penelope4

Hi, Kaila. I haven’t been on here for a long time but you suddenly came into my head the other day and I checked this board and, to my surprise, there was a message from you. Thank you for thinking of me.

I haven’t been on here because I have nothing to say. There’s no real news. Just more of the same crap. What’s the point of telling you all the same crap?

I’m going to start seeing a new therapist – I have been with mine for 15 years and she’s helped me through some really hard times but we can’t seem to get anywhere with this problem. I’m also angry with her; I feel like she sold me a fairy tale and then abandoned me. I haven’t been able to get past this resentful feeling and our sessions now only consist of: “you have to move, you have to move, you have to move. There’s no point in talking to him.” Broken record. I’m wasting money and time. This other therapist has come highly recommended to me by a friend – she’s supposed to be very direct.

He and I are the same – friendly but not at peace. The usual horsesh*t. Either he’s attention-seeking and I shut him down, or I’m trying to seek his attention and he’s lukewarm. I’ve recently been hanging out a lot with his close friends who are extremely fond of me. He’s never there, though, because he’s seeing someone new. I’m upset about this but viewing things more realistically this time around so while I’m sad (possibly repressing sadness) I haven’t gone off the deep end. Not heartbroken, I guess, because I’ve been here before and besides, I’d have to have a heart left to break.

There are no plans to leave the country. I don’t want to leave the country. My life is here. My friends are here. But, of course, I recognize that I’m completely stuck and it’s unlikely that I’ll be able to move on. I recognize that I won’t be able to move on unless I talk to him, and I also know that I can’t leave this country unless I talk to him. I’ve known this for a very long time. But every time I see him it’s like I freeze and panic. And now he’s with someone new. I just can’t do it. I’ve been so depressed lately, feeling like my life is ruined and I simply can’t see a future for myself.

my brain is doing something, kaila, but i don’t know what. when i think about him or miss him or feel pain related to him, am i feeling those things for the mythical spaghetti-making superman who swept me off my feet 5 years ago or for the creative, philosophical, handsome, moody, childish asshole i know now? i think i don’t care about him anymore, i go whole hours without wanting him, i think i’m getting over him, then i see him and i can’t stop thinking about him. i’m very confused.

anyway, last night’s encounter: as soon as he saw me he said, “hey! was that woman i saw you with your mother??? i’d only seen her once before but i thought i recognized her…”

the old woman i saw him with was his neighbor. the dog i saw them with used to be his dog, but he gave it to the neighbor.

he’s in a good mood recently. i brought homemade christmas cookies for him and his coworkers and he was pleased; rubbed my arm gratefully. gave me a hug and cheek kiss when i wished him a happy christmas. nothing meaningful or flirtatious but i think i might have a good chance at getting near him for a pleasant social encounter which will let me test the waters for everything else.

saw him briefly at school yesterday but he was on his way out. he was in a good mood, friendly smiles. i was disappointed not to have the chance to talk to him.

saw him tonight while i was out christmas shopping with my mom. he was with an elderly lady and his dog. he recently got a dog – the same kind of dog that his ex (?) has. when i first heard his friends talking about the stupid dog i didn’t sleep that night. anyway, we passed each other on the street and i got my first look at the little monster. we both smiled at each other and said “hi” but neither of us stopped. for my part, i felt shy because i didn’t recognize the elderly lady he was with and i didn’t trust my mother to be cool. as we got further away my mom asked, “and who was THAT?” I said, “Um, that was F.” She hadn’t recognized him because he has a beard now and he’s let his hair grow out wild. She said, “wow, he really gave you a nice smile!” i got so flustered that i forgot where i’d parked the car so we had to double back to the parking lot, and as we were doing so, we crossed paths with him and the woman again. another exchange of bright smiles but, again, we didn’t stop to say hello properly. we just can’t be normal around each other. i honestly don’t know whose fault it is. probably mine.

got a nice “just get over it, what do you care” lecture from my mother as well.

I already know Kaila’s response: YOU DON’T NEED A HOOK! JUST GO FIND HIM…!

🙂

I feel that I do need a “hook”, though. I never know which F I’m going to get – open or shut. When he’s shut there’s nothing doing. When he’s open, he still shuts me down (as he did a couple of times this past summer – the unreturned hug, the aborted dinner invite). Barreling into his place of business demanding time alone is invasive and disrespectful and knowing him, it would just have the opposite effect. I mean, if I tried to ask him to dinner just two days after he cooked for me and he shut me down, what response can I expect if I coldcock him in his place of work?

What I want is him to come to my house so we can cook together like we did years ago. That is the only fantasy I still allow myself to have.

Hi, everyone. I’m sorry it’s taken me so long to respond to you. I’ve been doing home repairs before my family comes to spend Christmas with me. But also, I’ve been processing what all of you said. Also processing F’s non-reaction.

I’m so grateful for all of the time you have spent thinking about my issue and for all of the heartfelt advice you have given me over these months. We are all strangers, and yet you’ve been so kind and thoughtful.

Kaila – you are a gem. not only do you always have a tender way of cutting through the bull, but you then are always concerned about hurting my feelings. Don’t worry! What you think is “rude/blunt” is always just fair and honest. And, yes, you’re, of course, right again. About everything.

Starlight – I don’t know if he thinks I was playing a game… I was trying to open the discourse. In general, when someone says “I’m moving”, it’s normal to respond, “where to?” I wanted the open conversation. i was trying to have it. I would have had it. He chose not to go down that path.

HurtingLikeYou – wow. Hi. You are new to this madness, but you really cut through the crap. Yes – it’s been five months since I originally posted on this thread (jesus…). Yes – I’m pouring forth my feelings with total strangers, not him. I guess you can all see why this whole saga with F has lasted 5 years.

You asked me a great question – what am I really afraid of? Intimacy, okay. Rejection, of course. I have an extremely low self esteem due to my abusive childhood. My terror of both of those things are so strong that I’ve ended up where I am today; 35 years old, single, no kids, a walking broken heart. This has only happened with him, by the way. His cold reactions to my attempts to get closer this past summer certainly didn’t help things.

Something that is complicating things now is that I have gone totally numb. About everything – the move, my life here, but especially him. There was a period where I was crying at the drop of a hat several times a day but in the past few weeks I’ve gone apathetic. I go through my daily routine and am even in good spirits. I keep thinking that I’m over him, I think I don’t want him anymore, I realize that even if he wanted me he couldn’t make me happy. That has also slowed me down in my quest to tell him how I feel… I’m not sure if it’s true any longer. My brain has taken over. I don’t even allow myself to fantasize about him anymore – as soon as I try, the fantasy turns sour.

Sometimes things happen – I think about him and other women and I can’t sleep, or I see things that remind me of him and I feel tears start. Is it the hangover of getting over him or have I just buried my feelings for him to avoid dealing with them?

I have to admit, though, that his non-reaction made me very curious. I haven’t gone all evangelical as I would have in the past, assuming it means that he LOVES ME and we ARE MEANT TO BE! But I tried to get upset about it the night it happened and I couldn’t. I knew it wasn’t a bad sign, but potentially a good one that I need to explore. I’m trying my hardest not to get excited about it. But that’s my next step – talking about it more openly with him. Then asking him for some time alone.

I know you guys thought I should tell him that I love him before I tell him that I’m moving, but I actually think that this can work out better for me as I can use it for leverage. Since I announced to friends that I’m leaving, a few of them – men who, I guess, have been carrying torches for me – have invited me to dinner and to lunch, “… before you go.” If I weren’t going, I’d never have accepted for fear of leading them on. But I accepted ONLY because I’m leaving. I think I can get it to work the other way. Invite him out, “… since I’m leaving.”

I perceive that he, in opposition to all of the other men here, puts up resistance to me. I don’t know why. 1) He’s still messing with his tacky blow up doll ex. 2) He senses my feelings and doesn’t want to lead me on. Whatever. But I think my chances of getting him alone are better if I have a hook like my leaving.