DON’T GIVE UP. There is always hope.

I wanted to share with you that there is always a chance. If there is love there is a chance. I won’t go into detail about my relationship (that would take a very long time) but I will share that we have been together 7 years. 5 of those years we have lived together, I moved in with her and her kids (and my daughter who I have custody also moved in). The relationship was wonderful, I loved her and continue to love her deeply and I know that she loved and continues to love me. But we made mistakes along the way, mistakes that allowed for resentment and anger to grow. We lost respect and trust along the way. But we always continued because….well we love each other…but sometimes love isn’t enough. It was a cycle that continued for a long period of time and we both were to blame for it. In the beginning of September, after a period of silence between us and me sleeping in another room…she came and tearfully asked me to leave. She stated she was done with the relationship and needed peace in her life. I had just dropped off my daughter at College and was hurting because of it plus was resentful of somethings that happened with my girlfriend and the trip we had just taken. I was ANGRY, how dare she do this to me at this point (what I thought was the saddest point in my life), I agreed and moved out On September the 5th. I went to stay with my brother until the apartment I was renting would be ready (Oct. 5th). I was so angry with her that we didn’t want to have anything to do with her….the first we didn’t communicate…Midway through week 1 she started to text me that I had mail, that her daughter cried when she found out I moved out (I’m very close to her kids), that I took something that I needed to return (which I did but was under the impression I could) so I became more angry and those conversations didn’t go well. I didn’t realize that she was reaching out, that she was struggling with her decision. I instead became defensive. I started thinking about getting out there, calling up female friends, just moving on with my life…I was done, I was angry. During the next week she would reach out…we talked on the phone which didn’t end well. She shared with me concerns she had about what happened on the college trip, shared concerns she had with my daughter but instead of listening to her….I fell back into my destructive habit of becoming defensive, bringing up past mistakes made by her blah blah blah all the same immature habits that allowed for the cycle to continue. We hung up but again she later sent me a text and shared that she misspoke that she didn’t say what she truly intended to say and that it came out wrong….she tried to clarify what she meant to say (and I have to admit she was justified to feel the way she did, I just allowed my sadness of dropping off my daughter to blind me to what was happening), she ended the text by say, that she was considering asking me out the coming weekend but realized that it would be a mistake. This was my epiphany moment…I realized the problems weren’t just her it really was ME. In every relationship even if we are justified with our anger or hurt feelings…we can always reflect and see how we contributed to the problem. I read once: when anxiety increases so does our desire. And my Anxiety Increased and so did My Desire for her. It hit me completely hard, like a freight train…I LOVE HER!!! I DON’T WANT A LIFE WITHOUT HER. I didn’t really take a moment to reflect on my issues, I didn’t do any soul searching, I knew I had to change and I was willing to take those steps but I WANTED HER NOW!!! So the next week I smothered her, I sent her flowers, I wrote her a beautiful email…it was amazing. She always loved my words and I’m able to express myself really well. She always loved my words but what I didn’t realize was those times in the past the words were followed by action. This time around they were mere words. I was naive to believe (I literally believed) that she would read my words and come running back to me. Although every word I typed was sincere and a true reflection of the love that resonated within me, I didn’t realize that they were just merely words. The email went out and she didn’t read it until 3 days later. Her response was: I read your email today and I cried and cried. But what came to mind was where was all this weeks ago. The email was a bust. The flowers were a bust. I became more anxious, more desperate, more depressed. I couldn’t eat…lost a lot of weight in a short time because I would just go to the gym and try to not think of her plus not eating didn’t help. I felt like my life had no purpose…she was the only one I wanted. I’m not insecure, I don’t lack confidence. I know, as I stated earlier, I could call up some female friends…I could go out on dates etc….But I wanted HER only Her…she was/is the love of my life. Last Saturday was the lowest point of my life. Which was my mistake…We talked and I was DESPERATE, I BEGGED, I CRIED, I PLEADED, I didn’t everything you shouldn’t do. I did but I did it 10xs worse. I was pathetic, I was weak, I was…Ugh, It was bad. She even called my brother because she was concerned with me. But I had no Idea what to do, no direction, no support….Later that day I apologized to her, I told her that I was pathetic and all I demonstrated was weakness. I tried to justify it by sharing I was just so scared to lose her. One thing she stated which opened my eyes was: I’m not ready. She didn’t say she didn’t love me, didn’t say she was done with me…she said she wasn’t ready. I ended the text by saying I was sorry and if she was interested we could go to Church the next day. She responded: Church would be nice. Sunday came and she couldn’t go to church with me. I didn’t make a big deal about it…I told her I was going but if she wanted we could go to the movies later and sent her two options. She replied that she wanted to see a specific movie but couldn’t until a certain time. I told her I would purchase the tickets and would see her there. We hugged when she got there, we sat there, and I couldn’t help but stare at her. I thought all she had to do was see the sincerity in my eyes. We chatted a bit. The movie started and I reached out to hold her hand with little response from her. I asked her if this was too much and she said a bit. I removed my hand and just watched the movie. At some point she leaned over and placed her head on my shoulder…just for a bit. We would touch each other here and there…she would lean again her shoulder on me…after the movie we walked quietly to her car. She hugged me and started to cry, I asked her not to leave that we should go somewhere to talk, go get ice cream…I pushed for her not to leave…She kept repeating, I want to go home and sleep i’m exhausted. Instead of hearing her, I kept pushing. We parted ways but the moment I go into the car, I called her…she didn’t answer, I text her….she didn’t respond, I called again and again. I felt the anxiety rising and I was worried I was going to screw up again to I just went for a LONG drive. BTW this was this past Sunday. I got online and started reading material on No Contact…watching videos that shared different views but with the common theme. Give them Space, give them time, don’t reach. My GOD it was going to be so difficult to do that. I was afraid the moment I would stop she would drift away. But the more I read and the more I watched the more it made sense to me. She loves me…and the process of breaking the relationship was a difficult process which required a lot on her part. It wasn’t going to be resolved in a day or two. It was going to be slow, steady but with much needed focus. Focus not on her but focus on myself. I know what type of partner I was to her…and I wouldn’t want to be with me either. But I also I know the person I was before the mistakes we made…and I loved that guy. And this was the guy she loved. I realized that for this relationship to work or any future relationship to work, I needed to work on the most important relationship and that was the relationship with myself. I’ll be seeing a therapist soon, I started listing and evaluation my destructive habits, listing the things she did to hurt me but reflect on how I contributed to her mistakes. In a short time I took a deep dive into myself. Its only the beginning, I have a lot to unravel but for the first time in a long time, I’m taking those steps. I text her Monday morning if I could briefly call her….she agreed. I told her: I respect the reason why you ended the relationship. I actually respect your strength to do something that was difficult. I know I have been smothering you and not giving you any space, any time to reflect, any time to heat nor am I allowing myself to go through that process of grieving and growth. So I wanted to let you know that I won’t be texting you or calling you. Instead I’m going to use this time to find myself, fix what is broken and grow into the person I know I can be. (she said we both need to do that). I again said I was going to give her space and apologized for my actions of late. I ended the call by saying I love you and she said she loved me too. That was Monday morning….I didn’t text her the whole day. Tuesday I was silent and so was she. Wednesday…silence again until 8:30 at night. She text: I constantly think of you but then your silence truly bothers me.
She reached out…I normally would have jumped on this but waited a while…thought of my response. Viktor Frankl said: “Between an event and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.
I responded: I understand that in the past that I hurt you with my silence. I’m sincerely sorry for that. I want to give the space that you deserve and the time for me to reflect and work on myself. I’m here if you ever want to talk.
Today we have text back and forth but not about us….don’t make it about the relationship. We just chat…we are relearning each other. There is hope…you just have to work at it. But more importantly work on you!!!!!! I’ll keep you posted.