SuzyL

Just an after thought.. some people get scared. They’re so afraid that no matter what you say won’t change their outlook. That’s why you have to SHOW them. Many people succumb to fear, and that’s why it’s so hard. Show her.

He obviously still cares about you, and there could be lingering feelings toward you. However, from what you posted..I don’t see how he stated what you were trying to say anyway. Clarify?

I think you need to not be on the phone with him. Write him a message or a hand written letter. Express how you really feel without the pressure of him being present .. in person or on the phone.

Him going to college is a big transition. It takes a really strong bond and connection to maintain a romantic relationship through this type of transition. It’s possible, but just difficult. I’d say if you are already in a rough spot, and he is going to college, then take a break from him. Initiate NC.

If he is 50/50 with you, then this increases the possibility that things will only get worse between the two of you unless you both take a step back and realize that both people contribute to problems in the relationship. Whether knowing it or not.

I am concerned about this statement: I did my best in the last month to make things work by buying him healthy food, trying to be supportive and apologizing to his best friend.

It is not up to you to fix him. That’s what you need to realize. IT IS NOT UP TO YOU! Being supportive is great, but he is his own person and needs to work on himself. What promises didn’t you keep?

At your age, I’d suggest understanding what codependency is and how to avoid it. Once it starts, it’s tough to break away from. If he has issues, and you’re trying to fix them for him or force him to change..or even changing how you are and what your life consists of to make him feel better about his issues or even try to alleviate them that way.. then I fear you are going down this road. That’s why NC is so amazing. It allows you to break away from the cycle that you’re in. You get to really focus on yourself and realize what is truly best for you. It’s tough, but it’s necessary. You have more time to do what you love, to develop and maintain your own identity, and you grow as a person. In the end, NC gives you a clearer view as to what is the best route to take. You may want him now, but later you may not want him. You may see where you could do better, but even more important..you may learn that with some partners (because of their issues) you’ll never be able to do enough. That’s where you have to buck up and seek a better future for yourself.

You’re young. It’s the best time to learn what healthy relationships consist of. It’s the best time to learn how to maintain healthy relationships. I wish I would’ve had the opportunity to learn about what I know now before I began a 12yr relationship with my ex. We met when we were 15 and 16 and broke up a few months ago. It’s tough. Hang in there. It gets better.

I don’t think it’s too bad to let him know that you feel that you aren’t ready to meet up with him. That you need your space, etc.

I think I messed up. I wrote her a longer message and explained so much. I apologized for all my past “mess ups” and why I feel that I need to separate myself from her. I did bring up a bit of the past, but made it clear it wasn’t to fight or argue..or even accuse, but to process it in a way she will understand. At this piont, I don’t mind breaking NC. I was on like day 9 or something. (I lost track).. because she had been sending me texts and calling like crazy..and with every text her lack of remorse was so apparent. She really doesn’t realize what she’s done. There is no clue as to the severity of her actions, and she needed to know that it’s just simply not right and to expect me to let things “smooth over quickly” is an indicator that she has no remorse. I was polite and loving, but not needy sounding. I sounded very solid emotionally, confident..and optimistic about my future. I didn’t say bye forever, but I said that I need my space indefinitely. I am at the point where I am letting go. Of it all. I am not going to hold resentment. No more hurting. I am simply going to live my life to the fullest, and let things be as they may. If she isn’t showing remorse or even has a clue as to how bad she fucked up, then why should I try to get her back? I will begin NC again, but not for the sole purpose of getting her back. It is because I really want to heal, and begin a new journey. If she happens to come back on her knees and shows real remorse, then (depending on if Im completely over it) I will decide what the next step will be from there. Honestly, I am exhausted. I’m exhausted of thinking about it. I’m tired of reading into the things she sends me. I want happiness, and I haven’t had it in so long. Doesn’t matter who is at fault. The only thing that matters is that I am on a path to better days, and I don’t need an anchor. I love this woman so fucking much, I’d take a bullet for her in a heartbeat. But then I think, would she take a bullet for me?? Time will tell, but I won’t sit and wait for it!

Even when she says, “I love you” in person..it’s with a deep loving stare. In the beginning she would say it like she used to, but then would say, “But there’s a disconnect. I feel differently about you and us. I love you..and always will. I’m just not in love with you.”

As far as the insecurity thing goes.. this rebound fed her ego. She made her feel good, and they connected in a way that made my ex feel good. That’s all it took. It’s sad she is that weak, but hey.. we are all built differently and handle things differently.

She said she wanted to maintain space between us because she wanted to work on herself for at least a year. She wants to know who she is without me. Then, she turned around and began a “relationship” with the rebound. I called her out on it, and eventually she did say that a relationship is the last thing she wants. So, she slowed down her interaction with the rebound. But she’s said a lot of things..and she’s so confused and messed up that I can’t believe much of anything she says.

I tried to be super understanding and even made excuses for everything she did and the lies she fed me, but now it comes down to THERE ARE NO EXCUSES.

Time will tell if she can give clear and logical reasons. If not, then to hell with her. That’s not anger talking. That’s just me realizing I deserve better than what she’s given me the last 6 months.

“Even though no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending.”

Best quote…ever.

And I’m in the same exact boat!
Was with my ex for 12yrs. My ex said the same things and did the exact same things… Same quarter life/midlife crisis behavior. Her partying..being irresponsible..hanging out a lot without me. never coming home when expected; becoming more and more distant every day. She hated her job, she hated she didn’t have kids or a marriage yet, etc. then she went to jumping right into bed with a rebound. etc. NC is the way to go. Seriously. You will learn a lot about yourself if you take the initiative..and maybe in the end, you’ll find out that maybe what you think you need now, is not what you want for your future. You’ll feel amazing at the change you’ll begin to go through, and you’ll have so much more confidence and pride just knowing you can stand on your own two feet.

Good luck! 🙂

I’ll be on tomorrow looking for your reply. 🙂

I do have to make a correction though. I was looking at my ex’s texts again..and I was severely pissed off after thinking about them in depth. She has no remorse or sense of wrong doing at all. Pisses me off! Hopefully, eventually, she will.