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LA
my relationship was in a tough stage and i knew it was going to get even tougher with work and college, i thought about initiated a break for us both to get our personal lives together so when she asked for the break i was fine, i honestly expected it. When she told me to move on and that i deserved better, i did nothing wrong and she was incredibly happy to afew days later she didn’t love me, she wasn’t happy so she chose to leave me so shes not holding herself back from finding it. Thats what fucked with my head. In other words times got hard outside of our relationship so a break wouldve been fine. But it seems she just all of a sudden gave up. Then of course i was needy when she said the hurtful things so i think my story is a lost cause at this point. Only be 11 days but my gut feeling is too much damage to repair
Hey you guys,
So I have like a minor emotional breakdown today. I am thinking about the time when I told him, at the beginning of our break up, that I will wait for him no matter what. Do you really think he still believes that? Even when he knows now that I found out about this other person ( he got quite furious to the person who revealed that to me)? Since then I haven’t contacted him at all. I hate the fact that he might think of me as a safety net or a sure thing. I mean having said that to him makes me want HIM to initiate contact.
What do you think?
Natty,
We are in the same situation where my ex also deleted/blocked me in social media and contact. It is really tough but on the other side it is quite okay so you wouldnt see anything that is happenning with your ex that could even hurt you. As the time goes by you need to be strong for yourself and if you want to get him back.Mhyy,
Whoa. That is really long since the break up. If you dont mind me asking, what happened during that time? Didnt you see someone else? Is the communication between you and your ex is still open?Julia,
I’m sorry that you have a hard time. To be honest, we really can’t tell what he’s thinking. But I understand how you feel as I made the same mistake too and I regret it a lot. So what you can do now is to focus on yourself and keep your attitude that you are not a safety net to him. If you can truly hold that attitude and become a more confident person, next time when you see him / he contacts you, he will sense it.
Athens,
If you are interested in my story, you can read here:
is this a rebound relationship?., and do i have a chance to get her back?
Long story short, he broke up with me after 7 and a half years, saying he has to deal with some personal issues and I was so foolish to believe that he will come back after he deal with them. After that, he was seeing others while telling me he still loves me. He even told me he will get back with me after he let go of his ex (the girl he’s seeing after he broke up with me, and probably the person he fell in love with when he’s still with me). So i wait for him for another year and even develop like friends-with-benefit relationship. (I regret this part the most). I didn’t see anyone during this period, as my heart was totally with him…
About a month ago, he told me he’s seeing someone else again. I FINALLY wake up this time and realize that I really need to move on. To be honest, I am still not sure if I wanna get back with him, I do the NC all for my own good. I can’t be someone’s doormat anymore. I want a proper and good relationship.
The communication between me and my ex is still open. We keep talking and chatting before my NC. But after the NC, I realize that I am the one who used to initiate the contact and it takes him 38 days after my NC to contact me, and all of a sudden saying things like I should show him more that I wanna get back with him…really funny…
Mhyy,
Whoa! I admire you for being that strong and the love you have for your ex. Yeah i feel you should keep doing NC and show him that he’s not in control in the relationship and with you. And he just cant keep coming back and go whenever he wants to. I know it is not easy for you but i wish you well and happy life.Hi guys,
Monday 1st of September and I see it as a resolution. I have decided to move on as well.It is too painful for me to hope or follow a ‘plan’ just to make someone change his mind. I can’t handle it anymore. I am angry but mostly so disappointed by the fact he has moved on that quickly. And even though I don’t know the details, he still chose to be with someone. I don’t care if it’s a rebound relationship or he is trying to fill a void or whatever. To me this is a proof he is trying to move on and forget about me. So I might as well do the same.
You guys are wonderful and thank you for the support! I will still visit the website and try to offer any support and consolation.Thank you so much!
Julia,
Keep strong girl. I’ve been thinking about the same thing as well but who knows right? Time can only really tell what will happen and we just want the best. Your thoughts and comments really is helpful 🙂Anyway, I just want to take this off my chest. Tomorrow I’ll be going to a job interview it is near to the workplace of my ex and I’m really anxious about the quite big possibility of bumping into her (and i’m really hoping i wouldn’t) i know i am not yet ready to come face to face with her because i dont know how to play it cool when i know i couldn’t. Im just really hoping I wouldnt cross paths with her. Gosh, seeing her makes me more anxious than having my job interview. 🙁
So. I am technically on day 9. My ex contacted me via Facebook to ask if she could get the smaller couch and the record holder. I told her about a month back that she could have one of the couches and the record holder. The record holder was hers anyway. I replied to her, “I have decided to keep the couch. I will let you know when it will be a good time to get the record holder.” She replied, “haha Really!? Just keep it all.”
I feel like she believes I am doing it out of spite. So, I wrote her a message:
“I’m not mad. I have done a lot of personal discovery and experienced a lot of growth just in the past week or so. I hope that you take the time to really discover things about yourself. It’s a beautiful thing. With that being said, I need to continue having space from you and what was. It is important for me to have this time for myself. I will contact you when I am ready to speak. You have a pleasant day. Good luck with everything.”
I’m not sure if this breaks NC or not, but I feel like it had to be done.
Day 1 NC, …maybe?? lol Any thoughts about this? Did I mess up bad or no?
Dear SuzyL,
No I personally do not believe you messed up at all. You did indeed do the right thing in the most honest and logical way possible. She simply asked for what she felt entitled to and you did not prevent her in any way from getting what she wanted while also letting your current feelings be known. Had you not responded, it would have seemed to her that you had ignored her out of spite to keep those objects. Also, had you responded only about the objects, she clearly would’ve began to see you from a negative light thus lessening your chances of getting back together. She clearly has to learn to let go of her negative feelings for you as well. Good job on keeping your cool and staying smart!Aside from your admirable behavior and to all other users, I have been apprehensively going about NC. Today is Day 2 and I just remembered that on the day my boyfriend dumped me, he asked that we continue on together as friends and wished to still see me on our routined Saturdays. Had I not found this website straight away, I would not have agreed to say “Sure. Maybe this weekend or Friday”, to which he also agreed. I clearly am not ready to see him again and do not wish to break the NC rule. How do I get out of this without breaking NC? (Romantically, I thought that by choosing to begin NC immediately on August 31st the last day would perfectly coincide with me contacting him again on what would have been our one year anniversary.)
I don’t think it’s too bad to let him know that you feel that you aren’t ready to meet up with him. That you need your space, etc.
I think I messed up. I wrote her a longer message and explained so much. I apologized for all my past “mess ups” and why I feel that I need to separate myself from her. I did bring up a bit of the past, but made it clear it wasn’t to fight or argue..or even accuse, but to process it in a way she will understand. At this piont, I don’t mind breaking NC. I was on like day 9 or something. (I lost track).. because she had been sending me texts and calling like crazy..and with every text her lack of remorse was so apparent. She really doesn’t realize what she’s done. There is no clue as to the severity of her actions, and she needed to know that it’s just simply not right and to expect me to let things “smooth over quickly” is an indicator that she has no remorse. I was polite and loving, but not needy sounding. I sounded very solid emotionally, confident..and optimistic about my future. I didn’t say bye forever, but I said that I need my space indefinitely. I am at the point where I am letting go. Of it all. I am not going to hold resentment. No more hurting. I am simply going to live my life to the fullest, and let things be as they may. If she isn’t showing remorse or even has a clue as to how bad she fucked up, then why should I try to get her back? I will begin NC again, but not for the sole purpose of getting her back. It is because I really want to heal, and begin a new journey. If she happens to come back on her knees and shows real remorse, then (depending on if Im completely over it) I will decide what the next step will be from there. Honestly, I am exhausted. I’m exhausted of thinking about it. I’m tired of reading into the things she sends me. I want happiness, and I haven’t had it in so long. Doesn’t matter who is at fault. The only thing that matters is that I am on a path to better days, and I don’t need an anchor. I love this woman so fucking much, I’d take a bullet for her in a heartbeat. But then I think, would she take a bullet for me?? Time will tell, but I won’t sit and wait for it!
PS. I don’t think I messed up.*** In my heart, it’s what I felt would alleviate the tremendous anxiety I have been feeling for three days. And now that it’s done, I feel better. No regrets. Now I just need to block her on everything. I can’t have her messing with my emotions because she “needs me in her life somehow”. Screw that.
I’m happy for you, SuzyL. It sounds like NC has really begun to work for you. Yes you right about her not showing remorse and it being unfair to your initial devout love. Because of this I also have to ask your opinion on what and how to let him know I do not wish to see or contact him at all for a while granted the circumstances.
First 10 months of the relationship he was the one to ask me out, crushing on me for two years prior as we were just friends and was madly in love with me. I was completely insecure and immature during the relationship always getting angry, picking fights, at times also showing no remorse by threatening to leave him. After those 10 months, he said that our fights have gotten old, I’m not the same fun, funny, cool girl he fell in love with; that girl only exists with her friends (why he prefers to be friends), and made us take a week long break pretending to be friends. I showed my vulnerability by still contacting him constantly. This angered him to the point that I would fear him leaving me. I left him alone all day for the first time and he admitted that night he was tempted to visit me at home. This made me feel safe enough to contact him again. I ended up waking him early on his first day off in ages from school and got an earful about my inconsideration. My fear got the best of me and I told him I would cut myself off from him for the rest of the break and it worked. After four days he came to my house without notice but told me that he had decided to leave me feeling he needed to really be single and fix himself figuring that we always will have a chance of getting back together. He contradicted himself clearly wanting the positives from our relationship when he first tried to friendzone me, being friends that still made out with each other, could make out with others, but could not date other people or have sex with anyone even each other. I called him out on this and insisted that we stay together if he wants those things anyway.
That was what this last painful month was about: him still wanting my positives, loathing my negatives, both he and I trying to suppress all my negatives, him trying to rebuild his lifestyle. I thought of the circumstances we put on our relationship. We only saw each other once a week so he could have all the time to fix himself. He got his best friend back but lost connection with most of his friends to the point that most of them no longer knew how to bond with him. He did not lose any weight and we only had 1 lovely day together, 2 nice/okay days, and 2 horrific failures in the 5 days we saw each other. Now we’re here with his 50% love for me and 50% resentment towards me. He broke up with me finally in the middle of a fight about me not being able to keep my promises that he demanded I kept. I did my best in the last month to make things work by buying him healthy food, trying to be supportive and apologizing to his best friend.
I do believe that this break up can have us start over on a new leaf in the future as things change for us. I am 17 and about to begin my senior year at our high school and he has begun his freshman year of college at 18 whose campus is in my neighborhood. Ultimately he wants me in his life forever no matter how much wrong he and I have done each other because he will always love me and hopes that we can make more memories together as we enter adulthood.
Him going to college is a big transition. It takes a really strong bond and connection to maintain a romantic relationship through this type of transition. It’s possible, but just difficult. I’d say if you are already in a rough spot, and he is going to college, then take a break from him. Initiate NC.
If he is 50/50 with you, then this increases the possibility that things will only get worse between the two of you unless you both take a step back and realize that both people contribute to problems in the relationship. Whether knowing it or not.
I am concerned about this statement: I did my best in the last month to make things work by buying him healthy food, trying to be supportive and apologizing to his best friend.
It is not up to you to fix him. That’s what you need to realize. IT IS NOT UP TO YOU! Being supportive is great, but he is his own person and needs to work on himself. What promises didn’t you keep?
At your age, I’d suggest understanding what codependency is and how to avoid it. Once it starts, it’s tough to break away from. If he has issues, and you’re trying to fix them for him or force him to change..or even changing how you are and what your life consists of to make him feel better about his issues or even try to alleviate them that way.. then I fear you are going down this road. That’s why NC is so amazing. It allows you to break away from the cycle that you’re in. You get to really focus on yourself and realize what is truly best for you. It’s tough, but it’s necessary. You have more time to do what you love, to develop and maintain your own identity, and you grow as a person. In the end, NC gives you a clearer view as to what is the best route to take. You may want him now, but later you may not want him. You may see where you could do better, but even more important..you may learn that with some partners (because of their issues) you’ll never be able to do enough. That’s where you have to buck up and seek a better future for yourself.
You’re young. It’s the best time to learn what healthy relationships consist of. It’s the best time to learn how to maintain healthy relationships. I wish I would’ve had the opportunity to learn about what I know now before I began a 12yr relationship with my ex. We met when we were 15 and 16 and broke up a few months ago. It’s tough. Hang in there. It gets better.
As far as letting him know. Just tell him you need space to deal with/process everything that’s been going on. Don’t sound needy, or bitchy, or stand-offish. Let him know how you feel without any great detail and then let him know you will be the one to contact him when you feel ready.
I’m not too much of a wordsmith. lol
Stay strong. It will be hard, but you can do it!
Julia
I’m right where you are. Maybe we should do this together. I feel that I should start the moving on, even though it’s veryyyy scary for me, but I’m so completely hopeless and weak. That’s what happens when someone you’ve been with for ten tears,leave you while you’re engaged and avoid you completely for 50 days.i kept all the doors open for him,( I’m mean from my family and our friends and everything)but he hasn’t contacted me once. He even didn’t ask about me. He’s trying to change his lifestyle and I believe he has succided. It’s not that he doesn’t wanna be with me, it’s that he thinks it’s the right choise for both of us and apparently nothing can change his mind. Out of sight out of mind, that’s what he thought I think. What should we do to move on Julia? How do we should kill the hope?
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