-
Posts
-
Hi guys! Hope you’re both doing great! Need updates!
I’m feeling triggered right now… need some advice. 🙂
I’ll try to make this short.
Things are going well with the boy. Still together. No freak outs on his end. His businesses are doing great and he’s VERY excited on what’s to come. Happy for him. He’s been spending some week days at his place to focus and wakes up at the crack of dawn to get started on work. He’s very motivated. It’s good stuff.
His bday was this past week. We had a low key night at my apt. Just picked up food and relaxed on the couch. Def our style and it was nice to spend time with him since he was in work mode the two days before. (Side note… the weekend before we went to a wedding in GA. this will tie into the story later. Ha).
I told him I’d like to make him dinner and give him his bday gift this weekend. We didn’t have set plans, i.e. “Okay yes let’s do this and this and this time on this day”. It was more “yeah I wanna make you dinner”.
So the day after his bday he called me after work and said he had to take a spur of the moment trip to the west coast. Good friend and cousin live there and as both investors in his company. He said it would be a perfect time for him to go. He said he knows we had plans but it’s a good opportunity. A small part of my felt pushed to the side. Even though I wouldn’t have been able to go a “can you come?” Or “wish you could come” would have been nice and reassuring. In either case, I understood the urgency for him to go and tried to brush it off. He invited me over the night before for some quality time together.
So… after his business stuff he was with his best friends and celebrated another friend’s bday. Communication was there but we were both busy yesterday. We speak today and he tells me how much fun he had and how awesome it was to see all his friends. They went to a club (which he normally doesn’t like going out, especially clubs) and said him and his friends were dancing and it was a blast. At first I was like “oh awesome it’s great he had fun” but then I started feeling….. jealous? and a little neglected. Now I know it’s so silly to feel this way but a part of me feels he doesn’t have that much fun with me. If he would have said “babe we should plan a trip back here to all hang out” or even “I wish you were there we would have had a blast”. But I felt I wasn’t even a thought in his mind. But then… I remind myself he texted “babe! Still awake?” And also call hours later (of course it was 1AM and 3AM my time but nice he was probably thinking of me?).
The reason I feel triggered is cause a LOT of my friends are getting married and moving in together this year. Like an insane amount. I’m comparing my relationship to theirs. And think “oh my BF just dropped everything, didn’t invite me, and no mention of wanting me there”. I’m being silly but can’t help it.
Should I just let this all go? Or Talk to him about how I feel?
Communication is key but I need to know if I’m overreacting here..
I think its fair you feel that way 🙂 He likely doesn’t realize it, and you might just have to have a talk about it and let him know you don’t think he is doing it on purpose just let him know how it is perceived by you if he doesn’t communicate that you aren’t being put on the back burner and not though about.
BUT comparing relationships is easy to do but def not healthy for your relationship but i def understand it especially when everybody around us is heading in the direction we wanna go.
But I have been in his position and its nice having a girlfriend who isnt bugging you and giving you freedom, but its very easy for a guy to get comfortable in that and lose some of the value in putting importance on you also at the same time while he is involved with the things going on with him that is new and exciting.
All in all communication is key so you def gonna want to just bring it up in the most none confront or confrontational way possible. 🙂
Thanks Mosis!
We talked last night. His mom called and he told her he was a few hours from her last weekend. I heard her say “was the gf there?” He said “no she couldn’t make it; it was last minute for me”. I could tell mom was bummed that she didn’t see him/she didn’t know he was even there. Then I joked and said “tell your mom I know how she feels”. And I was able to bring it up. I basically said I was a little jealous that I wasn’t able to be there. Not jealous of his friends but that I wasn’t there. I’m regretting using the word “jealous” though. He basically it was good for him to go alone. Which I don’t want him to think he CANT in the future. I said next time it would be fun to both go. And he said “yeah we will!” But idk.
Was that a total fail? Hahaha
Not gonna lie, its kind of a fail lol! but not completely bad, sounds like you just didn’t know how to go about it without getting “too serious” or attacking, and jealous prolly wasn’t the word, maybe “disappointed” would be better, because for some reason people remember jealous and it sticks in the mind in a negative way.
But I only say its a fail just because you kind of made it about that one event and not really about how it makes you feel in general if he doesn’t really consider you when it happens. Some trips it really is best to go alone, but its good for him to kind of do all the text/calling to let you know he misses you etc and maybe try to do something special when you get back, but guys don’t get it while in the moment. But to bring it up again without him bring it up would come off nagging and problematic to him so I guess it would be best to drop it at this point until the situation comes up again in the future
Wellllll I explained that… in my brain I was confused because 1) it’s great he had a great time 2) I also had a great weekend… but I was just bummed I couldn’t be there. He didn’t seem irked or anything, mostly just listening and said “well I think it’s good I went alone cause I had some work to do and a lot of traveling around.” I said “oh ya that’s totally okay. Just wanted to let you know what’s on my mind. Open communication.”
Crap… I feel like I need to redeem myself a little bit. I feel bad. The convo ended fine but I don’t want to come off needy/crazy. Think I did?
Oh… also… he did txt/call throughout the whole weekend. So he wasn’t completely MIA.
HELP! I feel I need to do/say something but I think I’m being crazy and he probably forgot all about it.
I made dinner last night as a late bday thing and he LOVED it. He said “this is all so great. The food. Being here. Amazing!” I also gave him a bday present that he LOVED. So maybe it’s not a big deal as I’m making it?
I need to work on appreciating the relationship and not comparing it to everyone else’s. I want to be care free and cool. Not needy and naggy. Which for the most part I am.
I also need to work on my communication.
UGH
yeah you have to take a chill pill haha
Lesson I learned from just about every relationship I have been in, if you focus on whats wrong things will def go wrong. So focus on the positives in your relationship with him. I think it would be best to let this situation go, because you will always think “Oh yeah I have to say this about it too!” but you seem to know yourself well and it would be wise to put great effort into focusing on that, fixing whatever issues about yourself you may have and things will be easier to operate.
One of my girlfriends that worked really well for me, i just told her point blank. “Hey i really like/love (which ever you are comfortable with) you and I want things to workout so I just wanna say, this is how I have been in the past (stating things I’m prone to do) but I really want to work on that personally and i just want you to know i don’t want to be like that or make those mistakes because i value this relationship” so its kind of being really open which is tough for most, but it puts yourself in a position to keep yourself honest, and when these situations come up and you are slipping into old habits your partner can recognize it and understand it before there is an issue.
As far as this situation goes, just let it go. If it happens again you can revisit the talk, but you have to let it go and get it off your mind and your heart or it’ll just keep bothering you and eventually cause problems, especially if he isnt really thinking about it. He prolly thinks its no big deal, which to me it isnt. I understand how it would make you feel, but he didn’t do it on purpose he is just kind of living.
Don’t let him get comfortable in the future putting you on pause as he does things though, if it financially is a situation it’ll be hard to bring both you along on these trips, understandable but if he is able to bring you on occasion and doesn’t want to then you have to deal with that when it comes, but i think this situation happened, wasn’t the best situation but it can be let go.
Just if you still feel the need to say something, which I’m sure you will lol
Just gonna let you know it really isnt a good idea lol if you keep bringing it up, it comes off annoying at a point. And he will likely take offense. I understand him wanting to go alone though, because if you are there I’m sure he can work and you be okay with just being around him. But if my girlfriend is around i wouldn’t be able to keep myself honest and work without feeling the want/need to entertain her. So sometimes if its work it makes sense for him to do it alone. Its also hard to navigate, if he has to make random trips while he is out there and meet people ect. Maybe best course is to accept it, and then just be sweet about it and let him know you wanna go on a trip just you two when y’all get a chance 🙂
but his mind is clearly made up, it was best for him to do it alone, so there really isnt any changing his mind on that, its only problems at the end of that road. When any person has their mind made up, provoking them to see it your way is always bad way of motivation.
Don’t get lost in feeling like you have to keep bringing it up because it didn’t go the way you wanted, focus on the positive. Also it was a good step towards communication that you brought it up in the first place
I definitely don’t mind that he wanted to go alone. Whether I was able to make it or not. His mind was made up which is probably why he didn’t invite me. And he really didn’t do anything wrong. I was mostly just caught off guard since it was last minute, but that was out of his control. He called me as soon as the decision was made and told me his friend wanted him to come out, it’s a great time for him to go, he’ll get some work done, and be able to spend time with friends. Nothing wrong with that at all!
I WISH I could stopped my emotional side. Cause when he first told me I felt neglected and pushed aside. But would never do that on purpose. And it’s not like we had HUGE plans this weekend that he bailed on… I didn’t TELL him I felt that way. But I said I was caught off guard. I needed a minute to process my thoughts after I found out, which I told him. I said I was caught off guard and was a little bummed, but I understood he needed to go.
I HAVE to start focusing on the positive when my mind turns down this road. I have feel myself becoming worried, anxious, wondering about “where we are going” lately. Since we’ve had two breaks/breakups I get scared…
Do you suggest I bring up the “I value this relationship/here are my flaws” talk?
Oh yeah I forgot y’all had plans. I completely understand you feeling the neglect though. You have good reason to be all in all, just keeping your emotions from getting too wild you have to accept it and let it go.
but with your history, i think its fair to feel how you feel, so yeah i suggest you have that honest talk about the “I value this relationship/here are my flaws”
Just because like I said before, it will give you a feeling of freedom, and it will take your communication to a different level. Im sure right now you have the very bottled up feeling where you can’t express yourself in fear of messing up the relationship, and telling him that will make you feel free. Coming to us for advice, as a buffer is great for where you are at, but moving to a position where you can rest in the support of your partner is where you really want to be. So actively working on yourself is great and having him knowing how you feel and where you are at will only encourage him to help you along that road.
If you feel that he loves you enough to hear that and not judge you for it and respect your honesty, it will work wonders for your relationship but more importantly for yourself.
No, we didn’t have big plans. 🙂 We had tentative plans for dinner, but nothing that can’t be rescheduled. So he didn’t break any plans with me to take his last minute trip.
Don’t get me wrong, our communication is pretty strong. Which is why I didn’t feel “odd” to bring that stuff up yesterday. He doesn’t feel “odd” to say something that’s bothering him either. I AM more sensitive and I know I’m a worrier/thinker. We even talked about how I tend to think too much (he joked and said “no… really? I didn’t know that.” ha). After I said what was on my mind he said “get rid of it. it doesn’t exist.” Meaning… get that out of my head. What exists in my mind isn’t always true.
I just need to be happy or else what’s the point?
I think I’m going to chill on the “talks” right now. I need to switch my mind over to a more positive outlook. And work on saying how I’m feeling AS it happens. Or else it stirs in my mind for too long…
yeah very true 🙂 as it happens you have to let it out in the moment, after the moment passes you either bottle it up or let it go, but letting it go def is a happier route, until a situation happens again and you are free to talk about it then.
only have a talk if its really just killing you and you think you are gonna do it, then have the open talk but focusing on letting go is good. Unless he does something just CRAZY you know haha but some little stuff won’t matter in a few weeks if even a few days 😛
What is WRONG with me? I feel so anxious tonight. Definitely pushed the dude away. Told him I was slightly bummed he didn’t text all day. He said “you can call/txt me too”. I got my hair colored tonight and he said “maybe I’ll see it in a few days”. He’s in work mode right now and needs the work week to focus and what not. I told him his motivation is motivating me to get out my comfort zone.
Then I freaked out in my mind. I said his comment on “maybe seeing me in two days” implied I may not even see him this weekend. He said it’s assumed we will see each other this weekend. I said I know it should be so why am I thinking we won’t? He said I don’t know why are you? I said I don’t know. When I DO know. It’s cause it’s happened in the past.
Ugh. So much for being happy tonight.
Well… It was eating at me so I had “the talk”. Apologized for assuming the worst. He said don’t be sorry. I said “I am because it’s effecting the relationship for ME. I said I need to let go of the past. I obviously love you and value this relationship otherwise I wouldn’t have taken you back”. He made a joke and said “took ME back?” Har har har. It lightened the mood.
Of course after the talk I feel better. But… wanted your opinion. Is it odd if a man is just listening and doesn’t say “I love you babe you don’t have to worry”. One thing I need to note. He’s NOT the type to apologize. He doesn’t even like if others apologize. He has a positive mindset. Doesn’t like to talk about negative stuff. So for him to have to reassure me…. isn’t something he naturally would do. He says “I love you” but we don’t say it every day. It’s sporadic. For example before he left for AZ he said I love you. Situations like that is when we say it.
Thoughts?
Yeah you have to chill haha it will be fine
and I’m the type to reassure the “i love you babe don’t worry” but with the past relationship I didn’t really do that often because i was focused on so much other stuff and just kind of banked on her assuming those words instead of saying them. but i don’t like to apologize, and i don’t really like to hear apologies either, just okay with something funny or fun and moving on.
sounds like you are letting the anxiety get the best of you. So keep it together, because he will eventually feel like he will have to choose between you and work if he feels provoked overtime work comes up. i understand its kind of eating at you but you can’t lean into the old ways of handling things, you got back with him because you felt you was good and he was good so honor that with yourself, and you gotta put space in timing with men about your request, like he might be able to say those comforting words more often but it isnt the time to bring it up. too many complaints at one time lead to bad results.
take a breath, thing positive and maybe get little more loose on your expectations. Sounds like you are expecting a lot and it isnt happening just yet so it automatically makes you anxious
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.