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So the afternoon went better. She sent me upbeat texts and I responded. I picked her up from the train and we grabbed dinner. It was positive. On the drive home she mentioned that I would need to set things right with her friends via an email or letter, apologizing for the bad and thanking them for helping her during the relationship. Apparently she relied heavily on them without telling me.
I took this as a good sign, needing to set things right for our relationship. I agreed to do it.
She then left to drive home, and a few minutes called to discuss the apology, saying it would have to happen sooner rather than later. She then said “you don’t even know what they know”, and I stupidly said “please tell me”. She then began to list a bunch of past fights, she got more and more upset, saying I do not deserve a 2nd chance and she wants to starts fresh with someone new. She then took exception with my “cannot be just friends rule” saying I should accept us slowly slipping back into a relationship, not forcing it all at once with relationship or NC.
Honestly asking is that the choice when I say I cannot be just friends? Is taking it slow considered being “just friends”?
Thoughts?
Ok, go with her suggestion. I still think that apology mail to her friends is ridiculous but I don’t see anywhere around it. “I wanna do my own thing girl” clearly cannot do her own thing without relying on friends. But it is what it is. She is immature.
And, yes, accept her proposal. Be friends. You need to accept you are not gonna get full commitment from her overnight. That is not gonna happen. This false friendship stage is there for a reason. BUT, like me and @NeverGiveUp said earlier do not be available all the time. Do not do couple activities as much as you want her. You need to gain power now, and only way to do it is by showing you are perfectly capable of living your own life without relying on her or her presence.
As for how to do it,
– Don’t be the one to initiate a talk all the time. Let 2-3 days pass. She may or may not contact you in mean time, that is not a problem.
– When you talk to her, talk about her and your own goal self image. She needs to see herself being a part of your future. That is another way you attract a girl.
– If she sleeps over in your place, avoid cuddling and all those things. Friends don’t do that. You need to show her what “Friendship” means by your little actions and she cannot have you any more than that.
– Always have the positive attitude. Laugh, crack a joke. It is contagious, she will definitely feel it and see that you are not a loser trying to get back together. You are perfectly happy without her. She will want to be part of that. Even she admits she is not happy at the moment jumping relationship to relationship. It will take some time but she will definitely notice the change in you.
– Absolutely avoid talking about past. Never, ever bring it up. You may be curious on to what you may hear from her but don’t give in. That relationship is over, packaged and put in refrigerator. Things will slowly proceed and you will get response from her. How? She is gonna mention the change in you and how you look different, that you look better now. Then, you can thank her and say you are doing your best. Again, without bringing whatever happened in past.Again, as much as you want more, you need to give her all the right answers right now meanwhile physically and emotionally being less available to her. Let her wonder why you are not head over heels for her. Let her conclude she may lose you if she keeps this act longer. Remember, you are independent! You can also fall in love with another girl. It’s totally level now. At least that is what she needs to think. So give her that impression by your actions (not words)
Keep us updated. Good luck.
So had a good day of texting,c positive, not too many. I stood up to her at one point and told her to stop talking about Jon, the rebound guy, it was getting old. She said but we are just friends, but she had talking about the sex stuff they did. Like really!?
She said she would stop, then asked if she could hangout with him in the future. I said I’d be uncomfortable but it’s her choice (with consequences- didn’t say that but anyone should realize).
Then we got on the topic of the apology letter. And I wrote one and she wanted to see it first, them gave me tips on it. Like what to say, about how I’m different now. Overall trying to convince the reader to accept me.
Then I sent the letter to her three best friends. The first person didn’t reply all that positive, but the second said she was open to me coming back if I made my ex happy and was committed. No reply from the third yet.
My ex took this a negative overall and basically gave me the “she wants to do her own thing” speech, but we can still hangout and see where things go.
After our talk I rejoined a dating site and instead of bringing her to a football game this weekend will ask a friend instead. She said it would be okay if i took someone else.
I can imagine you facepalming at this whole situation as I read that.
Man, she is really immature. And the whole convincing her friends thing still baffles me.
Good, don’t give her any more attention than you give to a friend. You did your part with the letter. You don’t have to put up with that shit any longer. It’s time you pulled away. She HAS TO chase you, no other way around this dilemma. Let her do her own thing, and if she REALLY wants to be friends with Jon, let her be. You don’t deserve this kind of treatment, just be cool about it and withdraw yourself from her presence.
Like @NeverGiveUp said before, I can see her giving you hope and leaving you all over again if this keeps up. You don’t have to be part of her Indecision, at least not more than a regular friend. Don’t give her the attention she seeks.
So I asked a friend last night to go to the game with me. No response yet.
Then this morning at 5AM she sent me a happy birthday text, that I am great man and she wishes she could spent the day with me, but will see me tomorrow (pre-made plan because she staying in the city late). She then called me later in the morning to wish me happy birthday.
UGH. That is totally not friends only material, and my anger from last night is gone. Now I regret asking my friend to go to the game with me. I fear telling her I am taking someone else. I want the relationship to slowly build, but yeah I am cognizant of possibly being led on.
It’s ok. Let her chase you. The moment you jump at her attention, she’s gonna play the game again. You know, “I wanna do my own thing”.
You need to spend good time with her first, without pushing any further. Let there be couple of meetups, not call it a date, and just talk about your common interests and interesting things going on in your life. She has her guards up at the moment, and it will take a while to come all the way down. She surely has feelings for you, otherwise she wouldn’t contact you in the first place when she dated her rebound. But relationship is different. First comes friendship, healthy communication, then either she will make the move or you can open up about getting back together. But it’s better if she does it.
You won’t be friend-zoned. But control what you give to her also. A healthy dose, not too much, but not NC-like either. Balanced.
I think if you go to the game with your friend, it’s even better. Look at the big picture. If she was your girlfriend, of course you would take her and you would ask her out. But this is not case at the moment. Remember, you are independent! You can do anything. And it’s the right response that you are not scheduling things for her. It’s the last thing you want now, that you are doing everything to get her back. She will pull away from all that attention after she gets her dose. This game thing will make her think about what this friendship means to her (while she also wants more), and if she should accelerate the process.
Go out and have fun with your friend! And also happy birthday 🙂
Thanks!
So to be honest I didn’t take anyone’s advice. Not that it wasn’t good advice, just didn’t feel right knowing everything I know about my ex. She needs attention and is also prone to depression and putting aside any romantic feelings or goals, I want her to be happy and whole. The past day or so I was there for her more for emotional support and yeah she might be using me, but I’d rather that than her hurting herself or something.
So the past two nights we spoke on the phone and she said she only wanted to be friends, and that I should date other people. That she was taking time for herself. I said fine that is probably for the best, especially for you, but then each morning I would wake up to good morning texts with a heart…
However she came over last night, asked if I had started talking to any girls, and I let her know I reinstated my dating profile. That seemed to make her jealous because she immediately wanted to cuddle on the couch while watching a movie.
So fast forward a little and we fell asleep together. The no touching rule was gone apparently and we held each other. Then this morning, and I will spare the explicit details, we hooked up. Nothing seemed to be wrong after or since, which is good. I am happy and she seems happy. She even said if I make her happy then her friends will have to accept me. We aren’t a couple or anything but it seems to be going that way. I do love this girl so much and have learned to accept her faults rather than lash out at them (such as leaving the shower set for the shower head rather than the tub spout). I think NC helped me a lot analyze my behavior and make me a better person.
Sounds pretty good!
And you are right. Every relationship is different and they have different circumstances. In the end you know best about your situation. The whole advice, 30-day rule etc. are just there for guidance, nothing more.
Still, I’ll say this. Your girlfriend didn’t forget about the past. She’s just overlooking them now because she’s getting what she wants. It will take some time. Maybe a year or more. But you probably know that already. So be careful about how things proceed, and observe her always for your own sake.
Wish you best of luck!
im sorry but im going to be forward with you like you’ve been with me, I hope I dont sound harsh. :-/ Im saying this because you are to good of a person to be dealing with your ex’s crap. I think you writing a letter to her friends apologizing is ridicules and stupid. you have no reason to have to apologize to them and it seems like shes having a fun time making fun of you for doing so. it sounds like shes very immature and you need to let her go so you can finally be happy. your still hurting and shes making you look like and feel like a fool. I think you should let her go and put the pass behind you, however ultimately the decision is up to you. btw I decided im not going to keep hurting myself and am moving on. im going to start seeing this guy that wants to get to know me and Im thinking of signing the divorce papers. 🙂 seriously though stop hurting yourself. Im saying this in a kind way. 🙂
Aalms, im glad you’re making progress and looking to greener pastures.
I have to take exception with your comments however. My ex, hasn’t enjoyed the apology letter. She never made fun of me. Her friends saw her upset during our relationship, and may not fully have known the whole story, just get side. So to them I’m a bad guy. I can either try to explain the whole story to people I have no contact with and who hate me, or write an apology. Ultimately I don’t care what her friends think. But if it helps me get her back then I write the apology letter.
So update…. My ex and I are pretty much back together. She calls me honey and babe. Says we are giving it another try.
For all those of you out there, please understand this: if your ex wants you back then the system will help rather hurt your chances. That is all it does! If they don’t want you back then it only helps you heal and move on. I know this from talking to ex. She still wanted me after the breakup and admitted to trying to kill that by seeing someone else. There is no magic that can make someone love you, there is no system.
My best advice to all of you is to calm down, I know that’s easier said than done, and follow the system, I.e.not contact.
Best of luck to you all.
there are two problems at the moment
1) Physical intimacy- She was reluctant to kiss or hold hands on the first few dates. She told me that she didn’t want to be a having been with another guy so recently and she wanted to make sure she was comfortable with me. This changed a few days ago when we hooked up and had sex one morning after she spent the night. Then it happened over the weekend, again after she spent the night. Both times she said I took advantage of her; she made these comments in a teasing manner with a smile, so I really thought nothing of them. Then after the first time we hooked up we started to openly kiss each other and hold hands, when walking around, greeting each other, etc. Felt like a couple again.
However this morning via text she said she was uncomfortable with how I wanted to have sex with her when she didn’t want to. She said she’s okay now but wanted me to know. Thoughts?
2) Her friends do not like me. Over these past few weeks I’ve learned a lot about my ex-girlfriend, things she kept from me about how unhappy she was. Some of the reasons were not my fault, but I certainly did not make matters better. These are things such as my ex bringing up my previous ex gf and starting a fight. Well her friends only saw her upset and I was to blame.
Bottom line is they do not like me and are against us getting back together, but will ultimately accept me if I make her happy. I know this because I wrote her closest friends an apology letter for my behavior during the breakup and she has shared with me their responses. They were not overly positive responses, but each friend left it as they would support her no matter what. This issue is weighing heavily on my ex’s mind and I am concerned it will force her to end our reconciliation. Right now we are more or less dating in secret to her friends; they know we hang out but do not know how much or if we are hooking up.
Would appreciate any thoughts you have… I feel like things are progressing better than before, but these two issues keep creeping up and I am not sure how to handle them to a successful resolution.
Hmmm this could turn out badly if she keeps feeling this way.
First off, she obviously wanted to have sex too given that you did. So she’s making you the bad guy by saying that. I wouldn’t have sex with her Again until she’s asking for it… And when you do… Make it about her. Make sure she leaves saying to herself that she wants more and how amazing it was.
Secondly, you can’t control the friend situation. Let that be.
Make sure you’re doing things that are different and fun for both of you. Do things you’ve never done before. How about a painting class… Dancing… Ice skating.. Bowling… Camping…
Show her that there’s still more for her than she already knows. That this is a new beginning with new memories. A new start.
Take it slow for now. It’s been only what, one week? If you are confused yourself, you can’t expect her to be composed. She is still in that emotional rollercoaster. She will often say things she doesn’t mean.
But, to reiterate what we said before, you should dictate this relationship now, not her. Don’t give her the upper hand as much as you think she is a baby, needs attention etc. etc. She did her part and came back. You did your part, swallowed your pride and mailed her friends. Now, it is time to wait and see.
I suggest at this point to re-read Relationship Rewind. You are at a different stage now and you should act accordingly. It will make you more determined and you will know how to handle her bizarre behavior.
As for having sex, don’t make an attempt again like @NeverGiveUp said. Let it be her idea. But you can replace those emotions via other things and still make her happy. For example, stroke her hair, hold her hand with your both hands, hug her from behind smell her hair… etc. Once she feels comfortable with those things – it could be two weeks, three weeks… you will feel the change in her. Definitely.
So an update, the whole sex thing is okay now. She says its fine now and we’ve had sex again, at her urging. The friends situation has also gotten better because they are being more accepting.
The problem now is that she brought up my previous ex-gf, who was the source our 99% of our fights, because a) I have photos from 4 years ago buried in my facebook…like somewhere not sure where and b) A few days ago I asked if she would be okay if we (my ex and I) were to be friends. I asked this because she is friends with her ex’s and is adamant that it’s okay, but for me it’s not okay and I was trying to show her the hypocrisy.
So because of A and B she launched into a speech about how I obviously want my ex back and she can’t have that so we can only just be friends. She kept saying you obviously want her back, but I don’t and haven’t mentioned her at all. I tried to calmly tell her that I am not and do not want to be friends with my ex, which is true, but she wasn’t having it. I then asked why she didn’t believe me. She had no answer except to say that she doesn’t want to be hurt. I called her out for having photos of her exs on facebook, but it’s “different”. I feel like I am going crazy and right back to all the fights. Maybe we are not meant to be.
If you compete with her over that now, you are gonna push her off more. I’m not sure why you asked if you and your ex/x could be friends. She wasn’t going to say to you, “Oh yes of course”. Don’t expect that kind of understanding from her as much as it comes off as innocent request from your point of view. Don’t pester her about whatever she has going with her ex/x either. That will come off as jealousy and it is highly unattractive. Especially when your relationship with her is at a fragile stage.
Listen, she will often test you with a number of things. If you jump at every single one of them, she will conclude you have not changed at all. And it will be the end of it. You should be calm now. Keep your composure, and show her that you are more mature than her. Competing with her, you will only degrade yourself to her level so don’t do that.
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