roarimabear

Don’t pretend. It doesn’t bother you. You’ve been told from multiple sources that he’s all talk with no reality to back it up. He’s trying to get you to come back to him the easy way (With the “I miss you”s, the crying, and the apologizing) by making you so jealous that you snap, giving up all control you have over the situation (Imagine if you DID let all of this build up, leading to an enormous display of genuine emotion on your part, only to be met with a “No” and smug grin on his face). Alternatively, if he’s so insecure that he feels as though he has to pad his “reputation” with loads of bullsh*t in order to get your attention, then you’re left in the position of control, and if the day comes that he actually gets ballsy enough to ask you back out, you can, of course, say yes (or “No” with a smug grin on YOUR face).

Sounds like my last relationship. First thing I did was get a new job. I increased my gym activity to “excessive” level (It’s not like I wasn’t working out before, I just devoted much more time and effort into it post-relationship). I started going out and being social within 2 weeks of the actual breakup (I admit, I was a complete wreck for the first few days). In a sense, I did these things for all of the wrong reasons (I wanted to improve everything all at once, and win my ex back quickly), but eventually I realized that I should be doing those things for me; I already had the good habits, I just needed a mentality change.

Cry all you need to; someone very important to you has exited your life, I can’t think of a more genuine reason to cry. Time makes it better. For now you need to become content with the idea that you might never actually get her back, but you haven’t locked the door and thrown away the key. You’re not going to GET her back with the way things are now. Some people know what they want, and always appreciate a good person when they have them. Others, (to no fault of their own) are inherently fickle and WILL NEED that opportunity to explore before they’re willing to settle down with somebody. Since you said you were first lovers, the “lack of exploration” might have always been eliciting questions in the back of her mind like “If I’ve only experienced a relationship with him, how do I REALLY know if he’s the one?”

Two months no contact is a good start, but you need to stop carrying the weight that is the hope that you’ll be back together any time in the near future. Give her a chance to get out there and explore to her heart’s content (And try to look the other way, because keeping tabs on her and her new relationships is a surefire way to hinder the healing process). Maturity doesn’t come over a few months; it can take years. One day, you could possibly end up in each others’ lives again, and your relationship would be all the better because of this. However, you need to stop thinking of this as the light at the end of the tunnel, and move it over to the “back burner” of your mind while you heal.

Rebound is a rough term, especially since there was some distance between you and her. Don’t take this too hard, but your meet ups were probably her trying to decide between you and the other guy. He was most likely “around” since your first period of NC (especially if she was reaching out, and you weren’t responding), and the two meetings you guys had helped to smooth over the transition from you to the other guy (just like the above poster mentioned).

I see a lot of girls rebound within days of “officially” ending a relationship (Not that it can’t happen to guys, but I feel as though the extra attention and special treatment a guy can give a girl can cause her to fall for him during her state of vulnerability). In fact, you can probably find just as many (if not more) threads on the internet saying essentially “I like this girl, but she has a boyfriend.” As soon as word got out that she was no longer in a relationship, she was probably swarmed with attention and was able to pick and choose whoever she wanted. Chances are, she didn’t just go pick up rebound guy out of a crowd; he was most likely a “friend” or acquaintance that happened to be in the right place at the right time.

If you choose not to attempt to move on, you are now forced to assume the position of pining onlooker just as this guy was before your relationship ended. That’s why it’s advisable that you just assume indefinite NC until the day comes that she sincerely reaches out to you.

Try not to think about it too much. I know that the first week (maybe more) you will fervently hope that every one of your notifications, phone calls, texts, etc are from her, yet none of them will be. The hardest thing to figure out as a young twenty-something (you’re 19, this still applies) is that young adult relationships last MONTHS (which can eventually constitute years) rather than the weeks that they spanned in high school.

It’s funny that the stereotype is that “men are afraid of commitment.” My viewpoint certainly is limited, but I have a good number of female friends that confide in me (Not to mention a shining example of an ex) that break up with their boyfriends because they feel as though their freedoms are being threatened and would rather hop from guy to guy because they’re unsure if “he’s what they’re looking for.” I have far less male friends (and by that I literally mean maybe one) that I see bringing around different girls on a regular basis. It may just be a phase that girls experience in their late teens and early twenties (I can’t say I know that many older couples to give solid data), or it may be a result of modern society’s willingness to replace anything and everything that gives them even the slightest bit of trouble (We lease cars, and replace our cell phones, computers, other gadgets at least once every few years. Why should partners be any different?).

I’m not saying all women are like this (and that men aren’t), but I have noticed that this is certainly the most popular reason for breakups in recent times.

What I find to be the most flawed reasoning behind all of this is the “she wants to enjoy going out and being able to do things with out [you] pinning her down.” Shit, she could be doing all of that stuff she mentioned, aside from what would be considered blatant cheating, and you’re not actually THERE to keep her from doing anything.

My ex said the same thing, even though she was regularly going out and partying on a whim. She’d report back to me when things happened that she thought I wouldn’t be OK with (She wasn’t cheating or anything, but there are always times when girls are being persistently hit on, etc), but I never got angry and outright told her that she was fully welcome to keep those things to herself, because I trusted her completely, and really wasn’t surprised that my attractive girlfriend was an object of attention. Yet, I was still “holding her back” or “dragging her down.”

The distance has a lot to do with it, as being tied to your phone at a social event rather than being hand in hand with your SO does seem a bit crippling. However, I repeatedly told her that a “I’m going out. I’ll talk to you in the morning” text was more than enough (you can probably relate), so I can’t see what was so awful.

Barring all judgement, I’d love to hear a woman’s perspective on this sort of situation, because I haven’t really gotten an objective opinion on the matter, yet. I’ve asked quite a few girls about it, but they’re all MY friends biased towards ME, so the story always ends up being along the lines of “your ex was immature and didn’t know what she was giving up.”

I read your entire other thread, and I think that it’s best if you let her reach out to you. There are a good many reasons for this:

1. You’re going to see her in the fall. You talked about the possibility of being friends. If you reach out to her, you’ll find yourself going through the nuances of a regular friendship at first (adding on social media, maybe slightly increased contact, attending the same parties/events). However, real friends aren’t going to intentionally do or say things that hurt you. For example, two opposite gender platonic friends that have always been that way can easily confide in each other about problems with their current girlfriend/boyfriend. Since you two dated in the past, these types of conversations generally don’t fly, because they tend to bring up emotions from the past in one person or the other, or both (In theory, you could both TOTALLY get over each other, be just friends, and actually talk about this stuff. However, I think that happens very rarely, and will only probably happen years down the road when you both have happy relationships with new SO’s.) So, if she DOES happen to start seeing this rebound guy again, you want no part of it. Ignore it as best you can (jealousy sucks), and if she has the gall (or the naïvety) to start complaining to you about him, just stop her right there, tell her to “Dump his ass, if he’s that bad,” and then just end the conversation.

2. If she actually cares for you, but chooses to have a relationship with this other person, she shouldn’t reach out to you – she should leave you alone. If she reaches out to you, and basically rubs the other relationship in your face (ie: “Hey, would you like to come to a party with some friends and my boyfriend?” That may be a bit direct, but it illustrates the point), then you should leave her alone, and ignore her attempts to make contact. Sooner or later she’ll figure out that you want nothing to do with her other relationship, and may even apologize. After that relationship ends, she’s fair game, but at that point I wouldn’t blame you for not wanting her back.

3. I’d say her rebound relationship can actually beneficial for you (and her), if you have the patience (That doesn’t mean closing off the possibility of a different relationship for you), because it will let her get to know herself better. Different people have different dynamics, and after the honeymoon phase, negative emotions towards him that you never elicited from her might start to surface. She’ll get to know herself better, and she may decide that you are actually a much better fit for her than this other guy.

4. You said in one of your posts that you’re graduating in the near future. I’ve found out the hard way that logistics can ruin a perfectly good relationship outright. You say you’re at least doing one more semester (fall), so you have some buffer time. If she reaches out to you, and the other guy isn’t in the picture, go ahead and start testing the boundaries (Flirt a little. Maybe a friendly get together, followed by a date, and then hopefully another date, etc), because you really want to reconcile before one or the other of you has to relocate. Generally when couples graduate, they do some coordinating in order to make the relationship work (IMO extended LDR’s don’t work; there’s always exceptions, but this is a good rule of thumb). If she agrees to live with you, then that’s a good indicator that she’s matured a bit, has her shit together, and knows what she wants.

5. Some places treat their interns like shit, some boyfriends (“Guy that she’s talking to.” you know, the one that she texts good night to every night) do too. Scenario: You reach out to her and find that she’s changed in a negative manner over the course of the summer (Hopefully she won’t reach out to you, if this is the case), and you no longer want anything to do with her. She won’t understand this, and it might actually make her angry. This would probably clear up any remaining emotional attachment you had toward her (However, the converse is not true), which would inherently solve your problem even if the outcome was not what you were hoping for when you wrote this post.

Other bits of advice:
Do stuff! Do interesting stuff! That way you have a lot of stuff to talk about when the “So, how did your summer go” conversation occurs.

Exercise (if you don’t have one already, a healthy physique will make you more attractive for her, and everyone else too. Win win.).

Ignoring her in a class where you would normally socialize with her (Idk if you have a set of mutual friends or not) is NOT the same thing as waiting for her to reach out to you, and will regarded as downright rude. I think this is obvious, but I figured I should just cover it quickly anyway.

Some people are naturally very friendly and cordial. Statements like “You did a really great job!”, “Wow, you’re looking muscular,” and “Congratulations! I’m proud of you.” does NOT necessarily mean she still has romantic feelings for you. It’s hard NOT to be nice to someone you were once in love with (assuming the relationship didn’t end in a disaster, which I don’t think is the case here), even if you aren’t anymore. The romance part goes away, but the compatibility doesn’t. For example, my mother has been happily married for 30 years, and has still been exchanging christmas cards and emails with a friend (who is an ex-boyfriend) ever since I can remember.

Remember this:
You are a male. You are probably far less capable of understanding the emotional motivations behind what your ex says and does (The curse of being a guy), so friendly behavior like I mentioned in the previous paragraph might end up sending mixed signals to you, but she’ll be completely oblivious that she did so.

Sorry for the novel, I tried to label the chapters 😛

TLDR: Wait for her to come to you.

Go to college. Have fun. Live your life. You’ll be in pain for some time, but eventually things will sort themselves out. The phrase “out of sight, out of mind” applies here, I believe. When the next semester starts, and you have the chance to start seeing each other once again, her promise to her dad may not hold up for very long.

Furthermore, ultimatums like that (especially when you haven’t done anything VERY wrong, like cheating) imply a degree of immaturity. Either, her parents still exert a strong degree of influence over her (and it was actually THEIR decision for you two to break up), or she’s not old enough yet to understand how dramatically things can change over relatively long periods of time (A promise never to date you again really should hold no water in 5 years, if you catch my drift).

I know it’s hard to go from waking up next to someone, every day, to essentially being alone, but just surround yourself with good friends, get some hobbies, start working out, etc. You’ll feel better; and when you feel better, you’re more appealing.

To be honest, it’s possible he wasn’t looking for you to kiss him back. I have a particular ex that I have a mutual agreement with NOT to get back together with YET, that I still kiss on the forehead to let her know that I care about her. To me, forehead kisses are like apologies and comforting gestures that make the receiver feel really safe and cared for, and don’t necessarily come with the romantic connotation that a lip kiss does.

The experience you described sounds like a really nice one, and if I had been the guy in that situation, I would have thought the day went over well and would not be questioning why you didn’t return forehead kisses. At the same time, it’s pretty clear he still has feelings for you.

Feel free to return the favor and invite him to do something fun. There will be a time and a place for the “us” talks, but I don’t think they have to be right yet. Just get to hanging out and enjoying each other’s company again. Since he left you worth the reason “I want to see other women,” jumping right into any sort of commitment talk is not advisable. However, if he brings it up, feel free to say everything that’s on your mind.