soupcat

I texted my ex last night when I was very drunk.

Its been almost a year since that last message she send about wanting to stay in touch. I was getting really good at not wanting to text her, but I still stalked her on social media.

I have almost completely stopped dating. Sadly enough I did see that poor girl I mistreated one more time this summer. One of my friends is still in touch with her and he keeps asking her out (which I told him is a stupid idea). She came out one time to a party in a club where I was with him. All of us did mdma and I ended up at her place in her bed. The next day on the come down I realized how stupid I was. I apologized and we haven’t spoken since then (this is a few months ago. I hope she’s okay but I probably severely damaged this girl and I am not proud of it. My karma took a severe hit with this. Worst chapter of my dating life.

I have moved into my own place because my friend decided to move in with his girlfriend. I’m very happy for him and it’s nice to be back on my own. I get some more privacy and space to think. Focus on myself for real this time.

There was a moment this summer where my ex was visiting a friend in town. This was very upsetting actually because we were still not talking. I spiraled a bit out of control that week. It’s so bizarre to know she was back in the country and I didn’t see her.

However, I did meet someone that shifted my perception a bit. There was an evening where I went out with my friends and I met a Swedish girl. She was very pretty and smart and a nice accent. We ended up kissing and she said things how hot I am etc.
I don’t know what happened but I actually felt myself falling in love. It was a feeling I haven’t felt since I was with my ex. This kind of made me realize there is some hope for me perhaps. That I could love someone else.
Sadly enough it turned out this girl has a boyfriend back in Sweden so I was not able to continue seeing her. It was sad to find this out and that I was involved with cheating, but there is not a lot I can do about it. So I’m letting it rest. I’m happy that I was able to feel something again.

I had a really fun summer with my friends, lots of partying and festivals. It feels like the country finally recovering from the Covid craze.

I don’t know why I actually texted my ex last night. I’ve thought a lot about it but for some reason I was stupid enough to actually press send this time.

We ended up talking today a bit. She seems to want to keep the conversation going a lot. She’d say something and I wouldn’t respond for hours and she’d send follow up texts. She asks things like “does this mean we’re talking again” which I would ignore.
She mentioned that I appeared in a dream of hers which made her think of me lately and how I’m doing.

I am slowly realizing that we’re not at the same wavelength as we used to and that this is not the right person for me as a girlfriend. But this could be a form of denial.
I guess I’m just so used to her being in my life it’s weird for her to not be there.

Anyway yeah, that was it kind of. A lot more drama happened with girls but I will spare you the details. I’m not actively dating. I still to girls on these apps but it’s mainly out of boredom and distraction.
It’s going to take some time for me to actually be ready to be in a relationship again. I’m currently pretty happy being single. I like the freedom.

Thanks for reading. I hope you’re well.

@patricia12 I have broken off with the girl. There was again a disagreement about how much I cared for her and I said “this was it”. She came to my house and called me over and over. I just ignored everything and decided that this needs to stop. I have been engaging in toxic behavior (I still am) but every day is a bit better than the other. One day this will stop and I’m doing my best.

I’m still on dating apps but only as a form to talk to people that are outside of my friend group (who I personally think don’t even understand what I’m going through and give horrible advice). They’re not entirely sick of it, they just don’t know how I feel because I’m always having a good time and laughing and dating girls. So they think I’m over it.
I have no intention to date girls anymore (or not even casual sex) for a long time. I’ve had enough drama this year and I think it’s time to date myself for a bit. I feel horrible for the girl and the way I treated her. I wished she had stronger boundaries and me too.

I have stopped going on my ex her social media (2 weeks and counting). I’ve also stopped looking at my stories to see if she checked in on me.

My ex reached out again last Sunday after 6 months of no contact (which is triggering this post now). She asked:

“Hey, i would like to stay in some kind of touch if possible, but if you dont want this then i understand, let me know”

I got anxiety and started going on Discord channels asking what to say and one channel from Magnet of Success suggested I say “Hey, let’s keep no contact unless it’s an emergency or important please”. Which I did.

I wanted to ask her “why” I wanted to ask her “whats up” I wanted to know what triggered this. I wanted to tell her she doesnt deserve me after all shes done. But I waited 24 hours and just kept my cool.

I dont’t know how things are going to go. I feel myself relapsing again, checking her Spotify for activity (she has a new “Sad” playlist), talking about her to everyone again. But I hope this feeling will pass.

Maybe one day I will block her and I will finally move on.

Hey @patricia12 !

It’s been a while! The reason I haven’t posted here is that nothing happened. We never ended up in a video call.
After that conversation, she went cold and on the day itself, I never heard from her. The day after I asked her what happened to which she said “I was tired and fell asleep”. Honestly, I was a bit disappointed with this and didn’t feel like chasing her. So I went back to no contact.
She also kind of stopped reaching out to me as much. There were a few key messages I received from her:
One is how the dating app Bumble is disappointing (no people in her area) and how she broke up with the guy she was seeing. Her reason was that he kept talking about marriage and kids and it made her uncomfortable (she told him she wanted casual and no kids or marriage). After that, she went cold again until the holidays.

on Christmas (on the 26th, not the 25th) she sends me a merry Christmas and asked me what I did (Covid restrictions meant we both couldn’t see our families), I asked her the same. Few days after that I was doing a YouTube stream where I was drawing art and she said hi in the chat and reached out as well saying that I looked good (new haircut)and she missed watching me draw. On the 1st of January, she wished me a happy new year and asked me what I did. I mentioned how I got drunk (I actually slept with a girl I was seeing but did not want to tell her this) and asked her the same. She said how she stayed sober because the person she’s seeing now (she’s seeing someone else?) had to work and she wanted to be compassionate. She used to have a bit of a drinking problem so this felt like progress to me but also mean. I asked her if the guy she is seeing now is nice (mistake on my part, I KNOW! But I have a hunch she is seeing a girl because she wanted that and she used genderless pronouns to describe the person. I was curious if she found a girl to date! I would be happy for her! It’s not easy being bisexual and she recently came out to her mother). She ignored that message and didn’t reach out until my birthday.

On the 14th of January, she said “Happy Birthday! Have a good one!”. This felt a bit impersonal to me because I turned 30 and it was a big deal for me. She should know this. The funny part is that both her parents actually wished me a happy birthday exactly at midnight! I must’ve made a good impression on her parents? She sent her message around 4 PM. Does that matter?
I tried to get more conversation out of it by sending a picture of the birthday cake. This led to some back and forth (again small talk). The day after she asked how my birthday went and we exchanged some pictures (they’re having a lot of snow right now and I send pictures of how I was having a small party outside). I reached out the next day trying to be funny and saying I’m never drinking again. This is an inside joke we had whenever we went out drinking and had a hangover. She responded positive but went cold after that.
During the inauguration, I send her a picture of Bernie Sanders on his chair and we talked politics a bit (we were both always passionate about American politics). I told her it was nice to be able to talk about this to someone else besides my roommate. She again ignored that message.

That brings us to today. The reason I am posting here again. I am once again lost and in need of assistance.
It’s been a week since our last conversation and I decided I need to move on. What we had was beautiful but I need to stop chasing her and start living my life without trying to reconcile. I know I said I was okay with friendship (which I meant! I love our friendship!), but I didn’t think she’d say she’d miss me. That changed everything. But when we never had that video call I lost that hope again. I feel like I’m on an emotional roller coaster.

Now yesterday I got a message from her out of the blue. She sends me a picture from my Instagram. One of my drawings of me and her. She said, “we used to be so cute” followed up with “Can I ask for a favor”. Now, I saw those notifications and decided to not open them for a bit. I was having dinner, and they were giving me anxiety. I tried to distract myself by talking to my roommate and playing video games with him. After a few hours I texted her “whats up?” she said:
I remember reading a book in dutch about Hitlers assistant. Can i see what the author is? (shes a book nerd)
I didn’t respond right away because I was playing video games and then half an hour later she sends:
Nvm i got it, sorry to bother u

…???

One last noticeable thing worth mentioning. She likes almost all my posts on my new Instagram account. I’ve been uploading old and new artwork trying to establish a business. She followed this account without me asking and commented on it (drawings I made of her big butt that she likes).

So that brings you up to speed Patricia. It is another massive post and I apologize again. But so far I haven’t responded to her message, because it feels like breadcrumbs and some kind of not letting me move on but using me as a backup plan? I have no idea what to make of this.

So my question is. Can I ignore the messages from yesterday? She might’ve had a bad day, or a dip or something and got nostalgic. I’m staying busy and positive. Trying to not let this get to me. I have gotten really good at not looking at her profile and staying away from social media (maybe she hasn’t seen me online in a while, which could be causing this behavior?).

My alternative I could or would want to send is “Hey! Good that you found that author! Sorry that I didn’t respond, I was playing Red Dead redemption, horse poop simulator. Really good game!”
Something funny and upbeat, show her I don’t care? And make her not feel bad about bothering me? But then again. The way she reaches out like this is so not fucking cool. She seems confused and doesn’t know what she wants and I think I need to let her figure it out. And if that means I lose her then so be it? I still would love to reconcile in the right way. Have the relationship we both deserve, but not like this…

Jesus I can’t stop writing about this. This is insane! I hope it was a bit readable! I don’t think I’m in a hurry to reply to her because I’m kind of curious to see if she’ll reach out again if I ignore her for a bit. If she really wants to get back together, she would, right?

Hey @patricia12

I hope this is the last update I will have to make. I again thank you from the bottom of my heart for all the support you have given me on this journey.
It is not over but I hope the hardest part is. I can’t thank you enough for all the effort. I would buy you a cup of coffee if I could!
So far things are good and I hope they stay this way. It seems I got what I wanted which is the connection that we shared and my best friend.
At the moment this seems to be making me very happy. I’m also coming to terms with her seeing other people and the idea of her moving on with someone else, seeing that I would also like to do that. I will never exclude a new relationship with her, but this would mean a lot of couples therapy and resolving our different needs. I also don’t think either of us is open to reconciling at this point anyway (I still want to date other women in all fairness, just to see what else is out there).

I am going to write about how the communication the past week has been because I think it seems like a nice closing to this very long story that I have involved you in, which I can’t stop thanking you for.

After seeing her on “Date night”, and going through our anniversary on the 31st, I reached out to her on Sunday, the 1st of November. I sent an upbeat “Hey!” and told her I’ll ship her books next week using DPD because I liked their tracking. She said “Ok thanks! 😁” . I then just bit the bullet and asked how her date went. She replied saying it was nice and instantly asked me if I was seeing anyone. The conversation that followed after that was the most organic and natural way we talked to each other since the breakup. We talked about how it’s kinda weird that we’re both seeing other people. We talked about friends we know who never talked anymore after they broke up and how we did not want to up like “those people”.
She was on lunch break but I said we could continue talking later. She said ok and then 2 or 3 hours later she said “I’m home now btw”. This conversation ended up leading into a video call because of how we were kind of misinterpreting each other’s texts.

I have to tell you, Patricia, that video call was amazing. We talked like nothing ever happened between us. We talked for a whole hour about our relationship, the ups, and downs, what we’re doing now, we laughed a lot. We discussed the people we’re seeing now and how it’s different but also nice (for both of us). We almost misspoke and called each other by our nicknames (sweety and baby). I put some ground rules on our friendship, saying I do not want to put in all the work in our conversations because of how draining that was during our relationship and caused a lot of frustration with me. She 100% agreed to this.
We felt there was still so much air to clear and we could go on for hours. But we both decided to do this again soon and hung up. We both admitted how nice it felt to just talk to each other again like normal human beings.
I sent a follow-up text after we hung up saying I’ll friend her again on Facebook (This was an hour or two later). This led to a 4 hour (!) text conversation until she went to bed. She also has been initiating text conversations EVERY DAY the past week. I haven’t heard from her today but she is still working. I have not reached out to her. I am still letting her do the initiating.
It will be impossible for me to write out everything we talked about this week, but I can assure you, they were very positive. Key phrases she used:

Me: we had a lot to catch up on it seems
Her: Ye we havent *connected* in a while
Her:I put it in asterisks cause my therapist says connecting is not equal to just talking
Her: Connecting is like really getting on eachothers wavelength
And when I asked how she fell in love with me (we were talking how we first met and our first dates and all that, it wasn’t a random question!):
Her: I really dont know
Her: I had a lot of doubts early on as well
Her: I think at that point in time i liked that we were so different
Her: I also think its very hard to say for sure
Her: I just fell in love
Her: And i was so in love and it was so much
Her: I dont think i ever believed it was possible to be so in love as i was with u

We also talked about the drawings I’ve been posting on Instagram and she said:
I miss when youd draw me
Or
I sort of avoided anything that reminded me of u for a while

There were also very crucial moments about what went wrong:
Me: It feels like we haven’t talked like this in ages, or ever?
Her: I can make a pretty clear distinction of when it stopped
Her: When it started going south with your mom and your sister
Her: We diverted our attention to your sister
Her: We basically became parents
…
Her: Cause it was like being a co-parent
Her: With a super toxic person

Or how I would love to hear her speak Dutch if we ever meet again (she’s still practicing the Dutch she learned here over the years). She responded with:

Her: Ive spoken to guests in dutch and it always lead to a great tip😁
Me: I know you hate it when I force you to speak it but if we ever meet again I’d like to hear it
Her: I hope we do meet again

She also said that she doesn’t see herself falling in love in the near future (or ever again the way she was in love with me).

We also discussed the people we are seeing. She says she is just casually hanging out with the guy from her Instagram and neither of them are looking for anything serious. I said the same about me and the girl I am seeing. We discussed the idea if we ever get into a serious relationship with other people, that we would continue talking to each other and that our future partners need to be ok with this. We both agree that what we have is a great connection. We were also both on the verge of actually having kids with each other at some point (we never told each other this, but we both wanted it kind of).

I could go on and on. I keep re-reading our messages to see how I can improve my communication. I am learning a lot. I keep finding moments where I think I could’ve been more considerate, I also told her that I am trying to be more considerate in my communication in general. She was very enthusiastic about that! I’m also reading books about communication and I have been trying to apply this as much as possible. Every time she mentions the things that went wrong in our relationship, I respond by saying how I understand and make sure she knows I am hearing what she is saying (repeating it back to her “sounds like you went through a lot” kind of things). I try to also drop once in a while how I am trying to improve all these things.

So I guess that is it. I left out A LOT of crucial details so feel free to ask if you want. I am currently just going to let things play out how they are now. I am done with forcing things. I am getting my emotions under control. Our communication is 100% transparent and open at the moment and that is all I wanted. We are still very loving towards each other and I think we can learn a lot from each other by talking about our experience before and after the break-up.
I have gotten my best friend back and that is all I was hoping for. If she ever falls in love with someone, I want to be there for her to see her happy. She said that whoever I fall in love with, she’ll want to be friends with that person. I am honestly so happy with the agreement that we made. And who knows, if the love we had for each other comes back, then so be it. Otherwise, I am also perfectly happy.

I have been writing all this down for the past week thinking about how I should post this. And every time I think about sending it to you, new things keep happening. All feel very important. 2 days ago I asked her what she thought was specifically toxic about my mother (I said I would like to discuss it with my therapist) and she gave a nicely detailed answer. She then asked me what I thought was toxic about herself. I asked her the same about me, and there was a moment of apologizing to each other for how we treated each other (me being insecure and over dramatic and losing my temper, she not sharing her emotions with me and just shutting me out). She keeps saying how she keeps on eye on Belgian news to practice her dutch.
She hasn’t reached out in a few days until yesterday where she asked if we could do another phone call (I asked about this earlier if its easier for her to call because she’s very busy.) She said: “a lot has happened since we last talked itll just be easier to explain in non-text form”
She arranged a phone call for the next day (tonight). So now I guess we’re doing that.
I’m trying to forget about reconciling and just trying to make amends for all the things that went wrong, I’m also trying to make her understand how I felt and explain why I did the things that I did, but I think I need to cut that out. It seems like she had a really traumatic experience here and I need to be supportive about that.

Again thank you and I am SO SORRY for this massive wall of text but I have no idea what to do with these thoughts. I’m just going to post it as is because it feels the most complete this way.

I will probably plan a trip to Latvia to visit her when all this COVID is over, but for now, thank you and stay safe.

My mind seems to be racing all over the place and she really put a number on me. I just did some meditating and tried to center myself. The fact that its our anniversary and that we are in a complete lockdown seems to make this ten times harder than it should be. I keep going back and forth about thinking of removing her completely from social media. I think if I would do that now I remove all the progress that I have made so far. I feel like I need to remain strong and just keep pushing forward. If I show her weakness and jealousy now, I will be in a bad position. So I will try to maintain myself and let this play out. As I mentioned earlier, it is good for both of us to see other people after having a very dysfunctional relationship.

I just can’t believe that she would put it out there on social media in my face. It feels like a really low blow and a mean thing to do. She already broke up with me over text, she dragged the break up out for so long by “going on a break”. She “forgot” to give the phone back when she said she was going to. It took her forever to get her address to exchange things. I don’t know. It seems like she has no respect for my feelings at all, and this is just throwing salt in the wound.
I have also been on dates but I tried to be civil and not brag about it. I don’t think its very nice of a person to do this.

Regardless. I will ignore this and just keep focusing on myself. There is no point now in continuing this obsession with her. Right? I got the message loud and clear. This will either be a rebound and fail. Or it is serious and I am out of the picture completely. Whatever happens I need to start letting go now. How hard it might be. I will not reach out to her. No matter what.

Hey @patricia12

Sorry to hear you’re having trouble with getting to the website. The URL of the website changed recently, maybe that has something to do with it? I just go to https://ebpforums.com/boards/ and log in with my credentials.

There is a new development. I thought she was not going to date anyone because of the pandemic, but as it turns out she is dating someone new. She posted about it on Instagram. This is very weird and she never posted stories before. It was a picture of her having a beer with a guy (didn’t see his face), and a heart saying “date night”. It feels like this is not the first date. It also seems that the picture she had last week on her social media was her getting ready for a date night as well now that I think about it. I honestly feel like I’m going to be sick.
It feels like she’s also throwing it in my face. I don’t know what is going on in her head.
I just feel really bad right now and feel like its the end of the world and I have lost her for good.
I googled what to do and it says I should now focus on myself and I feel that’s not going to work for tonight.
My country just went in another lock down and I am not able to go outside and continue dating the other girl (we were supposed to meet up yesterday, but that got cancelled).

Is this over? I am not going to reach out to her. I’m also not going to remove her from Instagram because that would feel like a pitiful move right.
Please help me. It is our anniversary tomorrow and I can’t believe she’s doing this at this time.

Thanks @patricia12

She thanked me for the comment and then later (when she gave me the tracking number for the phone) asked me why I had to give the phone back. This kind of let into a conversation about how I’m switching careers and how I’m going freelance and cutting ties with the company I worked for. They were hit hard financially during COVID and had to let me go (this job was a big cause of stress at home actually. I vented a lot about a specific colleague and how I didn’t like some of the projects they gave me). She said “Good for u, sounds comfy😁”, I said how happy I am with how things turned out and that I get to focus on my own projects now and how more relaxed I feel and that they gave me a nice bonus. She said “Sounds great👍”. I asked how her school is going and she said how it’s all online at the moment but would prefer real classes. I didn’t respond to this.
She then later asked me to send the rest of her Harry Potter books. This was a gift I got her 3 years ago on her birthday. It was a pricey box set of the entire series and it came in a cute package. I already sent her the one book she was reading with her other stuff, I didn’t send the other books because it was too heavy for one shipment and getting a bit expensive. This is something we talked about during the phone call. I also think it’s one of the best presents I ever got her.

Here’s how the interaction went:

Her: Btw, if i give u money could u send all the other Harry Potter books?
Me: You want em all?
Me: Of course!
Her: I mainly want the little trunk they came in😁
Her: But the books as well of course, otherwise theyre just cluttering your space
Me: Well, theyre yours 😅 I’m not going to read them anyway
Me: I have to warn you, the shipping isn’t going to be cheap 😏
Her: If u can do it with DPD that would be great cause their system seems pretty solid and its cheaper
Her: But lets see how your phone gets to u i guess😄
Me: 👍
Me: I’ll look into it!
Me: Just checked PostNL, its one euro cheaper than DPD 😎

I guess I’ll just send it with DPD as she asked, but I wanted to see if there were cheaper options. Anyway, I guess once the phone arrives and I sent the books I will lay low for now and just let her initiate contact again. It’s what I’ve been doing so far, and it feels like the best course of action. I haven’t really initiated anything up till now unless she said something. I feel like I’m being friend-zoned, and because of the quarantine, there is no way of meeting up. I do feel that on the plus side she’s not going to actively date anyone new seeing how scared she is of getting COVID.

I could really use some pointers on my communication because I have no idea how to navigate this. I feel like I’m in this limbo of “friend” and “ex-lover” and I don’t want to fall in the friend zone (even though I probably already am). I really just try to be upbeat and light. She also seems to have her guard up still so it’s hard to talk about deeper stuff. Not that that would be good at this point I guess. We’ll see how things go for now. I’m glad I’m getting the phone back. I was so done with paying for her things.

Our anniversary is next weekend on Halloween and I’m not sure if I’m emotionally prepared to go through it. I already made plans with friends so I’m at least not alone and have distraction.

Thank you again for your continued efforts and time. Knowing I have a place to go to, to lay it all our feels like it is helping me process things.

Hey @patricia12 !

She reached out again today. It seems she wants to maintain contact. I noticed this as well when we talked on the phone last month how she mentioned that she still wants to be able to talk to me. But as I mentioned in one of my earlier posts, I told her I feel uncomfortable with it.
I will be honest. I love hearing from her and I love talking to her. She’s the person that I was able to be fully myself with without judgment for 8 years. I’m just afraid that I will not be able to get over her if we remain in contact, because of the hope of getting back together, etc.
But I also don’t want to ignore her because I feel that will also hurt my chances of getting back together.

Anyway. She complimented me about a drawing that I posted on Instagram yesterday:
” I really like your inktober drawing from yesterday 👍 ”
I’ve been participating in Inktober (art event online). I think my reply will be “Thanks! I bought some new pens for that drawing.” And then try to ask for the phone after that (I hadn’t reached out to her yet). I’m going to think about how to phrase it for now, but I’d love to hear your input on this.

I went on a second date with the girl but I’m going to call it off. The chemistry I felt the first evening isn’t there anymore and I don’t feel very compatible with her and hanging out gives me stress and anxiety.
I will, however, keep seeing and talking to the other girl that I mentioned before because she’s way younger and more alternative like me. I’m not very physically attracted to her but she’s being a really good friend and I feel very comfortable around her. We’ll see what happens. It helps be me be distracted from my ex.

So just get the phone back now and then I will never reach out to my ex again. I feel like she has her doubts about this entire thing and COVID just scared her shitless and she wants to be with her family now.
But that’s just my brain playing tricks on me. I’m trying very hard to let go so I can be stronger and less codependent and a nicer person. I’ve noticed talking to girls on dates about their exes and why their relationships ended is giving me a lot of insight. I’m learning a lot by meeting new people. I just hope I don’t forget these things.