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I think I’m about halfway through the plan, and I thought to document the actual status.
As I wrote before, I decided to extend No Contact to 60 days. So our timeline so far goes like this:
relationship (3 months) -> asks for space, silence (2 weeks) -> breakup in e-mail -> post-relationship meetup (3 days) -> silence (1 week) -> thorough breakup talk, trying to convince -> staying close to her while hoping to get back together (2 weeks) -> going No Contact (2 weeks) -> ruining everything through a friend -> e-mail conversation (1 week) -> registering here and opening this thread -> No Contact (1 month) -> she asks for meetup, I refuse -> extending No Contact (1 month) -> NOW.To sum it up: relationship (3 months) -> messing (2 months) -> No Contact (2 months) -> NOW.
On the one hand, one might wonder if a mess like this can ever be fixed at all, or is it FUBAR. On the other hand, seeing that some couples have recovered from situations even worse than this, even after one of them did much more severe mistakes (things I didn’t and wouldn’t do), gives a little hope that things can turn better.
Since I have no feedback from her, now I’m wondering, what might be HER state of mind at the moment. Does she miss me? If she does, why doesn’t she reach out? Maybe she’s not missing me enough yet? Or did she really forget about me and completely moved on?
From what I see/heard/assume:
She’s not looking for another relationship, and she seems to be overwhelmed by her daily routine at university. Her blog and Facebook are liveless (unless she hides her posts from me on Facebook, as I noticed I’m not in her closed friends circle anymore – although I really don’t think she would do so).
This is a really-really far suspicion, but I think she’s basically still lonely, despite her efforts to fill the void by hanging out on Internet forums and with one friend (the same person who helped to ruin our relationship). She said, this is what she wants, so probably she’s fine with that. Or maybe her perceived quietness is due to her seeing someone else and focusing most of her attention on him – but this seems very improbable. (I noticed, maybe I worry too much about her finding someone else while she said she really doesn’t want a relationship with anyone these times.)
Another thing I noticed that her communication (towards others on forums / mailing lists) seems to be kind of bossy and frustrated. She wasn’t acting like this while we were together. I wonder what is the source of her frustration. Maybe things don’t go so well in her life nowadays. Since she is a moderator on a forum we used to manage (I withdrawn after the breakup), maybe she’s just intoxicated by her newfound power – but I find it more probable that her behaviour is rooted in her insecurities.
But at the end of the day, I don’t know whether she misses me, whether she thinks of me with pleasant or unpleasant thoughts, with warmth in her heart or with complete indifference, and basically I don’t have any information which would help me to even guess.One thing I find disturbing, though, is that her friend may still present me in bad light for her, maintaining her negative image about me. This may cause serious problems. I can’t do anything about it. I extended No Contact to this person too, so I haven’t talked to her for 2 months either.
It is also necessary to evaluate MY state of mind. During my 2 months of No Contact ’til now, my mental and emotional state has improved significantly, although it’s still not the best. I still have moments of insecurity, sadness and frustration, and although I have lots of fun these days, I am not happy. But I’ve had many great experiences, got closer to my friends, and even made new friends, and learned a lot about life and relationships. I highly value these experiences, and I think these are the things I won with the breakup. Moreover, these experiences would surely help me to manage a much better, more balanced relationship with my ex if we ever reconnect, or with another girl who I get close to in the future. Recently, I’ve also started to wonder whether I really want my ex back – she’s starting to show kind of unbearable personality traits, she’s bossy, puts others down unreasonably, and seems to be ungrateful for any good she receives. I don’t even know what happened to the sweet girl I used to know. This is anything but not attractive.
I’ve been thinking about breaking NC now or extending it for yet another month (90 days). Someone suggested to wait until she contacts me, because I’ll be in much better position if she initiates. He also said, there is no (or at least very minimal) risk in waiting more, while contacting her prematurely could cause much more significant damage. Recently, she’s been getting bad inputs about me, so probably it’s still better to wait a little more. But still, I worry if I wait much more, I lose her forever.
When my ex contacted me during No Contact, I’ve just sent her a very short message (5-6 words), only telling her that I have no time to meet her nowadays. (She left it as it is. She hasn’t contacted me since then, and it was a month ago.) But leaving her without any reply would have been too much rude, I think. It’s against my standards.
My story is here: https://ebpforums.com/boards/topic/no-contact-violated-what-to-do-now/
My ex has just contacted me to arrange that meeting… She sent an e-mail, I haven’t replied anything yet. Actually, my 30-day-NC is just about to expire, so I could just meet her. On the other hand, I really think I need a longer No Contact period, 45 or 60 days at minimum. Once, I think 30 days is not enough for her to start to really miss me. Second, I’ve just recently started to feel the benefits of NC. Although I shouldn’t wait too much either… I don’t know. After all, I think rejecting her first approach would do good to the cause. She should feel that she’s not the highest priority in my life anymore.
I didn’t get yesterday’s e-mail of the series. The last one I got is “I like you 🙂“. Since I don’t think the series was this short, and the FAQ says I’m supposed to get an e-mail every day, I have a reason to believe it’s a technical problem. The e-mail didn’t even reach my SMTP servers, which suggests the problem is not on my side.
I also missed a forum reply notification e-mail (if it’s ever been sent by the engine), though those used to come from different servers than the e-mail series, so probably there is no connection between these.
I still don’t understand human nature, why they find weekness and dependence as a turnoff in a relationship. A partner is there to strenghten you when you have struggles, as you would also do the same for them, when they needed it. A relationship is not only about happy moments, but also about sharing difficulties, to go through rough times together. But I see, instead of working like this, many people reject and break up with their partner when they are in the greatest need for them.
My ex also left me during a temporary low point, when I was a little depressed by some actual life circumstances. I would have gotten better quite soon if she showed some support, but instead she broke up with me, increasing my pain to the extreme. I wouldn’t have done the same to her. If she would have been down, I would have gotten to comfort her.
It’s understandable, however, that sometimes one of the couple just doesn’t have enough capacity to fulfill all the communication needs of the other person, and yes, when this is the case, the other should step back by a few steps, leaving more space to their partner. But in that case, the partner should properly communicate it: probably this has happened to you. You’ve just been told to leave him some more space, but it’s not that he wants to end the relationship, and that he’s not willing to support you.
I was thinking much about how would I handle a needy partner in times when I don’t have capacity to be available for them at all times. I’d just tell her: „I understand that you are down and in need for me more than usual. But honestly, I can’t be available for you all the times of the day. But even when I’m not with you, and can’t talk to you, I love you, and my spirit is always there with you to support you, even when myself can’t be there. But don’t be sad – we talk on a regular basis, and then you’ll get the chance to talk through everything, and our meetings will be special celebrations.”.
I hope you don’t mind my rant. I still wish you great strength and the best of luck, @parisithi!
This is a heart-shaking story. Be strong and apply No Contact, I wish your doctor would return to you and everything would be sorted out! After all, he only said he needs some space… he didn’t actually break up with you, and maybe he won’t even do it in the future. Keep us up-to-date!
Sorry that I can’t give you more specific advice, but I’m letting you know, I read everything you wrote.
I never understand when people punish their partners for needing them, instead of getting to their help. Relationship is (besides all the happiness) about companionship, helping your partner in need, sharing struggles. I wish I’ve been needed by my ex as much as you need yours – I’d surely run for her help.
Hmm… It seems like she’s playing with you… It’s not necessarily a bad thing. Maybe she’s considering to get back with you. If the situation won’t get better shortly, you could try to make scarcity. Good luck!
If you find my comments useful, you could give me your insights on my struggles, if you feel like to.
So your major crime is that you talked to other girls, while in fact you were only friendly to them, but she still assumes you cheated on her? So she can’t forgive you what didn’t even happen?
From what you said, it seems you made the mistake that you accepted that you committed something against her for what she rightfully feels hurt. If you really didn’t cheat on her, then she should not feel hurt about it. By saying you won’t hurt her again, you admit you did something wrong. You should make it clear that you didn’t cheat on her, and you have right to talk to other people, including other girls. If you just talk to a girl, it’s not cheating. Meanwhile, you should make it clear that only she matters to you as a partner.
Not sure if you could still reverse this, but probably an NC wouldn’t hurt before you try.
So now he doesn’t even talk to you?
If this is the case, really do No Contact, and then look for him again.
If you were together for 4 years, he won’t forget about you!Though I suggest you should think about whether you really want him back. If he is controlling and gets outraged frequently, you can’t be sure that this behaviour wouldn’t continue if you get back together, and maybe you couldn’t live happily.
Really nice to read a success story at last! Congratulations!
I hope many of us will succeed as well.
Well, you’re definitely in a false friendship now… So if she’s dating, and apparently she likes you very much, why would she not date you?… If you could somehow overcome the distance and meet her, you could probably have a successful date with her. I don’t know if it’s possible, and there are odds that you wouldn’t succeed.
You can still try how she reacts if you start to become scarce.
I’m not a relationship expert (since apparently I ruined mine also :P), so don’t give much weight on my words. I only tell my humble opinions, so beware before taking my advice.
Hmm… The fact that you are the only one for her with whom she can really share all her thoughts (at least this is what I read from “total insync”), certainly works for you. Whether to go for a false friendship or continue NC is indeed a hard question. As others said, there is a big risk of getting stuck as friends. Maybe she would be completely fine with being friends with you and dating others in the meantime. (Hope not!) A book suggests to make yourself scarce while being false friends. It goes somehow like this: you accept her friendship, talk to her, make her comfortable in the situation, but for only a short time. Then she will be regularly looking for you, but then you start being less and less available. She will miss you. Then you ask her out for a date (you don’t actually need to declare it as a date), and make your move… Fingers crossed!
I’m in a somewhat similar situation, by the way – we really understood each other well with my ex, we shared all our thoughts with each other (until she drifted), and probably this is why she wanted to stay friends with me. At that point she naively believed it works just like that. But unlike your case, my ex unfortunately weren’t been chasing me – I don’t even understand how could she bear my absence when previously we were sharing everything with each other and talked through everything.
Actually, it was my idea, but then she agreed. Maybe I shouldn’t have proposed it.
It’s also an option that we could discuss it in e-mail. But I prefer to talk to her in person. She wants to write it down anyway, so even if we’d meet, she’d give me her list in written form, and I’d react to it in person.But previously we already had a big relationship talk in person. But now she would tell some of her grievances she haven’t told before for some reason. I don’t know if it would help or not. On the one hand, talking over her grievances would probably ease her, thus it could increase the likeliness of a later reconciliation. On the other hand, focusing on her grievances might induce negative thoughts about our relationship, which could stick with her. I’d like her to have positive memories about me and our relationship, as we had so many happy moments together! Also, if I meet her, the No Contact period resets, and I’d have to start it all over.
I tried No Contact, but I failed it multiple times and ended up communicating and meeting her. I couldn’t decide if no contact or meeting as friends would help more, but now I see, keeping contact didn’t help. Recently, one of our common friends blew no contact, and now I offered her to meet again. Currently, I’m waiting for her to propose a time and place for our meeting. We would talk through her untold grievances. But I’m not sure if it would help the case. We’ve already talked a lot about our relationship, and I wonder if another talk would do anything better. (Though I don’t know of her untold grievances, and I’m curious, maybe I could explain them, which would probably help.) So I don’t know what to do when she’ll get back to me to arrange this meeting. Should I accept or refuse it? Or should I just postpone it with a month?
The whole story is here:
