Should I reset No Contact?

@patricia12

Hey.

To answer your previous post. Yes, this is the girl I went to Italy with. I have basically been in an on / off rebound relationship with her for almost 8 months (I started seeing her in April). She’s really pretty, Polish, vegan, and fun to hang out with and my friends love her. It’s an absolute disaster because I don’t want her as my girlfriend. She feels like a repetition of my previous relationship (different attachment styles, being with each other just to not be alone,…) and she is also not what I’m looking for in a girl. I first started dating her because I thought we had a lot in common and I could feel myself falling in love with her and I said this to her (“I think Im falling in love with you”).
She came out of a very abusive relationship and I think she was also falling in love with me. I mean I was being very respectful and nice and genuine, something she was clearly missing in her previous relationship and we clicked on a spiritual level.

But now it has just turned into a disgusting, toxic mess that I have created. I invited her for New Years eve because she doesn’t know anyone in this city and would be all alone.
We ended up shopping together for food for the party (we had a few friends over, all vaccinated and tested negative) and cooking together. We slept with other again. I initiated sex with her. Honestly she hates me and tells me that she doesn’t deserve this treatment. But she keeps reaching out to me at the same time. It’s a very frustrating situation and I want it to end.

She is now getting close with my sister (she was there at new years eve) and are hanging out together. I don’t know what she’s playing at but I told her last week again that we cant see each other anymore and that I went out with other girls (I went on 2 dates with 2 different girls over the holidays).

So that’s the situation with her. I’m going to try to just not see her anymore ever again. I haven’t seen her since the start of the year and I’m going to keep it that way. I think as long as I don’t physically be around her, it can work to let her go. Last time I tried blocking her she became extremely erratic.

But now for some good news! My work/career is actually doing really well.
Besides my comics slowly getting followers on Instagram and getting a lot of positive feedback. I’m now officially self employed with a VAT number and have my own Motion Design business. Money is consistent and I got to buy a new laptop and everything for the company and clients are happy. I’m keeping up with my own expenses, talking to my accountant and scheduling my tasks.
I get to pick my own hours and work from my home office. I’m doing a pitch next Wednesday to apply for some extra funding. Hope it goes well! (I should be working on the presentation now haha). All my friends are very supportive and keep find work for me to do on top and I love doing it.
I’m also focusing on my comics a lot, trying to make that a side business. I have a Patreon (like a crowdfunding website) and people are donating money and buying my shirts.

Honestly, these comics are the one thing that I have done consistently since the break up and have been my therapy. My anchor, my rock. Its the one thing that I know no one can judge me on and that I do for myself. It started out as a way to get my ex back but now it has transformed into a community with other webcomic artist and I’m learning so much because of them. And yes, I still see my ex looking at the stories I post of these comics.

I started stalking her again on social media. Trying to find any sign of activity. She’s very inactive on social media so I have no idea what she’s up to. She posted a few pictures of a cat, I think she has a new cat. I heard from mutual friends its getting serious with her new boyfriend, but I see no “in a relationship” status on Facebook. She tagged a guy in one of her stories last year, I think it’s her boyfriend, I have no idea honestly. But this guy is still on single status on Facebook. She also posted something on Facebook about looking for a flat. She didn’t specify that it’s for a couple and the price she posted is really low, it doesn’t really feel like she’s moving in with the guy. I have no idea what is happening, and its for the best and I should stop analyzing and stalking.

I guess I just miss her so, and I’m so used to her being in my life after 7 years, it feels fucking strange. I keep thinking about how I asked her to marry me. I was a guy who was always against this system. When I was a 20 year old I believed marriage was just a piece of paper that was an institute of patriarchy. And then I found this girl and I just wanted to spend my whole life with her. I wanted her to know that.

I want to text her every day. Every minute of the hour I have to hold myself back from sending her a message. When she sent me that message of wanting to stay in touch it gave me a whole bunch of hope again. It is spooking in my head like a ghost. “She wants to stay in touch, she still loves me, she wants me back but doesn’t know how to say it, she misses me”
All these toxic thoughts.

I am swiping on these apps looking for her. Someone that can replace her. Someone so amazing that I will completely forget about her. But I’m very sure that this person does not exist at this point and that I am not ready for them. I went out with a beautifully intelligent girl a few weeks back. Everything I always wanted. And I feel nothing. I have talked to dozens of women through these apps and went out with most of them. They all fall head over heals in love with me. They start sending me hearts and can’t wait to see me again. I just get uncomfortable and avoidant and just shut them down.

My roommate so far has proven to be an amazing human in all this. I cooked him a nice meal last night because he’s been a great distraction and I can talk to him about anything. He knows how I feel but I stopped bringing her up out of respect for him. He’s in quarantine now so we get to spend a little more time together. He has actually gotten a girlfriend recently that I kind of helped him with. I have gotten so good at dating that I gave him some pointers and now he has find a beautiful intelligent girl and they’re in love. She is very sweet and I get to talk to her a bit about my issues. I keep it in moderation, don’t worry.

Our birthdays are coming up. Mine is next week Friday. Hers is one month after that. I think after those two dates I might send a message checking in with her what’s up. Hopefully I will have moved on by then and don’t feel the need for it anymore. But I doubt it.

That is how its going. Ups and downs. 1 step forward 2 back.
I have saved up enough money now to find myself a good therapist this time and get a drivers license.

I texted my ex last night when I was very drunk.

Its been almost a year since that last message she send about wanting to stay in touch. I was getting really good at not wanting to text her, but I still stalked her on social media.

I have almost completely stopped dating. Sadly enough I did see that poor girl I mistreated one more time this summer. One of my friends is still in touch with her and he keeps asking her out (which I told him is a stupid idea). She came out one time to a party in a club where I was with him. All of us did mdma and I ended up at her place in her bed. The next day on the come down I realized how stupid I was. I apologized and we haven’t spoken since then (this is a few months ago. I hope she’s okay but I probably severely damaged this girl and I am not proud of it. My karma took a severe hit with this. Worst chapter of my dating life.

I have moved into my own place because my friend decided to move in with his girlfriend. I’m very happy for him and it’s nice to be back on my own. I get some more privacy and space to think. Focus on myself for real this time.

There was a moment this summer where my ex was visiting a friend in town. This was very upsetting actually because we were still not talking. I spiraled a bit out of control that week. It’s so bizarre to know she was back in the country and I didn’t see her.

However, I did meet someone that shifted my perception a bit. There was an evening where I went out with my friends and I met a Swedish girl. She was very pretty and smart and a nice accent. We ended up kissing and she said things how hot I am etc.
I don’t know what happened but I actually felt myself falling in love. It was a feeling I haven’t felt since I was with my ex. This kind of made me realize there is some hope for me perhaps. That I could love someone else.
Sadly enough it turned out this girl has a boyfriend back in Sweden so I was not able to continue seeing her. It was sad to find this out and that I was involved with cheating, but there is not a lot I can do about it. So I’m letting it rest. I’m happy that I was able to feel something again.

I had a really fun summer with my friends, lots of partying and festivals. It feels like the country finally recovering from the Covid craze.

I don’t know why I actually texted my ex last night. I’ve thought a lot about it but for some reason I was stupid enough to actually press send this time.

We ended up talking today a bit. She seems to want to keep the conversation going a lot. She’d say something and I wouldn’t respond for hours and she’d send follow up texts. She asks things like “does this mean we’re talking again” which I would ignore.
She mentioned that I appeared in a dream of hers which made her think of me lately and how I’m doing.

I am slowly realizing that we’re not at the same wavelength as we used to and that this is not the right person for me as a girlfriend. But this could be a form of denial.
I guess I’m just so used to her being in my life it’s weird for her to not be there.

Anyway yeah, that was it kind of. A lot more drama happened with girls but I will spare you the details. I’m not actively dating. I still to girls on these apps but it’s mainly out of boredom and distraction.
It’s going to take some time for me to actually be ready to be in a relationship again. I’m currently pretty happy being single. I like the freedom.

Thanks for reading. I hope you’re well.