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I agree with ghost.
If it bothers you that she is friends with her ex, you need to wait until the relationship is on a more stable ground and then you need to bring it up to her. And the way you bring it up is – act depressed one day, wait for her to ask what’s wrong and then you tell her that it hurts you that she is still friends with her ex, but don’t tell her she can’t be friends with him, let her come up with that idea on her own.so the whole thing with the ex can be found in the beginning of my break up tale. Basically I dated a girl from college, broke up, but then lived together for 5 years as friends. This girl has no family (no mother, no father, no living relatives) so instead of kicking her to the curb we made it work. There was financial reasons too, I lost my job right before the break up, and then after a few months she lost her job and couldn’t find one for 2 years. Well last year my exgf came along and immediately was jealous of our friendship.
So fast forward to last week, why did I bring up my college ex and her rebound? Well my ex-gf had been talking about her rebound guy, even after she said she wouldn’t. So when I asked her to stop one day, when she was talking about the sex they had, she said “he and I are just friends what’s the problem?”, so I said “what would you think if I was still friends with [college gf]” trying to illuminate the blatant double standard that she can have ex-bf’s as friends, guys she slept with last week, but I can’t even mention an ex-gf from 5 years ago. A girl I haven’t done anything romantic or sexual with in 5 years. She didn’t understand as usual.
Then last night my ex stated that me bringing up my college ex-gf last week means that I want her back. Just crazy shit in my opinion. I then said you keep talking about your rebound guy, do you want him back? “No, we are just friends”. Like seriously? Am I crazy here? I did not imply I wanted her back, I posed a hypothetical question to make a point.
Anyways, this morning she apologized, but I am still a little irked. We broke up over this college gf (who is not in the picture AT ALL) and I think I need to know if my ex is going to constantly bring her up. I need to test her too right? It would be one thing I was always talking about college ex-gf, but I don’t. The only person bringing the college ex-gf up is my ex-gf. She cannot seem to stop and all her questions she seem like traps to make me confess to still loving her.
Ok sorry for the ranting but it stresses me out. The solution to me is so simple – STOP TALKING ABOUT MY EX-GF! NO ONE ELSE IS BUT YOU! But when I said that in the past I wasn’t being considerate, so last night I had to hold back a lot.
No you should let your feelings out here. It’s ok. It will make you calm.
You know what you should do next time she brings up her ex/x? Just cancel a plan that you would have with her or when you are spending time together, be a bit more distant. You are absolutely right in the sense that you are more than friends right now and her bringing up her ex/x for any reason is just sabotaging that, even if that is just for testing you. When she does that, take away your attention. But avoid any argument or discussion over that. That’d set the progress back.
1. Show no jealousy about her ex/x.
2. Avoid talking about your ex/x (at least for some time until waters are calm)
3. If she brings up those childish things again, then just show no interest to talk about it. And move your attention to something else. Verbal confrontation is a big no. Let your actions speak and she should conclude herself that you are uncomfortable with it, and she should cease talking about it.So the past few days have been good, aside from being sick, we have been hanging out acting very much like a couple.
Friday night she said she has to hang out with her ex one more time to see if there is anything there. I played cool and told her to do what she wants.
Earlier in the day on friday she had changed our plans for Sunday to hang out with her girlfriend, and after she said the thing about her ex it got me thinking… And I was guessing she was really hanging out with him.
Then tonight (Saturday) i was going to drive her home and I said I can drive you anywhere. She said what do you mean? I said you know I mean… And then she admitted that she was seeing her ex tomorrow in a group setting at her friends house. She said they had been texting and both admitted to missing each other and she wants to see if the spark is still there. She told me this over dinner and when she finished I got up and stated the dishes without a word.
She then got worried about me, asking if I was mad, saying she wants to be with me, etc. She said she wouldnt go if I said so. I told her she should go.
On the drive to her house she got upset that I wasn’t fighting more for her and she said maybe she should give her ex another chance.
Then after I dropped her off she called me and apologized and then she said “I love you” which threw me off balance and i said nothing back, which pissed her off. I tried to explain that it’s not fair given what she said earlier. She said that I should wait for her and show how much I want to be with her.
Anyways that’s pretty much how we left it. Supposed to talk more tomorrow… Thoughts?
Good going. You are slowly gaining the power. She’s gonna come back BEGGING for your attention. The “I love you” was the first step.
The fact that you kept your cool about her rebound test showed big maturity. She is still in that stage ‘I wanna do my own thing’. So let her do her own thing. And absolutely have no interest to fight over it. If she thinks you are not fighting enough for her, show no interest to talk about it. You are being too nice to her, and she will eventually realize it, that is if she didn’t lose you by then because of her shenanigans.
I will reiterate. If she starts pulling away and seem distant, don’t chase her. That is a big no. You should reciprocate her actions, and be cold towards her. The moment you lower your shield and start being a doormat for her again, she is gonna play harder to get. But I think this is obvious by now.
I am worried about what she is going to do tomorrow, but also how she went about it. I had to guess what she was doing, and only then did she tell me. She is literally expecting me to wait for her and be there when (and if) she comes back. I am thinking of sending her an email tonight.
Here it is so far… (Jon is her ex)
I do want to be with you and I do love you. But I am hesitant to say and show this especially after what you told me yesterday and tonight about needing to see Jon again. I do not want to expose myself to being hurt, but it’s already too late for that. From where I sit, if you know that you want to be with me, then there is no reason to see Jon. You say your mind is made up and if that’s true then you should already have closure. You shouldn’t even be talking to him if we’re working things out. You’re talking to him about “hanging out” and I had to guess you were going to see him. Were you even going to tell me? You were just with him physically a few weeks ago and you admit to missing him. How am I supposed to feel about that?
So go ahead and see him, hang out, get your closure (or not), but I am going to do my own thing now. Actions have consequences.
Too much?
That seems unnecessary in my opinion.
The whole content goes without saying. Think back to what happened since she messaged you first, and informed you about the breakup with her rebound. You went so far as to email her friends. You hung out with her showed the things that you changed. The moment you expressed your feelings, she started saying she is confused and wants to take things slowly aka “I wanna do my own thing”.
If you mail that to her, she will reply with a “Are you giving another ultimatum to me?? You know we are not back together, right? I never said to you I will be with you.”
You need to be cool even if she says she misses her rebound. She is not seeking closure, or any other thing with what she says about the other guy. She is testing you at the moment. And you gave her a pretty good response by keeping your composure. That’s all you need to do! Any other things will set the progress back. Realize that she’s been intimate with you since she came back. There is a reason for all of her actions. Just step back and analyze the situation.
If you stay calm, you are gonna totally dominate the power struggle. But that email seems to me as opening another can of worms.
So I never sent the email, but I did text her during the day voicing my displeasure, anger, and confusion about her statements.
Then in the afternoon she sent me a text saying she wasn’t going to see J, and I said “what do you mean?” and she said “well he hasn’t responded to my texts”. This made me angry because she hadn’t changed any plans, she was just venting her frustration to me at his lack of reply. In the end J did not show up at her friend’s house, and during the game she asked me to pick her up after the game because she was too drunk to drive. I arrived to pick her up and she was drunk, being obnoxious, ignoring me for the most part. Her drunken behavior combined with her actions over the past few days wore down my patience and on the drive home I was silent and cold to her. I felt used (for the ride) and angry about her and J.
When we arrived at my house she wanted to watch TV and I wanted to go bed. I told her she could watch TV, turned it on, and walked up the stairs to get ready. I should have known better because she does not like to be alone – and this child-like behavior is made worse when she has been drinking. She yelled up at me and I came back down stairs. However the damage was done and she started yelling at me, and then she grabbed her things and walked out the front door to “walk to her car” (her car at this point was 20 miles away and it was 10PM). I told her to stop and calm down, but it was useless she left. In total this was probably the 8th time she’s done something like that so I shouldn’t have been surprised. I waited a few minutes, shocked and angry, and then got into my car to try to find her.
After 10 minutes of searching I called her and she said she was fine and would go to sleep now. She wouldn’t tell me where she was so I had had enough and returned home. When I opened my porch door she was hiding in the corner, apparently having returned while I was out looking. She was now acting more child-like and acting terrified of me. She wouldn’t come in the house and I begged her to. After several minutes I gave up and told her the door would be unlocked. After a few more minutes she came inside.
Now what happened next is a bit of a jumble. I’ll my best to summarize.
– She laid on the couch and begged me to drive her to her car so she could drive home (I refused- she was drunk)
– She screamed at me to drive her to her car
– She said if she was my ex-gf I would have watched TV with her. I sarcastically said “you’re right oh my god how did you know” and she then repeated how she was right and screamed at me more. Stupid mistake on my part thinking a drunk person would get sarcasm.
– She told me she hated me
– She told me she loved me
– She told me she loved J and wanted to be with him
– She wanted me to hug her and hold her
– She flipped over the coffee table
– She screamed at me some more
– She told me she wasn’t drunk over and over
– She wanted her phone so she could call a friend to get her and started screaming (she had her phone in her pocket)Somewhere during all of this I broke down and started to cry. I mean I really wanted it to work between her and I, and to me she was throwing it all away in her drunken state. After crying I was just angry with her and went upstairs to go to bed. All of this transpired over a 90 minute period. She followed a short time later and eventually we fell asleep.
I am looking for advice on what to do. This type of episode happened a lot during our relationship and it scared and hurt me to see it again last night. This morning she was apologetic, but I called her out for not really apologizing for some of the things she said and did. Then a short while ago she was texting me, very worried that I was cutting her off and wouldn’t let her get her belongings from my house later. I assured her I would, but was on the fence about us.
She called me and we spoke, and somehow she flipped the table and became very angry with me. Basically it was my behavior when we got home, me trying to punish her by taking away the TV show that caused all the problems. There is some truth in that, I was upset about her behavior at her friends and from earlier, and yes that did cause me to not want to watch the TV show, but I don’t know, that doesn’t seem 100% fair. So right now I don’t know what to do…
– Stay and work it out
– Involve her friends- write them a letter much this post so they understand. Her family is not very involved nor understanding and I don’t think could help her much.
– Leave her and just be done with it
– Some combination of the abovebguarino, I’ve been following your topic for a while and I gotta say nothing surprises me anymore regarding your ex. And I’m not sure if I can add anything to which I haven’t said before.
But you seem really unhappy now. I have to point that out. You don’t deserve to be involved in her indecision. In the end it’s your decision if you still want to work things out with this girl but you’ve known her for quite some time. Will she ever change?
You know it is just a hunch, but if you say to her it’s better to not contact each other and be done with it, I have a feeling it will push her to change her ways somehow. (Better if you sound you are the one breaking up with her) I don’t think she will ever do it otherwise. She feels she is the queen, and she deserves everything. (The whole mailing her friends and other stuff) I don’t think she ever looked in the mirror ever since the breakup. She wanted to replace you immediately, thus not allowing herself to assess what was wrong with the relationship. This kind of thing may be a problem even if you are in it for a long haul. I don’t think the other guy would want her baggage either even if she makes an attempt.
In any case I think you need to be alone, and away from this drama. For your own sake.
If she is absolutely the ONE for you, and you want this to work, I think you guys need to go to counseling. Make sure that you find a therapist that uses Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT). It is one of the most successful types of couples therapy. She is very, very insecure. The child-like behavior is because she has not learned another way to deal with her emotions. Even if she is otherwise mature in other areas of her life, in situations where her emotions are triggered, she resorts back to how she was taught to deal with her emotions as a small child.
I know that there is a stigma on therapy, but there really shouldn’t be. It is just another person helping you work out these situations in an emotionally effective way instead of using the behaviors learned from childhood. EFT is successful 70 percent of the time when both of the partners are willing to participate. That is an extremely high success rate for couples therapy.
When I have the opportunity, I am absolutely going to do this type of therapy even in a relatively good relationship because it teaches you how to communicate emotions to your partner is a safe and effective way without resorting to the type of behavior your gf is showing, but it will NOT work without BOTH partners participating.
I had a situation that reminds me of yours.. and after a long time of my hoping things would get better I finally had to walk away for my own sanity.
I think the suggestion about therapy is a good one, sometimes you have to try everything before you say enough.
There is one very important lesson I learned though – I can not change anyone nor can I save anyone from themselves. They have to want it more than me. And I wish now I would have walked away a lot sooner!
An interesting thin happen though, like many of articles say, once I moved on and no longer cared, he wanted me more than ever.
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