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Thank you DanMurphy. I see what you’re saying. I think there are many things I look at the wrong way due to still being, like you said, not emotionally stable. I’ll try to be understanding of her emotions, but focus on myself, alone, while in NC. 🙂
Have a great day.
I’m no expert, but I would maintain some contact. To let her know that you are there and support her as a friend. I wouldn’t pressure her about a relationship. The loss of a loved one can really mess people up, especially if they were close with the loved one that passed on.
Julia,
I’ve attempted no contact quite a few times, but she would find excuses to come by to see me or talk to me as soon as I mention us taking time for ourselves. This last time, it was after she gave me a big speech about wanting to be with me and seeing a future with me..then turning around and saying she still had feelings for her rebound and it wasn’t fair for me that she “feels” something for this other girl..plus she felt like it was being forced. So that’s when I started physical NC. The texting and phone contact ended 5 days ago. I didn’t tell her the plan of NC, but she kept trying to speak to me. Last night, I had to text her about the security deposit that the landlord was calling me about. She tried calling, but I didn’t answer. Instead, I texted her saying that I need space and time. I had went 5 days full NC and I hate that I had to contact her. >=[
I will try to stay positive, but it really is difficult some days!Athens,
Do you think that your ex seeming relieved and happy is possibly a show or maybe it is relief from the chaos that could’ve been happening with you two? (Idk your story)
When my ex first decided to separate herself and pursue her rebound..she said she was relieved. That she didn’t feel anxiety and was embracing the changes happening in her life, but almost a month after her mother and my ex both told me my ex was having a hard time. She couldn’t stay still for too long, she had anxiety, she was horribly confused and scared she was making a mistake, and she was sad all the time. I guess what I’m trying to say is, maybe it is true relief at first because it’s not the same stressful situation, but maybe it will end up where he misses you and is able to feel just as much relief when around you? Or maybe just not feel the stress? Maybe I am totally off or I am speaking from a place of hope for myself.
So, I messaged my ex last night (who has been trying to contact me since Day 1 of NC) because I had to let her know why there is NC for a while. She didn’t reply until today, and I think she tried calling me too but it said Unavailable so I didn’t answer thinking it was her. Anyway, her text said “I understand. It’s so hard not talking to you and not knowing if you are okay. I was so happy and relieved to hear that you found a roommate. You are in my thoughts and prayers.”
I feel like she views me as some wounded animal. Seems like she only has concern over my well being and that’s why she wants to talk to me. Shouldn’t she miss me at least a little? I mean, she’s been up and down with me since the break up. Wanting to have a future with me to not having a future with me..back to feeling like it would never work..back to suggesting we have children together..to having feelings for her rebound to only being her friend. Idk anymore. I’m discouraged. I haven’t seen her in 5 days. She only attempted to see me once. (Which I ignored the attempt) I just had to start over NC because of an issue with the security deposit for the house I’m living in.
It bothers me because it’s not the kind of missing me I’m hoping for. I know it’s still early, but yeah. She seems to think of me as someone that needs to be looked after. That shit bugs me to no end. I’m one of the strongest people I know..and she even says it, but yet, she only wants to keep in touch to make sure I’m all right.. as if I am incapable. I’ve never been incapable. I’ve been on my own or with her since I was 17! This pisses me off and hurts me too.
I guess this should light an even bigger fire under my ass to stay motivated to make real changes physically, emotionally and mentally.
——————————————–Thank you, Athens. I’m trying. =\
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Morvarid,
I am so afraid of having the same thing happen. If I improve everything about myself, I feel like she might say that the break up was a good thing for both of us. She already says too much that she isn’t good for me, etc. If I improve without her, I fear she will get the message that I am better without her and won’t attempt to connect with the new and better me.
I wouldn’t know what to do in that situation either. I wouldn’t know if I should express how great she is for me, that I think because we are both in a better mind frame we could have what we’ve always wanted together. I just dont know.. I wish you luck. I’m interested in knowing how it works out for you.
Thank you, mhyy. I appreciate everything you said in your post. I said what you suggested, and I never received a reply. Kind of bothered me, but then again I am relieved when really thinking about it. If she replies, it could tempt me to communicate more. Something I am DETERMINED NOT TO DO. I really want to hit 30 days. One day at a time, I guess. 🙂 Thanks again.
S
Suzy, day 5 of NC. I made contact today. It had to be done. It was about the security deposit. My landlord, my ex and I had to determine who was getting the security deposit. I didn’t talk to my ex on the phone. She called, but I didn’t answer. She texted me and I did reply. I hate that I had to make contact with her. I want to do at least a SOLID 30 days without her coming around or speaking to her. She texted me, “So are you not going to speak to me anymore? 🙁 ” I didn’t reply. I don’t know how. What do I say to that? I feel like I should reply because it comes off as still bitter and hurt if I avoid it. I still have my doubts about the 30 days, but only time will tell. I am in the process of making affirmations everyday. Finding time to relax outside of usual life duties. Learning about meditation and overall getting back in touch with my spiritual side. I’ve been reading a ton of books about relationships, why they go bad, bad behavior that erodes a strong relationsip.. it’s really helping. Even if this relationship really is at an end, I will know how more about myself and how relationships work..and that will lead to a strong, long lasting relationship. So.. DAY 1 of NC starts tomorrow morning. 🙁
Bricknerar,
I think I will always want what’s best for my ex, no matter what. NC is about me and I should concentrate on being the best me. However, I want her to have a great relationship with or without me. It’s hard not to want her to figure herself out. I feel like if she continues down the path she is heading, no one will stay with her. Her own mother said that if she doesn’t fix how selfish she is, she will never have a good relationship. That, and her trust issues. Idk. After 12yrs, I can honestly say she will always hold a very special place in my heart where I will always be concerned for her. Want her to be the happiest she can be. With or without me. I suppose I can do that after NC though. haha 🙂
Thanks Athens. I know what NC is all about, but sometimes I get off track mentally because my emotions get the better of me. Fear.. it’s a killer. I’ll continue doing me. 🙂
SI do hold hope for a reunion. My ex came to me after about a month and asked if I wanted to work on things. I didn’t know about NC at the time or even how to go about a breakup. It’s my first time in over a decade I’ve been in a breakup! Anyway, she said she pictured a family and children with me. We had spent almost a week together in total, and she started spending the night. But I could see something was still disconnected. At times, she gives me the same loving stare, she tells me she loves me, she wants to touch my thigh or hold my hand in the car, etc. Then at other times, she speaks like a robot. Like she isn’t really on the same emotional level as before.
The day after speaking to me about family and marriage, she spoke to her rebound girl and then broke things off with me again. It was day 1 all over again. I broke down. I didn’t know how to stay strong after the second time she came in my door and said she had feelings for someone else and that she didn’t want to pursue things with me. She contacted me a couple days later and we went to see a movie. She paid for everything, but I told her it’s not right because this isn’t a date. She gave a cute smile and look and said ‘I know’..but she was attempting to make it a date. She then mentioned in a convo about having a child with me. I turned that down as well. Then when she left me, I broke down again. I cried to her and told her it’s too painful to see her say she loves me, give me the same loving looks and touches..even still calling me baby…then she walks out on me. She kissed me all over my face and body as she said sorry, but it was so empty. Like it was just something to say. No real meaning behind it. So, I told her to go. And that’s when I started NC.
My point in telling you all of that is that her behavior.. her confusion..is enough for me to give it one final shot after NC. I haven’t set a time limit on NC because I need her to see that this rebound girl is just a rebound. I also need time to fix myself. The breakup was hurtful, and one of the bad things I did while she came to me with getting back together was I talked about everything that happened constantly..and I don’t trust her at the moment so I would let her know. I think my doubt helped her doubt evolve and she doubted her own honesty and actions..thus, she backed off. So, next time..I will be in a better place emotionally and mentally to deal with being around her. I also hope that she will be in a better position to know exactly what she wants. I have to let it all ride out. So yeah.. I do have hope. Even better, I have faith.
Yeah.. the things both of our exes have said are spot on each other. I’m sure there are plenty of people going through this type of thing. It can’t be easy for them either. To suddenly doubt everything about your life because you became unhappy..looked around and realized something just wasn’t right anymore. I think it’s important to understand the place they are at, and in the meantime, we have time to explore our own minds and hearts. In the end though, if NC doesn’t work and our exes don’t come back to us, we are still better people as result. I’m taking NC very serious in terms of it being a time for reflection and dedication to myself and what I need and want. I worry about my ex’s well being, but I worry about mine more now. Even right after the breakup and she broke my heart, I was still concerned with what she needed. How she was feeling. That’s not normal. That speaks volumes about who and what I had become in the relationship. I molded myself to her and revolved around her life. If there was something about my life she didn’t like, I was willing to change it without a fight. A good relationship is where both people have their own identities outside of each other, but can bring those identities together to form a beautiful union. Overtime, we lost that. Her issues with jealousy, insecurity and paranoia developed issues for me to where I had anxiety if I spoke to other people around her. If she walked into the door, I felt anxiety because I didn’t know if she was going to find something wrong with anything. That’s how bad it got. I’m glad that relationship ended. It wasn’t healthy for either one of us. All I can do now is become a confident, charismatic person again; and show my ex we can have happy, loving days that far outweigh anything that’s happened in the past. Then again, she also has to do some soul searching. And that’s what will make or break the outcome, I feel.
It very well could be. My ex started comparing herself to her friends a lot. They are all married and planning families (some even pregnant). One day, we received a letter from friends. They announced they were pregnant. My ex cried and became really sad. I told her that I just needed time. Give me a year to get my degree and get things in our relationship in order. Well, all I heard from that day forward is how she is unhappy with her degrees (She is a nurse and massage therapist), she feels like she hasn’t done anything and is going on 29, how she doesn’t own her own home or even financially capable of having a child. All of these things she could change, but instead just became even more insecure about. I encouraged her, but it kind of blew up in my face. She started going out more, disappearing..etc. She started acting like one would think a teenager would act. During the breakup, she only speaks of her flaws and how she just wants time to figure out her life and see who she is without me. A lot has been said by her, and it’s all left me confused. After initiating NC, I am more clear headed about my role in the breakup, but she is in such a crisis at the moment, I am not sure if she’ll realize what and how she can improve in order to live a healthy life and have a great relationship. I’ve told her a lot throughout the early stage of the breakup that she is amazing, and she has a lot to feel good about. She has two degrees, she’s smart, she has charisma, and she is going to eventually make an awesome mother. I just feel like between growing up being ridiculed by her parents, and her hitting 29 and not feeling like she’s done much in life, I’m going to have a hard time winning her back.
I helped her through school and encouraged her to keep going, but I didn’t achieve much when it came to school. I feel like she judged me for that and it helped with her feeling of not being able to achieve the life she wanted. I molded myself to her life, which backfired, essentially. A quarter life crisis can last for a long time, from my understanding. If I make it through the NC stage, I’m not sure it will work due to her not being able to work on herself because of what I believe is her Quarter life crisis behavior. A sense of being somewhat wreckless, young, wild and free..and changing all the exterior things like her job, car and place of residence. She’s said enough to reinforce my belief that a crisis wasn’t the whole cause, but it was definitely a big part of it.
My name is Suzy, and I am going on day 4 of NC. I had one slip up today. I was driving and texting (which is bad, I know) and I sent “LOL” to my ex by accident. The text was meant for someone else. She replied almost immediately after with, “What’s so funny?” Before NC, she wouldn’t reply back for a while, even days. She’s been trying to contact me since I wrote the suggested “I understand” letter before initiating NC. Yesterday, she wrote me two different messages. One stating she wants to be close and wants matching tattoos. I didn’t respond. I didn’t have the urge to either. I didn’t have the urge to reply to her reply today, but I didn’t want to come off as a blatant asshole. I replied with, “Driving. It was meant for someone else.” She then replied with, “No texting and driving woman!”
I didn’t continue with our interaction. I put my phone down and blasted music instead. I was bothered by her last text. It seems happy and platonic. She’s said that to me since the breakup in person, and it was happy and friendly. Happy and platonic coming from her kills me. What if she isn’t missing me at all? Then I start doubting NC, and the outcome I’m hoping it will produce.
During NC, I’ve read several books that have helped me understand what happened, and how I contributed to the ending of the old relationship. I’m realizing things about myself that I know can be turned around. I’ve seen a therapist as well. He doesn’t see any real issues, but he suggested I have an adjustment disorder but he isn’t 100% sure because I’d have to keep going to therapy to figure that out. An adjustment disorder is pretty much the symptoms of depression we go through during a death or breakup. I was experiencing all of them at one point.
NC is supposed to be a time of self-discovery and bettering yourself, right? Well, what if during this time my ex isn’t working on herself? Wouldn’t NC be a waste of time? I know she has read The Secret, but The Secret won’t rid her of her issues. What if at the end of NC, she is still the same? Should I still work on things with her? If I am a better person, that’s able to handle the past relationship with a clearer mind and heart, would that be enough to spark her to change in order to have an amazing future together? Besides being concerned if NC will even work for her in the same way it will work for me, I am afraid to reach the 30 days.
She refused to give up her rebound to work on things with me shortly after the breakup. After about a month, she approached me about reconnecting, and having a future together. She then turned around and told me she couldn’t work on a future with me because she still has feelings for this other girl. Then she walked out the door. A couple days later, she suggested having kids together. She became angry when I said, “No..I am going to have children with who I am meant to be with long term.” I am so confused. Contact, no contact..and what if it’s all the same in the end?
I guess, even though I am not having strong urges to text or call her, I am still struggling with IS NC THE RIGHT THING TO DO..and WILL IT BE IN VAIN IF SHE WANTS TO RECONNECT BUT HASN’T CHANGED IN A WAY THAT WILL HELP ME CREATE A LOVING, PERMANENT, RELATIONSHIP. Feeling defeated, and I’m only going on day 4. Cried twice today. Mainly because I doubt I’ll get what I know can be a great thing, and because I’ve seen babies and and people getting married.
I don’t know if I’ve posted in this thread like I was supposed to. I tried. Sorry it’s so lengthy.
S
She is keeping herself busy with friends because she has to confront the problem if she doesnt stay busy and try to fill the emotional void that the breakup has caused. She is going through a tough time just as you are. It may not seem like that, but if it was that easy for her, she wouldn’t need to not think about you. If you maintain No Contact, she will be forced to think about you, and during this time you should improve certain areas of yourself that might have contributed to the breakup. Were you not able to compromise as needed? Did you let your appearance go? Were you jealous and insecure? During no contact, it’s really important you “soul search” because both people in a relationship cause a breakup. It’s not just one person that’s to blame. Well, it’s rare anyway. If you “soul search” it gives you clarity, and in the end you may feel as if there was something missing. And you will have to decide if there is or could be enough effort on both sides to create a long-lasting relationship. Even if she never comes back to you, you will end up a better person. You’ll discover things about yourself that will help you in future relationships. Good luck.
