ThePhoenix

@archola I could not say for certain, just as you cannot say for certain. I think we all miss our exes, that goes without being said. But at the end of the day, the only sure guarantee we have is ourselves. It’s always been that way and always will be. Try to shift your focus to better things. I’d say at this point we’re all friends here and we care about what one another is going through. I choose to look at this in a positive light because I like meeting new people and helping others. It gives me a chance to exercise myself emotionally and grow more.

Before I was with my ex, I can remember her being with a boyfriend in high school (who turns out, was abusive in just about every way). She was forced into a position where if she did not do what he wanted, there would be consequences… and dear lord I can remember them being out in the hallway every day making out hardcore. I can remember rolling my eyes along with all of my classmates as we’d walk by going to class, but at that time we did not know the entire story. When her previous ex just got out of the picture, I can remember being very upset thinking about all she did with him when he was such an unfavorable person. I got past it. I’ve heard through the grapevine my ex may be with a rebound, but so what. It’s not my business anymore. If I sit and worry and fret, it does not go me any good.

Try to do 3-4 things at once to hold your focus. I know it helps me a lot. The mind can only do 3-4 things at one time, unless you’re a disciplined monk or something, haha. For me, breathing in and out through my nose while trying to focus and feel my heartbeat does it. If it helps, put your hands over your chest while doing it… you’ll find it awfully hard to think about bad things when your mind is busy.

It’s impossible to forget those things hon. Believe me. I’ve had some nasty falling outs before with friends and I still remember them to this day and miss them. And these are people from over 10 years ago! If you two shared a special, intimate bond, as many of us have, it’s even more strong and cannot be forgotten so easily. Take a few deep breaths, close your eyes, and count to 10 while drawing the numbers mentally.

I’ve found that either doing that, or sitting/laying down and focusing on your inhale/exhale, your heart beat, feeling your heartbeat, and the air moving through your nose will calm your brain down. People can only focus on 3 or 4 things at one time, so this should help.

Alright, here’s the story but it might be kind of long.

She came into my life like a hurricane my senior year of high school. As I’ve said before, I’ve known her since about the time we were in 3rd grade and throughout the years our paths would cross. We easily became close friends and it seemed like in no time at all, I had fallen for her. Unfortunately for me, she was with someone else. This particular person did not treat her well at all and she was essentially a trophy girl for him. I tried to keep my feelings for her to myself, but after some time I confessed them to her. As time went on, she became more open to the idea of being with me, but had to test the waters a few times. We had a bit of a falling out for awhile and I stopped all communication with her, telling her when she matured a little she knew where to find me.

After a few months, she came to me and apologized for the falling out and asked if we could hang out after work (we worked at the same place at the time). I was a little hesitant, but said sure. We went to her place after work and she ended up getting me drunk and kissing me, then running from the room immediately afterward leaving me shellshocked. Supposedly this was all during a break with her ex. She eventually returned to her ex though and I was crushed, but determined. I did the usual, “I’m not going to get in between you and so-and-so, but I do feel if you actually took a chance on me you’d be better off and happier.” It came to the point where I eventually grew tired of waiting around and hoping and said what will be, will be. I turned my attention back to myself.

At this time 2 years had passed since I told her how I felt. I told her I was done trying to chase after her and that I’m letting go. I wished her the best of luck with her ex, but beseeched her to try to be happy because that’s all I wanted for my best friend.

Within a month or so, Halloween came up and I told her how I would always help decorate my parents house and help hand out candy/dress up all spooky like. She was very interested and asked if she could join me– I said sure. So we got all dressed up and did our thing. The entire time she kept trying to take the mask I had on off, but my dad would always come out about that point and she’d stop, saying she was just fixing it for me. After we shut down for the night, we both were sitting on the porch swing talking and she leaned over and kissed me. Again, shellshocked as she was the first person to ever kiss me and I was NOT expecting it. She teased me a little and said something to the effect of “You’re not going to kiss me back?” before kissing me again (which I returned).

She told me she had broken up with her ex and was ready to give me a shot, if I still wanted to be with her. We just let things happen, and looking back they happened way too fast. I’m also not so sure she had fully broken it off with her ex as I was at her place one night when he called and she had to reiterate that it was over, but this poor guy wanted desperately what he neglected.

I think that may be part of the reason we had so many problems over the years, the things happening so far, or more specifically she had problems (I couldn’t really find any fault that could not be worked out).

So once more, I’m walking away from things. It won’t be easy, especially since I actually did have an intimate relationship with her, but she’s made it clear she does not have time for a relationship and lost interest. I understand that this is her last chance to get through school in the area as she’s in a specialized program. I did let her know the day after the breakup that if she had told me honestly that she needed time apart and wanted to move out, I would have agreed with her and we probably could have worked things out. I also told her I would not be getting involved with her again until after she was out of school as I did not need it held over my head (her family pressured her a lot about school and I seemed to be a problem in their eyes I believe). When I asked my now ex about us in the future, she said she did not know and could not think about it right now, but was hopeful for it.

Like Martin pointed out earlier, I think she just needs time and space. In that time, I need to get myself back and do my own thing and hope she’ll grow and mature as well.

Alright, how would this sound:

“Hey <ex>! I have been doing fantastic and hope you have been doing well too. ^^ I’m actually busy tomorrow and your things aren’t here anymore. You’ll have to get with my parents so they can unlock the garage/pull down the attic stairs for you. It made more sense to have all your things in one spot since you have a lot of things to get from their place from over the years, so you can collect them when you can. ”

Too much?

@Martin

I’m not sure what to do about that. My ex has been using one of my old gaming accounts still and I thought about taking it back. But it really makes you the bigger person not to do that and it honestly, I think, shows you aren’t thinking about her/don’t care. I also don’t need hostility coming my way as she bought maybe 3/30+ games on the account and I’m sure would throw a tissy. I’m also in a position where I can afford to be somewhat generous in that department as I have more and actually have stability. Now if it was something that was solely yours, like a Netflix account that YOU pay for (ex had tried to use mine the other day, hah), that’s one thing.

Also, I would not do things to purposefully try to make your ex jealous. Typically a negative action only brings about a negative reaction and that would only lead to more hurt. Now if you’re doing your thing, happen to be out having a good time with a female friend and post a picture because you’re having fun and perhaps the friend wants to have it on their social media wall, that’s fine. But I’m the type that does not want to play games. I know I’m better than that and won’t sink to my ex’s level and let her get a rise out of me. By doing that, I lose the power I’ve gained.

Thanks for your reply esamuels! It’s really great to see a success story on here. I hope you and your gal continue to do well.

This definitely gives me more hope for the future, and I’m sure it does others as well. Stay classy, friend!

@Nell Good on you for sticking to NC for 41 days. That’s really impressive and encouraging for those who are not as far along. Yeah, things have gotten back to me as well from my ex through the grapevine, though most of which strikes me as grass is not greener despite her “everything is awesome!” demeanor. You know it’s funny when your ex’s mom sends you a text, despite hating your guts, saying you’re handling the breakup in such a mature manner. Tsssssssssss, I’ll take the compliment, but still do not like the crazy, fake woman. Sometimes, sitting in silence is better than lashing out. Do we really want to look like the typical “crazy ex” or the reasonable one? I know I don’t, and my ex who dumped me is doing a bangup job doing that herself lol.