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A week is not long enough. If you are going to do it this way, at least go a few months. You cannot control this or reason your way out of it. It would be best to just concentrate on yourself and not worry about what she is doing and who she is with.
Depression and anxiety are symptoms, not causes. They are often part of a much more complex personality disorder or mental issue. Of the list criteria points below, do you feel she meets at least 5 out of 9 of them?
1) frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment.
(2) a pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation
(3) identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self image or sense of self
(4) impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating).
(5) recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior
(6) affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days)
(7) chronic feelings of emptiness
(8) inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights)
(9) transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms
I believe you saw pure passion in his eyes. Passion, lust and infatuation all go together and none of them amount to true love. But, it is very addicting. I know.
There are some people who are very good at making others long for them by first giving them everything, then later only giving them crumbs. The other person will continue pursuing them for a long time with hopes of getting everything again. They become desperate for any attention and just the crumbs are enough to keep them on the hook. This is the dynamic of a relationship being controlled by a narcissist. And they are highly unhealthy.
I understand that you were in a relationship for 15 years prior to meeting this person and this is the first emotional attachment you had developed since. So it’s understandable that it could be mistaken for what you were looking for. But from what you said, it sounds like it was a brief flame that burned out just as quickly. Because you probably hadn’t felt an emotional connection with someone for a long time, you might feel desperate to get this one back because subconsciously you are afraid you will never find it again.
I think you are too smart of this on a rational level and that you have too much to offer to someone who will treat you better and appreciate you. I think if you go no contact and try to not think about him too much, as time goes on you will begin to see that as well and will see this “fling” for what it was, as whirlwind romance with someone who exhibits traits of a narcissist and it had very little chance of lasting into a healthy and happy relationship.
I am sure you are very likable, desirable and capable of finding someone much more attentive to your needs and who has the potential to be a life long partner. I also think you have what it takes to maintain a lasting and healthy relationship.
Because this site is My Ex Back Permanently, I will say again that I do feel confident that he will be back if you remain no contact, but I am not confident at all that he will stay long.
It’s good to hear from you.
What you described may or may not mean anything on a conscious level, but I think there is a good chance that subconsciously she liked and posted these particular things because they reminded her of you. I am almost positive that at this point she is starting to wonder about you and miss you (consciously).
What I know for sure is that over time little reminders of you are going to keep popping up and she is going to wish you were there to share them with. Maybe that picture of the dog was one of them? For example, if your favorite band comes on the radio, that is going to cause an instant flashback to you and will probably be followed by a moment of sadness that you are not there to listen to it with her. These little things are the kind of things that eventually inspire her to reach out just to say hello and see how you are doing.
That is another beautiful thing about no contact. Our ex’s defenses start to come down and little reminders are able to get into their heads. Eventually the defenses will be completely lowered and reminders will be everywhere. The urge to reach out to you will become as overwhelming for her as it is for you now.
I see a lot of red flags in this post in regards to the behavior of both of you.
Let’s start with him. Obviously I can’t diagnosis him, but he sounds like a narcistist who knows he can come back to you for attention anytime he wants. So no sense of urgency from him.
You are displaying a lot of co-dependency issues and I highly recommend you that you consider talking to someone about that. You hired a private investigator to see if an exboyfriend is single. It’s not clear how long you were with him, but my impression is it was short-term. Do you think he would want you back if he knew you had a private investigator following him?
You were caught up in the infatuation of a whirlwind romance. Here is the thing about that, whirlwind romance don’t last. There is nothing stable about them. They are based on anxiety, lust and emotions, not a solid foundation of mutual respect and understanding. Infatuation is not love. It is pure emotion and it burns out fast.
Infatuation is like a drug that we become addicted to, hence our chasing in an effort to feel that original high again. People in healthy relationships recognize that infactuation is not love and are able to more past it to a more rational relationship.
I am confident that this ex will eventually contact you if remain no contact. When that happens I hope both of you will be in a more rational frame of mind where you can make the relationship work. In the meantime, do what is good for you and try to not think of him too much.
Yes calling and talking things through absolutely will not work and will only make things worse. We cannot reason our way out of a breakup. This is about feelings and attraction. Currently her feelings and attraction for you are lower. Trying to reason with her will just be seen as mansplaining and she will pull away even more.
Let her have her breakup. Let her feel the consquences of it and feel your absense. When your favorite song comes on the radio, she will wish you were there. When she sees a funny meme you would get, she will wish she could share it with you. After her resentful feelings pass all kinds of happy reminders of you will be popping up and the urge to contact you will be overwhelming. That is if you remain no contact completely. This includes liking her posts on social media. Full no-contact.
Yes, do not ignore her when she reaches out, but keep your replies casual. Let her initiate any deep conversations. Send only one reply at a time. Also be wary of ending up in the just friends zone. We don’t want that either. I will explain why and what to do if you get the impression that is where it’s going.
It sounds like you are still in good shape.
I can tell that you are a good person and I really don’t want to say something that would make you feel worse. Unfortunate the dynamic of the relationship you described is consistant with a borderline/narcissist personality disorder relationship. There is a lot of push and pull, then on and off again. This reeks of co-dependency and I am sorry to say, from my personal and professional experience it will not get better until one or both of you seek and successfully complete professional therapy.
I am 100% certain that if you remain no-contact he will reachout to you the next time he is needing attention, but doesn’t have another source nearby to get it from. And, I am 100% certain that he will abandon you again soon afterwards. That is not what we want.
You have potential for real healthy love. You can do so much better. That is why I am going to recommend that you stay no-contact indefinitely for the sake of finding yourself and overcoming any co-dependency issues you might have. Seeing a therapist can help greatly. I promise there is no shame in that. You would be taking important steps to set yourself up for a future in a healthy fulfilling relationship and that is what you deserve.
You may also find it helpful to continue the conversation here. I and others will beable to share our thoughts. I do think the best thing for you to do in this situation is to remain full no-contact.
I have seen this many many times. It is a very familiar pattern. What she says in the moment is how she feels at that moment. That feeling in that moment will change if you play your cards right. That is why we use no contact. She has to feel the consquenses of the breakup and feel your absense long enough for her to start missing you and remember the good things about you.
If you want your ex back, don’t contact her again for any reason. Focus on yourself and you will become attractive to her and any other woman. If you don’t want to see her Facebook posts, unfriend her and stop looking.
If she gets into a rebound relationship that can actually help you. She is only in it to try to hide and avoid her feelings for you. She will be comparing him to you and he won’t be measuring up. However, if you don’t give her all the space in the world, you will push her further into his arms.
When you don’t contact her, she is going to wonder why. Then she is going to worry that you are moving on or that you already met someone new. As the person who did the breaking up, she has the power and thinks you are on her hook and she can come back anytime she wants. But, when she starts seeing that you are not on her hook any more and that you can actually move on, she will panic, because she doesn’t want to lose her safety net. She will resist for as long as she can, but if you remain no contact her fears and anxieties will overpower her stubbornness.
I promis you, this method works almost every time. If you don’t give her the breakup and stay no contact until she contacts you, I can almost guarantee you will lose her for good.
Do not contact her again until she contacts you. I know some breakup coaches advocate for a 30 day no contact period, but I do not believe in that in the slightest. Every personality is different and the circumstances of every breakup is different. To just assume that all people are going to feel the same after 30 days and be ready to talk again is absurd in my book.
Although I do know that is human nature to want what we can’t have and to miss those we love when hadn’t heard from them in a long time, the amount of time it takes each person to get to that point is going to vary greatly. That is why I always say that “no contact ends when your ex contacts you, not at some predetermined date”.
You are in good shape because your ex actually responded to your first attempt in a positive way. However, it is clear she is not ready. Respect that immediately and continue your no contact. I think she will reach out to you within a couple months. In the meantime focus on doing things you enjoy and take care of yourself. You need to rebuild the attraction she once felt for you, so that when she does contact you, you are ready.
Remember, no contact portrays security and confidence. It makes you look good to your ex and it causes her to wonder about you and best of all worry that you are moving on. She will want to contact you just to avoid losing you once her resentful feelings had passed. Those resentful feeling can only pass when you are not reminding her that you are there waiting for her.
Family and friends are the worst people to get advice from on breakups. They mean well, but the problem is they are on YOUR SIDE and they have decided that she is the enemy and should be avoided at all costs. That is usually not the case in reality. Also, often family members do not actually have much experience with breakups. For example, my parents have been married for 43 years and they were high school sweethearts. They wouldn’t have the faintest idea of what a breakup is like.
Now from what you said, it sounds like your ex still loves you and hasn’t given up yet. So let’s get you in a good place. Show her respect by giving her the all space in the world. That will also show her that you are confident and secure enough with yourself to not chase her. Then focus on yourself to become happy and confident. When it was me, I started learning to play guitar. I highly recommend finding a new hobby or something you are passionate about and get out around other people as often as you can. Live life to the fullest. Humans are attracted to happy, confident people.
Yes there is a lot of hope. In fact it sounds pretty good. If she said it like that, she hasn’t closed the door on you.
You both need space and time to get yourselves back into a healthY frame of mind. Do that. If you want her back the most effective way to get her back permanently in a healthy way is to go no contact now and do not reach out to her for any reason. Let her come to you when she is ready. And, she will be ready if you give her the space, but if you don’t she will move further away from you.
In the meantime, you should focus on yourself and do things you enjoy. Take care of yourself, your appearance and your home. All that will make you feel better about yourself and more confident. This is what will make you attractive to her again.
You are welcome. This is what I do. You are doing well. Keep it up. It will get easier soon.
No you didnt ruin anything. This was the goal. You achieved it. Now take it slow. Keep the conversation casual for now. Congratulations.
I am in my 40s. I have been in a few long term relationships and breakups. I have made all the mistakes and learned from them. I have done countless hours of research on human nature, relationships and personality disorders. Then I applied what I learned to my own future relationships and helped others with much success.
Everything you are describing I have seen before in my own relationships and with people I helped. I am very confident that your ex is doing exactly what I said for the reasons I said. And, it sounds like you are playing right into it and not considering the full picture. The reason her social media activity is up so much in a way that is pulling on your heart strings is because SHE is feeling as anxious as you are about losing you. You changing your profile puc and staying no contact triggered that. This is exactly what we want.
She is beginning to feek the consequences of the breakup and the fear of lossing you. She is trying to regain control and get you chasing her again with this activity. She knows well that you are watching her profile and EVERYTHING she does on it is for you to see. If you are goung to keep looking,you have to get in the right frame of mind. When you see something, you have to smile and think to yourself; “Honey, I know what you are trying to do, but it’s not going to work. If you want to talk to me, you know where to find me.” While you are at it, post things on your page that shows you are just fine without her. I am serious. This will work. And, I am not convinced there is another guy and even if there is, so what. He is nobody. You are the real thing. He is a temporary bandaid.
This is my advice to you and I know exactly what I am talking about. Your emotional roller coaster is on a nose dive at the moment. Tomorrow it might start climbing again. Remember that your ex is thinking about you or she wouldn’t be posting the way she is. People do not just walk away from three year long relationships and forget about the other person.
What are you basing that on? That is not a reason to contact her if its true. So don’t. If she is indeed in a rebound she is only comparing him to you and he isn’t measuring up. Your no contact makes you look better than him and he will become annoying to her because its you she wants to hear from. Every day she doesn’t get a text from you, but gets one from him instead only increases her curiosity about what is happening with you and her anxiety that YOU are with someone else. Every text she gets from him is a disappointment, because it is not from you. She will associate her rebound with disappointment.
People get into rebound relationships to try to avoid the feelings for their ex. But it doesnt work that way. The rebound will crash and they will come back to you before too long. That is if you stay no contact. However, if you break no contact you will come off as needy and desperate and unattractive, therefore making him look good. You will only push her further into his arms. Stay no contact. Keep the power on your side. Soon the tension will be high in her rebound and HE will bE the one acting needy and insecure and push her back to you.
When I found out that my ex was in a rebound I was upset too and it took a lot to not contact her. But I started telling myself that he is just competition and I am going to win. Because I know her. I won. She came back to me and he ended up looking really pathetic in his attempts to keep her.
Now all that said, how do you know she is seeing someone? Did you see a picture? Have you stopped to think maybe she is just trying to make you jealous so you will contact her and show her that all this matters to you? Remember this is a power struggle. Your no contact and changing your profile picture made her realize she isn’t in control anymore. You are moving on and she is panicking. She will do just about anything to regain control and get you back on the hook. That’s why you need to unfriend her, remove any pics of her and focus on yourself. You will win if you do that. It will be really hard, but that is why you are going to look so strong and mature.
Yes. That pattern is very familiar. She is trying hard to get your attention and make you break no contact to show her you e still on her hook. When you changed your profile picture she paniced. It looked like you are moving on and she doesn’t want that. She wants her safety net while she tries other options. Now that she sees that safety net slipping away all she can think about is getting it back. Imagine the panic if you unfriend her. Eventually she is going to contact you. Its sounding like it might be sooner than later.
Try posting some pictures of you having fun.
