-
Posts
-
We broke up a little over a week ago, and we are living together… Every time I talk to her I feel worse. I feel pained by the distance between us. Last night is the first night she was been home. I have been making the big mistakes, like bringing up the relationship when we see each other. Last night we hung out for like an hour and I didn’t bring it up. I just tried to seem happy and okay and like my normal self. I can’t take this break up, it is going to kill me. We were together for 6 years. She says she needs to find herself and her own identity aside from me. I have to find mine too. She seems miserable but is being so cold to me. How do I go about NC? It is hard to do because all I want to do is talk to her. I want to fix my relationship!! I guess right now I am really needing a friend…
“We were together for 6 years. She says she needs to find herself and her own identity aside from me. I have to find mine too. She seems miserable but is being so cold to me.”
My ex and I were together for 12yrs, and ultimately she said the same thing to me.
Here’s what I did. I stopped living with her. I initiated NC, and I have really thought about how I can improve myself and my life without her. It’s hard, and it’s a struggle everyday. I’m doing it, however, and yeah it’s for a shot to be with her again..but it’s also because I finally saw that some things she said were right. We were in a rough spot, we were both codependent and it started with issues that she was having with jealousy and trust. I really did lose my life outside of her. I gave up friends and family. If we went out it was with her friends, etc. I had no identity. I’m thankful for the breakup as hard and hurtful as it is. If I don’t get her back, I’m still going to be a happier person for it.
No contact is a time for you to be your best..and after a period of time, show her that you have created an identity all your own without her. Become happy, improve physically, emotionally and mentally. Hopefully, she will have done the same thing, but you really shouldn’t focus on her. At all!
For me, personally, I don’t think anything could’ve been fixed while in the relationship. We both would’ve fallen back into the same old pattern and cycle..and I never would’ve discovered aspects of myself that have helped hinder my relationship.
You still live with her, and that’s tough. I got out right away so I don’t have a clue how to handle that situation. I would suggest not arguing over the breakup. If she mentions it, just be cool about it. Keep conversations short, and if that’s not possible, keep them light.
Also, don’t become depressed and stop taking care of yourself around her. Make sure you shower, dress nicely, act confident..and all that good stuff. Get out of the house: go jogging. go read in a park. join an athletic team. start building your identity! The last thing you need is for her to feel as if you are pathetic right after the breakup.
I’m sure you’ll get more advice. Hang in there!
I am so, so sorry you live with your ex. My ex broke up with me about 6 weeks ago. We have been together for 14 years, lived together 11yrs. We were each other’s “one and onlys”.
He dumped me because he hasn’t been happy or a couple years now, felt trapped and can’t forgive me for certain betrayals (though I never cheated).
We co-own a home. We live together. It has been rather hellish.
I have a thread going on elsewhere you should look at.
I have failed horribly at no contact, as you will read. He has been the chaser. We actually laid in bed and watched a movie tonight (again), but a week or so ago, we were doing much more than that.
My advice is to take everything so very slow. We rushed into a “relationship” again, without calling it as such, and he freaked out again, pushing is back to square one a few days ago.
No contact simply wouldn’t work with us, but since our last bad day, I have kept at a distance. We have cuddled, laid in bed etc, but all on his terms since. I’m not pushing anything.
That being said, work on yourself! I started to exercise like crazy. It shows and he notices for sure. Act as happy as you can possibly be, even if it is 100% fake.
I have faked it until I made it, and it has been working for me. If you wish to cry, don’t let your ex see it! Be as non-chalant about everything as possible. When you talk, keep it upbeat and there should be absolutely no reminders of the relationship you had and why it ended. No breakup talk.
Your ex will test you, take a jab here and there, or say just the right questions or make the most painful comments to try and get a reaction. Just let it roll off your back.
Again, it is pure hell.
If there is still a genuine bond though, there will be hints of a chance. I see them daily.
You can take a trip. I have arranged a 3.5 week long solo road trip mid Oct-mid Nov, which I will consider NC. He has no clue yet that I’ll be gone that long. Until then, he will see me happy, healthy, funny and have a good time with me. I hope the drastic changes he will see in me/us, plus the sudden separation/being alone, will be just what is needed, though I’ll never know until I return from the trip.
Hope some of this helps. Check out everything I am going through. Best of luck.Thank you!
I have read over yours in threads, and our scenarios sound quite similar. The neediness, insecurity, jealousy and lashing out are a very familiar toxic environment. The way you and her interacted and dealt with issues sound just like us. My ex just lacks the physical rebound (though I’d say his new BFF fills the emotional void).
You hang in there too! I see more hope in your situation than most. Who knows, you may very well decide it isn’t even a relationship worth walking back to, in the end, but I think you have a decent chance at being able to make that decision, down the road.
Tasha
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.