brokenhearted123

oh no! Dragongirl was blocked!? that’s horrible.

And yeah in May I was slipping back a lot. Then I had a reality check and really realized I needed to work more on my issues. And I didn’t want to bombard him with so many messages so gradually I sent fewer It took a while but I eventually got to sending 0 and then after some of that I sent an email and he contacted. Yeah I hope we move really slow too because I don’t want either of us to slide back into what we easily have slid back into multiple times. Yesterday I wanted to keep sending messages asking to make sure he was gonna come over but I resisted and it (to my surprise) worked on. Going to be honest I did take an anxiety med lol It is prescribed to me though haha. I’ll email kevin about the email addresses! I saw he commented on the post x.x

I needed to take a break and learn on my own though bc not you but others were being so intense with me and I was letting that trigger my ocd. And my obsession. I admit I am not perfect and have some way to go and I am determined to get there even if it doesn’t work out for him. For a while he would add me, read my stuff, and delete me, so then I stopped giving him stuff to read and I didn’t call him out on it. Just tried to keep myself calm. It surprisingly work. In May we def were both not in a healthy place and we will see if we can start working on stuff now. I hope so although I know we still have to work on us individually as well. Yeah neither one of us were ready. That was a huge mess! I literally had a terrible panic attack and then I started getting myself together and distracting myself, seeing friends, getting to know some friends more, visiting my NEW BABY NIECE BORN JUNE 11. She is beautiful 🙂 and getting more help for myself

Hi guys, I took a long break from this blog and did some serious work on myself

@dragongirl @finntoga this message is for you. I didn’t really read all the comments I missed bc I don’t want to trigger anything.

Anyway, I began seeing a new psychiatrist and she diagnosed me with OCD. I am now on a new medication that helps treat that and it has helped a lot.

As far as my ex goes, a lot has gone on with that. I can tell you both more but I would prefer like directly to an email or something because you are the two I most trust.

Anyway, we needed more time than that month… two months ago I thought we had had enough time apart. I was wrong.

I finally saw him yesterday. We had even taken more time apart not really communicating.

It went really well. He had said he was coming over and of course I was getting anxious because of my trust issues and I decided I would NOT obsessively contact him or blow up his phone.

And guess what! It worked! He came over and it was good. We talked about our jobs and how things were going. I asked about things I had not been sure about because of those two girls posting crap about me and he and I talked about that. ONe of the girls who is apparently a friend of his sister knew I was looking at her stuff and posted crap just to instigate me, and yesterday he calmly answered me about that whole situation and I was shocked bc before he would have shut down. They are baby steps and the best communicating we have had in a while. He also spoke to me about his coworker and the things there. We talked about and caught up on other stuff as well.

Since I saw him I have only sent one picture on snapchat and then a comment about the picture. And that’s been it 🙂 I’m trying my best to be calm and control my anxiety. Getting diagnosed with OCD was kind of freeing, aactually.

Also to the people that said I have so many issues, etc etc and that he deserves better than me.. etc etc. I believe you need to be educated on mental health. He and I both have our issues and finally are working on them. It is not fair to just say because someone struggles with certain issues that the guy they love and have been best friends with for 3 year deserves better.

Anyway, while I still am not perfect, I remind myself that no one is perfect. My boyfriend and I are back together as of yesterday and I’m calmly waiting to break my needy persona I used to have and not let my OCD control me. I’m excited for what the future holds for us.

@dragongirl and @finntoga I would love to keep talking to both of you. this site kind of sparks my anxiety which is why I took a break. It fueled my OCD. So I may not be on here too much and at the same time, I would love to give you both updates.

@dragongirl I’m sorry you felt like this is one of the saddest stories you’ve come across. And I am happy that now steps are being taking in the right direction and improving our communication, us talking out issues and not shoving them under the rug, him staying calm. All good things. It took 3.5 months though… and after 1 I thought we were ready but boy, was I wrong. This has been a long process of self growth as well.

Also I come here to write things out Bc I have an eating disorder. If I didn’t express my fully exaggerated terrors and fears then it would eat me up and I would end up eating nothing or everything trying to numb myself. That is honestly why. @finntoga suggested a journal. I will do that. I honestly don’t need a response on some stuff it just helps me to get stuff out there. I don’t want to fall back into my bulimia.

So I didn’t read all of everyone’s post. @finntoga I read all of yours and I 100% agree w you 🙂

I don’t believe he has me as a plan B Bc of stuff we talked about. He literally wants no one else and has told me about this. Boy goes home and watches Netflix just like I do… Anyway I’m not just on his shelf. He does love me and I know that. He currently is angry and time will tell. Last week everyone said he had strong feelings and I don’t think much has really changed just usual fight happened and like finntoga said we fell back quickly. Anyway I feel a bit guilty Bc I hung out w a guy that likes me today and had a blast. He knows about the whole situation as well. Also no offense @between but you are in a situation of your own and I feel like that bias doesn’t help. Regardless I want to prove he doesn’t have me on standby Bc I know he does not. He simply is not ready and we both were immature and fell back. Also we talked last week and he talked about how long it has been and stuff about us moving forward which shows he still has viewed us as an item this whole time.

Anyway I’m gonna get off here for a while. I also feel like if anyone is not interested the first one to be not interested would be me.i have processed and expressed more than he has. Also he takes being a father very seriously and sets and example for his son who he has custody of. He doesn’t engage in relationships he’s not serious about anymore. He doesn’t play w people honestly he would be really hurt knowing that was assumed of him. He doesn’t keep people on the shelf. He has let every girl know if he will not pursue anything w her. He steps forward the moment he suspects anything. With me he has only said stuff about us back together and acted like we are. Anyway He communicated last week I’m the one he wants to be with. He couldn’t txt Bc he is using work phone..: that’s why it’s snapchat Bc it’s an app that allows you to text and does save the same ways. I’ve had a lovely day today and I know finntoga is right with what she said. His feelings for me should not be doubted. I think he is serious about getting back together and was not ready. He contacted me too soon Bc his heart couldn’t wait anymore. Anyways I will be fine regardless of outcome. I’m going to continue to work on myself. When he does txt me again which should be soon, I may or may not post it. Also this time I will respond less and not initiate like finntoga suggested. I don’t plan on coming back for a bit to help me get focused on other stuff so wish you well!

I think what everyone needs to keep in mine is that he did want to see me. The thing is I had gone off on him which upset him… and then he wasn’t over that yet so that’s what led to his cold behavior. Before that it wasn’t cold.. Only after I went off.

also I disagree that it’s doomed. We both have a lot of work to do. And his actions like not being able to stay away from me, adding me back, looking at all of my stuff… his heart and his mind are in two different places. His heart wants me but his mind is unsure bc of how it was before. Yes he loves me based on how he can’t stay away from me and things he told me. This ex knows my trust issues and wants nothing more than for me to trust him. I am incredibly good at catching people in lies and I have done thorough investigation and he is not lying. I’m creepily good with computers, I know my way to find stuff out. everything he has told me has ended up to be true. I no longer want to go back and forth about this because in my heart I know he loves me. I mean the guy last time I saw him kept saying it over and over again whispering it sweetly to me… and then one time I didn’t hear him and he said it back saying “I said I love you”
He also has said I know that he loves me and that I know that when he is angry he will come back when he is less angry. This has always proved to be true even recently he has shown this as well. Also I don’t understand how you can think he has no interest in you when he does.. he wasn’t ignoring me and he got cold when I upset him and I didn’t let him cool off. He also sent me a video explaining why he couldn’t see me when I asked.. and it was all true. In addition, people could have said the same to him that I’m not interested. Heck, I so many times refused to date him and would kiss him and such. Most people would say that I was playing him. In reality, I was not.

Also I did NC for a month… you must have missed that part. I am capable of it and I am strong. I have come a long way since the start of this. And my ex reached out to me bc he wants to get back together. However, my roomie and @finntoga were right that he wasn’t ready to talk. I didn’t listen and I went off on him, upsetting him more.

I do believe he will come back soon and will meet up with me in person. This time I’m going to make him ask though. We both have personalities where even if things are bad we hold on to each other… it’s not exactly healthy but this isn’t all cut and dry. Anyways, some of these replies aren’t helping my anxiety at the moment. While they are simply opinions, what I don’t like is opinions being listed as fact. And he is still the same person. He has anger issues. I’m okay with that bc he is working through them. He gets irrationally angry and shuts down, talks to no one… simmers if you will. While that is not healthy, little by little he has communicated what he really feels… like he did last week. Yeah, I’m sure you would say I should find a guy without those issues however one could say the same about me. I have an eating disorder that I’m in recovery for, anxiety, and depression. I act irrational sometimes and this man has always come back for me even if he gets so upset. We talked about trust issues last week too. I know that’s what hurts him and that’s what upset him Tuesday which led him to block me. It’s pretty much a 50/50 fault thing. My roomie has witnessed all this since the very beginning. She has seen both of us at our worst. She agrees it was not healthy and she was honest and said she felt like we were getting back in the cycle. She believes that he needs space and that he does have strong feelings for me still which can be supported by things he has said and him getting angry so easily… I’ve done the same. Yes, it is not healthy right now. But yes, we do love each other. We both cannot move on. We talked about it last week. He was still considering me as his gf even when not together. Once again, not saying it’s healthy I just am trying to broaden the understanding. @dragongirl put it nicely before when she said in roller coaster relationships there’s a lot of love.

The issue is can we work it out. Can we get over our past and start over and break this cycle.

@finntoga thank you for your honesty and expressing your feelings 🙂 I am trying my hardest. I agree a month wasn’t long enough… I should have listened to you last week when he came back yet again bc we knew he would. I know he does care for me and want me and love me. The issues is if we can both let go of anger and unhealthy cycle.

Also his comments about as long as we don’t lose each other and that stuff that he’s made before. I should just trust someone for once. I know it looks like a huge disaster right now and my insecurity is eating me up but i am going to make a bold move and say I believe he will add me and talk to me again. may take few days, may take 1-2 weeks. Even at the start of this evveryone was like he is done, there’s no way and I was like “no, he’s not” and i wrote myself a note well like to him saying how i trusted in him. So why do i trust in him at the worst times and not normally? and yeah he is acting like a jerk right now and i was starting to act irrational and needy. I dont know about him but I am not going to let those words define me. Like last week I bet he will come back but we will see. I just need to work on me bc I see where I slipped up

@dragongirl

thanks for that. It’s just his hot and cold stuff really confused me and then I felt I needed to take control and of course that back fired… Also his friends until further notice from last week I know he wants to be with me but I need to wait and respect myself and make him work for it which I did at the beginning of last week when he was the one always initiating and then by me “takin over” it restarted this mess.
And I know he is expecting me to contact him again and I already made mistake of adding him back so idk if he will accept me but I took snqpchat off my phone for now. I know he wants us and he wants me. He made that clear last week. And then I bombarded him. Wo it’s time I fully pull away not just halfway. I will not initiate and if he contacts me and I think he will (even tho insecurity says otherwise) then I will wait and respond not right away and then I will wait for him to initiate like he had been. Also upsets me bc when he re initiated contact he treated us like we were still together talking about how it’s been a while since we’ve been together. And so he needs to realize what when he says stuff about break ups what that really means too… That was another issue him saying that stuff when his heart wasn’t in breaking up. Now I’m just going to try to relax :/

I’m not gonna anymore no worries I know we are both pissed at this point and due to his anger issues and my anxiety issues I know the best thing I can do is nothing and pick up the pieces and show I am fine without him which I have been its just the not knowing his intentions that triggered so much insecurity Bc of him being Hot and cold. I know it’s probably his heart saying one thing and brain anothe tho. Like he added me yesterday immediately and he knew I want to work on us and start fresh. It’s just hard breaking this cycle. Trying to take deep breaths and trust my instincts that he will come back yet again and if he does I need to control myself better and respect myself so he respects me again