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Yes she does sound controlling and that she has you on her hook. That is why you should do NC to take some of the control back.
People can change if you give them space and time. I used to be cold and selfish towards my ex not long after the breakup but I changed my view. It says on this site that what people say are not necessarily what they think. My ex told me that she has made her final decision and she does not see a future with me but I don’t think she believes that.
I know how you feel with not wanting to do NC because my ex has friends that she talks so I’m worried that NC won’t have much of an impact. But after trying other ways to get her to change her mind I took the plunge and told her that I want to create distance between us.
Sounds like you are trying to rush the process. Have you taken the time to work on yourself? The elephant in the room text is meant to tell her how much you had changed.
I would recommend a hand written letter. It’s more personal and tells you that you have put effort into it.
She has been talking to my mum. According to mum, my ex sounds tired, presumably from working and looking after the kids by herself.
I do feel for her but that is the effect I want for her; give her the breakup that she wanted.
She just contacted me on facebook concerning plans for our public holiday next weekend. I am planning on staying at the house with the kids while she goes and stays at a friends. The next day all of us, including my family, are going to mcdonalds for our son’s birthday. She asked if it was OK for her to come along and I said that’s fine.
The weekend after our son and his friends will be going flip city for his birthday party and I said I would come too.
The messages kept on topic and did not get personal. Should I be worried that she is OK with going to stay at a friends place while I am there?
She did it because she doesn’t want the reminder and is trying to move on with her life. I know that is something that you don’t want to hear. It fills me with dread, picturing her with another guy but it can be a good thing because it will make her realize what she is missing.
Since she is a strong user of social media then I too would advise that you unfriend her. It would feel like the final nail in the coffin but it would be a hard reset for you on social media.
I feel strong emotions too. It is a good thing and it is OK to feel those as it means that you still care. The important thing is to stay in control of those. That will impress her.
I know exactly what you are going through. There was a post about me and my ex on holiday together and one day I find it had disappeared because she removed it. That was a real kick in the guts. But that pain passed. As Seth said NC is a roller coaster.
So you have been in NC for just over a month? I would give it longer, perhaps two months or more. I’ve been in NC for just a week and 30 days seems daunting but I’m planning for longer. She sounds like she does have feelings for you still but is determined to stick with her decision so she doesn’t have to admit that she was wrong or to make sure that she is not hurt again. Eventually those walls will be worn away.
I know how it feels to live with someone like that. My ex suffers from depression and for years it was a roller coaster. She went through a few counselors and onto medication (which took quite a long time to get the correct medication and the right dosage). By that time it had taken a toll on me and I had to take medication. I think for now live with the weed and drinking, as long as it’s not putting anyone in danger. Later on try and bring up seeing a specialist. Your primary goal for now is getting back together with her.
Yeah I went on a few coffees and got semi-serious with one woman but nothing lasted. My heart just wasn’t in it so I gave up and deleted my dating profiles. She watched me do that so hopefully that made an impact. My ex and I have been through a lot too and the bond that you strengthen after you have been through those tough times are not easily broken and forgotten. Over time she will forget the bad times and remember that you were there for her and would not give up on her.
If you are making changes for yourself then that’s great. If she is making changes too than that is even better. By the time you come to breaking NC you should both be in a great position to start again. I would think that a hand written elephant in the room letter would be perfect. There are examples somewhere on this site.
You are doing well. There will be some setbacks but just keep on keeping on.
I think telling her how much you loved her was a mistake. It said to her that you are doing all this to get her back. But never mind now so I think take NC from when you said that. You said you never really talked since a few weeks ago. Does that mean you have spoken to her since then? If so then what was it about?
Has she been to see a specialist for her condition? Self medicating is never a good idea. Especially with alcohol. How much does she consume?
I know how you feel with looking for others. I had a try to see who else is out there but I don’t want any of it. I love her and the kids. I won’t be happy with anyone else.
I haven’t seen the kids for a week. I am planning on seeing them next week.
Yes the counselors were individual. I found that they worked for a short period of time then lost their effectiveness. That is why I tried medication which did work.
Yeah the first time was she contacted me because one of the kids was sick and she updated me. She then told me that one of our other kids have come down with a fever. So a few days later I asked how he was and she sent a reply. I don’t plan on contacting her for a few more days. She knows that I care about our kids.
It’s been a week already! On Wednesday she spoke to me about the kids. She sent several messages concerning them then the conversation turned away from them so I ignored those last two messages, and sent one final message saying goodnight. I texted her yesterday, asking about the kids which was a short conversation.
It is not easy.
She seemed pretty adamant that she does not want to get back together and that she is moving on with her life. But she also said that a small part of her regrets the separation so hopefully the seed of regret is already there.
If I bring up marriage counselling now I know she will turn it down. We both have had our fair share of counselors and they haven’t worked well. But, when the time is right, I will bring it up.
Yes that’s exactly what happened to me. It was a long time coming for her but not so much for me.
She is strong willed and not stupid so I hope NC is having an effect on her too. I’m already thinking that it should go longer than 30 days.
NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Definitely no contact. She has you on her hook and that is where she wants you. Stay strong!
She said that she was miserable near the end of our relationship and would be again if we got back together. But that could be because I have been hanging around in the background and reminding her of things.
Losing weight is my idea. I have been meaning to do that for a while but I have only just got around to it. I figured it would be a way to show her that I have changed.
Her issues with me are communication and how I was when she was going to rough patches herself and I agree with both of those. As I said before, I could handle her rough patches, initially, but years of them wore me down to the point where I suffered depression too. She had another male friend who provided the emotional support that I failed to provide. Not long after she announced the separation she said she had feelings for him but does not anymore.
I have been going to stay there when she has had to work at nights and I have done things around the house which she appreciated. But touch is her love language and she has said that she doesn’t want me to touch her in any way.
Yes I live close enough where I can have the kids for weekends but it is easier to look after them at the house rather than here as there is more to do there.
