soupcat

@patricia12

Oh no! I think I explained it badly. I was using a work phone, which they are asking back, so now I would be without phone, and since I’m still paying for hers and she doesn’t use it, I would like it back.
I’ll see how it goes with the 2nd girl, but when I told her I got out of a long term relationship she seemed a bit cautious, which is normal. But the rest of the date went REALLY well (she was playing with her hair and we had a super organic convo)
I’m still visiting my psychologist weekly but haven’t gotten my license yet (Not allowed to take the exam yet for another month or 2). I’m 100% certain she still lives at home because its where the package arrived. Last time on the phone it sounded like she got the job to pay for therapy. I could ask about it. But I think our little conversation just died out and I don’t want to do overdo it. So I’ll just leave it until she talks to me again. She’s probably celebrating the birthday with her mom.

Hey @patricia12

It’s been a while, but there’s been a small update and I’d like your input if possible again.
After two weeks the package finally arrived (I think there’s been some delays because of COVID), and I didn’t receive a confirmation from her that it arrived properly. There was some fragile things in there (her favorite mug) and I wasn’t entirely sure if it arrived on the right address (They live in an apartment complex). So after waiting a day or 2 I reached out to her mother. It was also her birthday and we always wished each other happy birthday every year. I have no beef with her and she’s been liking my posts on Facebook for the past weeks. It felt weird if I stopped talking to her. Anyway, I said “Happy birthday! Did the package arrive correctly?”. She thanked me and confirmed that it did.

Then an hour later I receive a message from my ex: “Hey, i got your package. Thank you😊”
The response I’d liked to send would be: “Alright, great! I was afraid the cups would get smashed along the way. It also took longer than I thought.”

I also went on a date yesterday with a different girl who I thought was very attractive and super nice. It felt like I could develop feelings for her. It was nice to know this was still possible.

Is it impolite to not respond to her for this long? I feel like I’m overthinking things. I’ve also been busy with working out, meditating and my own business so I hope she understands that I don’t respond right away.

@patricia12 I said I was doing ok and asked her if she’s also ok. She then accidentally called me. I tried calling back but then she hung up and said she felt emotionally unprepared. But she would be ok with calling tomorrow. So we scheduled a call all of a sudden.
I wasn’t expecting this and I said “yeah if that’s what you want”. Now I don’t know what is happening and why we are calling actually. I think it’s just to catch up or something? But I’ll tell her about the psychologist during that phone call and how I’ve been doing meditation.

I’m really flustered now and I’m doing my best to stay calm, which is working, but is there anything else I should say on the phone call? I so badly want to know how she is doing but I don’t know how ready she is to open up to me about her things. I assume that I should NOT mention getting back together or the breakup or how I still love her? Or is it ok to mention “Honestly, a part of me still wants you back but I’m okay with whatever happens. I understand why we broke up and I’ve learned a lot from it.”

Should I mention that how I felt this breakup was definitely necessary for us to grow? Because in all honesty, it really feels like a good thing because it was going so bad for a while. And we needed this break. I just wish that now that we are growing, we can rekindle in the future. When I have my drivers license and finances and savings in order. And finished the sessions with the psychologist. And when she feels ready to handle the world on her own. But at this point in time I have no idea what she’s going through and how she feels. Is this a friendship call? Am I slowly being friend zoned?

And the date went great only I think I’ll have to call it off because I’m definitely not ready for another relationship and she seems very much in love with me already.

Thank you so much for your quick response. I hope it goes well tomorrow and I’m not expecting anything out of it. It’s so nice that she finally reached out to me on her own terms, which she never even did during our relationship. She just seems so fragile and I really don’t want to fuck this up anymore than I already have. She is the sweetest girl I have ever met and I took her for granted because I felt entitled and I will never forgive myself for letting this happen. I hope I’m not making things harder for me to move on by interacting with her. Everywhere on the internet they say “stay away from your ex!” but I can’t help it. We were young and naïve and had no emotional maturity and I feel like we can fix this if she’s willing.

What if it’s a phone call to tell me we should never speak again?

Haha I can see you figured it out!

My mother and sister their issues was indeed something that never should’ve entered our lives, they were in counseling at the time (still are) and my mother has a way of just pushing her problems onto others. I’ve started making boundaries with her now, but obviously its a bit late now. I really didn’t see how affected she was by this and I feel like a fucking idiot.

I was indeed going to say something along the lines of how on edge I was due to work, and that I’m happy I started seeing someone to deal with my own issues.

When she initially broke up with me I apologized at that moment already. Should I apologize again? I mean, I keep finding new things to be sorry for. I have entire letters written in my journal I could send to her (which I wont, obviously). The last apology I sent when she broke up with me was this:

No but euhm. I really need to tell you how sorry I am. I’ve been going through our texts of the past year and I’m honestly disgustes with myself and the person I turned into. I don’t know what the fuck happened but, this was not ok. I don’t expect you to forgive me, but I just needed to tell you. I’m truly sorry.

That’s when she said that “Our relationship was unhealthy for a while i think. It was hard to see from inside but taking a step back was an eye opener” To which I suggested couples therapy which she didn’t feel she could handle.

If I’d apologize again, I would have something like this lined up (its way too much so I think id need to trim the fat but its whats on my mind):

“Alright I’ll send it asap. I hope you’re doing well! 🙂 I started seeing a psychologist the past weeks and it seems I’ve been super on edge for a long time due to work. I really needed to talk to someone.
I also want to apologize again for all the times I didn’t acknowledge your depression. For all the times I took you for granted and didn’t hear your problems out. For all the times I didn’t stop talking about work and used you as a vent to just complain. For all the times I complained when I wasn’t happy with the food that you so lovingly made. For blowing up out of nowhere and starting arguments that were not productive.”

This would be in a reply of the address. I feel this is bringing up things and reminding her of bad parts of the relationship. So I have no fucking clue what I’m doing here. It also feels like I’m begging for forgiveness this way.

Thank you for your response. I hope I hear from her at some point and she’s not just ghosting me. But the longer we don’t talk. The better it feels. Part of me feels a bit jealous and anxious she might go out and have sex with other men, but at the same time I feel ok with it because we’re not together anymore.

@patricia12
Thank you for your reply!

To answer your questions:

She actually moved in with me within the first 3 or 4 months or so if I remember correctly. She was living with a family as an au pair at that time, so she never really lived by herself. I remember it being really fast but also feeling really right. So we’ve honestly lived together during all this time except for the first few months. She went back to Latvia the 29th of June, so almost exactly 2 months ago. Before that we went every year to visit her family around the holidays.

I also made a mistake. She hasn’t been doing therapy for that long. It was only after the first session that we had the call.3 weeks after she left she said “I have my first appointment tomorrow” and I told her good luck. When I asked her how it went, she didn’t reply for an entire day. In the evening she texted me saying that she cried a lot during the session and has a lot to think about and to call on Friday. Now she never discussed how often she’s doing these therapy sessions, and I don’t really want to ask her. She needs to do this on her own. I hope she gets medication.

About my family. She was always very close with my sister and my mother. When we first started dating she took care of my younger sister who was 7 at the time. Babysitting and picking her up from school. My mom is a single mom. But now recently during COVID there were a lot of problems with my sister. A lot of fighting between her and my mother which escalated into physical fights. My ex was very sensitive to this and my mother kept calling her and me to help with the situation and deal with it. This was a boundary issue on my part and I should’ve stopped it. I know better now.
At some point my sister stayed with us for 3 weeks because it got so intense. She also ended up creating drama at our place. This annoyed my ex immensely and said “I am done with this shit” frequently.

So yeah, she hasn’t been in therapy for that long (a month or two now supposedly) and I don’t know how intense the sessions. I am fully aware that she needs to sort herself out for now. Weather this is 3 months or 6 months. I totally understand. I need to get a very clear signal that she feels better before I start reconciling. Thank you for this advice. She needs to stop associating me with her depression and anxieties. I’m very afraid she sees me or the relationship as the cause. She’s definitely a fearful attachment and I’m a anxious attachment, and I read these two types can cause depression due to needs not being met.

Thank you so much for your reply, this will help me put my mind at rest and get some clarity on the situation. People keep saying I should move on and forget about her, but it’s hard because I care about her well being. I can’t just turn those emotions off. People keep saying “Its not your concern anymore”, which I find a bit insulting. She’s still a person I can care about.
But I will definitely keep my distance because this is the last she needs right now and I’m patient enough to let her handle this. I still want to make amends for my mistakes but that’s for way down the line. The same with the elephant in the room message, this is for when contact goes better.
I’ll tell her about the psychologist even though I have no idea how to phrase it without showing off or it being unnatural. I’ll think about this.

Again thank you this helps so much. I can finally focus on myself a bit now.

I did the indent by using the button next to “LINK” >>> B-QUOTE