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Three months since the breakup, but how long since no-contact started? That is the point that matters. That is when you fell off her hook. When she noticed that, she began to feel the consequences of the breakup. There are stages she must go through before she is ready to contact you. Every person goes through the stages at different paces, but staying no-contact helps her go through them quicker than if you were contacting her.
I know it feels that she is slipping away when you don’t have contact with her, but that is what would happen if you were contacting her. You would be pushing her away. Remember that everything you see in the movies about exes getting back together is not how it happens in real life. We can’t suddenly warm their hearts with the right combination of words, memories or gifts. Time and space is the only way.
My impression is that there was not a recent angry blow up complete with name calling and threats. Your no-contact started on a peaceful, barely noticeable note. This is very good for you, because she doesn’t have the worry of being yelled at when she is ready to contact you. Most exes have that extra hurdle to get over. Even then, they will still reachout eventually.
I would make a bet with you that your ex is going to reachout to you in two to four months from the date in which you started no-contact. I will also bet that she is not slipping away. At this point she is probably beginning to feel regret and realizing that life is not better without you. Posting happy pictures on Facebook would pretty much confirm that. When ever you see happy posts, remember that she is looking for validation. She is trying to convince herself and everyone else that she is happy. But, it’s not working. That is why she will post more, because she is in denial.
You should be proud of yourself. There are millions of men and women in the world texting, calling and emailing their exes over and over, in a desperate attempt to talk them into loving them again.
It can take a tremendous amount of strength and self-discipline to not give into our irrational emotional desires. You are among the few who are showing maturity and strength in the face of all this. Women find that very attractive, because it portrays confidence that would make them feel safe, instead of neediness and insecurity.
Your emotional roller-coaster is natural. There will be some more down days, but they will occur less frequently as time goes on. Eventually you will realize you are feeling much more emotionally stable and you will look back in awe at how differently you felt just a few months ago. Things will also start to make more sense and different perspectives that didn’t even occur to you before will suddenly be very clear.
I am sorry to tell you this. You are right, someone is being manipulated here, but it’s not her. If it were me I would be talking to a divorce attorney first thing in the morning and give her the message that I am not her doormat.
If she is suddenly posting more selfies than usual on social media at this point that is a very good sign that your no contact is starting to have the effect on her that you want. You might want to review some of our earlier posts to refresh your memory on why that is a good sign and that I told you it would probably happen. Selfies are posted because of a need for validation, to get your attention and to convince you and herself that she is happy and just living it up. Now if she was content with her life and the breakup, would she need to do that? The answer is no.
Lee,
This “My ex has said from day one she’s not going to change her mind” and other variations of the same line such as “There is no chance we will get back together again”, is very typical for the ex to say early on in the breakup when she is determined to stick with her decision and communicate that to you. Yes she really means she wants space at that moment. But it is very likely that if you give her the space she wants, that will change when she has a chance to experience life without you for awhile. I agree that you should accept that the relationship is over AT THIS TIME and focus on yourself, but that doesn’t necessarily mean it is permanently dead.No you should not chase. Stay no contact. What I mean is she is waiting to see if you will contact her to assure her that you are indeed still on her hook and not moving on. This would erase the anxiety that she is losing you and she will feel that she can come back to you anytime she wants because you are just going to keep chasing her. That is not the message you want to give her.
She needs to feel your absence and the sense of loss of the relationship before she can begin to miss you. If you are reminding her that you are there, she will never feel that.
I think he is just testing to see if you are still on his hook.
No i do not think you should apologize or explain anything. That shows insecurity, especially since you didn’t do anything wrong. We want to show confidence as if you are doing just fine without him. The fact that you opened it but took this long to answer is actually helping you, because now he is wondering why you haven’t answered yet and that triggers anxiety in him that he could lose you. He doesn’t want to lose you. He wants to keep you on his hook as a backup plan.
If you are sure he intended to send that picture. Just say “Hi.” or if you prefer “Thank you. That is nice.” Just keep it casual and simple, this will invite him to say more. Make sure you are responding directly to this snapchat, so he doesn’t think it was just some random message you decided to send.
She has not lost all respect or feelings for you. The attraction to you has been lowered, but not completely lost. That is human nature. No contact helps to rebuild respect, feelings and attraction, because it displays your maturity and confidence that wouldn’t be displayed if you were chasing her.
I think it is very likely that she is simply holding out to see if you will start to chase. I also feel very confident that her anxiety levels are raised a little more every day that you don’t contact her. Again, human nature. We just simply do not disengage emotionally with someone we had been in a years long relationship with that easily. What we do instead is dig in and try to convince ourselves that we are over that person, but eventually our emotions overpower our stubbornness.
Why hasn’t she opened your message? It could be a lot of reasons and many of them not what you think. If it was a text message or a Facebook message, the message alert can pop up on her phone immediately after you sent it. She could read it right there without actually opening it in the app. I do that all the time. Or, maybe she is just avoiding it because she is afraid it will trigger her and she will reply before she is ready to.
My ex used to ignore my messages, because she knew I had a way of sucking her back into a conversation when she wanted to be done with it. She just couldn’t read my words and not respond, so she had to just not open it. And that is the ex who eventually just showed up at my house when she didn’t hear from me for a couple months to ask if we could talk. If I didn’t stay no contact, she would not had done that. She specifically said that she got scared that she was going to lose me. I really believe your ex will go through something similar.
The dynamic you described is not that different from what I experienced myself and heard from others many times. There really is a noticeable pattern in all this. Sadly though, we still can’t give a timeline as to when things will unfold as every person is different and the circumstances of every breakup are different. However, my experience has shown that the ex usually reaches out in 2 to 4 months, but then I have seen some cases where it was over a year later.
It is okay to feel the pain and even obsess over it a little. That is normal human behavior. But, at the same time, we should try to ween ourselves of the obsession and try to focus on ourselves and do things we enjoy so that we can become strong and more confident again. We should not think of this as waiting for our ex to come back, but as improving ourselves so we look attractive to any person we might be interested in, which includes our ex.
Lee,
If you feel your ex meets at least five of those criteria points I listed before, then she might have Borderline Personality Disorder. That is a whole other area that you might want to become familiar with to understand why she behaves the way she does. Be wary of information that suggests those with BPD are just evil or manipulative, because that is just not true, even though they do appear that way sometimes on the surface.Your rage and violent reactions are a big and serious problem. Simply put, you are not ready to be in a relationship until you get professional help for your anger problems before you seriously injure someone. Whether it is grief, horomones or anything else doesn’t matter. You are punching him in the face and it will not just stop if he comes back. You will not suddenly be all better without professional help.
I am glad to see you are starting therapy. Please stick with it. Do not think about getting back with your ex until you are in a better place. Much better place.
I have no doubt that you are a good person and have potential to be happy. I want that for you. What you described shows signs of serious emotional problems and lack of impulse control when you are angry. Why you feel this way, is not your fault, but you must get help and learn to control it so that you can be happy.
What you described about your ex shows signs of co-dependency. He will almost definitely be back, because he also has a low self image and is addicted to the highs of the relationship so much that he forgets the lows. I hope I am wrong and he doesn’t come back until after you complete therapy. Because I have little doubt that you will continue hitting him. If you really love him, don’t let him come back until your therapist says you are ready.
I always maintain that any relationship can be saved provided that cheating, drugs, alcohol or physical abuse aren’t part of the dynamic.
All the more reason to stay no contact. It will help you get your head clear and give her time to get over any hurt or resentment your words caused her to feel. If she contacts you, don’t bring up the past and keep the conversation casual.
No contact does not mean ignore your ex. It means don’t contact your ex. Let him contact you. When he contacts you, you should respond, but keep the response casual so you don’t come off as needy and desperate. Your ex reaching out to you is usually the goal of no contact. So congratulations.
It sounds like you got some bad advice somewhere and what you are actually doing is “playing hard to get”. THAT could hurt your chances of getting your ex back, as he will only try a couple times before getting the hint.
If there is a message in the snapchat, answer the message. If it is just a picture, just respond with “Hi”. If you aren’t sure how to respond, share more info here and I will help you.
Your post is long, so I am answering in segments.
Her “I am not ready to be in a relationship.” line is a crock. She will likely be dating soon, if she isn’t already. Never take these kind of letters at face value. While you are waiting for her to be “ready” you will suddenly be crushed when you discover that she is in a relationship and won’t even talk to you as “just friends” anymore. Why? Because you served your purpose in helping her move on without feeling the loss of your relationship. Once she finds the next long-term boyfriend, she won’t need her “friend” anymore.
She is trying to make you just friends so that she can try other options and keep you as a backup plan in order to avoid feeling the consquences of the breakup. Nobody ever comes back to the backup plan. There are always more options. She will beable to slowly ween herself off you and you will be the one hurt.
Make it clear that you are not interested in a measly just friends. She meant more than that to you, and if you don’t mean more than that to her then you won’t waste your time with her. Then go and stay completely no contact.
There is a good chance that once she feels your absense long enough she will decide this isn’t what she wants and contact you. No contact is your best path forward as it will also help you see things clearer and find yourself again. It will make you attractive and confident to your ex and any other woman. Know your worth. Your are too good for a measly “just friends”. She should know that, too.
If she contacts you, keep the conversation casual and keep your emotions under control. Do not tell her you love her and miss her, or want her back.
I agree. It sounds like she left the door open for you. That is basically the dumper’s speak for “I am not sure I really want to break up, give me time without you to figure it out.” So work on yourself is always a good idea. Give it a good amount of time. A couple months at least and then contact her. I have a feeling she is going to contact you first.
