Aphrodite

Atea I just want to give you a MASSIVE endless hug!! I’m hurting so much but I can’t even imagine your hurt from this. You’re really so strong and inspiring for having gone through this and you have still managed to keep your life on track and move ahead! I really wish I had your strength as my ex hasn’t even found someone new and I couldn’t imagine the pain! It’s completely understandable that you are now not eating/sleeping etc. You will begin to feel better again, once you have gone through some of this grief! Make sure you don’t isolate yourself and keep your life moving! I’m right here with you!

I’ve been wanting to respond/give updates but frankly I’ve been too depressed:( I am finally fully realising that I will never get him back again, that this was it for the rest of my life and that there isn’t a thing I can do to attract him back. I feel so helpless. I dread the future without him and really need some proper help now. I’m seeing a psychologist on friday (new one – NOT the one that said my ex will definitely come back to me)! I’m in pieces and constantly crying as reality has just caught up with me.
I’ll write more later and hopefully by then I won’t be such a debbie downer but right now reality is a place I just want to escape from

atea and mike, I really appreciate your feedback!
Yes it is positive in that we’re on good terms now and get along, no negative feelings towards each other. Mike, I think my ex is a bit of a control freak in that he wants to know what is going on with me. He was quite possessive and jealous in the relationship. He brought up how he would feel sick to his stomach in the past if anything made him jealous, as to suggest this wouldn’t be the case now at all – but the fact that he asked shows he’s still curious at least.

So my next update…

He reached out to me the following day, and we met up on Sunday to go for a long walk, coffee then a film round his. Ended up sleeping together again, and I left his this morning. After the film last night, when we discussed our status I said “I don’t want us to be friends”, which he misunderstood and said “Well there’s only one other option and it CAN’T be that!”. It came out of him very naturally and like it was the most obvious thing in the world, so clearly there is no thought of reconciliation for him whatsoever:( I told him I was upset that he had previously said we would probably never get together again ever, and he said “you know the term never say never… I don’t want you to be held back”. I don’t think he meant this at all, but said it to make me feel a bit happier. I asked him if he loves me, to which he replied yes – though he looked down and to the side whilst saying it, avoiding eye contact at all cost. I asked him if he loves me just as a friend or as “girlfriend” and he said somewhere in between, again looking down.
He kept looking at me as if I was some poor puppy he had hurt and felt sorry for, and he looked like he was feeling guilty. That spark in his eye is GONE.
Back in the day, we could just look at each other and not help but smile, and a fire would light up in his eyes. That’s all gone now, and I can completely tell that his feelings aren’t there anymore like they were. During the walk yesterday, I would bump his shoulder etc. to try to be a little physical with him, but he wasn’t returning any of it.
I asked him if he wants to explore other options, and he said “not right now, but possibly later” so I’ll take that as a yes – that he wants to explore others and won’t just change his mind all of a sudden. He also said he doesn’t want anyone to depend on him right now and doesn’t feel dependable enough to be in a relationship.

I think what he feels towards me is mostly sexual, guilt for the past, but that being around me doesn’t make much difference to being with a friend for him, and perhaps not even a great friend that he’s excited about seeing.

He has asked me if I want to stay round his house until next weekend, so I don’t have to pay for a hotel (I think just to relieve his guilt). He told me he’s worried I will misunderstand things, but I’ve let him know that I’m completely aware of where we stand and won’t misunderstand anything, so I’ll be going there tonight.

Basically this is game over.

I really don’t know how I feel. Part of me feels like my soul has died along with the spark in his eyes. All I can do now is to be friendly, so that he might have some positive memories of me looking back later on.

How are you all?

Aphrodite out.

Thank you for the support @atea1234 and @mike2014!! Will definitely be needing those crossed fingers!

atea i’m glad you’re feeling a bit better and I’m proud of you! stay strong! You’re doing so well!
He has no idea I’m here. But I did send him an email today (a response to his response) which he said he would read tomorrow, as he has this weekend off to himself (good to know and what good timing!). I’ve had my hair dyed, lash extensions and will be wearing a red dress. In other words, I’m going all in – in T-minus 22 hours!

mike don’t be so hard on yourself, I think you’ve shown a lot of strength for sure and no doubt it’s difficult with your ex sending out so many mixed signals, like not reading the letter. I really don’t quite get her – the only thing that would make sense to me is that she loves you but doesn’t feel up to par for the time being due to her own issues, she may not feel she’s good enough for you and doesn’t want to share everything so she would rather hide away from you.

I’m nervous but I’m hoping my nerves will be tired out by tomorrow night. I’ll keep you guys posted! Now how am I gonna manage to sleep tonight…:S x

I’m happy to hear everyone is doing well! Mike how your ex reached out on your birthday is the exact same as my ex. First one message, then another to make sure I had read the first. It’s strange isn’t it! Like, how are they expecting a reply when they’ve broken up?

Happy belated birthday to you both Mike and unimare!! unimare I’m glad your ex reached out to you as well as to show you some courtesy.

Mike I don’t know, but what your ex looked like in the photo is just exactly what I had envisioned in my mind! I really don’t know why!

Belle, you flatter me!
Meeting Belle was awesome, but it went by too quickly! I could have spoken to her for hours! She’s SO gorgeous and charming both on the inside and outside! atea to answer your question, I wasn’t surprised at what Belle looked like because I got a photo of her beforehand, however I was surprised at how ridiculously young she looks and of her charm! If I was a lesbian, bi or a man, I’d want Belle! I keep thinking that her ex must be absolutely out of his mind to let her go!! Also how cruel he’s being to her by blocking contact and not reaching out to her son, who does this man think he is?! I will be shocked if he leaves things as they are right now. I’m really in shock over her ex, and feel like the laws of the physics don’t make sense if he won’t regret letting her go!

I’ll be giving some updates on myself later on, but for now I’m busy working towards a deadline for my studies. Hope you all carry on feeling better!

atea well done in not falling for the temptation of texting him! Proud of you!
There are no new developments with my ex. He’s waiting for me to respond to his email response, and I just haven’t gotten round to finishing it off and sending it yet. Thank you for the encouragement! I still think this is going to take a really long time for me though, and that there are more hopes and disappointments ahead before I finally come to terms with our relationship being over.

Belle, I’m possibly doing a pit stop in London on Sunday, Monday or Tuesday afternoon/ evening time. Was wondering if you wanted to meet me for coffee (or wine) if you want and can. We could arrange a time and place and I’d tell you what I’m wearing that day so you can spot me. If you would rather not, then that’s completely fine:)
I’m sorry to hear you’re struggling like me! I really don’t understand why your ex is being so nasty either. I think he must have some real issues in his life that he’s taking out on you, because how he’s been acting doesn’t quite justify what happened between you two. “Still feel the ex will be back but don’t know if that’s not accepting still” this is exactly how I feel also. I can’t come to terms with this break up being permanent, or that he really feels that this is the best decision. I can’t grasp that he’s so willing to call this chapter closed. In his letters he wrote several times that he hopes he will never see the day when we’re not together anymore. I just does not click with me that he’s really done for good.

Unimare I’m happy that you’re doing well also!! And thank you for the encouragement:)

I just posted, did anything show up?

I’m missing my ex a lot tonight, and that physical pain in my chest won’t budge. I went through some of his stuff that I’m going to send him, which didn’t help it much!
I am completely incapable of imagining a future without him, it just does not compute with me. I keep thinking that deep down he’s the same, he’s just confused, but reading that over makes me sound like the crazy ex girlfriend who’s in denial! Yep.. I have to see him in person to be able to tell where he stands.
I have to be careful now, as I’ve opened up a line of communication with him, where I can easily find myself feeling rejected again – but I guess it beats not trying!

@Belle

I agree, it is hard knowing how to communicate with them now. Like I said already, I’m wondering if he had a bit of a negative reaction to your agreement on the break up as he now doesn’t see the point in the exchange of emails. As you agree with him on breaking up then he’ll no longer have the power over you, which he may not like – if that makes sense.
Him saying he doesn’t see a point in further communication could be his way of trying to gain back that control, and see how you react to it. Maybe he’s testing you. I really don’t know but I think it’s a possibility. I think your ex has some patience, so it would take a while for him to reach out after this if you both have radio silence, but I do think he will. He’s too far from being indifferent to just let it go like this in my opinion.

I really don’t know what it means that your ex has been responding, and responding quick. My ex does the same, but then again he has always been quick to respond. I don’t know if it means anything at all.

I completely feel you on how you tried to go through the front door with declaring love, and now you’re going for the back door by agreeing with him. I think we all try everything we can!
I think it’s good that you’re standing your ground, but just be careful to not come off too strong. I’m sure you’re able to balance that well.

Oh absolutely Belle, you’ve got the correct impression of my ex there, he definitely wants to be top dog and doesn’t like it much if I’m too successful. On the other hand, I think he now doesn’t see me as good enough anymore. I wonder if he’s happiest competing!

As for saying you have a different outlook on life and hence you don’t get on, that’s quite similar to what my ex said. He told me we handle emotions differently and that’s why we can’t be together (a reason on one occasion). What type of reasons are these? If I were to break up with someone I would tell them up front that I just don’t fancy them in that way anymore or that I want something else for myself. No beating around the bushes. I don’t feel like either of our exes have given valid reasons for breaking up.

What are your thoughts? What’s the plan?

@atea1234

I get that you don’t want any interaction with him until he’s decided! Being in that confused state is no where to live, it’s too turbulent. I’m very proud of you, you know!

Yes I agree, it is important to get clarifications and explanations. I know so damn well that I won’t be able to be friendly towards him for an extended period of time unless we have worked through our issues, so it is really imperative for me.

I asked my ex today if he wanted a response back from his last email even though it could stress him out. He told me that he would appreciate that, so that’s good. It seems he is keen to work our past issues out as well so that we can both leave it in the past. I don’t know if he wants this for me or for him, but I’m hoping it’s for him as well.
I do blame myself for how he felt. I’m usually quite good at reading people, but I’ve completely failed with him! I think that’s what happens when you become absorbed in your own issues. He should have spoken up, but he told me it wasn’t until we had been apart that he realised how bad it had been for him. Yes, we all need supportive partners, but it’s important to be aware of how others can be sensitive to our own issues, and I overestimated him in this capacity. He’s not super sturdy when it comes to emotional matters, but I’d still want him over someone else.

Yes!! I do deserve a goodbye in person. I won’t be telling anyone that I’m going to see him as I know they will try to talk me out of it, and not understand. My family and friends are worried I will get back with him because of what he did to me, they don’t want to see me crushed again, so you guys will be the only ones to know!

Honestly though I don’t even know if I would take him back if he asked me back tomorrow, though I would definitely date him. I just NEED some sort of security in that he might possibly someday want to be with me again and I desperately want him in my life. If I don’t get that, then I’ll deal with then. One step at a time. I keep having this gut feeling that he feels the same as me! It’s so annoying!!

Yes, I think if our expectations are too high that we definitely scare them off from being honest and open with us. I think the best way to deal with this is to extensively reward them when they do things right, so they will want to be those boyfriends for us, in stead of always getting at them for messing up. Usually females are ahead of men mentally, so I don’t think it’s strange how you felt that way about your ex. Perhaps that’s different with the man you’re dating?
I agree, I don’t see that there is that much reason to tell him these things as his reason for leaving was for wanting to cease the day, and be young while he can before committing for the rest of his life. I don’t doubt that he has a lot of respect for you and sees you as perfect marriage material – after all that’s what he said to his friend! So it’s not about you.
I don’t know if he’s the one for you either atea, unfortunately (I know you’re impatient like me) only time will tell. I know this is the hardest part, not knowing what the future holds. We have to somehow come to peace with that, and practice living in the now rather than in the past or future. Brush those worries off!
One year until you’re ready for a relationship sounds reasonable. I’m not going to plan anything, right now I’m just working towards embracing the unknown to the fullest, and having faith that somehow this will all work out in my favour.

Haha @Belle I’ve been very busy indeed! Even managed to squeeze some exercise in there!

Hunk has canceled on me, but I’m meeting him this weekend (I hope, or I’m done with this back and forth planning).

Belle I’m glad you found you could relate to it too! It’s very interesting stuff! Perhaps we should let them sit on their high horses for a bit, and we’ll be the underdogs.
I’m finding it hard too though.

I want to respond to his response to my first email (the ranty one), however I just can’t do it without picking apart everything he’s saying… I really don’t think it would be clever of me to send that to him as he can’t stand being picked apart and “interrogated”. I don’t know what to do. On the one hand I want the issues between us to be done and dusted, the only way I can do that is to utter my opinions. On the other hand, I’m worried he’s going to take one glance at my response and think he’s so happy that drama is out of his life.

What to do, what to do..

Yes we really do need to allow them to be the ‘men’!!! And let them try even if they mess up, and reward them for trying. They want to feel useful (I think) without us being needy for them. I am a bit split on it though because I can’t imagine a man wanting a pushover! I bet your fire is what your ex loves about you anyway! I want mike’s opinion on this stuff.

Pretty sure you weren’t a girlfriend from hell Belle lol