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“We were together for 6 years. She says she needs to find herself and her own identity aside from me. I have to find mine too. She seems miserable but is being so cold to me.”
My ex and I were together for 12yrs, and ultimately she said the same thing to me.
Here’s what I did. I stopped living with her. I initiated NC, and I have really thought about how I can improve myself and my life without her. It’s hard, and it’s a struggle everyday. I’m doing it, however, and yeah it’s for a shot to be with her again..but it’s also because I finally saw that some things she said were right. We were in a rough spot, we were both codependent and it started with issues that she was having with jealousy and trust. I really did lose my life outside of her. I gave up friends and family. If we went out it was with her friends, etc. I had no identity. I’m thankful for the breakup as hard and hurtful as it is. If I don’t get her back, I’m still going to be a happier person for it.
No contact is a time for you to be your best..and after a period of time, show her that you have created an identity all your own without her. Become happy, improve physically, emotionally and mentally. Hopefully, she will have done the same thing, but you really shouldn’t focus on her. At all!
For me, personally, I don’t think anything could’ve been fixed while in the relationship. We both would’ve fallen back into the same old pattern and cycle..and I never would’ve discovered aspects of myself that have helped hinder my relationship.
You still live with her, and that’s tough. I got out right away so I don’t have a clue how to handle that situation. I would suggest not arguing over the breakup. If she mentions it, just be cool about it. Keep conversations short, and if that’s not possible, keep them light.
Also, don’t become depressed and stop taking care of yourself around her. Make sure you shower, dress nicely, act confident..and all that good stuff. Get out of the house: go jogging. go read in a park. join an athletic team. start building your identity! The last thing you need is for her to feel as if you are pathetic right after the breakup.
I’m sure you’ll get more advice. Hang in there!
How long were you two together?
Over a period of time, partners get lazy. They start burping and farting in front of each other, they don’t groom themselves daily, they stop dressing nice, their bodies go to shit..and then there’s the emotional laziness. They stop connecting. After a while, the attraction goes away. It can come back, but with you stepping back away from the situation and taking the time and effort to realize where you could improve.
Many people think basic love is all that’s needed. Looks aren’t everything, and personality and emotional connection can make up for a lot of what looks can’t cover. However, it is always important to be your “attractive best” as often as possible. It keeps up that sexual desire, and motivates your partner to improve in the areas where they lack as well.
most people don’t understand that.. they think if you have basic love, it should be enough to make things last forever. Love at first sight is bogus. It’s attraction at first sight. It’s what made them interested in the first place. Second, they speak to you.. they get to know your personality a bit. Third, comes intimacy. All three of these things keep a relationship. Of course, there’s way more to each of these 3 things, but that’s the basics.
Midnight,
The key to all of this is.. don’t analyze her and what she says. Only analyze yourself and find where you can improve your life and yourself. If you sit around thinking into everything (Like I have plenty of times) it will only hurt you and stifle your progress. Keep up NC. Good luck
So, here’s some more books. I can’t wait to buy them!
The first one: The Power of Two: Secrets to a Strong and Loving Marriage
by Susan Heitler, PH.D.This book gives great examples of both everyday and intimate dialogue that benefits both partners. It said marriage in the title, but this can be for friends, girlfriends, etc. It is an eye opener on how to communicate appropriately with people.
This book also touches on how to help yourself when you’ve been hurt. It mentions 3 skill types for this: Self-soothing, Insight, and Reality Testing.
Quick summary of the 3 skill types:
Self-Soothing: don’t sit around punishing yourself for your partner’s bad mistake or behavior. They already hurt you, so why hurt yourself!? Instead, build yourself up, stay your attractive best..and your partner will be more likely to feel motivated to try to deserve you. (Hmm We’ve hear this before, EH!? 🙂 )Insight: Find wisdom in every down moment. Learn to deal with what life hands you in an effective way. LEARN from what’s going on at the time so that it can make for a better future; whether that’s tomorrow or a month from now. This is a time for personal growth.
Reality testing: Self-soothing and insight by themselves can lead to a bad situation. Once you’ve been through self-soothing and insight, ask yourself, “What does the wrong doing committed say about your partner? Do you feel like there can be a strong and loving relationship? Does your mate understand the severity of their wrong doing? If not, then the situation is worse than just the wrong doing. If your partner is not empathizing; approaching it in a way that will benefit the relationship, then your partner lacks something. This could be emotional maturity, etc. If you and your partner are having constant “fouls”/major “fouls”, it is time to seek professional help.
This book has a lot in it that can really help with communication!! I recommend it highly.The next book I really enjoyed was: “The Self-centered Marriage: Rebuilding your “We” by Reclaiming your “I” by Hal Edward Runkel (With Jenny Runkel)
This book asks you to focus on yourself and calm down, so that you can learn to embrace the natural changes and conflicts of marriage. A “formula” that is stressed in the book is: “Calm down, Grow up, Get closer, Repeat”
It gives great examples of what each step in the formula is and how it is used.
What’s great about this book is that “Intimacy starts with “I”” .. that right there. lol I got a kick out of it. Maybe it’s because I’ve been really tired all day and everything is funny.But yeah, it really touches on intimacy and how you must! have! intimacy! if it’s going to last. It coaches you on it, and I do believe there are exercises you can practice with in the book. I read a lot so forgive me if I am wrong. I haven’t bought them yet!
That’s it for now!
7 days of not hearing her voice. 7 days of not seeing her. I cried. A lot. But I felt better after and kept a positive mindset. Better to stay away and have a fighting chance, than try hard now and it ruining the possibility.
Hang in there! It’s hard, but the end result will be beneficial if not amazing
My ex and I were together for 12yrs. About three or four months before the concrete actions of breaking up occurred is when she started to change. She stopped speaking to me about her feelings. I tried to empathize, but she kept exhibiting bad behavior that wasn’t healthy for our relationship. Then, I started contributing to the bullshit that was dragging us down as a result. I didn’t know how to handle her complete cut off as an intimate partner. Eight years is a long time, friend. There’s a lot of good in there that she will eventually reflect on. Give her time. And give yourself time. It’s emotionally draining for everyone involved. It’s hard, I know. Everyone makes statements and it seems so easy..but we all know it’s hard as hell.
You were with your ex for a really long time. So many couples don’t make it that long. And if you didn’t have any big fights, etc… then I’d say you have a great chance.
Athens,
In every book I’ve read, NC is an important time to work on yourself so there’s worth to be found with both you and your ex. If you get employment, your confidence is bound to go up. Then, you can not only work on your internal self, but the exterior as well..becoming more confident as the changes are made. I just read today that in most cases, when we improve ourselves, it makes our partners want to try and attempt to deserve us as partners. It kind of made me feel better about NC. As I’ve stated, I’m afraid my ex will not work on herself. Meanwhile, I’m doing everything in my power to better myself. I know I shouldn’t concentrate on her at all, but what I read today gave me hope that if I concentrate on myself and show that genuine change has occurred on my end..she will surely follow. Keeping the faith! 🙂
Thanks, Mordecai! I’m about to head to the bookstore in a bit. I’ll post more titles and subject matter here tonight. 🙂
Hey Sunshine,
I actually ordered relationship rewind, but cancelled it. I read from several reviews that it can end up being a scam. I’m not saying Kevin has anything to do with scamming people, but I have little money and I can’t have some company taking the liberty of taking money out when I haven’t purchased anything.
I will look into Text Your Ex Back, and I have read some of The Secret. I need to finish it! 🙂Thank you for the suggestions. Very much appreciated!
Athens,
Regarding neediness, I read that a needy partner is really about them wanting to be needed. This does not mean you need to contact her and “need” her. NC all the way!
If she is as needy as you make her out to be, then that is a deep seeded problem that she will have to eventually work out on her own because constant neediness isn’t healthy for either partner in a relationship.
But yeah..each person in a partnership wants to feel as if they are of use to the other..to be shown they have worth. It’s important, and if they don’t feel that over a certain amount of time, they’ll find worth with someone else. I think I’m stating that right. It’s not about how much attention you give them..but how much attention you need from them. And it can actually come off as them being needy. Make sense? Just a thought..And not having the money to be able to spend the appropriate time with her could be a factor, but like you said.. don’t think much about it. Just concentrate more on yourself and rock NC like no one’s business. I’m going to. lol
Thanks for your post. 🙂
Mike,
Definitely work on being confident. Confident (not cocky) people are generally more attractive. I’ve seen some of the most physically unattractive people carry themselves with such confidence, that they attract my attention. Even if you’re not feeling very confident, act like it. My confidence was so low at the point of breakup, that I had no idea if I was worth another breath of air. It was terrible.
I had to restart NC today. So I am on day 1. Yesterday, after 5 days of NC, I had to text her about something to do with the security deposit on the house I rent. I ignored her advances for communication after that and today. I did, however, get the chance to tell her that I need space and time to deal with the breakup, etc. It was a short and to the point statement. Now, here I go again.
I still have fear that NC won’t work, but all I can do is keep the faith!
I am sure she still thinks about you. Even if you became her worst enemy, she’d still think of you (at least from time to time). It’s not easy to remove people from your mind, even if they’ve been removed from your life. Especially if you become close to them on an intimate level.
I hope the best for you too, love.
Chin up. 🙂Thanks, Julia. I tell myself what you are saying constantly. That it’s going to take time. We did end in a pretty messed up way. Constant fighting for almost 3 months in the end. I’ll try to get back on track with my outlook of NC. I was fine for almost 5 days, but then doubt creeped in. Then, I had to make contact. It was so rough for me last night. I even had continuous nightmares about my ex and her rebound. It can only get better.. lol right?
