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@LAbound don’t shift, follow your gut feeling on this. Seriously.
So i just chatted with this guy who broke up with his girlfriend, and the reasons are the same as my ex.. he was doing the same things, trying to act mean so that she would be the one to break up with him. Also reasoning that he was hesitant to break up because the sex was good but couldn’t see himself marrying her. It was like talking to my ex and getting the truth I knew all along. This really hurt to hear – because it exactly reflects my thoughts about my ex. That he was just enjoying the sex at the end of the relationship but not emotionally attracted or attached to me in a strong way anymore at all. Ugh I feel so used and like dirt, like an object!!! I wish I knew how to awaken his emotional side. I wish I knew specifically what I did wrong.
@atea1234 I think even just asking “do you have anything to say in response to my email?” will be taken as me pushing him, and will stress him out. He’ll read it in an angry tone. He has an exceptional low tolerance for feeling prodded and pushed. He would then feel obliged to answer as well – so perhaps I should leave it like this… it’s clear he doesn’t have anything to say to me as he hasn’t. With my next email though, I will demand a response, because I need questions answered.Yes, you need to be doing what he’s doing! I agree. Like I said I’ll catch up with you on that one. I think it’s important to be okay on our own though too! We will somehow get through this, all of us! Don’t dwell on him calling you on your birthday. I know this sucks, but he’s got a girlfriend now… in all likelihood he still will do by the time of your birthday. That’s how you have to think. Actually, scratch that, you shouldn’t think of him at all. You have to say goodbye to him forever, or at least for a long time, in your heart and in your soul – when you’re ready to.
A year from now, we can either have achieved and experienced lots of new stuff, or we can still be miserable not having done much. That is OUR choice.
As for your last question, I don’t think you should be worrying about it now. If at a later point it becomes relevant, think about it.. but for now, just do you. We’re going to manage this! We have to! I want to lay down and die a lot of the time, but imagine how happy with ourselves and confident we will be if we can slay this dragon of a circumstance!@mike2014 that’s very interesting! Thanks for commenting!
Well I would be the one calling it discussions and solving problems whilst he would be the one to call it arguments.. He didn’t witness huge arguments growing up like I did, so I think he was more emotionally rattled by things like this than I was. I probably wasn’t considerate enough of that and I was definitely not being calm enough, i would just fire away at him instead of calmly communicating. And I definitely made myself sound insecure and needy on so many occasions.Through the mill, what a perfect idiom @Belle!! That’s exactly what this feels like. I grabbed my list of lessons from this break up, and it said “when he makes you feel crazy – stop. calm down. act disinterested” so that’s what I’ll attempt. I’m so happy I made that list.
This right now, is a crystal clear example of what would lead to an argument in our relationship, the arguments he tired of and made him loose attraction.
I would say “Why didn’t you email me back when you said you were going to?!” Him: “You said I didn’t have to!” Me: “I know but I was testing you, I still wanted you to email me, and you said you would! Don’t you think about my feelings? You could at least have told me I wasn’t going to get an email! I was there waiting!! This makes me feel so worthless to you like my feelings are your last priority..blah blah blah insecure talk blah blah”That insecure talk really is an attraction killer!
The good news — I managed to stop it before it went there, and it was really close! Phew! So in the past when confronted with these sorts of things (they happened a looot! and yes it is rude @unimare !) I would push and push to make him see how this was upsetting me, and to try to force out an apology from him. Which clearly didn’t work at all! Now I’m not sure how to handle my emotions, if not to tell him how this made me feel. What do the rest of you do in situations like these? Is there a way to handle it without coming across angry, pathetic or insecure? Do people in successful relationships just ignore things like this? But if you ignore it it will just build up inside you, and you’ll explode with everything at a later point? Feeling more in control – I just keep telling myself I won’t react the way I did before, though I don’t know what to do instead. When he doesn’t respond like this, I feel like every couple hours of no response just makes it worse and worse. What did you use to do in situations like this?
Hope you ladies can answer me here!
@atea1234 Yeah it could be a good idea to spread it out, because I wrote around 8000 words in total which is a lot of information! @unimare I agree with you, and yes he needs to read it all, because I need it aaaall off my chest! Also I share your feelings about wanting the last say. I don’t know if I will like what he replies but I do want to hear him out, and I need answers to a lot of questions.
@atea1234 I’m happy the date went well! It’s completely understandable how you felt bad this morning. You’re just going to have to go through it a few times until it no longer feels strange to you, that’s what I think anyway. I’m proud of you for going! All we can do is move forwards. I’m going to have to go on dates as well, but I’m waiting until I’ve sent these emails. Then I’m going for coffee with the hunk. We can do this atea! It’s going to be difficult but the rewards will be great once we have managed to cut our emotional bonds from them! I just want my ex to come and say he’s made a mistake too.. But atea, we have to be break up warrior queens here! A lot of what we are afraid of is change.. so let’s try to embrace the unknown and not fear it.
@Belle bless you, being ill always makes everything worse!! Keep that in mind! Don’t be scared you won’t get over him. I absolutely think you will! You have gone through this pain before and you will never let yourself endure that again. Like I said to atea, I really think we have to embrace the unknown. Accept, let go, and embrace whatever. Let it be. You have done everything and more, so once you feel better you will also feel stronger again. I think one year of NC is a reasonable time to get over someone yes. If we stay in contact, it will only extend things though. I’m scared I will carry on all the feelings to my next relationship as well – but what’s the other option Belle? Stay alone? No… we mustn’t fear for the future, my dear break up warrior queen!Yesterday I sent him two emails from the past that I never dared to send him, where I’m telling him how painful everything is for me (before the break up) but that I want us to work. He sent me a text saying he had read them, was so sorry, and would reply later as he was at work. I said he didn’t have to reply (as sending them was mostly for my own sake) – so he didn’t reply! Not even to say “ok, i won’t then”. I regret saying he didn’t have to soooo much… I always do that sort of thing! Ugh.
The emails I haven’t sent yet: the first one is filled with questions and me venting at him (respectfully), saying i deserved better etc… the second one is filled with my insights and me apologising for the ways i contributed to our relationship going bad. I’m going to ask him to respond to the first one before I send the second one.
I’m feeling really emotional right now, like a bubble that wants to burst and send him the first email right away… though I promised myself I would take the time to tweak it until I’m absolutely sure everything is written down. I just can’t think of anything else though!! The fact that I didn’t get a further response from him yesterday is driving me a bit nuts. I don’t know why I’m still expecting things from this man! Ugh and he still has the power to upset me so much by showing contempt as you say!! And it rattles me so much!! While he’s just clueless about it. I can definitely tell that he isn’t bothered about me anymore (by his lack of response) – which is why I sort of don’t care that much. I just want to get this out of my system. He makes me so angry:( Everything feels so futile, like no matter what I do he just isn’t interested at all. It’s really killing my self-confidence and ego. Feeling in despair today!I’m wondering if i should give him another day to reply to the two emails i sent yesterday, if I should just press send on my first email, or be patient, wait and tweak it some more?
What are you putting in your email? Happy you’re good about not seeing him for now!
Don’t feel stupid @unimare
I did that too, exact same thing, when my ex had moved out of our house. I don’t think it helps much though so it would probably be best if you stop doing it. Try to reclaim your thoughts from him as much as possible. I know it’s hard.
I’m writing on my email, it’s going to be two emails actually. When I have sent them and gotten a reply I’m going to have to let go… 🙁
Belle is right about what she’s said, these men don’t want us. If they did, we would know. Interested men always let us know. Then we have to accept that there is nothing we can do to get them back. this is the hardest bit… “What if i look amazing, what if…” That’s where I’m at and where I’m struggling to move on. I’m still at the “what if’s”. Hopefully I will exhaust that once I’ve acted desperate enough. lolPerhaps you could do some sort of personal ceremony to let him go, unimare?
How is everyone today?
I definitely think it makes sense that you have been criticised your whole life as an athlete, and that you would be quite hard on yourself and judge yourself quite a lot. I’m very happy that you’re open and honest about everything here though and that you’re trying to have more of a positive outlook on things:) I also appreciate that you’re blunt without sugar coating, you do come across very honest and I think that’s an amazing quality!
Has your ex answered you yet? Don’t worry if she hasn’t. We have a tendency to blow things up and it doesn’t have to mean a thing.
@atea1234
I know you’re going through a personal hell, but you know what? I think you’re doing really well in spite of it! This is definitely a time to cry and process – and you W I L L get past this! this truly is temporary! I really feel for you so much, and my heart goes out to you. I know that one day I will probably have to face what you’re doing now – and I’m dreading it so much. I can’t imagine what it’s like and all the thoughts would just drive me completely nuts.
In a way, you’re lucky that this happened so soon, because once you have adapted to this situation you will truly be able to progress and grow!! You will be able to tackle so much more, and so many issues will seem like a piece of pie in comparison to this! Go atea!!! You will master this challenge life has thrown you, and come out the other end thriving!!!Thank you so much for the book recommendation, I’m gonna read the sample and see if I want to buy it:) I probably will haha… If this boy only knew how much I’ve spent on this break up.
@bmob7795 could you please add a link to which topic you want me to comment on? 🙂
I’m getting a feeling that you are someone who finds it hard to take constructive criticism. As if, upon criticism hitting you, you put up a stone wall against it because you don’t want to think it through or internalise anything, like it is a threat to your being. Criticism can actually be extremely helpful, because it is other people pointing out their subjective opinion of you, how you’re coming across. It we give ourselves the permission and time to think about it rather than push it away immediately, we can grow so much as human beings! Perhaps you had a hard time being criticised a lot when you were younger? I really think it’s important for you to take some time to think about what Belle and unimare have said to you, and realise it is NOT meant in a bad way. I personally love being given constructive criticism because it gives me the opportunity to have insight into how i’m coming across so that I can change myself for the better!
I am also picking up on a rigidity in you, where you may be quite judgemental. They say the most judgemental people are those who judge themselves, so perhaps you need to forgive or accept yourself for something? Sure looking at ourselves and what we have done or may be doing wrong hurts a lot! But it’s good because it can renew us so that we become better people. Please let me know if you think I’m wrong about this!
Everyone deserves respect, and girls that have one night stands are no more slappers than the men they’re sleeping with. Sometimes you get what you project out into the world!@atea1234 Thank you for the support yesterday! I did make a fool of myself, but I managed to turn it around with texting him after. He’s under the impression that I have some big news to tell him (because on the phone I said I didn’t want to tell him why I called after all), I think he thinks I’m about to tell him I’m in a relationship, getting engaged or pregnant. He tends to jump to conclusions like that about me. He was pushing me wanting to know, but he finally let it go. I’ll get back to him with my email when I’m ready to send it. The guy really can’t stand when I don’t tell him something. I know he dreamt of me tonight.
@unimare – I don’t know how all of you have entered into this empowered state! I’m definitely dragging behind. I do sense that I’m getting closer though. I have to take my time to write the email, and make sure everything I wanted to say has been said so that I can get a sense of closure. It’s important I don’t rush it.Last night I stayed up until 5am typing on it, I made the downfall of our relationship into a beautiful story that i think will make him laugh and cry.
@atea1234 Just read your last post. I really feel for you, because I would be torn apart if it were me! Hang in there, because this hurts like anything now, but you will come to a place where it no longer hurts as much. You are going to become so strong and confident, and you may meet a man you didn’t know you could even dream of. What you are going through is probably the toughest it can get after a break up – so atea, it cannot get worse than this! That means once you feel better, you can only go up from where you are now! You need to get some power back in you, and you will get that from staying out of contact with him, grieving and ultimately empowering yourself. He is a fool for letting what you had go. Remember your gut feeling? There is no doubt he will be back one day, on his knees. You will have a chance to talk to him again if you want to. But for now you have to take care of your own health and staying in contact with him is not healthy for you at the time being. You are going to thrive in life again, atea. Open up to life, and you will see there is so much more out there for you.Sometimes we look so long at the closed door, that we do not realise which other doors have opened for us. You can grieve that the door is now closed, but ultimately you will see which other doors are now open. You deserve better than to feel this way, but unfortunately that is only something you can control. When you are ready to really let him go, let him go. Send him on his merry way and say goodbye to his spirit that resides in you taking over your thoughts. This is your time atea, and it’s just beginning! Let him go when you’re ready. 🙂
To top it all off i profusely apologised for ‘interrogating him’ instead of joking around about it, showing i have a spine… 🙁
I didn’t take your advice atea… and I made a big fool out of myself.
He answered, and I reacted by nervously throwing trivial questions at him one by one. He said it was unpleasant and it was like I was interrogating him, and he sorta made fun of me for it, but not in a nice way like he was up on his high horse looking down at pathetic little me. So he asked why I called, and I said that after talking to him I wasn’t in the mood to talk about it anyway. He tried to push me about my reason for calling, but I wouldn’t say but I told him I would probably talk to him about it at some other point, and then we said goodbye.
I really regret calling, but at the same time I’m happy he was alone. Ugh I must have sounded so pathetic, and it was clear by his voice and what he said that he was just thinking i’m nuts. I feel like it completely came across how nervous I am, and I’ve made such a fool of myself. So much for that respect I wanted, that just went out the window.
I definitely agree that you need to remove yourself from this situation! You are going to be a lot stronger and more confident for it! We’ve got your back, and you can do this!
So I made a mistake. I checked what music he’s listening to again and it’s all happy party songs and tonight, sex songs. I feel sick. I really want to call him and find out if he has someone over (he won’t pick up if he does), but I can’t come up with a good excuse to call.
I really need to let it go but it’s sooo hard. I am literally moments away from calling him now and I’m loosing perspective and judgement…. Please tell me what I should do someone? I’ve finished NC for 30 days. Loosing it a bit hereI’m so sorry that you’re going through this!
This has to be one of the hardest things, hearing that our exes like someone else. It would make my gut wrench.I completely agree with Belle..
Atea, this is not healthy for you. He is not healthy for you right now.
It is going to be hard as hell, it will take some time, but you will also find a strength in you that you didn’t know was there, and you will build a confidence unlike anything you have yet had – but you have to shut him out completely.If there is anything you want to say to him, do it now, say it all.. but then close this chapter, and put it behind you 100%
I repeat, it is NOT healthy for you to be waiting around for a guy that’s only thinking of you ‘some days’, and is fancying someone else right now. Grieve him like he’s gone forever, and get the help you need now. Yes, he has valid points, yes he’s been respectable, but he shouldn’t have led you on and he has. What he should have told you is that he wants a few years to himself, because that is what i’m sensing he really means.
I’m feeling defensive of you and I’m not happy about how he’s been stringing you on.
Sending lots of hugs!! Atea you’re awesome, you don’t need this!! Part of being responsible for ourselves is also to weed out things that hurt us and right now he is hurting you.
Oh and @Belle I’m really enjoying the book:) Your book recommendations are great! Keep ’em coming if you have any more:)
@mike2014
Yes I know, I’ve got to get myself out there.. but I can’t help feeling like I need this time, as if there is something I am supposed to learn from this time. It’s weird.
I really do think you should go for that leap of faith – don’t let fear hold you back this time.
@Belle yay! See, exes do come back, and so will this ex. Just a shame he treated you this way! His loss. Hope you feel better soon!
@atea1234
Thanks:) I really do feel like i’m lingering with moving on, but yes I suppose it’s understandable and I really feel like taking this time is something I have to do. I think you will be ready to move on, when the time is right. And what you are telling yourself is true – this is all temporary.So everything is happening quite fast for me right now, and i’m trying to hold back because I don’t feel like I have done enough processing with the relationship. The ripped hunky guy that Belle sent me has responded, and wants to meet for coffee soon! I am so not ready for that, and I have no idea how to respond! I do fancy him though. I feel like life is trying to move me on and i’m there going “noooo i’m not done yet!”.
I tried typing up an email, but it just turned into a very angry rant at him. For me to rant at him would help me, but it wouldn’t help a possible reconciliation. I’m not sure what to do… perhaps blend in some rants with what i’ve learned about myself. Any ideas?
