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No you have not blown any chances. If only a few messages have gone between you since the breakup, it sounds like you are in better shape than most. Let’s keep it that way.
First, no you should not wish her luck in any way. Go no contact now. I have a feeling she is going to reach out to you soon. Again, when she does keep the conversation casual.
Telling her you care for her and would like to try again one time was fine. You got that off your chest and she knows now. So it’s all good. You are not pressuring her with it or reminding her. So again you are in good shape.
Now it’s time to show her that even though you would had liked to try again, you are perfectly fine without her. You are not needy, you know your value and you know you have other options. You project that message by staying no contact.
This does not mean block her on social media. In fact, I believe you should NOT do that. That would be petty. Maybe unfriend her in a couple weeks, otherwise leave it as it is. This shows security and confidence. You aren’t making a point, you have nothing to prove, you are just living your life normally. She on the other hand might block you. If she does, don’t take it negatively. It likely she is doing it just to remove temptations because she is struggling with the breakup too.Also, post things that show you are living your life and happy, but don’t over do it and don’t fake it, and especially don’t post things obviously intended to make her jealous. That would only make you look pathetic. She on the other hand may do just that to make you jealous. Recognize it for what it is, an attempt to get your attention because she is struggling with the breakup. But stay no contact until she comes to you. Show restraint and maturity. That plus your confidence is going to look very good.
Think of your contacts with her as a tennis match. You hit the ball to her side of the net. Now it’s her turn to hit it back to you.
First, never try to come between your partner and her parents, no matter how bad they are or how right you think you are. You will lose every time. Our job is to just be supportive and listen when it comes to parents, but never, ever express our dislike or negative views of them.
You can NOT reason your way out of a break up by presenting evidence that contradicts what she said. That will only push her further away. You would be making things awkward with such a confrontation and she will want to avoid that. Give her some credit, she isn’t dumb. She knows all that.
She is trying to resist all of that by digging in and sticking with her decision to break up. The more you fight her on it, the more she is going to dig in and resist. But, when you pull back and go no contact, she has nothing to resist against and nothing to maintain those negative feelings about. Eventually the anger and hurt will wear off and the good feelings will come back. She will miss you and respect you more for giving her the space she asked for.
My ex gave me a scrap book of pictures of us together. Under each pucture she wrote sweet notes like: “I love you so much” , “you are the reason I smile” and so on. Three weeks later she left me and blocked me on everything with no explanation. When I was finally able to get in touch with her, I showed her the scrap book as my “proof” that I am right and she most really love me and she should stop this silly breakup and come back to me,
Did that work? No it did not. She just deflected away from the evidence told me I am deperate and in denial, amd blocked me again. I decided to go no contact and try to forget about her. 4 months later she showed uo announnced at my house and asked if we could talk.
If you want your ex back, your best chance is no contact, fully and completely until she contacts you. No amount of reasoning, proving or explaining is going to help your case. I promise you that.
Picture two people completely at odds with eachother. They are dug in and leaning forward towards each other in an aggressive stance. Neither one is going to back down. The harder one pushes the more the other digs in and refuses to consider the other’s point of view.
Now imagine one of them just walks away. The other basically falls flat on her face. She has nothing to resist now. Now all she can do is think about it and the more she thinks about it the more likely she is going to struggke to remember what she was so mad about in the first place. You weren’t that bad. There were some good times and now some good memories are coming back.
We want ti get her to the point where she is thinking about your relationship again, not resisting it. The fastest way to get her to that point is to give her all the space in the world amd stay no contact until she comes to you.
If you think you xan keep it brief and keep your emotions under control in person no matter how she reacts, that should be fine to do it in person. I think it’s better to do it in person, but most of us are ill prepared and allow the situation to get heated or over explain amd make things worse.
The just friends trap is absolutely NOT going to get her back, ever. The reason she asked for that is because she isn’t sure she wants the breakup. Asking you to be just friends gives her the opportunity to keep you on her hook as a backup plan while she tries other options. Nobody ever goes to the backup plan, there are always other options. She will eventually ween herself off you completely and you will be the one hurt.
Also Just Friends, makes you look weak and needy. You are basically cuckolded and letting her walk all over you. Not attractive at all. But don’t beat yourself up, we have all been there before. The important thing is you are here now and you recognize that this isn’t working for you.
This is what you do; explain to her politely but firmly that this just friends thing isn’t working for you and you are going to move on with your life and she should do the same. Wish her the best then go no contact. She isn’t going to like that, because you are her safety net and she wants that safety net. She might get angry, if she does, don’t respond negatively. Simply say “I am sorry you feel that way, but I think this is for the best” then stop talking. Hopefully she will respect your decision and not fight you.
What is going to happen is when you make that decision and go no contact, you are projecting to her that you are a confident, secure man who doesn’t have time for games. You are just fine without her and know you will have no problem finding another woman who sees your value and wants more than a measly “just friends”. This is going to look incredibly attractive to her. She will resist the temptation for as long as she can, but I am confident that you are going to be in her thoughts and she will be wrestling with her decision.
Eventually her doubts and curiosity will overpower her stubbornness and she will reach out to you with the intentions of seeing if she can get you back. When that happens, keep your emotions under control and keep the conversation casual. Getting emotional and telling her you still love her and all that is going to make you look needy and show her that this was just a game.
Do not just sit around and wait for her. Work on yourself, do things you enjoy and be happy. This will make you attractive to her when she comes back or to any other woman who catches your eye. Humans are attracted to happy, confident people.
If she gets angry when you take your power back by telling her you are ending the just friends things, do not respond immediately. Show restraint and maturity. Allow at least a few hours to go by before you tell something like I said above. If she continues fighting with you, or whatever else she might say that you are not sure how to respond to, again do not respond immediately. Take your time, think it through. If you still aren’t sure, post here and maybe we can help.
My ex has blocked me on everything before. Then after not hearing from me for a couple months, she unblocked me on everything. She didn’t say anything, I just noticed one day I wasn’t blocked anymore. That was her trying to control the situation and stick with her decision to break up. Don’t read into it too much when you are blocked. Unless you were constantly messaging him and refusing to give him space, he possibly blocked you because he is struggling with his decision and is trying to remove all temptations. After awhile he might unblock you.
If you and him were together for a good length of time before the breakup and the relationship wasn’t toxic (abuse, drugs, drinking, cheating), then you absolutely did not ruin anything. You are only 4 days into no contact. The first few weeks to a month are going to be the hardest. But I promise you if you stay strong and stay no contact you are going to appear more attractive to your ex. He is expecting to you to chase him and that reassures him that you are always going to be on his hook and he doesn’t have to give you attention back if he doesn’t want to. But, when you go a good length of time without making any efforts to contact him, that is going to hit him eventually and he is going to realize that you are just fine without him and that you are confident and secure with yourself so you don’t need to chase him. He will panic and eventually reach out to you with hopes to getting back together, because nobody wants to be replaced.
Stay no contact for as long as it takes him to reach out to you. If you reach out to him first, you will set yourself back. But, don’t sit around and wait for him. Work on yourself, do things you enjoy and find your happiness. This is what makes you attractive to him and anyone else.
Rebound relationships will work in your benefit. You were together for 4.5 years. People don’t just walk away from that without doubts. She is comparing to the rebound guy to you and he is not measuring up. If you stay no contact, work on yourself and do things you enjoy, you are projecting to her that you are secure and confident, not needy. That is going to be attractive to her. Let hef have her rebound, they don’t last long. Let her have all the space in the world. Eventually her hurt and anger will start to subside then disappear. The happy thoughts about you will start to reappear. Then she will start to wonder why she hasn’t heard from you. Then she will worry that you moved on, met someone else and forgot her. That is when she will reach out. When she does, keep your emotions under control and keep the conversation casual. Let her initiate the deeper conversations.
It sounds like you are in the just friends zone. That is not a good thing. It means she is keeping you on a hook just in case she has no other options and she can slowly ween herself off you and move on while you have no idea she is doing that. If you want her back, stop being her friend and go no contact and stay no contact until she reaches out to you. Going no contact makes you look confident and secure be ause you are giving the message that you are just fine without her. That is going to make her feel attraction to you again.
You did not specify how long you were together before the breakup. That can matter. If it was a decent length of time, my impression is that she is struggling to stick with the breakup. That is why she wants to keep you on the hook while she tries other options and then stops responding because she doesnt want to give you too much or false hope. Going full no contact and letting her come to you is what is going to make you look good. It could be weeks or months, but you should take care of yourself and do what you enjoy, so when she contacts you, you will appear happy and confident.If you feel that you were being needy and insecure and that is was led to the breakup, contacting her will only reinforce that perspective in her mind. Needy people reach out. Don’t do that. I promise it will set you back.
The way no contact works is, you don’t ever contact her. You let her contact you. And, when she does, keep you emotions under control and keep the conversation casual. Let her initiate any deeper conversation.
This does not mean sit around and wait for her. No contact is for you. Take care of yourself and do things you enjoy. That combined with the fact that you appear confident and secure enough go move on after the breakup is what is going to make you attractive to her and other women. And that is what will eventually lead her to wanting to contact you, or another woman having a lot of interest in you.
That’s fine. If you want your stuff back you should get it back. I would advice not mentioning your suspicions until you get it back. I know of some people who will refuse to give it back just to control the situation.
I misspoke a little earlier. If you think she cheated and if that is a deal breaker for you, you should trust your instincts and be true to yourself. No you should not ask her in my opinion, simply for the fact that she isn’t going to tell you the truth if she hasn’t already, and her lies will only cause you doubt and anxiety.
I wouldn’t just “disappear” though. That is how immature people breakup or end friendships. Make sure she knows why you are disappearing.
What I would do if it were me is first get my stuff back. Then tell her that I don’t think she was being honest with me about when she became intimidate with the new guy and for that reason I am closing the door on her and moving on with my life, and she should move on with hers. Because people who cheat on me have no place in my life.
Do you need your stuff back? Is it important? if it’s not that important you could just leave it there or collect it months from now when you have a better grasp on this. If it was her idea that you get your stuff back, I would tell her to keep it.
Like I said in my first reply, it sounds like she was interacting with him before she told you, that doesn’t necessarily mean she crossed the line. If she did, for me that is a deal breaker. I close the door firmly in those situations and it never opens again. Of course, we are only assuming and it could be wrong. Flirting is not cheating and maybe that is all they did. Let’s not assume one way or the other.
Still we want to go no contact to figure out things for ourselves and get our own heads straight. Forget what is going on with them. You might want to make sure you are sure about this before you make a decision. You might regret it soon afterwards. I would simply tell her that you need some space and time to figure things out and stop talking.
Going no contact does not mean ignoring her. That could be seen as immature. But it does mean do not reach out to her and do not let your emotions take over. If she reaches out to you to test the waters, you should keep it short. If she says “good morning”, you can reply with “good morning” nothing else. If she says “I ran into one your friends”, you can say. “That’s nice” You can be polite, but distant. Of course if you really don’t want to hear from her or she is sending you too many messages, you need to communicate that to her in a mature way. Say “I am sorry, but I really need some space and time to myself” Hopefully she will respect that.
Additionally, you are right. All she can think about is the bad stuff. That is why people break up. Any contact with her is only goung to reinforce her position that she made the right decision. Go no contact, do things you enjoy. Give her time to get over her hurt and anger. Then the good things will start to come back to her thoughts. Then she will start to miss you and she might reach out to you. In fact she most likely will. That is human nature not speculation. A five year relationship is not something people just walk away from with no doubts. Unless there was abuse or cheating involved. Give her all the space you can. Do not reach out to her. I am very confident that she will contact you within a few months in not a few weeks. But don’t sit around waiting for her. Live your life and try to be happy. Give her something attractive to return to.
My ex blocked me on everything too. Then suddenly she unblocked me on everything. Don’t worry about that. That is just her trying to control the situation, unless you were bombarding her with messages. If that is the case, knock it off. Stay no contact completely. Don’t even send little feeler messages. She will likely start to worry that you moved on and reach out to you. When she does, keep your emotions under control and keep the conversation casual.
I am going to keep this simple. You have fallen into the just friends trap. If you want her back as more than that you better.make some changes. If it were me, I would first tell her “this friends thing isn’t working for me”, then stop facetiming with her, stop playing words with friends with her and stop reaching out to her. Let her miss you and maybe come back to you with a different perspective. If she valued you relationship, she will be back.
I want to pount out that to me, it sounds like she was involved with someone else BEFORE she told you about it. But still it give the vibe of a temporary rebound relationship and she knows that. That is why she is trying to keep you on the hook as a backup. But I promise you, if you stay on that hook, you will never get her back. If you end this current thing and go no contact she will at least feel the consquences of not having you in her life and will more likely feel the sense of urgency to fix that. If you allow this “friendship” to continue, you are allowing her to slowly ween herself off you. She will eventually fully leave you and you will be the one hurt. Take your power back now,
I am speaking from experience. My ex-wife and I ended up living on opposite sides of the country due to our careers. The distance and loniness became too much for her. One night she announced in chat that she wanted a divorce. I went full no contact. Three weeks later she reached out to me all worried that I had forgotten about her or hated her. We started talking again and making trips to see each other more frequently. Our marriage lasted four more good years. We did eventually divorce, but no contact got us talking again and we strengthened the marriage for a few more years. I would strongly recommend ending the long distance as soon as possible if you get back together. Long distance really doesnt work. I usually dont give advice on ling distance relationships, because its pointless in most cases.
After my ex-wife I had a long term girlfriend who has trust issues. This lead to conflicts and breakups several times. I would go no contact and usually within a few weeks she would just show up at my house and ask if we could talk. No contact works.
If you want her back STOP IGNORING HER NOW!
No Contact does not mean ignore your ex. It means let her come to you while you work on yourself.
When she texts you good morning, just text her back “Good morning.” and say nothing more. Keep making her do the work and initiate the conversations. You keep your emotions under control.
If you want her back and you keep ignoring her, she will take the hint and stop trying.
She is making it clear that she is not ready for this breakup even though she says she is. You aren’t acting like she is your girlfriend, she is letting you treat her like she is still your girlfriend. It seems like she can’t make up her mind from what I am reading.
If she says hi, you say hi back. If she says good morning, you say good morning back. If she says “Can we talk”, you say “What’s on your mind?” Keep it casual on your part. Give the impression that you are just fine and not emotionally distraught. This will show strength and confidence, and nothing is more attractive than that.
