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Just read this thing about men who are acting angry from guilt, from Rori Raye.
It’s saying what works is being totally authentic with them and speaking the truth WITHOUT making them responsible for anything you feel, and keeping your heart open and warm.It says men are predictable when they’re angry, they get angry when they feel bad about themselves or feel ineffectual – that they can’t make things happen, can’t change their circumstances, help someone, or make us happy and may feel they’re always disappointing us. They could feel guilty for doing something that hurt us, or for something that made them feel like less of a man, like screwing up all the time.
If he’s angry from this he will typically: bark, blame you for anything he can find, put you down, attack you, bring up stuff he knows will push your buttons, ask questions that start a fight trying to provoke you to attack him, withdraw, gets sullen, quiet or depressed, tired, listless, buries himself in work, hobbies or friends, or starts up with other women.
These are habitual patterns they learned growing up and still use as survival mechanisms.
When we walk into their web of patterns like this, it triggers our web of patterns, our habitual response, which may again trigger theirs and so it continues.It goes on to say that all a man wants is to feel good, to feel he’s not disappointing you, that he’s not ineffectual, that he’s your hero.
However we shouldn’t try to help them, as that could be seen as mothering and demeaning.So be aware of how you respond to his habitual responses, and stop your typical response before you trigger his again in return.
Rori Raye says the best solution to this is to get silly, laugh, find all the humour you can in everything but don’t laugh AT him, laugh at yourself for something you forgot or something you saw during the day. I guess to make the situation less threatening – and to practice enjoying life regardless of how he’s behaving and not let it affect you as to trigger your response firing back at him.
What do you think of this @mike2014 anything to it?
My ex has said many times that he felt like he couldn’t make me happy.
Before the break up but after he moved out, I was acutely hospitalised for a stomach problem. He showed up and was very attentive, and I called him my hero as he helped me so much that day. I also told him very openly that I was so upset by something he had said before (a huge misunderstanding), that unless I had been hospitalised I didn’t know if I would have spoken to him at all. He then asked me if I wanted to move in with him to where he was staying!
Next day: He didn’t show up for visiting hours like he said he would. When I called 4 hours after visiting hours had begun, he was still at his home. I said “I thought you were supposed to be here four hours ago?”. He then got very moody as he had been stressed that day with lots to do, and when he showed up, told me it had been a mistake to ask me to move in with him.So this really makes sense then! When I was calling him my hero, he wanted to live with me. When I was disappointed in him, and he probably felt guilty – he got angry and took it all back. I previously thought he had asked me to live with him out of fear of loosing me, but perhaps it was more that he felt like he was useful towards my well-being and happiness that day.
Does any of this ring a bell for your past relationship with you ex, Belle?
I’ve been very independent in a practical sense, so I definitely think my ex has had moments of not feeling useful and even emasculated, I’d always carry my own bags even when he wanted to help (my reasoning: I wanted to prove I was independent) and not let him pay for things when he wanted to (my reasoning: he felt obliged to pay, he had less cash at the time or this would make him happy). I didn’t get that what would have made him happy was to feel like a man, being able to look after his woman and to have her adore him for it. I was too busy trying to seem strong!
Through talking with my ex when I complained that he wasn’t being emotionally supportive enough though, he would say that he felt anything he tried to do to help would end up being wrong and result in an argument so he felt it safer to not do anything (he’s not a natural with emotional women).
When he didn’t do anything, he came across completely cold so I thought he didn’t care about my issues, not knowing he was really just afraid of how to handle the situation and of doing something wrong. I would then get upset with him for acting so cold or unaffected, thinking he didn’t love me, and it would lead to an argument. I would say things like “If you love someone you care about their issues!” and the poor man would tense up knowing we were arguing, what felt to him like a mine field where anything he said wrong could elevate the situation so he just went quiet, furthering my frustration and causing me low-self esteem as I thought he couldn’t care less, and then that argument would be one to look back on as not to want to go there again – his next tactic then being never to ask about my issues! Then I thought he definitely didn’t care about me as he wasn’t even bothered to ask.I can see it all now. What a mess! I’ve already unraveled this and part of this was in my apology email to him, but I didn’t see it as clearly as now with the examples. My poor ex must have been really afraid, and I had absolutely no idea. I think he definitely DID NOT feel like my hero. So I guess I know what to do… be bloody grateful the next time he tries to help with anything, and thank him lots for the times he did help. Any other suggestions?
Does anyone relate to these sorts of situations?
Good morning! Here’s my essay, and it’s a bit confusing (because I’m confused) – your welcome 😛
Thank you for your response! Yes I know I can’t take all the blame, but he had a hard time dealing with my personal difficulties (stress from outside the relationship)- he should have said, and I should have picked up on it more or reasoned myself to it. I feel terrible that I caused him this much stress. I’m also angry that he feels the need to tell me all this as we’re done now and he knows how much I had to deal with myself.
Yes atea this is definitely the beginning of a transition.
I don’t take anything from that my ex is still communicating was it would have to go very far for him not to respond at all.
Yes I think it’s possible that like you, I may reach a point in the future where I’ve had enough rejection. I don’t see it happening soon though as he’s being polite (apart from the hurtful things) and did say he has “ridiculously strong feelings” for me in his email.
I don’t know what to make of that! I’m confused that he has such strong feelings but doesn’t want to be with me ever again and doesn’t seem bothered about not seeing me again. Perhaps it’s a front as to not bicker on his decision or his feelings aren’t as strong as he says, or it’s that he feels being with me is just too hard despite the feelings he has. He has said he’s not in love with me anymore (though he loves me) so that probably contributes. It’s all so confusing isn’t it?By the way I’m so happy to hear you’re doing better these days, and that your date went well! It does seem like you’re past the worst now, and being in a state of feeling numb is far better than before! I know you still have a long journey ahead of you, but perhaps it’s shorter than you think. I hope so for all of us, though I really cannot imagine it myself! I imagine I’ll still pine for him 10 years from now.
Funny you should mention meeting him for a talk! Without having brought it up here yet, I am planning on showing up on his doorstep for a talk. I know a few of you may disagree with this but I’m quite sure I will go ahead with it anyway.
As he was so hot and cold around the time of break up, I need to meet him in person and see if he’s still fixed on his decision then. I don’t imagine it will change anything, but a talk might help to leave everything bad that happened between us in the past.I’ve thought about whether or not it’s true or vindictive what he said about, and I think it’s a bit of both. It’s true and he’s happier now and proud of it, wanting to rub it in my face, also true he was in such a bad state during our relationship, but him telling me that and blaming it on me once it’s all done – I just don’t know. Perhaps a way of getting out of guilt.
Perhaps he felt I hijacked the role of being the one with the problems so the wants to highlight how it wasn’t just me finding things very difficult. I used to get very frustrated with that he would ONLY bring up his issues right after I had told him something that bothered me about him. To me it felt like he was throwing shade back at me, and as he never brought these things up on other occasions I assumed they weren’t that serious and that he was just trying to deflect from my issues (when I understand now that they were serious but he was attempting to suppress them though he couldn’t suppress once I opened up an emotional channel) – he has said this is what it was and that he got really hurt when I would open up a can of worms and not want to listen to the problems he had as well (as I accused him of deflecting).
Basically I overestimated his sensitivity and made false assumptions, judged him for ulterior motives like copping out of responsibility by deflecting, so I wasn’t listening well enough.I have already apologised to him in my second email, and on the phone, in a very clear way whereby I have shown him that I’m aware of how he must have felt. But I do agree, it would be good to do it in person as well as to show how extremely sorry I am. I agree it’s probably best of me to be the bigger person first because I don’t think he would be otherwise!! After my second email (the apology one) he told me he would send me a similar email but needs time to figure out what to put in it.
“I feel like your relationship suffered due to poor communication – he couldn’t communicate what was bothering him and you couldn’t what was bothering you in a way that he was capable of understanding or responding” Yes! Absolutely! And the lack of communication was due to not being able to see the woods for the trees, we were together too much and lost our perspectives, we were also both very fearful of saying the wrong things to each other in case it would lead to arguments or a break up – and then it all became too much. When he moved out (it was a rushed thing where he didn’t even want to, and thought I wanted him to when I didn’t – yep lack of basic communication) after some time of being extremely emotionally unstable and being very cruel to me he got his perspective back and found our relationship to be unhealthy, also possibly the realisation that living without me was a relief, and decided to break up when I, out of frustration over his ambivalence, demanded a decision from him.
It’s all very painful for my ego, and so hard to know I hurt him so bad without knowing. Clearly he was being way too polite and bottling things up, and it all blew up which is why he became so cruel towards the end.
I agree with you that I should be focusing on seeing his side, which is most of what I been doing ever since it hit me a few weeks ago that his lack of empathy at face value could be suppressed guilt instead. It hit me hard to hear how bad it really was for him, but I’m glad he got my second email the very moment he sent me his as he then saw I had reached the same conclusions as him uninfluenced by anything he said.
I have to be careful though because this man has fooled me quite a few times and I’ve ended up being a doormat, not standing up for myself at all. He has been manipulative in the past so I have to be careful in recognising what’s manipulation and what’s true.
I’m sorry you had to hear your ex say he’s stopped loving you. I can’t imagine how hearing that would feel:( I hope you’re doing alright!
Yes it’s perfectly possible to love someone whilst not liking them as a person. Ironically I’ve said that exact thing to my ex once “I love you but I don’t know if I like you as a person” after he had deeply upset me and I questioned his character, so I second you there! My ex was of course very hurt by this in return, as I would have been myself had someone said that to me.I also very well understand how you feel in that your ex has taken a lot away from you, I feel the same. There’s not much we can do about it other than look for hidden blessings! Also try to make up for those years.
And who knows, perhaps this was exactly how our lives were mean to play out, perhaps we will be able to connect those dots later on.I’m not in a place where I can appreciate the happy memories yet. To me they’re just sad reminders of something that won’t happen again, a reminder that those memories weren’t enough for him to want to keep me around, and I wish I could rewrite them and have spent time with my friends or someone who would stick around instead. Anyhow it’s still possible that it’s all a huge blessing in disguise that will reveal itself later. I think that’s what we should take from it. Somehow this will all be useful!
unimare you’ve got to love yourself first, before anyone else can. I hope you do and that his comment hasn’t upset you too much. Don’t let one persons opinion determine anything about you. You determine yourself. In the end we should all place prices on ourselves and we should not be influenced by having been given a poor value estimate from another. Remember anyone could throw away a fine piece of art if they don’t know it’s value. KNOW your value and others will too!
Not sure if that helped any or was relevant but I hope so!You said he’s blaming me 100% like your ex. To a degree I think you’re right, that he’s finding it easier to blame me and say it was all terrible for him being in the relationship than to feel his own guilt for his behaviour (not even saying goodbye).
However everything he says is true! He was depressed and highly stressed at the time which I can easily see now, retrospectively. It’s just that the fact that he was feeling so terrible isn’t my fault as he genuinely came across coldblooded on many occasions, I did definitely have reason to be as upset with him as I was, it’s just that we should have discussed his problems more in addition to my own.
I get that he feels resentment for that, albeit it was his own responsibility to come to me with the problems he had with me and to communicate his reservations as unimare put it.
I still feel bad for not being a bit smarter at the time though.I’m also hoping, like you say, that in time he will realise how hard things were on my part and that he communicates this as to show he can place himself in my shoes and gets it.
I’m not holding my breath for that one though as it’s an issue that has always been there between us, the inability he has to show that he can place himself in my shoes. It’s always “BUT you did this to me 6 years ago!!!”. Sort of what he’s doing now isn’t it? How he responded to my email of ranting about my feelings and direct questions to him by saying I gave him heart palps etc. He said sorry he upset me and blamed it on clouded judgement caused by the stress I gave him – again sort of the same isn’t it? He’s not saying “I’m so sorry, that never should have happened, I messed up badly and I understand how upset you are”. There’s always a but or because that twists it, invalidates my feelings, or makes it my fault.Haha he actually blamed me once for that he found another girl pretty. Because I asked I had shifted his perception so it was therefore my fault.
So I don’t doubt he had a hard time with me, but I wish he could apologise properly for what he did wrong without somehow twisting that into being my fault. He did give me a proper apology for not saying goodbye to me, around xmas on the phone, and that’s about the first time I’ve had a proper one. He told me on the phone that recently is the first time he was able to mentalise himself in the third person. I find this so odd as I thought we all could! Perhaps it can explain some things.
Belle I can imagine it’s hard to deal with someone who will only hear what they want!! In a sense I think I may be guilty of this too because my ex did try to explain how he felt but all I heard was “I don’t care about your issue so I’m just trying to deflect it”. I think this is something that time and processing can solve, and I do believe your ex will get there! It may take him a little while though. I understood that I’d not been listening well enough from having spent time apart and going over old emails. Let’s hope he’s doing that!
It definitely sounds like your ex was talking prefabricated bollocks, but it is important to also explore whether he bottled things up like my ex did as well. Not having thought about his feelings, where they’re really coming from, it’s all coming out in different channels (like being upset about the parking lot). Men have so much pride and I think many of them would rather be mad about something that doesn’t emasculate them than something that does (your ex feeling less than as you broke up)
It’s all that conditioning like unimare said, they don’t want to seem weak so they find some excuse or other reason to be angry.I agree, we get used to our situations and put up with them until something snaps, like how our exes snapped. I also agree everything should have been talked about and it was all poor communication for both of our relationships.
Not feeling heard must have been very difficult and I can understand how you broke up with him when you did. It’s hard when they won’t even listen to that they’re not listening. It makes it all seem futile, and I’m ashamed that this could be how my ex felt about me on the occasions he did try to tell me how he felt (after I brought something up).
I completely get that you canceled your date. I canceled one around a week ago as well, as it just didn’t feel right. I may be going on a date with hunk tomorrow, I’m waiting for his confirmation. My expectations have gone down about it and I feel it’s likely I could feel worse about my ex after – but I think it’s time for me to try this and that he’s the right one to meet.
Belle just let your ex be bitter, and keep apologising. Once you’ve done that, try backing off a bit to see if he comes crawling back a little.
@mike2014 thank you for your responseI really don’t know. You say if he’s got a need to say that he’s happier than ever and put the blame solely on me then he’s bullshitting and deflecting. And that if you really care about someone you don’t act like that.
I agree, but I think you can act like that and care, but – if you’re afraid of loosing someone you wouldn’t! Think about it… often people can be most rude to our families because we know they won’t just leave us!!
I don’t think our man exes are afraid of loosing us, thinking we’ll be there if they ever change their minds, which is why they aren’t worried about having to admit their mistakes. They probably do feel guilty (Belle your ex and your son) which is why they’re feeling the need to deflect blame away from themselves as to give them relief, on top of genuine hurt feelings. Maybe they do want to explore other options but can’t say that as they would feel too guilty for it, perhaps it’s easier to say there is something wrong with us. There is probably a lot to what they’re saying they’re upset about though but I don’t think in my case and possibly Belle’s it doesn’t quite justify the break up (my relationship was on the finish line of stress factors as he broke up).I’m happy to hear you’re open and honest about mistakes Mike!! I really don’t know what to make of your ex… I’ve had a thought. What if she cheated on you and feels terrible about it, so she felt she had to break up? I can’t wrap my head around her, as she’s being so emotional around you.
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All this typing has been really confusing and a bit stressful. It makes me realise just how complicated it all is!
I’ve started questioning things all over again.. Was it all really this bad for him, is he deflecting, or is it a bit of both? Did he really bottle up guilt, or does he use that as an excuse to get away from the consequences of his bad behaviour? Does he just hate to be confronted about being wrong or having done something wrong?
So confusing. I’m going to give him the benefit of the doubt though. I won’t get anywhere by being cross with him anyway so I’ll apologise extensively and see if that warms him up. If he does feel bad then I assume he would want to apologise to me properly once he doesn’t feel bitter towards me for what I’ve done to upset him, or once he doesn’t feel as guilty (bottled up as cold pride) when I’ve admitted enough that it’s very much my fault too.I’m sorry for the length and probably a bit confusing and repetitive post here! I’m flushing things out! Can’t thank you guys enough for the feedback, and help to process everything! Oh and by the way, I dreamt that I was with my ex, giving him away to a younger, prettier thing and saying that yes, I believed she would be good for him. I was sad, but happy about his choice as I had thought she was a good person. Weird huh?
Gosh tonight has just been horrible!! Although I’m sorry to hear you have all had bad nights tonight, it does somehow help to know we’re not alone don’t you think?
I hyperventilated two times today from all this and have been crying so much. I went a bit nuts and started texting him about all sorts. I told him I was feeling very lonely tonight, and asked if he too had those nights. He said “I guess, sometimes”. I called him but he was on the phone, and when he was done, over an hour later, he asked if it was important as he was sleepy and I said no, another time.
I read through his email response again and he is basically saying that being with me the past three years was hell, how our arguments gave him heart palpitations and he was in a constant state of fear and stress. I’m just so upset! It’s so frustrating that he’s telling me all this now, now that I cannot do anything about it! I had absolutely no idea it was this bad for him, and I feel terrible. Our arguments were over me being upset with something he had done, and I did have reason to be upset! For instance forgetting our 10 year anniversary and once reminded spending it getting high and playing computer games with his friends. Those sorts of things would upset me and make me feel worth very little. There’s an internal battle now where I don’t know how I could have caused him this much pain (when I was the one in pain from his actions), I feel so bad but I also feel so angry that he didn’t tell me and for how he treated me. I don’t know what think anymore… perhaps it was all my fault?
How can he be this fine with not having said goodbye to me and never seeing me again ever? I suppose knowing now how he really felt during the last years of our relationship answers that question… Who on earth wants to go back to someone that gave them heart palpitations and when they’re happier now? Tonight I actually felt like I was dying as I was hyperventilating, but I’m living on the fact that I had an amazing valentines day. My friends say I’m one of the most chill and level headed persons they know so I just don’t know how to add this all up. Then again my friends were not in a relationship with me…It’s all so unfortunate and I completely feel everything all of you are saying! I want to say “how can they throw it all away?” as well but in my case I’ve realised there wasn’t much to throw away apparently but rather something to be freed of. My ego is so hurt by this right now! Him saying people say he’s so much happier now and seems like a new person has really crushed me, and that he only feels lonely sometimes but then goes off to play computer games and is fine again. He lives alone, doesn’t know many people in his city and doesn’t even seem to miss me. Am I that horrible? Is he somehow doing this on purpose to make me feel bad? It really seemed like he was showing off to me when he repeated it on the phone, wanting to rub it in my face. Is he making me out to be the bad guy so he doesn’t have to feel guilty for the things he did? I have to talk to him about this… I can’t understand why he felt it necessary to tell me he’s seeming so happy and to tell me how awful everything was for him when he knows so well how destroyed I was by everything he did. I don’t understand his actions and I’m so confused. This feels like yet another slap in the face but this time it feels like it’s entirely on purpose.
I stayed round a friend’s and I’ve been a little busy which is why I haven’t been writing so much. I’m going to be a bit of a nomad for a while. I don’t feel like I have a home anymore as my home was with him…
My mom told me to count my blessings, so I’ll be trying to do that. She told me he’s thinking of everything that’s going well in his life and so it grows, whereas I’m thinking of all that’s gone wrong, and so that grows.As for my plan ahead – I got none. At this point I’ll just be contacting him when I really feel like it. I’m in a state of f**k it, the guy doesn’t want me ever again anyway so what have I got to loose. If I felt there was real hope I would play it cool but despite my gut feeling – the reality is he’s told me many times now we won’t work again.
Sorry for the rant and being dramatic, I’ve been particularly emotional the past few days. that rant did help a bit though. I hope you all wake up feeling better!!! I’m off to bed now and I’ll be listing up my blessings. We have to get through this guys! I wish I had a magic wand to fix us all! What a ride this is
@mike2014 Yes I’m here! A lot going on at the minute so I’ll try to respond to things at a later point. My valentines was really good, spent it partying and didn’t even think of my ex as I was having too much fun:) It was the best possible valentines day I could have had considering everything.
A big contrast from how I feel today! I’m trying to resist contacting him.There are quite a few interested guys, but I’m being very cold towards them. I don’t want to date around because that could make me move on from my ex (or feel more pain as they won’t compare), and I guess a large part of me actually doesn’t want to move on. I still have hope, so I’m unable to face that there is no way of getting him back. It just won’t sink in that he’s willing to let me go – that he has let me go. I’m also worried that if I do move on, I won’t want him back even if he does change his mind. I want him to want me back and I want to want that as well. So complicated isn’t it?
Yes, @Belle is right, I prefer being private but I can say her guess was the closest.
@Belle I’m happy you got a positive result, that he’s responsive towards you. He probably has a lot that he needs to get out of his system, so perhaps you should allow him to do just that. I’m imagining he had a lot of bottled up feelings that he didn’t tell you about in fear of loosing you, but now that he has he feels he can bring it up. It seems like he’s a lot more of a sensitive person than perhaps previously though. I hope that in his own time he will realise that he himself is responsible for what happens in his life.
I love how you told him you would embrace the decision of changing his phone number. I can understand how sad this would make you, but it’s brilliant that you have the fight in you to say that! You’re showing your worth and I think that’s fantastic – he will pick up on that. Wish I had a bit of that!
@atea1234
Thank you for the hugs!
It must have hurt you so much having him say that to you, looking you in the eye. It really is a soul-crushing thing to hear. I just feel so lost from it, and not getting that text response.
It sounds like you really have some amazing girl friends! I’m not great at reaching out to my friends. I think they get quite confused as some days I miss him terribly, but other days I’m so upset or angry with how he treated me and they don’t want me going back to him. Unlike you, I don’t always find that I feel better from talking to them, and I worry they’re quite sick of hearing about my relationship haha! You are definitely really lucky to have friends like that, who will plan a valentines day for you! Also I agree, an ex developing feelings can be more scary than them sleeping with someone.
It’s so hard to pull myself from this dark hole. I fell asleep after my last post and woke up now, I can’t even sleep from it! I hope you feel better soon atea, you’re remarkably strong and capable! I really admire you and Belle both!A good friend of mine just said “yes he’s so happy and to prove that he’s so deliriously happy he needs to rub it in your face. because that’s what happy people do” haha. I really hope she has a point?
Thank you so much, that was a great response and you’re so right about everything. I do hope there is only one way to go from here. Bless you for saying I’m a fighter with too much life inside me to let this drag me down for too long. I don’t know if I am, but I’ll try to be.
I so hope I can look back at this as a blip.
You’re right, we are stuck here today in the right now, and cannot see the future. If we did we might not be so worried. I guess that’s why we go to psychics and do tarot card readings!
We truly are creatures of comfort, and I guess we’re all worried our sense of comfort is gone for good, that we won’t find the same sense of comfort and happiness with someone else.Well your example of how you met ex, not really thinking that much of him at the time, shows us how we should give people a chance. That’s how I met my ex too, I didn’t think that much of him in the beginning, but over time I fell deeply.
Still no text. I’m resisting the urge to reach out, and feeling a bit nuts over this. Feeling desperate for some reassurance that he’s thinking about me, wanting some hope to grasp onto.
He has a busy life where he’s needed and praised at work so we are in two very different life situations, he can easily be distracted. I’m here at home with a lot of drama in my personal life, not yet having found my path in life. I’m considering going to Bali with a friend in a few weeks. I don’t really have the funds for it, but perhaps it’s something I need to do and should spend some savings on. My life is all tangles right now and I’ve got to de-tangle it and create something great though I’m at a loss as for how I can do that. My heart is really bleeding tonight.
Do you think I should tell him how what he said upset me? Should I tell him what I’m going through? My mind says no but again I’m feeling desperate.I thought about how I would like to be sedated and wake up a few months from now, but then how that wouldn’t make a difference because I would still be feeling like this was all yesterday as we wouldn’t have any perception of events having happened in between then and now. It made me think about time, and how our sense of time is determined by occurring events. Perhaps the busier and more things we experience, the more sense we will get that a lot of time has passed, and the more we would be able to distance ourselves from everything. I think that’s how my ex feels as he has been busier. Perhaps I need a bit of a more eventful life.
Sorry for ranting away guys but this is just so difficult and I don’t know where to turn.
@atea1234
I don’t think closure will be nice for me, It would only hurt knowing closure is what it is. I know a lot of people marry, divorce and re-marry, but with my ex I’m thinking this is done for good:( We spent too many miserable years towards the end and as painful as it is to say, I completely get that he’s happier without me. I come with a lot of baggage and perhaps I should only be happy he lasted as long as he did. He was really brought to the point of exhaustion by our arguments and the stress, and I don’t see how anyone would find that appealing to go back to.I’m crying now:(
Yes, I do have to keep moving forwards and hope that one day these wounds will be healed. I think his willingness to communicate stemmed from nostalgia and wanting closure himself, especially for the guilt he himself felt for how he acted towards me.
I completely understand how you feel. Even if there was a minuscule chance (which I don’t think there is) of getting back with my ex, it would also feel tarnished if I knew he had slept with someone else, It would never be the same – so I definitely feel your sadness over that!
It’s not a bad thing that your ex is seeing someone else, as that is what he set out to do. Regardless of that, I completely feel you, I would be very upset too, and all in all I’m just so impressed with how capable you are and how you are handling it all so well!
It can’t be easy not knowing what the future holds, and having been given reason to hold onto hope. You do need to let go a little, but naturally, little by little, you will. We are all highly adaptive human beings, so staying in NC will make you adapt and you will find ways to be happy without him for now!!Thank you for the wine, chocolate and hunky men, though i’ll pass on the weed! Taking in the hugs!!
Sure thing, the small amounts of hope do just send crushing tidal waves of rejection.The truth is — I am still hopeful, and I realise this tidal wave can come in tenfold if I hold onto this hope too much, that’s why I’m here being all doom and gloomy. As if I’m typing to you ladies wanting to convince myself that he’s not going to reply to my text, he might not even email me, I’ve read into things too much and he is done for goood.
It is all so exhausting and my stress has reached a whole new level.It’s true we have all learnt a lot, which will be handy for our next relationships. I’m aware I’m being a bit negative here, but I just cannot see myself happy with someone else ever. I know that may change though, but the journey to that will be long.
Yes it was far fetched him writing that in the email, and then feeling the need to tell me on the phone as well. Part of me wants to tell him how much that upset me, but I don’t know if it’s worth it.
I do believe him, that people are commenting on how happy he seems, and I do believe that he is happier now, and that he was very very miserable towards the end. It feels so incredibly unfair for him to be this happy now, when I’m at the point of almost wishing myself dead. There is no doubt that I placed way too many eggs in one basket, and now he’s taken the basket leaving me with hardly any eggs left.I so wish that you’re right, that it’s a happy front, but I don’t believe it:( If he is struggling and misses me lots, he would have responded to my text, at least that’s my take on it. I feel as though the lack or text response is almost like a slap in the face saying everything that gave me hope on the phone was just in the moment and not lasting.
I apologise for being quite gloomy today, but I’m just so upset. Meanwhile, he’s off at a party tonight having a great time. I know it sounds dramatic but I feel as though he has chainsawed my heart into pieces.I definitely need some sleep, some exercise tomorrow morning, and to see some friends this weekend. I’ve been good with getting a few things done as I’ve been thinking that whilst in a valley I should prepare for a peak. Belle I can’t thank you enough for recommending that book!
I’m excited about your situation for you, and it seems like things are going well so far!
Thank you, I don’t think they see a change in him because they’re seeing him more though, as he said that even random people have been coming up to him telling him he looks so happy.
Honestly, it’s so painful to know. I almost don’t know what to do with myself.This is turning into a bit of an emotional crisis… Dear god please let him text me a response tonight.
Yep it really was a punch to the stomach and I’m still feeling it. I’m not sure his happiness and relief will pass and turn into missing me, as he was struggling for a long time in our relationship. The sad truth of it is that my mistrust in him and everything difficult going on in my life was really bringing him down, which I understand. I just wish I had known, that he had told me, as I wasn’t aware how badly he was taking everything. His boundaries were invisible, but I should have known they were there, and understood his hints. I will never be so emotionally open and expecting of a man again, because it just ends in tears.
I stupidly sent a friendly text last night, after we had spoken. I didn’t get a response, though I didn’t ask any questions either, but I added a link to a funny video. I think I just should have left it with the phone call. I take his lack of reply as an “oh no, we’re not that close!! Don’t you read into anything from last night!!”.
I’m definitely going to give him space. Sadly though, I think this is the end… He will be sending me an email but there won’t be any hints of reconciliation in it, it will be his closure:(
And I know I will be crushed once more when I read it… if he still hasn’t replied to my text until tomorrow, I’ll take that as a clear sign from him that nothing will come from further contact and this is set in stone.
@Belle yes absolutely it was equally painful to hear he doesn’t see us getting together again, however he has already said that before – but hearing that he’s happier without me was novel. I wish he hadn’t told me.And I agree, nobody works in bad times. Maybe he will find out one day how good we actually did work considering the issues we were under both in the relationship and outside of it – though I sort of don’t imagine he will have a relationship as bad as what we had towards the end. And yes we did last 10 years, though a lot of it was rocky. In the end he didn’t want to stick it out even though we were quite close to a phase where there would have been far less stress involved.
It hurts me sooo much to hear others are noticing and commenting on how happy he seems. It really crushes me actually, I find it hard finding appropriate words to describe how I feel about it, soul-crushed perhaps. Did I really drag him down that much?? I feel sick when I think about it, considering how much of a wreck I am and have been all this time! I agree if those words had come from your ex, they would have been said in spite. However my ex seemed proud of himself, and like he wanted to share his happiness about how others are saying he’s happier, not considering how it would make me feel to hear it. I think he used it more as a way to justify to me that he made the right decision to break up because he’s happier now. Ugh I’m utterly crushed. I wish I could get a hug from you because I really need one right about now! I feel like my life is falling to pieces. He really didn’t need to tell me that…!! Of course he’s not going to ever want to be with me again if he’s seeming happier than he’s been in years now!! It’s over, he didn’t respond to my text, and I was stupid and naive to be so hopeful last night. This is so destructive to my self-confidence, I’m not entirely sure how to handle this.
Yes I thought he had something going on with a girl he met while we were together, and that’s still possible. I don’t want to go into it, but I do have reason to suspect it, and everyone I tell agrees. It’s clear that if there is something between them, it’s not serious, because I hope to god he would have told me if it was.
Although I felt better and hopeful last night, I really don’t at all today. His lack of response to my text sets the bar for where he stands, and considering everything he said, there is no reason to believe he will ever want to be with me or see me again. I’m now thinking this was more closure to him, than starting up something (which I stupidly felt it could be last night). Yep we are definitely in it for the long run, Belle!
You’re right, I should not at all wait for him, though I do of course feel anticipation for his response to my second email, maybe just to get it done and rip the bandage off already. I was such a fool for being hopeful! It’s like realising all over again that we’re through, yet I can’t still comprehend it. I’m sorry for repeating myself a bit here, I’m just really quite emotionalI didn’t sleep much at all! A friend called me after that needing someone to talk to, so I’m quite exhausted.
I want to read his email response again, but I can’t bring myself to it. It’s going to hurt too much.
I agree, it is staggering how your ex is behaving towards you and your son after having been in such long relationship with you. I think if he can forget you this easily Belle, you should do whatever it takes not to pine for him.
I completely understand why you have kept it from the people around you. It’s all a very vulnerable situation and getting sympathy and pity can make it harder at times. However it could help you to get support, so when you’re ready I do think you should begin to let people know.I can’t tell you if this is him just being bitter, him moving on from the relationship or both. But I can tell you that you have to treat this as him moving on. That’s the information you have been given, so that’s what you should attempt to come to terms with and work with here. Yes, he is quite screwed up, and it’s screwed up that we can pine for people who treat us so horribly and are so neglectful.
@atea1234 I really feel for you. I would be panicking just as much as you, if not more. He has told you he will say if things get serious, so at least you have that. To be honest I think you could benefit from thinking worst case scenario here… that way you won’t get as upset if it happens and you will be positively surprised if it doesn’t. What do you think? Will you still hold up hope and wait for him to reach out on your birthday? And I agree, the best you can do is try to put him in a little box like Belle talked about, and leave him there for now, go out and enjoy your date!Haha, thank you @Belle!!
I don’t know where the break up warrior queen went, I think she said something about being back soon. I hope she meant it!Gosh I am scared. He’s read it and he said he’s going to reply to every question. I’m expecting short, cold and to the point answers. I agree, I do have a right to know! And it’s better to know than not, I hope.
I agree with your therapist, once relationships get out of sync nobody listens to each other. That’s what was going on between us towards the end, nobody was listening and frankly none of us were really communicating.
Yes we definitely need to take that step back, or rather step out into life and away from the past and future we had imagined. I laughed because you’re so right about the wide eyed look not knowing which way to turn, in the middle of a wreckage.
And D did indeed come back. That should relax all of us, especially you Belle! Your ex is only being an arse away from you because he can’t treat you like that to your face, he would feel guilty if he did! He’s highly emotional and I do believe that will ease, but it’s not anything you should wait around for! You’re too precious for that.
Thank you for the reassurance! Taking deep breaths here!
@atea1234 Thank you!! You’re so right… Don’t be ruled by fear. Thanks for reminding me of that!
And also thank you for reminding me that what he responds may not be the be all end all. My ex has also been extremely up and down so I’m aware he can change his mind a lot.
You’re right, time will tell everything. Yes, we’ve got to try to let things unfold naturally and not be too controlling of everything. We sure did loose a lot of our sense of control as we were broken up with, but we should embrace the uncertainties of life and not fear them.Ladies…
He just text me saying he can’t respond until Friday. He seemed quite humble in his texts, and he was doing a lot of excusing for why he can’t respond sooner, even after I said it was ok.
Okay now he text me saying screw it, he’ll respond now and wants my second email straight away when he’s hit send. This is all going down ladies! I asked him if he’s sure, and he hasn’t responded yet. I don’t know if he is passed out asleep or busy typing a response still. Ugh I’m nervous. I don’t want to be crushed again. Counting minutes here.Okay I’m writing this as it happens. He responded, rather coldly, to everything. He stated he did not cheat on me like I thought he had, and I actually sort of believe him this time, it was just unfortunate how it all seemed that way. He told me everyone says he seems so much happier these days, and he’s smiling a lot more. That was like a punch to my stomach. However he also stated that isn’t because he’s single but because a cloud has lifted from him, that he had over himself during the relationship. Still kinda hurts me to hear that. Also that he cannot imagine us together ever again because we don’t work during the hard times, only the good.
So he asked for my second email the second he had sent this. He got it, and so we were both there reading each others emails. He called me, and thanked me over and over, saying he will forever treasure the second email I sent and that it really resonated with him – and it sounded like he was crying. We hung up as I hadn’t read the rest of his email. This was when I read the part about him never wanting to be with me again. I told him I had read the whole thing but didn’t want to talk. He then texted me back that we should talk, and he called. I didn’t pick up (I was crying), but eventually called him back. We spoke for an hour I think… He wants to send me a reply to my second email, but doesn’t want me to wait for it as it may take him some time. We spoke about the emails and about all sorts, and he seemed happy to talk to me. He hopes we can stay in contact and talk like this more. At one point it almost seemed like he was making attempts to flirt, he was definitely making jokes and trying to make me laugh and he asked “so what else is new in your life” hinting towards wanting to know my status with other men, which I dodged. I was the one to end the call as he seemed sleepy and has work. I tried to end it twice before but he wanted to keep talking. Of course I’m happy, but I cannot read into this too much. The man has specifically stated that he never wants to get back with me again, and that we don’t work as a couple. I don’t know how I feel. I can’t sleep. I keep thinking of how everyone else is saying he seems so much happier without me. What an awful thing. They must all be thinking good riddance:( Nobody knows what this man put me through at all as I kept everything secret, and they’re there probably thinking I was the only one that ruined our relationship and I must have been a bitch. Good thing he at least knows that’s not the truth… To be honest I think it’s rather unnecessary of him to tell me how happy he seems to everyone else now, he repeated it in the phone call even. Don’t you agree? Here I am wanting to die and he’s happier than ever. I don’t know what to make of this or how I feel.
@maebe
I’m so happy that you typed up this post, because I have been feeling the exact same way that you’re describing! The only difference is I’ve lost my appetite, and I’m already too skinny.
I definitely agree that you should go cold turkey off alcohol and not have any until you feel emotionally stable. My mother always said don’t drink to forget, drink to celebrate. So don’t drink when you feel sad because it can intensify it, only drink to intensify the already good!I’m not doing NC at the moment, I’m in the middle of making contact to get closure, or see if any type of friendship can be formed. Before this I did 30 days of NC.
I really think you should do the following: get yourself a therapist, check out “Brad Yates” (especially his video on releasing emotional pain) and Actualized on youtube, read lots of self-help material, eat plenty but eat HEALTHY. You WILL feel better when you eat healthy, it just happens! Reach out to the people around you that care for you. Cry and let it out, and sleep on it!! however bad you feel, sleep on it.
I feel repulsed by other guys too – but I have actually met one other guy that I don’t feel repulsed by. That’s all it takes… just one guy. You will too, but the most important thing right now is that you work on yourself so you feel a tad more stable. You have your whole life in front of you, and as sad and as distressed as you are now, that DOES NOT equal that you will be forever, or even for very long. It is not a mathematical formula that has to be a certain way, and equal a certain result.As much as your ex was unique to you in so many ways, there will be men that will be unique to us in plenty of other ways too. It WILL get easier, I promise you!
I absolutely pined for a guy for two whole years before I met my ex. When I met him, the other guy was instantly forgotten. We never know when we’ll meet that person that heals our wounds and makes it all make sense again. Sometimes we have to be our own persons to make it all make sense.It’s possible your ex doesn’t care as little for you as it comes across, he could be acting cold on purpose as to do you “a favour”. If however, it is easy for him, then he’s not the right man for you anyway. I honestly believe that the universe will deliver what we want if we wish for it, though not always in the forms we had imagined, yet sometimes in better forms!
Overcoming this will make us all stronger in the long run. We have to embrace this challenge that was forced on us. We can learn a lot from it if we accept it as a challenge. That’s all we have to accept it as, just a challenge. Right now your challenge is to feel better on a general basis, and that’s all you should be doing and looking towards. I’m right here with you and I know how you feel. You have dared to express things in this post that I haven’t said out loud, and that’s a great start as you are being open about how you feel and seeking help. We need support during these times.
Can you think of anything that could make you feel better? We’ve got your back and we are all in this boat together. The boat is taking in water, it’s stormy and it’s raining – but we’re patching it up and soon we’ll be repainting it and setting sails in lovely weather! Hang in there, we will get through this together.I’ve sent the first email and I’m so afraid! I’ve ranted away at him and asked him lots of direct questions. Feel a bit like my bones have turned to jelly. This could definitely backfire but I had to do this. I’m scared of the answers and have a feeling this will leave me very crushed, but I had to do this for Aphrodite. I do feel quite strong though for going ahead with it. I’ll enjoy that feeling while I can…
I asked hunk if he wanted to meet up this weekend, and he couldn’t. Having a hard time finding a time that suits us both and it’s killing the excitement a bit! But a few more days gives me time to whiten up my smile at least!
I’ve been trying to control things a bit too much recently, and I’ve got to let it go, and go with the flow. What will be will be.
A chat with you ladies would have been so nice!:)
@Belle how was the facial?
My hangover was awful, I won’t be doing that again. It’s nice in the moment though, I don’t think about my ex when I’ve enough drinks and just think about the men I see around me. It’s an escape, but not a healthy one, so I’m done with that.
@atea1234
When I woke up this morning it took me an hour or so to get out of bed because that pain in my chest and stomach wouldn’t go away. It’s like that pretty much every morning and night. I feel as though everything is futile. Too much time has passed now, and it would be too hard for him to turn around on his decision now. Perhaps there was a time he would have been more flexible right after the break up, but I was too angry to talk to him then when he was wanting to talk to me. I will send the emails, but I know it won’t make a difference. I don’t think there is anything I can do. Most days I really do feel like I want to die, I just have to hang in there and hope it will change. I have never gotten over someone without finding a new love interest in the past, so I don’t know if it is possible for me to ever get over him unless I find someone I like better, which could take years and years. All feels lost.how are you belle and atea? unimare?
Hello,
I went out last night and did some heavy drinking. I found out, that’s no longer me. I feel like death!!!!! I’ll have a drink here and there but nothing like this.
I’ve felt quite lost as a person, not knowing who I am now that I’m single.. but at least now I know I’m not one for partying like this anymore!! Feeling absolutely awful, and really quite depressed too!!Mike I’m excited for you that you will have a chance to talk to her!
Atea, I feel for you, I know exactly how you feel. My ex was my best friend for 12 years. It’s so hard to know he has given that up. I also wake up every morning with a physical pain in my heart.
Did you do your tarot reading yet Belle?
Hello everyone.
I agree with what everyone has said to you @unimare and I’m glad you have sent it now and it’s off your chest!
Hang in there @atea1234 and @Belle!
Feeling very lethargic, depressed, demotivated and stressed at the same time. I’ll report back later, right now everything just feels rubbish!
I’ll be a break up warrior queen tomorrow
I know all relationships are different, but this just matched up entirely to what I’ve been suspecting about my ex. Somehow though I know my ex is possible to shift, I just know it. Not yet, but when I’ve recovered myself a lot. Perhaps then I won’t want him any longer though. I’ve gotta work on myself lots!!!
Yep, I’ve mentioned many times in the email that I really hope he will respond, so I hope he does. I might send it to him tomorrow, or ask him if there’s a time that would be good for him to receive it… Or is that me being a doormat? I really can’t tell!
He reacted negatively to me being a doormat, and he reacts negatively to me being angry with him. I need to find some middle ground. Overall it seems he was always most attracted to me when I showed confidence, when other guys were interested in me, and when I seemed disinterested in him.Okay well it seems like you really need this point in May in order to cope, atea. I’m getting that impression. So i think you should keep that in mind. Perhaps make it into some sort of game? You will do as much fun stuff as you can until may!
The timeline your therapist gave you is quite interesting… This sounds like something that could really help you! I don’t think I could rely on something like that personally though. I need to do what I can first to detox from everything that happened, then try to get him back, then i’ll give up and throw a cake in his face if all else fails.
Whoopsie daisy! Well sometimes we just have to do things enough times. I suggest you get it out of your system if there is any more (for example asking him specifically what it is about you that made him not be around anymore), but then finish it off.
Belle this man is an arse! Even my ex wouldn’t have said that to me! “I am no longer around due to the way you are!” that’s just straight up cruel. He’s really looking to punish you. In my opinion, the next thing he says shows that he has not closed the door. However, I think you should close it for him. Easier said than done, but Belle you can’t have this type of energy draining toxicity in your life. We are just faaaar too afraid of loosing people!!! We’re so terrified of the unknown and of not experiencing this or that again! We have to let that go.
To answer your questions specifically: Yes he’s pacifying you to get off his back, but more so to punish you, he’s even emphasising that he’s no longer around and has entirely placed himself on the pedestal. Yes he is without a shadow of a doubt still angry! Not the most tolerant of men at all.
Yes there is a minuscule chance, but only if you let him gooooo, and go find a nice hunk instead!Yes another couple of months of grief may seem pointless, but remember the peaks and valleys, prepare yourself for the next peak during this time because it will surely come! And NO 2015 will not be a long and sad year, it is going to positively surprise us! Do some LOA:)
Sending lots of hugs!!! Watch some films and comfort yourself now. This IS going to get better! Self help material Belle! That always makes me feel stronger.
Thank you for this response, and for going into it!
My guess is no too – that people in successful relationships do handle those situations differently.
I definitely think men feel overwhelmed and attacked with this form of communication, they feel interrogated and don’t dare tell us what they feel and think.
I really think what you said about taking breaks away from the situation is handy. I did that today, and I felt a lot better for it! It’s not something I usually do as I am normally confrontational straight away without having thought through the best way of communicating. Regarding the “when you do X then that makes me feel Y. it would be helpful if you did Z” — I tried that lots to absolutely no effect. Either he was completely fed up with me expressing how I felt about things, or I should have said it more like “So X happened, AND I felt Y. I would have loved it if Z had happened” – that way i’m not even saying “you” in there anywhere, I think this “you did… i feel because of you, you made me feel… you you” made him feel very accused and blamed. He was to blame mostly, but it isn’t exactly a helpful way to make him communicate I’ve found out.I agree – it is important that both are equally motivated to sort an issue out, and the majority of the time I was the only motivated one.
It kind of did help you saying he’s not being a very nice guy. I agree, but sometimes it’s hard to see it, as I don’t know if it’s something I’ve done or if it’s him! That being said I know that I was responsible for how things ended up, because I acted like a complete doormat, and I involved him way too much in my issues despite knowing he wasn’t interested in hearing about them… I did this almost to push him to care, but of course it only made him loose attraction and pull away. I didn’t have enough of my own life with him, because I was in his country I got too involved in his life in stead of working on creating my own (there were reasons for this as I was having an extremely difficult time, but still). He definitely should have been more supportive, but I also should have searched more for support elsewhere, and should have been smart and patient enough to know that the way to get him to care more would be to back off and not ambush him all the time. I should have respected his (unfortunately for long invisible) boundaries more when it came to expressing myself about everything going on in my life that was difficult. I swear this man sees me as the most nagging woman who just goes on and on about what he’s done wrong and about the difficulties in her life. I’m only doing that one more time – in my first of the two emails, to get it out of my system for good, but then i’ll be done. I’ll be done being a victim of my life.
I’ve learned a lot, and I’m thankful for that right now, it’s the one thing I’m thankful for regarding everything that happened. Oh, actually, I’m thankful for that I’ll be going on a date with this hunk… I met him once before while I was with my ex, three years ago, and I never stopped thinking about him now and then. I know he likes me (he called me his dream girl to a mutual friend), so the thought of that actually helped me through a lot of hard times with my ex… I still don’t know the guy though! We only spoke for one night at a party and that was it. I wish for hunks like that for all of you!!
