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Val,
Although my situation ended up with what I was originally seeking… my situation is far from what I want. Yes, she came back and Yes, she says she loves me and Yes, she wants to be with me. However, I am now completely unsure if I want the sane.
As much as I missed her and as much as I would have done anything to get her back (including hurting myself). It took time and the advise of others to realize that what I wanted and loved wasnt really her…. It was the idea and image of what I wanted of her and from her. She was part of that image so my brain confuses it with wanting and loving her. She turned me into a doormat and ran all over me.. even now that we are talking again.. I can still see it in her behavior and conversations.. subconsciously she is still trying to work her way to the upper hand and turn me back into the doormat. I don’t think shes doing it on purpose… I think its just who she is subconsciously. Trust me.. I am being very strong and remaining strong within myself and giving myself the respect I deserve and she reacts to it.. I see her noticing the change in me and how I wont become that doormat.. Sometime she thinks its just me being an asshole. in reality, I’m just giving myself the respect.
Honestly, in my opinion… getting the ex back is first about NC… 100% pure NC. No contact, no seeing them, no running into them, no facebook, no instagram, no magic letter (sorry kevin).. NO NOTHING!!! To them you are dead.. They cant find you even if they tried to look!!
Second, you have to get over them.. Know that you can live on without them. Make yourself number 1!!! Better your life… date others… move on and be happy in your new life.. I’m not sure why or how but somehow the universe seems to just work that way. For some reason just when you get over someone and are feeling great… That person somehow seems to find their way back into your life.. I know that’s not the case with everyone… but you’d be surprised how often it does happen..
NC should not have a time frame.. it should just be NC and you move on!! thats it.. if that person comes back then they come back.. You need to move on regardless… if and when they come back… then you make the decision if you want them back or not.
BREAKING NC, BREAKS ALL CHANCES…. (REAL NC, not pretend NC)
Dara, A.Z., Daniel, Mordicai, Sunshinegirl, ALL,
Whats up!!! I hope you all are doing well.. A.Z. I hope your feeling great. I’d love to hear an update from you guys.. Do you have instagrams/facebooks or whatever. I thought I remembered A.Z and Dara saying something about facebook. I wanna see a pic of you guys! lol!!
My writings above (to val) somewhat include an update about my situation.. I’d love to hear your thoughts..
Dara,
One thing you and I would always agree about was that we really missed Sex with our exes.. Well I finally got it. and man!!! something about that girl… she might be crazy but she can really make me happy in that department.. I know why I was missing it so much… But I am holding back much more than I would have in the past.. I really dont want our situation to be based on sex again..
JOE
Loreley,
Don’t give up so soon my dear!! 16 days is nothing.. and I know exactly how you feel. Trust me, there are forums full of people suffering just like you with similar stories. Our bodies are all made up of the same stuff. The feelings your experiencing are nothing more than chemicals in your brain making you feel certain ways… And we’ve all either been there or are currently there.
Stay focused on NC, focus on yourself, focus on your personal goals and most importantly, figure out that you really don’t need him in your life. Like how you feel on those good days you mentioned; figure out what makes you feel better on those days. once you figure that out, then figure how to feel that way all the time.
My rule is absolute and complete NC for 3 Months….. Bet you hear from him much sooner than that. Know how to respond if you do!
Where are you from? How old are you?
Check out my story somewhere on this website… its interesting.
Joe
Everyone,
Ok so she back in my life… Everyday she tells me she loves me and wants to marry me. I’ve been playing hard to get and really haven’t been giving in to her. I dont wanna fall into being that doormat again..
So for now I’m taking things super slow…I’ve even been refraining from having sex with her… Although, I’ve failed at that a few times already..
Anyway, I’ll post more updates soon.. I’ll also welcome any comments or questions.
It took 4 months of absolute NC and she came back with “I love you so much, I can’t live without you, I wanna marry you!!”
Whena,
I think its your ex pretending to be someone else and just trying to make contact with you….
Ignore everything that has to do with him…if someone emails you or anything having to do with him… JUST DELETE IT!! Don’t respond don’t and acknowledge it..
From what I remember, he was very bad for you…. and you don’t need him.. I know its hard but don’t worry the right guy will come along..
Ignore everything that has to do with him… Someone new will come!!
Joe
All,
I have to keep this brief… I’ll go into more detail later…
She showed up at my house yesterday unexpected (I had another girl there at the time… tell you more about that later). Pretty much telling me that she loves me and that we should try to give it another chance.
I CANT FUCKING BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENING!!!!
Don’t know if I want her anyone… She’s still on the crazy side!!
Joe
A.Z, Dara, Daniel, Mordicai, All!!
Yesterday, starting at 9 pm I began receiving non-stop private calls on my cell from the ex…. I posted a few weeks ago that these calls have been coming in; however they haven’t been consistent. calls every few days and then nothing for like 2 weeks. Last night however was different; call after call after call. She even started calling my work cell phone; which confirmed 100% that it was her. I’ve never given that number out to anyone besides her.
Anyway, I don’t know what to do. I haven’t answer any of the calls. My point is “if you want to reach out and talk to me, then do it. Don’t play games and call private and not leave a message.” Regardless… I don’t wanna talk to her. I still feel weak and I know I’ll fall right back into it with her….AND BECOMING THE DOORMAT!!
Ohhhhhh…..part of my wants to talk to her and see her so so bad!!!
What do you guys think!!!
Joe
DARA, Daniel, RAED, ALL,
WHAT’S UP!!! I love that “50 ways to say bye” video (thanks dara). I hope everyone has been doing well. I see this forum has been really active lately.
There’s been so many things learned in my experience through this break up, here are some of my keys:
*Your brain wants to only remember the good of every relationship and will conveniently forget the bad. Ultimately creating a false image of the relationship in your head. “Not seeing the full picture and only what you want to see”
*After the relationship, your body/mind want to recover as quick as possible. One of the first things it tries to recover is self confidence (especially with men). So getting numbers and flirting is completely normal. This also includes hooking up with people. However, its not fulfilling and will never be. BUT AGAIN, NORMAL!!
* Learning how to be alone and working on yourself is the best things to do in this situation. Don’t force a relationship (ITS TOUGH…I KNOW!!!) but the right person will come on their own. Once you’ve got yourself in the right place and in the right mind frame that person will magically appear.. If they haven’t yet, then you’re not there yet..
*Take things very slow in your new relationships, if you see signs of something you don’t agree with or nessaraily don’t like… LEAVE!! RUN!! BREAK IT OFF ASAP!! People don’t change, and your only subjecting yourself to future pain and trouble. I repeat, PEOPLE DON”T CHANGE…
There’s probably an endless amount of things one can learn from a bad breakup, those are just a few of what I learned. My story is all over this website, its pretty interesting if you get a chance to read it (similar to DARA’s). Even my high and mighty ex after 3 months of NC has started making calls to me… Nothing that shes owned up to, all have been private and no talking… just listening to my voice say “hello”. Kinda feels good knowing that shes the one who ended up contacting me. Most importantly, I don’t want her back!! Don’t get me wrong, I still think and miss her; but I don’t want her. She’s a no good bitch that will just repeat everything all over again. I deserve better and will find better..
WHENA,
Your messages refer to recent communication between you and your ex. I don’t recommend it, but it sounds like you can easily get him back. I WOULDN’T!!! Because he sounds like a douche and the pattern will repeat… BUT if you want him back, do strict NC for at least 1-2 months and you’ll find him running back.. WHY?? #1 your a girl and if you read these posts and just have a general understanding of this whole thing its WAY easier for women to get their exes back. #2 He keeps communicating with you, he obviously still wants you a part of his life. Cut off COMPLETE contact and you’ll see HUGE changes…
p.s. NO CAPS and proof read your messages…
JOE!
A.Z.,
How long have you guys (the new guy) been dating? Seems really fresh to be taking a trip to Germany, Did you already have a passport? lol …. Either way..you GO GIRL!!
Joe
Hello ALL (Dara, Mordicai, AZ, Sunshine and others) and welcome Otherone,
WOW!! Its been a little while since I’ve posted on here. Its not that I don’t have much to update (cause I Do!!), I’ve just been super busy with work and life that I haven’t had a chance to write anything. However, I have been reading the oldies posts and a few other threads….. I’m hoping that everyone is doing well.
Lately, like others have realized, I’ve also been avoiding posting on here cause it is a bit of a downer and a reminder of all the crap we’ve gone thru and the crap that others (like us) are just starting to feel. Regardless, this is a great place for support and knowledge.
Here’s the updates:
I am currently a little north of 2-1/2 months of NC. Things have been going very well with me. I’ve made tons of progress; of course, I still think about her and wonder what she’s doing from time to time. However, its not nearly as much as it was before. I worry about my day to day and my goals first; thoughts of her come merely as an afterthought, a quick thought that just goes away.
As I’ve mentioned before, I have come to the conclusion that my ex is not a good person and is not good for me. I was so deep in the relationship (doormat) that I overlooked all the negative and just wanted her so bad that I didn’t care about anything else. Regardless of how I felt, it was her that would never change…. Even now, A part of me wants her so bad.. but the things I want are an illusion of the relationship and not a real image of what the relationship really was… YOUR BRAIN MAKES YOU THINK OF THE GOOD AND IT WANTS TO FORGET THE BAD. That’s why the activity of noting down the negative/bad things works so well (keeps it fresh on your mind).
I’m still a number getting maniac… I notice girls left and right; I’ve gotten so many numbers lately that its impossible to keep up. Just like Dara said in an earlier post; I get numbers and most of the time I don’t even call them or follow up. It was almost like I wanted to know I could get the number. My therapist said it was normal and just a self defense mechanism to get our self esteem/confidence back. I did meet a cute lady a few weeks ago and I did go back to her place after the bar and well…… that takes care of knocking that task out.
When I heard that time heals; not only did I not believe it, I also didn’t want it to happen (didn’t want her to forget about me)…. But its the best thing and it’s inevitable to happen.
I’ve still been seeing the therapist that I started going to… I’ve actually hung out with my therapist on a few occasions after my session (drinks and dinner). NO NO NO… Nothing happened, it was simply a friendly hangout…. she is way cool, and I’ve learned so much from her…
OK HERE”S THE JUICY UPDATE: (MORDICAI, if you’re still out there, you’re going to want to read this… Your a Genius bro!!)
So…. as I mentioned, I am currently going on a little more than 2-1/2 months of NC. I haven’t heard anything from her during this time period. 2 weeks ago, I started receiving incoming calls from a private/unknown number. A total of 5 calls came in that week and I didn’t answer any. Of course the calls got my mind wondering about who it could be, but I didn’t answer any and each time no voice mail was left. Last Saturday (10/04), I got two calls in a row again from a private number. This time I answered the second call…”Hello, Hello” I answered…. No one answered but someone was listening. After my second “Hello.” I hung up…..
After that last call, I was really really curious as to who was calling and if there could be any chance that it was her..
Having some tech savvy friends, I remembered hearing about this app that unblocks private calls when they call you.. SO.. I went online and purchased this app.
For the next week, I didn’t receive any private/weird calls of any sort. That was until this last Friday… I had a therapist session and we had agreed to grab dinner after. So here I am at dinner with my therapist sharing a bottle of wine. Now at this point I had already shared the fact about the incoming calls with my therapist. Her thoughts on the matter were the same as mine…. Its was most likely her making the calls.
Anyway, here I am having dinner (Firday,Around 10 pm) with my therapist and my phone starts to ring….. Private call!! My therapist says, “Don’t answer it!!” Having already known about the app I purchased, I asked her if it was ok to activate the app and unblock the number. She said it was ok but again warned against answering. So, I activated the app and it unblocked the number.
It was her!! The number was from her area (I know nobody from there, besides her) and it was almost identical as her old number. (if you remember my story, she changed her number when we broke up). I was SUPER SHOCKED…. I had a feeling it could have been her.. but I wasn’t sure. (MORDICAI YOU CALLED IT!!)Anyway, three calls came-in in a row that night (from that same number, private first and unblocked by the app). I didn’t answer any!! The next day was quite, no calls from private or that number.
Sunday, (yesterday) I received two call from that same number (8:30 am and 12 pm); both came in blocked and were then unblocked by the app.. I didn’t answer either one.
So far today has been quite… no suspicious calls or anything.
Although, I feel somewhat good that she is sort of reaching out to me; this situation has completely brought her back in my thoughts. I find myself thinking more about her. Not as much as in the beginning; but much more than I have been lately.
My therapist says its just the beginning…. She believes that this is just her first attempts at reaching me.. and when this doesn’t work, She (my therapist) believes that she(ex GF) will step it up in attempting to reach out to me.. She says, don’t be surprised if she shows up somewhere out of the blue or something else.
So now… its in the back of my mind that I may just run into her somewhere.
I say this to you guys and I said it to my therapist… I AM NOT READY TO SEE HER!! I am too weak. I will break if I see her, I’ll fall right back into whatever it is she’ll say and I’ll be that doormat again.
I said earlier… “I know she is not good for me and that the relationship was not good”… but no matter how much I know it to be true, I know that I’m super weak for her!!
Not only that… the really sad part is… Here I am assuming that she is wanting a relationship again… She could just be reaching out just out of curiosity and nothing more… 🙁
I will continue working on myself and ignoring whatever calls do come in. If I see her… I’ll just run!! (I think I would at least).
I am so sorry to ramble so much on this post!! I thought it was some interesting stuff!! I’d love to hear your guys’ thoughts!!! I’ll keep you guys posted if anything else comes up.
Otherone,
I’ll read your post later today and post my comments. If you haven’t read my previous posts on this thread; I suggest reading them, as it will make this story a lot more interesting!
Thanks,
Joe
Hey Guys,
Its been a while for me.. been mostly busy and keeping my head up high. I think about my ex a lot less these past few days. I saw the therapist for the second time (last Wednesday); it was another good session.
Dara,
The personality disorder my ex suffers from is “Borderline personality” and she’s “Bi-polar”. Narcissistic traits are found in the Borderline personality disorder. Anyway, from the advise I was given I started writing down 3 negative things about her every time I found myself thinking about her. Its helped a lot and makes me think about why I would want those things again.
Saoirse (like the name change),
You are fine!! I want you to reread Kevin’s plan… I don’t know your story in full detail; but it seems you were doing so well and following the plan. Now, it seems that your putting out that needy vibe out agian.. I’d love to hear more about your situation (maybe send a link to your thread).
Also on that note, I think we should do a conference call; I’d love to put some voices to the names/personalities on here.
I’m in Socal, so evenings for me might be late for most of you. How does a conference call at approx 6 or 7PM my time (PST). I can set it up with an 800 number with a passcode.
Who’s in?? If so, give me a preferred date and I’ll get it done..
Joe
We should all do a big conference call!! lol! like a party line number! It would be nice to put a voice with everyones name..haha. I can actually setup a conference call with a pin number for access if anyone is actually interested.. (we’d have to pick a time that works for most) crazy idea I know but could be lots of fun!
Dara,
She doing all of it out of spite.. Here’s an idea that might not be the most convenient move but may work… can you start going to another gym? where she wont go and she’ll start to wonder where the heck you are.
Joe
Thanks David!!
My situation is a bit complicated.. As are others on this site..
To answer your question..
I don’t think I’ll ever contact her again! I want her to want me.. if not.. then like you said, “whats the point”
I want her out of my mind.. But to touch on something Dara said (which i think plays a huge part in my mind… is Sex) I miss sex with her big time!! she was the best I’ve ever had and I think she felt the same about me.. Its sad that what I miss the most is only sex..
Hey all!!
I was doing so well most of last week and it all went down the drain this past weekend. Being a long weekend, I started thinking about what she could be doing and /or who she could be doing.. I miss her so so bad..
I’m sure that if I don’t contact her.. then I’ll never hear from her again. Its weird how I felt so positive after my therapist appt and now I feel like breaking NC and running back to her.
I feel like we were so comfortable and perfect for each other! We liked to same things and did everything together! I really wanted to marry her!! But the sad truth is, she wasn’t the marrying type. She never wanted to get married. She said, “being in a relationship/marriage is never truly being yourself! I was going thru our old texts messages from our last conversations and I read where she stated that. I never thought much about it till now..
I actually am going to see the therapist again today.. hopefully she can help me snap out of this.. Or else…. I’m not sure if I can keep up this NC!
Just in case you wanted to know.. today is day 43 of NC.
WTF!!! Why can’t I shake this disease
Joe
