bguarino

So I never sent the email, but I did text her during the day voicing my displeasure, anger, and confusion about her statements.

Then in the afternoon she sent me a text saying she wasn’t going to see J, and I said “what do you mean?” and she said “well he hasn’t responded to my texts”. This made me angry because she hadn’t changed any plans, she was just venting her frustration to me at his lack of reply. In the end J did not show up at her friend’s house, and during the game she asked me to pick her up after the game because she was too drunk to drive. I arrived to pick her up and she was drunk, being obnoxious, ignoring me for the most part. Her drunken behavior combined with her actions over the past few days wore down my patience and on the drive home I was silent and cold to her. I felt used (for the ride) and angry about her and J.

When we arrived at my house she wanted to watch TV and I wanted to go bed. I told her she could watch TV, turned it on, and walked up the stairs to get ready. I should have known better because she does not like to be alone – and this child-like behavior is made worse when she has been drinking. She yelled up at me and I came back down stairs. However the damage was done and she started yelling at me, and then she grabbed her things and walked out the front door to “walk to her car” (her car at this point was 20 miles away and it was 10PM). I told her to stop and calm down, but it was useless she left. In total this was probably the 8th time she’s done something like that so I shouldn’t have been surprised. I waited a few minutes, shocked and angry, and then got into my car to try to find her.

After 10 minutes of searching I called her and she said she was fine and would go to sleep now. She wouldn’t tell me where she was so I had had enough and returned home. When I opened my porch door she was hiding in the corner, apparently having returned while I was out looking. She was now acting more child-like and acting terrified of me. She wouldn’t come in the house and I begged her to. After several minutes I gave up and told her the door would be unlocked. After a few more minutes she came inside.

Now what happened next is a bit of a jumble. I’ll my best to summarize.

– She laid on the couch and begged me to drive her to her car so she could drive home (I refused- she was drunk)
– She screamed at me to drive her to her car
– She said if she was my ex-gf I would have watched TV with her. I sarcastically said “you’re right oh my god how did you know” and she then repeated how she was right and screamed at me more. Stupid mistake on my part thinking a drunk person would get sarcasm.
– She told me she hated me
– She told me she loved me
– She told me she loved J and wanted to be with him
– She wanted me to hug her and hold her
– She flipped over the coffee table
– She screamed at me some more
– She told me she wasn’t drunk over and over
– She wanted her phone so she could call a friend to get her and started screaming (she had her phone in her pocket)

Somewhere during all of this I broke down and started to cry. I mean I really wanted it to work between her and I, and to me she was throwing it all away in her drunken state. After crying I was just angry with her and went upstairs to go to bed. All of this transpired over a 90 minute period. She followed a short time later and eventually we fell asleep.

I am looking for advice on what to do. This type of episode happened a lot during our relationship and it scared and hurt me to see it again last night. This morning she was apologetic, but I called her out for not really apologizing for some of the things she said and did. Then a short while ago she was texting me, very worried that I was cutting her off and wouldn’t let her get her belongings from my house later. I assured her I would, but was on the fence about us.

She called me and we spoke, and somehow she flipped the table and became very angry with me. Basically it was my behavior when we got home, me trying to punish her by taking away the TV show that caused all the problems. There is some truth in that, I was upset about her behavior at her friends and from earlier, and yes that did cause me to not want to watch the TV show, but I don’t know, that doesn’t seem 100% fair. So right now I don’t know what to do…

– Stay and work it out
– Involve her friends- write them a letter much this post so they understand. Her family is not very involved nor understanding and I don’t think could help her much.
– Leave her and just be done with it
– Some combination of the above

I am worried about what she is going to do tomorrow, but also how she went about it. I had to guess what she was doing, and only then did she tell me. She is literally expecting me to wait for her and be there when (and if) she comes back. I am thinking of sending her an email tonight.

Here it is so far… (Jon is her ex)

I do want to be with you and I do love you. But I am hesitant to say and show this especially after what you told me yesterday and tonight about needing to see Jon again. I do not want to expose myself to being hurt, but it’s already too late for that. From where I sit, if you know that you want to be with me, then there is no reason to see Jon. You say your mind is made up and if that’s true then you should already have closure. You shouldn’t even be talking to him if we’re working things out. You’re talking to him about “hanging out” and I had to guess you were going to see him. Were you even going to tell me? You were just with him physically a few weeks ago and you admit to missing him. How am I supposed to feel about that?

So go ahead and see him, hang out, get your closure (or not), but I am going to do my own thing now. Actions have consequences.

Too much?

so the whole thing with the ex can be found in the beginning of my break up tale. Basically I dated a girl from college, broke up, but then lived together for 5 years as friends. This girl has no family (no mother, no father, no living relatives) so instead of kicking her to the curb we made it work. There was financial reasons too, I lost my job right before the break up, and then after a few months she lost her job and couldn’t find one for 2 years. Well last year my exgf came along and immediately was jealous of our friendship.

So fast forward to last week, why did I bring up my college ex and her rebound? Well my ex-gf had been talking about her rebound guy, even after she said she wouldn’t. So when I asked her to stop one day, when she was talking about the sex they had, she said “he and I are just friends what’s the problem?”, so I said “what would you think if I was still friends with [college gf]” trying to illuminate the blatant double standard that she can have ex-bf’s as friends, guys she slept with last week, but I can’t even mention an ex-gf from 5 years ago. A girl I haven’t done anything romantic or sexual with in 5 years. She didn’t understand as usual.

Then last night my ex stated that me bringing up my college ex-gf last week means that I want her back. Just crazy shit in my opinion. I then said you keep talking about your rebound guy, do you want him back? “No, we are just friends”. Like seriously? Am I crazy here? I did not imply I wanted her back, I posed a hypothetical question to make a point.

Anyways, this morning she apologized, but I am still a little irked. We broke up over this college gf (who is not in the picture AT ALL) and I think I need to know if my ex is going to constantly bring her up. I need to test her too right? It would be one thing I was always talking about college ex-gf, but I don’t. The only person bringing the college ex-gf up is my ex-gf. She cannot seem to stop and all her questions she seem like traps to make me confess to still loving her.

Ok sorry for the ranting but it stresses me out. The solution to me is so simple – STOP TALKING ABOUT MY EX-GF! NO ONE ELSE IS BUT YOU! But when I said that in the past I wasn’t being considerate, so last night I had to hold back a lot.

there are two problems at the moment

1) Physical intimacy- She was reluctant to kiss or hold hands on the first few dates. She told me that she didn’t want to be a having been with another guy so recently and she wanted to make sure she was comfortable with me. This changed a few days ago when we hooked up and had sex one morning after she spent the night. Then it happened over the weekend, again after she spent the night. Both times she said I took advantage of her; she made these comments in a teasing manner with a smile, so I really thought nothing of them. Then after the first time we hooked up we started to openly kiss each other and hold hands, when walking around, greeting each other, etc. Felt like a couple again.

However this morning via text she said she was uncomfortable with how I wanted to have sex with her when she didn’t want to. She said she’s okay now but wanted me to know. Thoughts?

2) Her friends do not like me. Over these past few weeks I’ve learned a lot about my ex-girlfriend, things she kept from me about how unhappy she was. Some of the reasons were not my fault, but I certainly did not make matters better. These are things such as my ex bringing up my previous ex gf and starting a fight. Well her friends only saw her upset and I was to blame.

Bottom line is they do not like me and are against us getting back together, but will ultimately accept me if I make her happy. I know this because I wrote her closest friends an apology letter for my behavior during the breakup and she has shared with me their responses. They were not overly positive responses, but each friend left it as they would support her no matter what. This issue is weighing heavily on my ex’s mind and I am concerned it will force her to end our reconciliation. Right now we are more or less dating in secret to her friends; they know we hang out but do not know how much or if we are hooking up.

Would appreciate any thoughts you have… I feel like things are progressing better than before, but these two issues keep creeping up and I am not sure how to handle them to a successful resolution.

Thanks!

So to be honest I didn’t take anyone’s advice. Not that it wasn’t good advice, just didn’t feel right knowing everything I know about my ex. She needs attention and is also prone to depression and putting aside any romantic feelings or goals, I want her to be happy and whole. The past day or so I was there for her more for emotional support and yeah she might be using me, but I’d rather that than her hurting herself or something.

So the past two nights we spoke on the phone and she said she only wanted to be friends, and that I should date other people. That she was taking time for herself. I said fine that is probably for the best, especially for you, but then each morning I would wake up to good morning texts with a heart…

However she came over last night, asked if I had started talking to any girls, and I let her know I reinstated my dating profile. That seemed to make her jealous because she immediately wanted to cuddle on the couch while watching a movie.

So fast forward a little and we fell asleep together. The no touching rule was gone apparently and we held each other. Then this morning, and I will spare the explicit details, we hooked up. Nothing seemed to be wrong after or since, which is good. I am happy and she seems happy. She even said if I make her happy then her friends will have to accept me. We aren’t a couple or anything but it seems to be going that way. I do love this girl so much and have learned to accept her faults rather than lash out at them (such as leaving the shower set for the shower head rather than the tub spout). I think NC helped me a lot analyze my behavior and make me a better person.

So I asked a friend last night to go to the game with me. No response yet.

Then this morning at 5AM she sent me a happy birthday text, that I am great man and she wishes she could spent the day with me, but will see me tomorrow (pre-made plan because she staying in the city late). She then called me later in the morning to wish me happy birthday.

UGH. That is totally not friends only material, and my anger from last night is gone. Now I regret asking my friend to go to the game with me. I fear telling her I am taking someone else. I want the relationship to slowly build, but yeah I am cognizant of possibly being led on.

So the afternoon went better. She sent me upbeat texts and I responded. I picked her up from the train and we grabbed dinner. It was positive. On the drive home she mentioned that I would need to set things right with her friends via an email or letter, apologizing for the bad and thanking them for helping her during the relationship. Apparently she relied heavily on them without telling me.

I took this as a good sign, needing to set things right for our relationship. I agreed to do it.

She then left to drive home, and a few minutes called to discuss the apology, saying it would have to happen sooner rather than later. She then said “you don’t even know what they know”, and I stupidly said “please tell me”. She then began to list a bunch of past fights, she got more and more upset, saying I do not deserve a 2nd chance and she wants to starts fresh with someone new. She then took exception with my “cannot be just friends rule” saying I should accept us slowly slipping back into a relationship, not forcing it all at once with relationship or NC.

Honestly asking is that the choice when I say I cannot be just friends? Is taking it slow considered being “just friends”?

Thoughts?

she already reached out. via text. saying I can’t give you 100% because I don’t even know myself.