Things were going well but now I'm confused all over again

@starlight it certainly sounds like our situations are very similar! He definitely can’t be alone, which means he probably has some low self-esteem. Our mutual friend told me that he ran into another one of their friends who said my ex said he is so in love with this girl and that they have a connection that he can’t put into words but is deep and meaningful. That hurt to hear, but then the mutual friend tells me this guy isn’t that close to my ex, and they probably were said when they were drunk or something. He also said he told this friend, “Whatever dude, he changes with the wind, let’s see what he says when he gets back.” Furthermore, if she means SO much to him, why would he do what he did with me just 2 weeks before this trip to Florida with her? Why would he come onto one of the girls that works at the bar he regularly goes to? That’s 2 different girls in the last month he’s tried to get with. Answer is, point blank, he clearly isn’t in love with her. He wouldn’t do any of that, and all of his friends wouldn’t have been under the impression she’s out of the picture.

I don’t think it will last either but I guess stranger things have happened. I’ve cried a bit in the last few days but I’m trying to be strong and not do it anymore. I’m tired of the games. It’s so clear he’s playing both her and me. He doesn’t really love her or else he wouldn’t have done what he has done. He wouldn’t have been so desperate to get my attention, or held me and kissed me, or done his best to downplay his connection to her every time I brought her up. He wouldn’t be keeping me as an insurance policy. Maybe I’m naive, but from what I’ve experienced and seen, when someone is in love they go all in and ignore everyone else around them. At least when things are good and happy.

I’m in NC 🙂 So a little far from where you’re at lol. I had a rough day today. Logically I know that, out of the 2 of us, it’s him that has something wrong with him. But I can’t help but feel like something is wrong with me too, since he was SO quick to commit to moving to Florida with this girl, but he couldn’t commit to calling me his girlfriend again. I was in such a funk even a gym session didn’t help me out of it. Everyone I tell the story to has the same thought: that something is legitimately wrong with him. They also say he’s questioning everything in his life right now because he failed the CFA, which passing that test would have been a huge help to his finance career. He was so sure he passed too, and he has always passed tests like that. But he failed this time, and now all of a sudden he’s thinking of opening a gym in Florida? When he’s wanted to be in finance since he was like 8 years old.

Also, I used to get really weird feelings back in the fall in the few weeks leading up to when he came back to me, and every time there had been a reason (related to him and me) for it. I woke up with one of those the other day. No idea what it could be about, but so far I can’t tell anything from social media. Regardless, it isn’t healthy for me to keep putting myself through this. I’m doing what I can to distance myself, but I do want to be sure his friends call him out on playing 2 girls and trying to move to Florida with one of them after only being in contact for a couple months. I do want to know what comes of that, even though I know that no good will likely come of it either way.

@penelope thank you for your support. I kind of want to respond, but at the same time I don’t. I know it drives him crazy when I ignore him, and he’s expecting a response since he sent me an apology. Plus I have no idea what I would say to him that I wouldn’t later regret.

@starlight I’m doing everything I can to try to pick myself up, but today is awful. I slept until early afternoon and just want to be in bed all day away from other people.

I asked on another website like this about this situation, and the person behind the site said it’s serious between my ex and this girl. Which confuses me, because everything about this (according to general advice) screams rebound except for the fact that they dated for 4 years and broke up in 2012. Evidence: he got into contact with her while he was still trying to get with me, he downplays his relationship to her to his friends and to me, he hid his relationship with her from his friends (including this FL trip and that they’re planning to move there together), they saw each other 3 times since Christmas, they’ve only been in contact since Christmas (so a 4 month-ish relationship and they’re planning to move in together).

And it upsets me greatly that he could have had me, who would have treated him well and with respect, and instead chooses this girl who isn’t even a sure thing and who all his friends are under the impression she told him he was going to have to pay for everything for their relationship to work. As far as I know, his move to Florida still isn’t set in stone. And all of us are thinking that if Florida falls through, so is this relationship. I need to stop myself from hoping that. It’s not healthy, and he has treated me so poorly. But it’s hard when he was the one I wanted to marry and have a future with. It’s so rare for me to find someone like that, he was the only one. I worry I’ll never feel this way about someone else again. And I almost don’t want to feel this way about someone else again because I feel like this will just happen again too.

I guess I need to tell myself what my best friend told me: he’s not the person I fell in love with. He no longer exists. And that’s so heartbreaking too, because he was a wonderful person. I just feel like staying in bed and crying all day. I don’t know how I can ever be happy again.

I think he needs to be by himself and figure things out, too. Because in all honesty I think any relationship he has right now is going to fail. And plus, their whole relationship is built on his lies. I’m sure she’d be whistling a different tune if she knew 2 weeks before they left for FL I was in his bed and he was trying to sleep with me.

That’s awful but that says something about her character that she found out about the lies and is still into him. I am VERY confident my ex hans’t told this girl about me and what he was up to while he was supposed to be planning that trip with her, because he’s a huge coward. If he was downplaying his relationship to her any time I brought it up, and has been virtually silent about his plans with her toward his friends, then yes I’m very confident he hasn’t been honest with her. Nothing but lies. That speaks VOLUMES about how he truly feels about the relationship. And it says so much about her that his friends, the people who know him best, like me over her. Somehow they got the impression she was going to use him, and that doesn’t come from nowhere.

I honestly think, since he failed the CFA, he’s having a complete quarter-life crisis. He has wanted to be in finance since he was in 3rd grade, bought a house here because he hated moving and wanted to put in roots. Now he suddenly wants to open a gym and not be in finance, and wants to move again. I think he’s just desperate for change. One thing doesn’t go right in his life, so everything else is wrong too. I wish he would just take a step back, calm down, take some time to himself, do some soul searching, begin career changes where he is now (get a new job or tackle this gym idea), and maybe take a week or two to travel somewhere with one of his brothers or one of his friends. But I genuinely do not think he is in his right mind, and neither does anyone I tell about this.

I’m a little better today. I ran scenarios through my head last night about what, if anything, he could possibly say to me, and as of right now nothing he could say would make me forgive him and give him another chance. This could change in a few months when my wounds aren’t as fresh, but right now… it’s definitely not happening.