fanchondo

It seems to me (and i could be wrong) that having you there as she is, isn’t causing her to miss you. NC is meant to cause the other to experience separation anxiety. But she isn’t feeling this because you are there. Maybe when she gets down and distant those are the moments that she is struggling with not truly moving forward or moving on. She loves you because she continues and its obvious you love her…maybe what you need to do is calmly and directly tell her that you think you need to give her space, let her know that you won’t be texting or calling because you want her to reflect on what she wants, either start the process of moving forward or the process of moving on. That you also need to reflect and work on yourself. Maybe at this point (although it will be painful for you) she starts feeling the anxiety of not having you around. With anxiety comes fear and then desire. She’ll start missing you, reflecting on what you mean to her. At some point NC needs to truly be applied but in a calm manner. Dont tell her that you’re frustrated, sad, depressed but instead by saying I’m going to so this you show strength and confidence…which is all attractive. She may still reach out during the early stages but unless its significant don’t respond or be short with the response. She needs to realize that at some point she might lose you completely and right now by still being around…she hasn’t lost you.

I don’t agree with Patricia12. You aren’t emotionally ready to date, even if it’s casual. You apparently need to work on yourself first, give yourself the time to grieve and grow. Give yourself the chance to face your demons and fix whatever underlining issues within you. We all have issues and we all have things we need to work on. There is a reason the relationship ended, if you contributed to the break up then you need to acknowledge it and sincerely work on that. But if you didn’t contribute to the relationship breaking apart then you must wonder why are you wanting to get back with someone that needs to work on their own issues. Chances are you both contributed and you both need to work on your own identity during this No Contact portion. Dating doesn’t help but you are using it as a deflection. You are deflecting and not facing your fears. I know it’s scary…LORD I KNOW!!!! but you need to face it, you need to learn who you are and not use the company of another man to deflect. During this No Contact and Contact time since my ex broke up with me…I have gone to dinner alone, gone to the movies alone, go on walks alone, gone hiking alone, gone to church alone….I do post some on social media (but I always post on social media) I’m learning who I am alone. I’m learning my value and working on those things that caused the relationship to diminish. Because the truth is that this relationship with this man you love might work and then again it might not. I may get back with the woman that I deeply love and then again it might not happen (I’m really hoping it does)…but what I’ve come to realize is that the relationship with MYSELF is so much more important. It’s the foundation that will set the success of the relationship if we get back together or it will be the foundation set for any future relationship. Sometimes we need to just be alone and work on ourselves…..Good luck. Keep fighting

Big question….do you want him back? Sounds like what you want is an apology, an acknowledgement that he did wrong. But in the end you really don’t want him back. Some people will acknowledge their mistakes and some people won’t. You have no control over someone else’s desire to apologize but you do have control how you respond to that lack of apology. Have you been to therapy? There is nothing wrong with seeking help. Seems like you have low self-esteem….because you allowed the hurtful words of this man to dominate your life (we all do that, we all allow the words of another to dominate in our lives)….But if you do love him then maybe this email is an indirect/direct attempt of reaching out to you. Maybe he feels remorse for what he did to you but doesn’t know how to apologize.

I would suggest (just my suggestion) since this is work related, you might just email him back and say that you would rather not meet and they can communicate via email on what ever it is you need to work on. If he asks why, then you directly tell him that his words wounded you and you’re not ready to meet up with him face to face. Maybe this gives him the window that he is seeking to apologize. BUT an apology are meer words at the end of the day, if you want this to work with him or not…You need to fix what was broken in you. Much Love

Sounds like the break up was mutual. You both lived your lives for 1.5 years and hopefully grew emotionally during that time. So why wait…the physical attraction is there…where does it say that a woman can’t contact a man? A simply, Hi, how’s your day going? Means a lot to a person. Have courage….

I’m no expert but I feel you’re giving up within yourself too quickly. The pain of what has happened is something she is having to deal with. It’s true, we need to give the ex space but more importantly we need to work on ourselves, we need to focus on our needs and our fixes. I know you love her and regret your mistakes so it’s time to prove it, keep going to therapy. Continue NC unless she reaches out but don’t respond by seeming needy (I miss you, I want us back…etc), respond by demonstrating growth. I would definitely not send the parents a wine bottle or email…This is the time for you, for you to learn and grow. I truly believe you have a great chance to get back, but that depends on your growth. As within So without…I’ve been repeating these words daily to myself. If I want my ex to see a change then I must fix within so she can see. It’s not enough just to say it…but its a slow and focused process. Your relationship didn’t get here overnight nor will it be repaired with wine bottles, emails and won’t happen suddenly. But it will with time, effort and a commitment to YOURSELF. At the end…you may lose her and then again mostly likely you won’t but what’s more important is that you gained YOURSELF. Prayers your way buddy.

She has told you to give her space, she has told you all the things you did that made her unhappy…but instead of truly listening to her words. You do the opposite. It’s natural, you’re currently having separation anxiety and I completely know the despair that comes with it. You didn’t see her before and now that she’s not there…YOU SEE HER!!! but she’s absolutely right. She cried herself to sleep because of you, she wanted you to change or make some attempt and you didn’t…why is she suppose to believe you now. Seriously, remove yourself from your pain and sadness and put yourself in her shoes…would you believe your own words if you were her? If you are honest with yourself, you’d probably answer no. I don’t say this to preach down to you because the truth is I’m in the same situation. I said the same things, I’ll change, I’ll be better…I finally see you…I went down the list and said I’ll change x,y and z…Her response was why now..why after all this time are you going to change? I tried to explain because I finally truly realize what I had with her. Your words and my words may be 100% sincere…but my friend they are mere words. She has put thought into this decision and if she loves you (don’t know more details about your relationship, the time etc…) but let me assume she loves you, then love doesn’t just end. It takes time to completely go away but even then it never diminishes. She is grieving, she’s angry and resentful…and she has every right to feel this way. Think of it this way…in the relationship she begged for changed and nothing…you didn’t respect her and thus didn’t love her. She struggles with this decision and breaks off the relationship. I actually have a lot of respect and admire my ex’s strength for ending our relationship. I know it wasn’t an easy decision but she found the strength to do so (that is courage, that takes strength). So you ex breaks it off and then you finally see!!! and you tell her I’ll change…Can you actually see how those words can be hurtful and disrespectful…You waited until she had to make this painful decision for you to wake up!!! Again I did the same immature mistake. So you keep texting, trying, and you keep pushing her further and further way. You grow more anxious and with anxiety comes fear and the desire for her increases and so you push harder and she pushes back harder…do you see the cycle? You’re fearful that she’ll find someone new. Reflect on that…really think about what you’re saying. Are you saying she’s the type of woman that will jump from one relationship into the arms of another man so quickly? Are you saying, I don’t want her with anyone but me even though I’m not worthy of her and wasn’t willing to make the relationship work? If so, you have control issues…Even if she should go on a date, talk to a guy whatever…it doesn’t mean you are completely out of her mind. It doesn’t mean there is no chance. AND if she does and if there is a Chance that you both get back…YOU NEED TO NOW prepare yourself that you will NOT question her, not concern yourself with what she did. It doesn’t MATTER.

My suggestion is this…STOP, back off and go to NO CONTACT completely. She’s telling you leave me alone and you don’t, you’re only allowing her to grow more resentful. Don’t promise her you’ll change, don’t say I’ll leave you alone for 2 weeks (WHAT makes you think that 2 weeks is what she needs, or that in 2 weeks you can really change…That’s immature thinking). You need to spend time on YOU. You really need to get therapy NOT for her but for you. You need to learn what issues you have and how to address those issues to make you a better man. It doesn’t take two week!!! You deserve to be the best you can for yourself. And if you get back with her then she deserves the best from you…if not, any future romance deserves the best of you. The most important relationship right now isn’t her but the relationship you have with yourself. YOU need to not see her but YOU need to see YOU. So stop, bite the bullet and stop contacting her. Don’t even text and saying, I’m going to stop (ugh you aren’t stopping by telling her you’re stopping and she already asked you to stop…see the craziness of this). Don’t text, don’t send snap messages, flowers..any cute romantic gestures are just going to make it more difficult for you. You need to vanish from her life. If she loves you (and I’ll assume she does), she’s going to wonder what are you doing? Are you going out? Are you moving on? It may take weeks or even months (there’s no set 2 week universal law), but she will think and wonder…this is the beginning of her Anxiety, with anxiety comes desire. In fact as time stretches and the anxiety rises, the negative memories begin to fade (Called Fading Affect Bias FAB) and what remains are the positive memories. She might start thinking she made a mistake…he wasn’t that bad because he did this or that for me, or he really did make me happy. She might start focusing more on the positive as the negative fades. While she goes through her own Separation Anxiety…You are focusing not on her but yourself, getting therapy (WE ALL NEED IT), you’re doing things for yourself, working out, meditate, go to church if you are a believer…What do you want to improve about yourself and then DO IT!!! I would suggest not to go on dates (you’re not ready), don’t go constantly clubbing and drinking…you can but in truth if you post on social media that you’re out there partying it up it can actually come across as pathetic. Let me give you an example: What shows more strength, more growth, more maturity…If you go out with friends to the club and post pictures of you drinking, dancing, hanging around women…or…You go on a road trip alone, go out to the mountains for a hike on your own, go the movies by yourself. Doing things you want by yourself not only helps you discover who you are and what’s important to you but also portrays a confident and growing man.

I know its painful to wonder what she’s doing or who she’s with or if she’ll ever come back. But you need to stop and starting focusing on yourself. You need to grow and discover who you are and become the best version…NOT just words or promises but true sincere effort that has no timetable. Maybe just maybe you’ll discover that she really isn’t the one for you or maybe if she is, you’ll be the best version of yourself when she does reach out. She will reach out…I’m more than confident she will but you need to stop Now.

Also slowly prepare yourself when she reaches out. You don’t want to sound pathetic, desperate, needy. You can’t just jump right back into this relationship. Neither one of you are the same, the relationship is different. It’s a time to slowly…rediscover each other without pressure, without stress….Maybe you can ask what to do when she does reach out. Good Luck…Keep us posted.