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Alright then the letter idea sounds completely fine to me, just make sure to stick to NC and ideally do not text about going to coffee until after the full NC period is over. If she is iffy about going to coffee you can push it a little, like “whats the harm?” or “Its just coffee” something along those lines, but don’t get super pushy or anything, trying to guilt her into going.
Some extra info may help, did you guys text a lot? Texting has the benefit of being more casual and less pressure, which is good if you had a bad breakup. Do you have mutual friends who are trying to stay neutral? Something, like dinner with a bunch of friends where you both “happen” to be there is a good way to interact in person without much pressure like you could have with a one on one meetup.
Honestly, your ex isn’t an idiot, shes gonna know you want to see her and miss her, the trick is to make them realize your time and attention is scarce and THEY need to work to deserve it and want it, since they miss you too. So once you start talking after NC, give it a few weeks of contact before you ask to hang out. When you meet, don’t do dinner, don’t do a movie, basically anything at night and anything you see as a stereotypical romantic date is a big no-no, at least at first. Ideally, you want HER to suggest that sort of meetup, so make the first one a friendly catchup, maybe a quick lunch or coffee. From there, if it goes well suggest another meeting but make it more datelike, maybe a movie. Biggest thing is be patient, do the full NC and do not go in expecting to get back together right away, it takes time to make it work and if you rush it, it will blow up in your face.
Just my two cents, smells like she is big time rebounding. Keep in mind a rebound, when it comes down to it, is defined not by how many new boyfriends or how long they date, it comes down to how hung up on you she still is. So basically she could be single for months, if she is still thinking about you a lot, missing you, etc then any new guy she starts seeing is still basically a rebound because she is still working to replace you.
Also, I am willing to bet she is nowhere near as happy as she looks. Think about it, if you screwed up and made a huge mistake, would you walk around all mopey and depressed? No, you act happy because you look very very stupid. If she turned around right after the fact and said “Well look who was wrong” then she looks like an idiot or like she can’t make up her mind, so they stick by their guns and pretend they made the right choice as long as they can.
So in my opinion, no she probably hasn’t moved on, she just thinks she has or even just wants YOU to think that. I’d say give it a few months and see what happens from there, do your best to keep busy and ignore it, I know that is impossible but still try your best. Remember rebounds very rarely last longer than a few months and usually one or two big fights is enough to collapse it like a house of cards. Good luck
Good point, from my own point of view that’s how it was with me. When I just lost my ex and felt awful I was on here daily, posting to other people’s problems, reading stories and getting advice. When I started dating a new girl, went out with friends and felt better I stopped coming on here. Now, since my ex has gotten all sorts of confusing again and I’m single, I’m back on, mainly looking to vent and try to help other people. If we had gotten back together or even if I had just gotten a good new gf I probably would never come back to these boards because there is no point. Honestly there is probably hundreds of couples who have gotten back together that we have no or will never hear about on these boards who used the plan.
I smell a rebound with the new guy. Speaking as the rebound guy for one of my best female friends, the biggest reason we dated? Hey I’m bored and lonely, you are two, can’t think of a reason why not? The reason we ended? Well we were friends for years and neither of us are the others 1st choice, so it wouldn’t last. Rebounds are the bandaid for heartache, for me it luckily helped me get past the heartache but almost every time it ends with them feeling worse and missing you. In that sense that’s what happened to some level, I lost the lonely sad feelings but got to look at my ex in a more positive light. She clearly still likes you so she is halfway there, once the new guy and her end she will most likely realize what she is missing out on. 4 months isn’t as long as you’d think, stay strong and patient but as it is always said don’t put your life on hold for her or anyone else.
I’m starting to swing towards this way as well, I was pretty much done with any friendly talking/potential second chance stuff but over our winter break(both college kids) we hung out a few times and it went well and she ended up admitting she still liked me but felt it was too soon to try again, since we had broken up about 2-3 months prior. Figured hey maybe maintain solid contact, rebuild attraction, since we will both be home for the summer maybe see what happens then. Since then she’s been all sorts of hot and cold, kinda ignores me at times. Didn’t do anything to warrant it, don’t contact her often enough to be needy, hell I was dating another girl up until about a month ago and she had a new bf too. After all this I have started feeling like she just uses me as entertainment when she’s home or bored. If this week doesn’t go too well(it’s spring break and we are supposed to hang out) I’ll probably completely move on and count it as over, already mostly there anyways.
Playing a bit of Devils advocate here, keep in mind your friends ARE trying to be supportive a lot of the time, just not in the way you want to hear. My best friend, who actually set me up with my ex, told me about 4 months after we broke up and after she confessed she still had some feelings but thought it was too soon, to “never take her back”. Trust me I was pissed right after, I thought hey if he was really my friend he’d support me and help me to win her back if I wanted to, how can he tell me what’s best for my life.
But then I realized, he doesn’t give a damn about the relationship he cares about my well being and honestly believes the best thing for me is to not take her back. He knows how it feels to be heartbroken, he knows the feeling of rejection and he has been in my shoes. It’s not that they don’t understand, it’s that they are saying what they think is best for you, even when you don’t want to hear it. The negative sounding advice is the voice trying to tell you that you may be sugar coating things, feeling false hope. Maybe they are on some level negative pessimists, in that case talk to positive people and after all that examine all the opinions, chances are what really is going on lies somewhere in the middle, not as bad as the negatives say but not as good as the positives claim. But don’t begrude your friends for offering their opinions and feeling the way they do, they’re YOUR friends, not your exes. And at the end of the day, they are the ones who want to help you.
Don’t bother blocking him unless you can’t help contacting him, if you can go without texting or messaging then just leave it be. Try asking friends to help keep you from messaging him. If after all that you still find yourself breaking no contact then it may be for the best to block him until the 30 days are up.
With the hang out, maybe suggest lunch at a place you both liked, or coffee or something super casual like that. Dinner, a movie, basically anything at night will feel too date-like for him. When you hang out, catch up about things, don’t mention his new gf, don’t mention your breakup, keep it upbeat and positive, nothing kills the attraction more than talking about all your past issues.
As to after this week, assess it after you meet up. If it goes well, it’s fine to text him every once in a while, maybe once every week or 2, but always make sure it’s interestig, like “hey theres this new show I bet you’d like” or “did you see the new trailer for this movie I know you want to see?” Never ever say “hey” or “what’s up”. If it doesn’t go too well, well then go back to no contact for a while and try another meet up next time he is home. The bright side is if you did well on NC and you do hangout and keep it positive it shouldn’t go badly.
Yes NC will absolutely work if she is dating somebody new because it is a rebound. A great way for her to end up missing you is a rebound because she is basically trying to find you in a new guy, this rebound. When she realizes he isn’t you she will miss you even more. So I would not worry too much, yeah she may be a little less apt to text you early on but trust me she will absolutely be thinking of you. Kevin wrote about it in this article.
How To Get your ex girlfriend back if she is in a new relationship (without looking desperate)
He also recommends this article which has very clear actionable steps for you to take to win her back.
How To Get Your Ex Girlfriend Back in 5 Stages [with 17 objectives]
On the whole NC thing as a whole, if she is texting you constantly, feel free to respond casually once in a while. Do not be overeager, give it time between your texts to her and always try to end the conversation on your terms. She wants to talk to you, if you do that then she will be eager to text you even more.
Here is also where her rebound may help you get her back. See what would you think if a girl you were dating was texting her ex? You’d be jealous and threatened and that’s what he will feel too. Now here is the kicker he won’t have the sense to disguise the jealousy. Jealousy is only cute in small doses with a person you are head over heels with, a new relationship with an okay guy is going to take a serious hit. The more eager she is to text you and the more distracted she gets, the worse he will react, which will lead to fights between them. Just remember its a fragile relationship like a house of cards, one strong push is all it will take to topple it.
So in conclusion, do not worry too much about the rebound, as much as possible anyways, feel free to text back after she reaches out a few times and always try to end things on your terms. Good luck!
Hey man, just wanted to say I feel you completely. In my situation we are a lot younger, I am 21 and she is 19, but the way she is acting is the exact same as your ex, the break, me “pressuring her” and the break up where she acts torn up and broken, and then says to basically wait for a few years for her. It took me two months and hooking up with a friend/longtime crush to finally take her off the pedestal she was put on as my first real ex. I wanted to say good luck and we all feel you, work on yourself and find another girl who appreciates you and is willing to put in effort for you. This girl clearly isn’t ready to date a good guy and wants you to wait around for her to get to that point, don’t deal with that its not worth it.
He is upset because you basically said screw you in his eyes, while we know you did the right thing in the eyes of the one who did the breaking up he did no wrong. They break your heart and expect you to be ok basically helping you move on from them and you weren’t ok with that. Give it a week or so and then text him again. Make it casual, maybe a tv series you like having a new Season or you watched a movie that you both liked. Do NOT talk about serious stuff, if he brings it up do your best to change the topic. Any serious talk will set back any progress you’ve made
Loving someone is fine and it won’t hurt your chances, acting desperate will though. Again you need to calm yourself down and focus on getting yourself into a good place mebtally, that will help more than anything. Right now you still sound very emotionally dependent on him which is bad. Yes, we all love our exes and yes we all felt dependent on them to be happy but it’s not until you get past it that you start thinking clearly.
First off you need to calm down, you sound like you’re about to slide into full out panic. It’s not, and almost never will be, as bad as you think it is.
Ok first off stop blaming yourself. Seriously, it’s not your damn fault. So you guys went on a break that he wanted, brought up out of the blue, barely explained why and set no rules. You became understandably upset, went out, got plastered and hooked up with another guy to try and feel better, which ended up doing the exact opposite. That’s a big difference from sober, planning premeditated cheating that he is acting like you did. You were on a break, you were drunk and he never said you couldn’t date around so he has no real right to be pissed, if you guys said he no dating then that’s one thing but otherwise he needs to back it up a little the attitude.
Onto the attitude, the reason he is so upset is not because he doesn’t care but because he cares so much. Think about it, who’s opinions matter more, a casual fried or the friend who’s like a sister that you’ve known since you were 5. A bigger worry would be if he didn’t appear to care at all, because that’s when you know he doesn’t care. Take comfort in the fact that he still has such strong feelings and understand that those can be used to your advantage.
Now then, yes you need NC for a while, I’d say a month at least, maybe longer since he sounds like the type to hold a grudge. The good news? He is thinking about you, missing you and maybe he is so upset and angry because if it wasn’t for the break HE proposed you two would be together and happy still. So by not talking for a while all those bad emotions die down ad he focuses on the good things you had. Bad news? He is going to need a while, probably months, until he is ready to try again. Stupid or not he feels betrayed ad that takes time to fix. But before you fix that you need to forgive yourself and learn to love yourself, because that will show him more than anything else you are mature and grew from the experience.
Go out more, like twice as much as normal. Preferably with people of the opposite sex. A great way to feel better and more confident is to have other people flirting with you. That’s not saying you need to date them or even return their interest but meeting new people helps a lot. Working out, getting new hobbies or practice old hobbies are all good to keep occupied. Make sure you don’t sit around and do nothing, that just makes it waaaay worse. You’ll start thinking and obsessing and just feel worse and worse
