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I’ll try to make this as short as possible. But I am in some dire need of assistance here.
My ex and I dated for 4.5 years, shared pretty much everything together during those years, both went through our grandmothers passing together which brought us extremely close.
On March 16 of this year I made what seems now the biggest mistake of my life by breaking up with her. I told her I made a mistake on April 7, laid it all on the line and told her how I felt, and we talked for a few days after that, only to cut off all contact on April 11. That was the last time we spoke. It ended ok. She has recently blocked me everywhere and is in what seems to be a rebound relationship only weeks after we’ve broken up. Moreover, the guy is the guy she dated for a year before we got together almost 5 years ago, that SHE ended it with because she said it wasn’t working. So why go back to that?
There was never infidelity in the relationship, however she did say she felt as though she was chasing me during the relationship. Those feelings were most likely due to her suffering childhood trauma at the hands of her parents, they were never there for her the way she needed them to be, and I was always there to help her cope with the severe anxiety that they caused in her, as well as depression. It would always end with her telling me I mean the world to her and thank you for being so understanding. So when our relationship ended, she is now claiming our relationship was toxic beyond belief and that I was the primary reason behind her anxiety/depression, yet it hasn’t really gone away to my knowledge. I saved text of where the anxiety stemmed from and the things she would say about her parents and wanting to move out and cut communication with them. Problem is that pay for everything and even threatened to cut her off multiple times, even if she got back with me. Seems fair.
Few questions here. 1. Opinions on her new relationship and what you guys think about going back to her ex that she broke up with!? 2. The only chance at contact would be next week when she is taking her finals, I would leave a note on her car with a rose that I always gave her, one rose. Is this a bad idea? Should I just forget about it and hope she contacts me? What are the chances she sees it as a negative? 3. If anyone suffers anxiety here, what is your opinion on why she would try and twist the feelings of her anxiety to our relationship when, 1. I have most of the proof of where it came from and 2. She knows deep down where it comes from. Thank you in advance
Rebound relationships will work in your benefit. You were together for 4.5 years. People don’t just walk away from that without doubts. She is comparing to the rebound guy to you and he is not measuring up. If you stay no contact, work on yourself and do things you enjoy, you are projecting to her that you are secure and confident, not needy. That is going to be attractive to her. Let hef have her rebound, they don’t last long. Let her have all the space in the world. Eventually her hurt and anger will start to subside then disappear. The happy thoughts about you will start to reappear. Then she will start to wonder why she hasn’t heard from you. Then she will worry that you moved on, met someone else and forgot her. That is when she will reach out. When she does, keep your emotions under control and keep the conversation casual. Let her initiate the deeper conversations.
Why did you break up with her? 3 weeks later you told her it was a “mistake” and talked about it.
1)Wow, it’s no wonder she got back with her ex. Maybe it will work out with him this time and maybe not.
2)”..she did say she felt as though she was chasing me during the relationship.” Apparently you weren’t doing enough to show your love and she felt you weren’t ‘all in’ regarding the relationship. Maybe leaving the rose and a note will show her your concern, but since she’s with the other guy and he will wish her luck, I don’t know if she will react positively to your note.
3)You can’t compare her anxiety regarding her childhood with what she felt with you. Don’t ever confront her with the idea that she is twisting her anxiety to your relationship and don’t confront her with your proof.
There is a bit more to the story and her parents that I won’t reveal here, but just know that anything she may have suffered before we met was pretty traumatizing for any kid.
Anyway, the three main reasons:
1. Throughout our relationship she would always have “rifts” with her parents, and I did everything I could to console her both in text and in person. So it developed into something greater, something we talked about going to see someone for. That never happened no matter how many times she told me.
2. Her parents expressed dislike for me from day 1 and never gave me a chance. Ever. Which I’m not surprised about they didn’t like anyone she dated, including this guy now. So that was always an uphill battle and most likely caused a miscommunication on both ends with her and I.
3. And the biggest, she never trusted me in our relationship, never felt like she truly trusted me and would constantly tell me that she was going to and that her anxiety wasn’t going to get the best of her and us and that she was sorry she put me through hell, she said that. I never did anything in our relationship to cause her not to trust me, I was good to her and did my best to cope with what she was dealing with.
Now my dumbass friend requested her on IG much to my disagreement but they are ***holes sometimes.
I still believe we are truly meant to be together, but there’s a lot going against us right now and I have backed off completely. She has pretty much blocked me on every medium.
I guess I just want to know why someone would use the word toxic in that I’ve never heard that word before regarding our relationship. You don’t forget 4.5 years. Especially in a month.
Some of the messages I have are beyond the scope of what I’m allowed to share. But do try to understand that I was a small portion of what she was going through. And i tried to do my best.
Always told her and showed her how much I loved her and how much she meant to me and what she will feel when she is free of them and living her best life.
She would respond with you mean the world to me and I love you so much and am so lucky to have a man like you in my life.
I broke her heart, I know, and I truly believe I made the wrong choice, those things were workable but I got scared and just ended it. Just have to move on for now and keep bettering myself.
One day it will hit her, I know her better than anyone, and I want the good memories to outweigh whatever she may be being told or fed by her parents if at all. Hence why I wanted to one day show her what I have and she will see it for what it is, but I will do my best not to. It would make her see though, just trust that when formulating an opinion.
First, never try to come between your partner and her parents, no matter how bad they are or how right you think you are. You will lose every time. Our job is to just be supportive and listen when it comes to parents, but never, ever express our dislike or negative views of them.
You can NOT reason your way out of a break up by presenting evidence that contradicts what she said. That will only push her further away. You would be making things awkward with such a confrontation and she will want to avoid that. Give her some credit, she isn’t dumb. She knows all that.
She is trying to resist all of that by digging in and sticking with her decision to break up. The more you fight her on it, the more she is going to dig in and resist. But, when you pull back and go no contact, she has nothing to resist against and nothing to maintain those negative feelings about. Eventually the anger and hurt will wear off and the good feelings will come back. She will miss you and respect you more for giving her the space she asked for.
My ex gave me a scrap book of pictures of us together. Under each pucture she wrote sweet notes like: “I love you so much” , “you are the reason I smile” and so on. Three weeks later she left me and blocked me on everything with no explanation. When I was finally able to get in touch with her, I showed her the scrap book as my “proof” that I am right and she most really love me and she should stop this silly breakup and come back to me,
Did that work? No it did not. She just deflected away from the evidence told me I am deperate and in denial, amd blocked me again. I decided to go no contact and try to forget about her. 4 months later she showed uo announnced at my house and asked if we could talk.
If you want your ex back, your best chance is no contact, fully and completely until she contacts you. No amount of reasoning, proving or explaining is going to help your case. I promise you that.
Picture two people completely at odds with eachother. They are dug in and leaning forward towards each other in an aggressive stance. Neither one is going to back down. The harder one pushes the more the other digs in and refuses to consider the other’s point of view.
Now imagine one of them just walks away. The other basically falls flat on her face. She has nothing to resist now. Now all she can do is think about it and the more she thinks about it the more likely she is going to struggke to remember what she was so mad about in the first place. You weren’t that bad. There were some good times and now some good memories are coming back.
We want ti get her to the point where she is thinking about your relationship again, not resisting it. The fastest way to get her to that point is to give her all the space in the world amd stay no contact until she comes to you.
Sounds like you were a knight in shining armor trying to rescue the damsel in distress. Also maybe more of a counselor to her than a lover.
You said her parents pay for everything, but is she living with them? Does she have a job? Can she support herself? How old are both of you?
You can’t fix her! She has deep seated serious mental issues and needs to see a professional therapist. You wrote:”So it developed into something greater, something we talked about going to see someone for. That never happened no matter how many times she told me.” Why not???
When you say she didn’t ‘trust’ you, does that mean she accused you of being unfaithful with other women or something else? Did she describe your relationship as toxic?
I agree with Seth’s comment, “Let her have all the space in the world. Eventually her hurt and anger will start to subside then disappear. The happy thoughts about you will start to reappear.”
To be honest, it sounds like you’ve done your best to support her and yet her mental state/anxiety hasn’t improved. And it won’t suddenly improve if she cuts off her parents. Even if she gets professional help, it could be years before any substantial improvement. Maybe you should take this no contact time to think about whether or not you would be better off without her.
I do wish the best for both of you.. whatever that would be..
Thank you for the comments!
I intend to let her have her space, it is hard to do, but needs to be done nonetheless.
The “trust” factor came in because she would be under the impression that I would find something better around the corner, no matter how many times I told her that wasn’t true. It was an insecurity thing in my opinion. It would get to me when we would be out, and any girl she thought was attractive, she would kind of give me a glance to see if I also was looking or recognized the same girl. And most of the time I saw her first, I am a guy after all, but never thought to myself oh wow I’m going to leave my girlfriend for her. There are people everywhere, and for anyone not to notice the opposite sex anywhere is just impossible, and that put a big strain on her trust towards me, when in reality I should have been the one not trusting her. 1 month into our relationship, over Christmas break, I went home and she stayed where she was, ended up kissing a friend when they were drunk, only to tell me about it in July because she had fallen in love with me and was scared to lose me. Instead of breaking it off in July when I should have, I didn’t bat an eye because I saw the kind of girl she was and woman she would be one day. Totally Forgave her and still trusted her completely after that.
The word toxic has never come up regarding our relationship, not once was that word used by either her or I, I honestly believe her parents are trying to fill her head with things, and instead of taking any of the blame themselves, its easy to manipulate the situation and make me the bad guy and put the blame on me for ALL of this, even though I didn’t really have anything to do with it.
Things I haven’t said yet – Her parents have told her that if she would have gotten back with me that they would cut her off, and yes they pay for everything right now, school, car, insurance, phone. She does have a job but it is part time due to school, she has 3 semesters left in school. I have my degree and full time job, and would be able to take her out of the position shes in, but paying for everything would be impossible and she would have to take out loans, she does not currently have any, lucky. Without a full time job she would not get medical insurance so out of pocket that is like 10-15k yearly. None of that really matters if she stays with the guy shes with, which most people are telling me is hopefully a rebound and that she is just trying to forget in anyway she knows how, on top of needing that reassurance and latching on to someone, kind of seems like she can “fall in love” with anyone.
She told me that when she first saw me in English class her freshman year, she said to herself: “thats the one, thats him”. She used to call me “my love” and “bestfriend”, yet now this guy that hasn’t spoken to or seen her in 5 years is all of a sudden these two things, per her Instagram. His Instagram is very degrading, talking about “putting a baby in that bitch”. There are people who want to send a letter to her father explaining what this kid is saying on Social Media about her, but I will easily be connected with that and honestly hope no one does it. Then again, maybe it wouldn’t be such a terrible thing. She deserves better than that.
Ive been talking to people that have been in similar situations with anxiety, and one in particular who said she had something very similar and still does and takes meds for it and shes 70. GAD is probably the best example for what I can give.
I could have been better as well, there were times where I was distant because I either had a long day at work or the persistent little things that caused any flare up were present more often than not and sometimes it felt better to avoid it. I cannot answer as to why she felt she was “chasing me”, my guess is because of who she is and reassurance that she would need, which I thought I was giving to her, but after hearing her call our relationship toxic and that she cant believe she let someone treat her so badly for so long, I honestly don’t even know what to say, because it just wasn’t like she is describing, at least not to me, and if she felt like that, truly miserable, I had no idea and she did nothing to tell me, anything we dealth with either stemmed from school, her parents, or her job, there was never “hey, i think WE are the issue, so lets work on that”, it was always “im sorry my anxiety has caused us to struggle, i really am getting help, i promise things will be different”, and i would also say everything will be ok and that we will make it past it all, but I guess everyone has their breaking point, hence why I ended it.
I really think the second time around for us will truly be something special, if we are ever given that chance. Given what we both know now, and the love that we have for each other, this seemed like it needed to happen, I just dont know what shes doing in that new relationship, maybe i never knew her at all…
My ex was the same way. Always paranod that someone else would steal me from her. But that is why no contact is your best option. The longer she doesnt hear from you the more paranoid she is going to get and the more scared she is going to get that you might actually move on and find someone else. She doesnt want that to happen.
It gets easier if you remember those things. Every day of no contact you get stronger and she gets weaker in her position. Doing things you enjoy will keep your mind off it. Make sure you take care of yourself. Dont wallow in pity. Keep your house clean, stay shaven and so on. Why? Because she mght show up suddenly and if you look depressed and pathatic, she is going to wish she didnt.
Almost everything you said about your ex sounds like my ex. My ex has borderline personality disorder. I bet yours does too. My ex’s rebound guy was a total low life. A complete opposite of her. He posts racist comments, he is unkempt, he smokes. And she hates smoking so much. When i learned that i was appalled not jealous. What was wrong with her? But i started thinking this is goid. This guy makes me look good. No contact apparantly got her thinking the same thing.
Sorry, forgot to answer the age. i am 27 and she is 24.
I have been doing a lot to work on myself. At first, it was taking a toll on me and affected the way I ate, slept, and lived my everyday routine. Have always been a strong willed person, but this just hit me like a freight train, it was weird, for the first two weeks i was fine, slowly started to realize how much she really meant to me and what our second chance would look like. Apparently, 3 weeks of being broken up was enough for her to be “not interested” in getting back together right now. April 11 was the last time we spoke.
Started to run again, very therapeutic, getting to around a 7:00 mile again which is good!, Haven’t taken the plunge yet but I do want to start learning to either dance or improve on my singing capabilities. Developed a better relationship with God in the meantime, something Ive always wanted to do. Starting to live my life again, hoping to one day rekindle in the future with who I think is the the person I am meant to be with. And i will wait, but not forever, I will never be a doormat for anyone. Eventually she will see that.
Would love to hear someone with a psychological background give an explanation on anything involving her 180 degree turnaround on her feelings for me. I guess what I did just shook for and shocked her so much that she went defensive, I did blindside her a little bit the day I did it, and feel terrible for it and she accepted any apology on my end for anything I may have done, which, in talking to people, in objectively about it, doe not seem like I had much to do with it other than breaking up with her. However, I do think I am entitled to an explanation one day on why she has said what she said. And then to block me literally everywhere is odd, but I understand and accept her decision to do so. Makes it easier to not talk to her that/s for sure. Email would be the only option eventually, if at all.
Her current/former ex does not seem like a terrible person, other than what he put out there on social media about putting a baby in her, still wish there was a way that her dad could find that out without my name ever being behind it, but I just know that she will automatically assume it was me. Just a shame someone would put that on social media about any woman. the full version is: “step aside boys, im going put a baby in that bitch”. classy.
other than that he seems to have his head on straight, has a degree i think….no idea the kind of job he has.
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