lot of them were ones that I drew myself as I want to have a lot of my influence in them and my desire to get back into drawing. I’m really proud of it and excited to add more things to it! Might be something you could try out for yourself if you wanted. 🙂
I hope you have a great day tomorrow and I’ll try to toss you out there for the psychic. 😉
Hi Patrick! I hope you’ve been well since we last conversed.
I talked briefly with a psychic. I did not give him details, but it was uncanny how much he knew. I’m honestly surprised at how much he understood and I will be talking with him on Friday in depth. I’ll let you know what he says.
@relic I watched The Secret and I absolutely love it!A bit of an update here:
So I heard from my sister today that my ex’s dog is sick. At the end, she was my dog as well and I’m quite bummed about the news. It just reaffirms for me that my ex cannot be trusted with her own animals. I made a post before about how abusive/neglectful she was in the past with them, but I had seriously hoped she would be forced to be more responsible since there were new people around her (essentially she’d have to step her game up so people wouldn’t know how bad she is with them).
I’m hoping it’s nothing serious, but I’m still worried. Whenever the dog had problems in the past with illness, they were things that could be avoided. My ex would also put off taking her to the vet’s office and things would only get worse. I don’t understand how someone like her could let these things happen since she’s in school for line of work with animals AND works at a vet clinic. I’m angry, concerned, upset, and worried… but nothing I can do about it.
I think I need to go meditate for a bit.
