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Been there done that. I have not spoken with my ex face to face since the breakup in December. I don’t feel I came across needy, as I was accepting at the time, but I did say that I still loved her and had she followed through on her word we could have worked things out. My ex really betrayed my trust and went behind my back to get a lease elsewhere and then backpedaled saying it wasn’t set in stone. All of this after telling me she wanted to work things out. The action was enough in and of itself. I had told her at the time, the day after I found out about it, that had she been honest with me I would have been fine with her moving out as we both needed space and time, but still it could have been worked out. She gave a grand performance saying how she wanted to still be friends and loved me, but was not in love with me, how she wanted to stay in contact, had hope for our future down the line, yada yada. Nothing but more empty words it seems.
It came to my attention, now with a rational, objective mindset, that she had been cheating on me emotionally and had someone lined up the past month or so before the breakup… if not longer. It’s just what she does because she can’t be alone. She knows this as much as I do, but will deny it and act like it isn’t a truth. If you’ve read back on some of my posts, you’ll see that my friend did something she shouldn’t have that all but gave my ex a huge ego boost and a painted target on a safety net. What my ex doesn’t know is that’s gone now.
I advise that you give her time and space and focus on yourself. My ex and I ended on good terms at the time, but there was a nasty little monster that reared its head with her behavior in the months after the breakup. I did absolutely nothing to provoke such a display but sometimes a breakup can bring out the worst in people. Choose a better path for yourself and don’t get sucked into it. I noticed you post a lot on here and seek advice often, but sometimes the answers we need are in ourselves.
Hey, first know you’re not driving me crazy. I’m having a hard time replying as quickly as I’m not home at the moment in front of my computer.
I wouldn’t say she did any physical cheating, but people do say emotional cheating is still cheating. If I believed that, then my ex would be guilty at the end. I guess it depends on what you believe.
My family is the same way. We’re a very loyal bunch and she had been part of our family. My parents are very disappointed and were shocked by her actions, but don’t hate her.
Remember too, for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. If you push, she’ll pull away.. much like that one dude. If you pull away, then perhaps she’ll push toward you. But you have to give it time, space, and really think of you want her back. Is it worth it, with all the difficulty? Could you ever trust her again?
These are things you have to really think hard on, as objectively as possible, without letting emotions get caught up and cloud your judgement.
Your film friend is right. I just wish my words weren’t misinterpreted so much with my ex. But I’m no stranger to it with quite a few folk.
I’m not sure what to tell you man. I had talked with quite a few other girls when my ex was around. I never had any ulterior motives. But I knew it bothered my ex and she had me stop.
Bear in mind family will try to get you to move on. My family has said it. Many times. And I am. But that doesn’t mean I can’t open the door should my ex knock. Family doesn’t want to see you hurt. But you have to decide for yourself what you want. Both of my siblings have been rather quiet on the matter of my ex. They’re both friends with her still and I don’t think either bears hard feelings toward her. My parents don’t hate her either, but they know how much I’ve been hurt.
The time you had together was a long time. You probably know her well enough to know if it’s true or not.
In the meantime pull focus to yourself. Not her. Okay? Deep breaths, put on a movie or something, get out with friends, anything to distract you. Emotions are running high for you today.
Ah, and there’s the Leo! 🙂 I’m glad it helped. And therein lies the metaphor. We get so used to something (hot water) that when it’s suddenly gone, we’re almost feel like we’re at a loss. Now some will simply get out of the shower when the hot water has run out. But to willingly embrace the change (cold water) even if it may be uncomfortable at first, it brings something new. Change isn’t so bad. The things we perceived as being unpleasant might be different, but that doesn’t make them bad.
You have no one to thank but yourself. You made your own decisions, not me. I’m very glad it made you feel better though!
I personally feel that false friends might defeat the purpose. How many people are actually able to go from being lovers and so deeply intimate to just friends? Seems rather rare to me, and you don’t want to be her friend. You want more, just as we all do. But the path is yours to choose.
I cannot be friends with my ex. It pains me somewhat to say that, but I refuse to be taken advantage of or even risk letting myself be taken for a ride. I’ve known my ex for over 15 years. We were best friends before dating. Even then I treated her with more love and care than I do for my friends. I love my friends to death and would do anything for them, but I went the extra mile for her. She used me as an emotional tampon when she was having problems with the ex before me. She seemed grateful, but after some time she grew complacent and got an itch to see what else is out there.
I don’t think she has ever fully realized how good she had it. I have friends that say they would kill to have a relationship with someone like me. She had glimpses when she’d run off and then come back, but nothing full on like this. Tough love. But perhaps the screaming silence at her will do her some good. When she asked before when we wanted to both work things out if we would be friends still if we broke up, I told her I did not know. It wouldn’t be easy for me and I didn’t think it would be fair. She knew the risks and she walked away to her own path.
Now I live my life on my own terms. She’ll live hers on her own. I can only hope that she’ll find happiness someday, but she needs to be happy and love herself first. It is my most sincere hope that she does not end up like those that never embrace themselves or work their issues out.
We’ll keep on, keeping on, hon.
Patrick, you need to calm down. Your mind is racing right now, hon. Nothing is ever lost. Whether you realize it or not, the ball is in your court. You threw the ball to her, and she just kind of fumbled it, it dropped, and it rolled back to you (this is evident with her rather ‘okay, enjoy’ response). Pick the damn ball up man! You’re second guessing yourself. You don’t strike me as a man that just gives up. Where is the Leo, the king?
Do I need to light a fire under your ass? Haha. Seriously, I want you to do something. It might sound odd, but it will make you feel tons better. When you’re able to, go take a hot shower. Gradually switch it over to cold. Water is a great thing and cleanses. The point of the cold, as much as you can bear as long as you can, is to shock and renew you. You need a shock to your system right now. It might be uncomfortable, but you will adjust. When you’re done, I promise you will feel even better. I do this every morning, but the shower itself is more a daily metaphor for me (and it has a TON of great benefits health wise). See if you can decipher the metaphor once you’ve done it and let me know.
I do. I really do, but you need to give both her and yourself time and space. I still believe she was sending those pics and texts because she missed you. You’ve got to keep going and work more on improving yourself.
Look for the shore and start paddling. There are always people that love you and care about you that are waiting and cheering you on, even if you can’t see or hear them. I know this myself personally. My father, who has been my one of my rocks for the past few years, made this very clear last night with his words.
I believe you and I were meant to meet at this point in our lives. I have learned quite a bit from you and you are a good man. Don’t doubt yourself. Don’t give over to fear. It will control you. Accept that you feel you made a mistake. You must move past it. So you fell again… are you going to get up, or just stay down and feel lost?
“Not until we are lost do we begin to find ourselves.” Find yourself. Gather yourself and stand Patrick. I know you can do it and I have so much faith in you. Good folk like ourselves seem to meet adversity often, but we are so much more when we overcome it.
Keep your head up high. Rarely I think our gut is wrong, but sometimes we have to figure out if it’s gut or emotion. I don’t think you’re losing your mind. I think you’re on an emotional high, panicking. You’re not struggling either hon, you’re just adrift. Once you realize that, look for shore and start paddling. You’ll be so much stronger when you get there.
Go NC for awhile. If she tries to talk to you, ignore it and focus on yourself. You and I are both in a situation where we had long term relationships. They are not that easily forgotten or moved past, even with new distractions in terms of our ex’s lives. We are patient. We can get through this. I will do my best to offer support as you have done for me. We are stronger today than we had been yesterday, even if we do not realize it presently.
I’m not going to say the thought hasn’t crossed my mind that perhaps I have some sort of gift. When I was younger, on top of the deja vu, I had quite a few out of body experiences regularly. It used to terrify me because if I was talking to someone, it’s like I would switch places with them and see myself from their point of view. I have very good intuition, but that could also be from having a very sound rationality. I do find myself frustrated at times because I feel like I’m an old soul that has already lived this life once before. Even when I was a tiny thing, a lot would say that I had the mentality of a 30 year old, the whole “wise beyond her years” bit. But again, I cannot say for certain if I have a gift or not.
I am glad to hear that my words and advice offer you something more. I often feel my words are wasted, fall on deaf ears. I’ve also been told I have a gift with writing. Perhaps it’s simply just that, good writing. I will always be here if you want to talk, or if you prefer Skype or something else just let me know.
@HeatherJane82 I’ve heard that quote many times recently! And it’s not silly. I’ve spoken to a psychic recently as well and he told me a lot of things that were spot on. It was kind of creepy just how spot on they were, but I cannot go into detail just yet. All good things in time.
In the meantime, try to enjoy life as it unfolds. Often in life when we seek out an answer so desperately we miss what’s going on around us. Hang tough, hon!
Oh hon, I’m sorry to hear you’re having a rough time. Take a few deep breaths. I really don’t see it as you screwing up. I don’t see it being over either, unless that’s what you truly want, but more of an opportunity for you both. You’ve been doing so well, Patrick. Seriously.
For her to be so wistful in her talking about things with you, I hardly think she was really happy when she said “Okay. Enjoy!” That to me sounds like her being upset and just saying it to say it. I think you need to give things time though and go complete NC for now. She seems to be unsure of what she wants but clearly is not over you.
A friend shared this with me earlier, might help you out a bit:
“Examples of competitive behavior:
-Being overly happy about the break up
-Openly showing that they’re “happy” with someone else
-Boasting about areas of their life that they believe is more superior to yours
-Exaggerating or showing off the fact that they are “over you.” Eg. Flirting with other people, dating, going out a lot, etc.All of this points to the fact that they want to appear better off without you than you are. But why would they need to prove this point if they ARE over you?
Because they’re not!”
I don’t think anything is set in stone, hon. I really and truly do not. You seem like too good of a guy for it to just be the end… and 6 years is a long time. It seems to me like relationships that lasted longer need more time to heal before reconciling. That’s not a bad thing though. Sending you hugs! You’re a great man. Keep you chin up and know that the universe will take care of you. Just try to be patient and stay positive, okay?
Hey, hon!
First of all, take a deep breath and try to relax.
I honestly don’t see this as a crisis. Honestly, it sounds to me like she wants to be with you, but is thinking you might not want to be with her. The fact that she’s reaching out to you and asking questions like “why didn’t we ever do this?” tells me she is not over you. In fact she’s remembering you. YOU. Now she may be going wherever with this dude, but clearly she’d rather be with you. It sounds to me like she just wanted him around for company, nothing more.
I know my ex pulled some stuff the past month or so when we were together saying she felt she knew everything about me already. I told her that wasn’t true and gave examples of things she did not know. Her response? “I didn’t know that!” Of course the same could not be said about her… I asked her to tell me something about her I didn’t know and she couldn’t give me but one new thing. People only know what we tell them and sometimes that only happens when they ask. I still see her asking you about that as a great thing.
I understand that it’s confusing, but again, that’s how I see things from an objective standpoint. Now, if you don’t mind helping me out here…
When my ex broke up with me, I made sure it ended on good terms. She was still my best friend after all. She spouted all this stuff about how she wanted to be friends and hang out and talk all the time. Hasn’t happened a bit.
Now, I heard recently through the grapevine she’s rebelling and acting like she has something to prove. The ones that don’t know her very well are all cheering her on, but those who do know her are just sitting back, confused, like “Uh… what are you doing and who do you think you’re kidding?” I got sick of this behavior as it’s very unbecoming of her. She’s trying to play the victim and make me out to be the bad guy, like I was controlling, which is just strange. Anyone that knew us and knows me knows I am very laid back. I’m more of a giver than anything honestly. I noticed, based on what mutual friends and family have told me that most of these posts she makes line up with some good things I’ve posted on my FB.
So, I went ahead and deleted her from my fb. I am not trying to have a competition with her. My hope is that she will calm down and think about how she’s acting/what she’s doing. She is repeating a pattern and I think this is just what she does when she meets someone new. The sad thing is with this rebound, she’s not as happy as she had been when she first started dating me. At least she smiled, posted things fondly, and was grateful. Not so much this time. But for now I need to remove myself from the situation completely. Who knows, maybe she’ll get the message that I won’t tolerate that kind of bad behavior and it will set in, truly, that I am gone for good (even if I might not be, still not 100% sure at this time with regard to the future).
Thoughts?
@Nell It really is quite coincidental! But as I’ve been told, it catches up at some point. So we’ll see how that goes in time. You, too, sound like you’ve got a great noggin! It’s interesting for us to sit back and work on ourselves while exes are off on a great snipe hunt!
Dreams are a strange thing. I’ve had a few with my ex, which is funny as I never really dreamed of her before. But hey, it’s just your brain trying to work through things. It can really throw you off, but take it as a good sign that your brain is actually sorting through things.
You’re preaching to the choir hon. Trust me, I am a very determined woman and I don’t like to feel like I’ve failed at something. I do not give up easily. But the way I see it this is not giving up, it’s enduring and growing into something more. I waited 2 years to be able to date my now ex. 2 years. Did I sit around just chasing after her, let my life revolve around her? No. I lived my life. I too go out of my way to help those I care about, and even those I hardly know. It’s just how I was raised.
Life can be like driving at night sometimes. You can only see but so far ahead of you as your lights only show but so much of the road. You have to go a bit at a time. Drive too fast and you’ll overdrive your headlights and have problems. Sometimes we hit patches of fog and have to slow down and can’t see quite as well. But with patience, we still get by.
Sometimes you have to fake it until you make it. Humans are creatures of habit. I’ve heard the way to make something permanent is to do it 21 times. When you wake up in the morning get out of bed, take a shower, get dressed and ready for the day. I know even that could be a challenge, but you’ve just got to do it. When you’re done, stand in front of a mirror and strike the classic Wonder Woman pose. You would not believe how much confidence that can give you and I believe it’s been scientifically proven to be helpful. Look at yourself in the mirror and tell yourself how confident, happy, strong, and successful you are, and whatever else needs to be said. Smile when you do it. Do this enough times, at least 21 days preferably, and you will start to change how your brain fires. It’s really helping you in the long run. 😉
When I first started NC, I was determined not to sulk all the time. Whenever I ventured out to run errands and the like, I would make myself smile and put a pep in my step. It paid off immensely. Perfect strangers would pick up on it and smile, wave, and greet me. In return, that just made me feel even better and it became a genuine display. Heck, some days I had encountered people that were total grumps who smiled and it seemed to help them more than me. Contagious. Fake it until you make it.
@HeatherJane82 I understand that it hurts. We always carry those we have loved in our hearts. Always. Never forget that. Despite distance, time, even death… they’re there. I think too often people just give up on things worth fighting for, but everyone has their own path to walk and at their own pace. At this time, my ex is not worth fighting for… I am and I deserve better, so I’m taking on the approach of “dating” myself, so to speak. I get how you feel and I am truly sorry that you are experiencing this pain. As I’ve said in the past, a skinned knee is easier to mend than a skinned heart. But take this experience and grow from it if you can. It won’t happen over night, it will be challenging, and I won’t lie and say it gets easier– rather it becomes more manageable and affects you less.
As of last night, I removed my ex from fb. I know it’s advised to keep them around so they can see how happy you are and that you’re moving on with your life, but in my mind that’s just an attempt to try to prove something. I have nothing to prove to someone like her. If she really cares about how I am, she’ll find a way I’m sure (if not her family bringing up my successes since her step-dad and grandparents love me). -shrug- After hearing about my ex’s recent behavior and her futile attempts to prove herself to those around her and acting like a 13 year old (she’ll be 25 on Sunday mind you), I realized how silly it was. I had originally unfollowed her so it wouldn’t show on my feed, but a friend had told me something ridiculous she posted:
“Love is when someone does not try to tame you, but rather runs wild with you.”
My friend had been tempted to say, “Uh.. you had that with ThePhoenix!” but thankfully did not. It’s funny because I have noticed a pattern with my ex. She said the same thing to me many times during our relationship and told me numerous times she was thankful that I never tried to change her, but embraced her and celebrated it. It’s almost a slap to the face with her playing victim and trying to say I tried to change her/control her. It pains me to say it, but having a rational mind and objectiveness, she truly is unhappy and damaged inside. As a result, being unwilling to try to work on herself internally, she attributes problems to external things and places the blame on others. As my counselor has said, she’s pointing a finger but has 3 more back on her. Her way of coping with the voids in herself and the abuse she suffered in the past is to latch onto others and siphon their happiness and attention. It never lasts, but how could it? No matter how much water you try to put into a cup that has a hole in it, it will never be full unless you seal the hole.
I’ve washed my hands of it for now. I have no doubt she’ll be back in the future should things blow up in her face (as they have a tendency to do) or she realizes what she’s lost. But I’m closing the door. Until she has proven that she loves herself and has dealt with her problems, if she ever decides to, there is nothing I have to offer or will offer aside from time and space. I come first. I’m happy and I love myself. I have a tendency to help others in any way I can, but have realized I cannot help those who cannot help themselves. Yes, I knew this before but I never had it hit me really until now.
I will add to this: the best thing my ex before her did was to remove me from fb and block me. We had tried to talk as friends after we broke up, but I was young, foolish, and insecure. I drove her away as a friend and it drove me nuts when she cut me out of her life. I wanted so badly to know what she was up to, how she was, etc. Years later, having grown and matured, we were able to sort things out. We talk often now and look back at the experience with a cheeky grin and laughter, knowing how inexperienced and foolish we were. Her silence and resolve at that time were the greatest gifts she had ever given me. I know it wasn’t easy for her and she told me she regretted being a jerk, but it was the best thing at the time.
When I cut communication with my current ex when we were just friends, she came back in time. She had it in her mind that I was a terrible person, didn’t care about her, and her ‘new’ friends were amazing and loved her deeply. Many nasty things had been said to me, but I kept cool and told her if she wanted to be friends again, then come find me when she was ready. She found out the hard way that they didn’t care and just wanted to have fun. She realized she had messed up and acted foolishly. Realizing what she had and appreciating my friendship, she took a big step months later to reconcile.
Time is a wonderful thing, but you have to focus on yourself and care less about whoever has hurt you. Stay strong all!
Hey you two!
GIGs is certainly an interesting thing, but I think it’s human nature for most. I know my ex’s rebound was already lined up as fallback, but like I said my ex does not seem to be happy. If anything, this other girl is the one calling the shots and using my ex more than anything. A friend told me recently my ex posted something along the lines of “Love is when someone does not try to tame you, but rather runs wild with you.” It’s funny because she said that to me many times when we had dated and thanked me and appreciated the fact that I never tried to change who she was. But I’ve noticed a pattern here. She’s doing all the same “deep” quotes and the like when we started dating. She appears to be trying to make me out to be the bad guy, but I did nothing to warrant it and others know this. I’m certain it’s a phase, this whole rebellious thing, very much like a quarter life crisis I suppose.
@relic Certainly have been busy! I’d be willing to wager they’re be back in time when they see the grass is not greener. How long that takes, it’s hard to say. But I am a very patient woman and I’ve got my own life going well for me.@patrick_d Glad to hear you’ve been staying busy too. I don’t see that guy hanging around. I’m sure you two will be together again in time. Just keep doing what you’re doing hon!
I’ve been busy and have a work shift change coming up for a few weeks, as I’m covering for a coworker, so it’s going to be hectic but good. I’ll definitely have a nice paycheck to set some aside for the vacations I’m planning this summer. All good things in time!
@HeatherJane82 I know it’s tough, hon. We all miss our exes, even if they did some pretty crappy things. It’s hard when you’ve planned a future only to be told “yeah, not gonna happen anymore.” But people really don’t move on that quickly and I’ve been told the above by my ex multiple times now (but she came back every time).
It’s normal for humans to want to avoid or get past something that has caused any sort of pain. When you get a cold all you want is to be better again. But when you’re healthy you take it for granted. When you get a bad cold again, you remember to be thankful for your health. It’s no different than emotional things like a break up. You want the pain to go away, but with all things it takes time to heal.
No, you don’t do things like this to someone you love but we all do things we regret at times, even with love. We don’t mean to hurt those we care about but sometimes it just happens, even if we go out of our way to try to ensure it doesn’t happen.
@knitterz I know where you’re coming from and I’m so sorry to hear that you’re hurting. You’re not an idiot, you’re hurt. Be gentle with yourself. My ex is also one of my best friends and I consider her my soul mate too… and she felt the same way. But the way I see it, if time and space is what could be the best gift I give her at this moment, even if it may potentially be the last one I ever give, then I will gladly give it. For me, the important gifts I gave were usually intangible: love, kindness, an abundance of forgiveness, patience, understanding, and absolute loyalty. It’s harder to give those things when you’re hurting, but I think it makes you a better person in the long run.Everyone,
Stay strong and keep your head up, stay busy, find something you enjoy and do it if you feel down. Find a project to start or a new hobby. Go out with friends or family. Keep a gratitude journal. Find inspirational quotes/pictures and put them up where you’ll see them often. For me, my friend gave me a plaque of a quote from Winnie the Pooh (not my thing, but the message means a lot to me and empowers me): “Promise me you’ll always remember: you’re braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.” It’s beside my apt door so I see it several times every day and it really sends a message. Hang in there! We’ll get trough this.
