Boards › No Contact Rule › Should I reset No Contact?
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October 31, 2020 at 6:11 am #115596
@soupcat Thank you very much for the link!! I copied it and bookmarked it and it works fine..
NO! Don’t say this:“Hey seeing your story last night made me realize that I don’t think we can be friends for now. It really hurt me and I think we should stop talking for a while.” She will know you’ve been carefully checking out her social media. Instead say something like “I’m having a difficult time coping with our breakup and need some space with no contact for awhile. I hope you understand.”
And don’t remove her from Instagram. Just stop looking at social media so much.. Even though I know it’s hard to stop obsessing about her, try very hard to focus on something else the second thoughts of her come into your head!
I’m sorta shocked myself that she is being so inconsiderate of your feelings after the many years you spent together. Maybe with time, she will mature emotionally enough to stop toying with you..
Here in the United States, COVID-19 is spreading everywhere and some people don’t have the common sense to social distance and wear masks. Very tragic and scary world-wide!
I hope you won’t be so sad much longer if you can manage to re-focus your thoughts.
Good luck and take care..
October 31, 2020 at 6:13 am #115597PS: Did you receive the phone?
October 31, 2020 at 5:17 pm #115600Thank you very much for the link!! I copied it and bookmarked it and it works fine..
@patricia12
Glad to hear that works!PS: Did you receive the phone?
Yes I did! Arrived really fast. Now I have to send her Harry Potter books and ask for the money for shipment.
I have not send the message because I’m still thinking about it.
After everything that happened this weekend it feels like I can’t handle this because I’m not treating this like a friendship.
I keep having her reach out and I feel like I’m being distant. But I have this feeling that I want to be friends with her.I think I’ll feel more at ease if the lines of communication are more open because right now I feel she’s not reaching out to me because out of fear of hurting me or something.
What if I just switch the entire interaction and just start asking how she’s doing and how her dates are going? It seems like she wants me to know.
What if I just embrace the friendship and stop with this dumb idea of getting her back. I KNOW we could be good friends. Our communication is really good, I just feel like shit because I feel like I’m playing this dumb game of getting her back which is not like myself. If I start acting more like myself and normal, things would feel way better for me.
I want to know that she can talk to me.It’s just an idea
October 31, 2020 at 5:31 pm #115601@soupcat It’s possible to be friendly and gain back the attraction/love again! It’s a chance, but not guaranteed..
Yes of course, act like yourself. Say and do some of the things as when you first met.
I really don’t know what else to say for now, just wishing you luck..
November 11, 2020 at 7:03 am #115629Hey @patricia12
I hope this is the last update I will have to make. I again thank you from the bottom of my heart for all the support you have given me on this journey.
It is not over but I hope the hardest part is. I can’t thank you enough for all the effort. I would buy you a cup of coffee if I could!
So far things are good and I hope they stay this way. It seems I got what I wanted which is the connection that we shared and my best friend.
At the moment this seems to be making me very happy. I’m also coming to terms with her seeing other people and the idea of her moving on with someone else, seeing that I would also like to do that. I will never exclude a new relationship with her, but this would mean a lot of couples therapy and resolving our different needs. I also don’t think either of us is open to reconciling at this point anyway (I still want to date other women in all fairness, just to see what else is out there).I am going to write about how the communication the past week has been because I think it seems like a nice closing to this very long story that I have involved you in, which I can’t stop thanking you for.
After seeing her on “Date night”, and going through our anniversary on the 31st, I reached out to her on Sunday, the 1st of November. I sent an upbeat “Hey!” and told her I’ll ship her books next week using DPD because I liked their tracking. She said “Ok thanks! 😁” . I then just bit the bullet and asked how her date went. She replied saying it was nice and instantly asked me if I was seeing anyone. The conversation that followed after that was the most organic and natural way we talked to each other since the breakup. We talked about how it’s kinda weird that we’re both seeing other people. We talked about friends we know who never talked anymore after they broke up and how we did not want to up like “those people”.
She was on lunch break but I said we could continue talking later. She said ok and then 2 or 3 hours later she said “I’m home now btw”. This conversation ended up leading into a video call because of how we were kind of misinterpreting each other’s texts.I have to tell you, Patricia, that video call was amazing. We talked like nothing ever happened between us. We talked for a whole hour about our relationship, the ups, and downs, what we’re doing now, we laughed a lot. We discussed the people we’re seeing now and how it’s different but also nice (for both of us). We almost misspoke and called each other by our nicknames (sweety and baby). I put some ground rules on our friendship, saying I do not want to put in all the work in our conversations because of how draining that was during our relationship and caused a lot of frustration with me. She 100% agreed to this.
We felt there was still so much air to clear and we could go on for hours. But we both decided to do this again soon and hung up. We both admitted how nice it felt to just talk to each other again like normal human beings.
I sent a follow-up text after we hung up saying I’ll friend her again on Facebook (This was an hour or two later). This led to a 4 hour (!) text conversation until she went to bed. She also has been initiating text conversations EVERY DAY the past week. I haven’t heard from her today but she is still working. I have not reached out to her. I am still letting her do the initiating.
It will be impossible for me to write out everything we talked about this week, but I can assure you, they were very positive. Key phrases she used:Me: we had a lot to catch up on it seems
Her: Ye we havent *connected* in a while
Her:I put it in asterisks cause my therapist says connecting is not equal to just talking
Her: Connecting is like really getting on eachothers wavelength
And when I asked how she fell in love with me (we were talking how we first met and our first dates and all that, it wasn’t a random question!):
Her: I really dont know
Her: I had a lot of doubts early on as well
Her: I think at that point in time i liked that we were so different
Her: I also think its very hard to say for sure
Her: I just fell in love
Her: And i was so in love and it was so much
Her: I dont think i ever believed it was possible to be so in love as i was with uWe also talked about the drawings I’ve been posting on Instagram and she said:
I miss when youd draw me
Or
I sort of avoided anything that reminded me of u for a whileThere were also very crucial moments about what went wrong:
Me: It feels like we haven’t talked like this in ages, or ever?
Her: I can make a pretty clear distinction of when it stopped
Her: When it started going south with your mom and your sister
Her: We diverted our attention to your sister
Her: We basically became parents
…
Her: Cause it was like being a co-parent
Her: With a super toxic personOr how I would love to hear her speak Dutch if we ever meet again (she’s still practicing the Dutch she learned here over the years). She responded with:
Her: Ive spoken to guests in dutch and it always lead to a great tip😁
Me: I know you hate it when I force you to speak it but if we ever meet again I’d like to hear it
Her: I hope we do meet againShe also said that she doesn’t see herself falling in love in the near future (or ever again the way she was in love with me).
We also discussed the people we are seeing. She says she is just casually hanging out with the guy from her Instagram and neither of them are looking for anything serious. I said the same about me and the girl I am seeing. We discussed the idea if we ever get into a serious relationship with other people, that we would continue talking to each other and that our future partners need to be ok with this. We both agree that what we have is a great connection. We were also both on the verge of actually having kids with each other at some point (we never told each other this, but we both wanted it kind of).
I could go on and on. I keep re-reading our messages to see how I can improve my communication. I am learning a lot. I keep finding moments where I think I could’ve been more considerate, I also told her that I am trying to be more considerate in my communication in general. She was very enthusiastic about that! I’m also reading books about communication and I have been trying to apply this as much as possible. Every time she mentions the things that went wrong in our relationship, I respond by saying how I understand and make sure she knows I am hearing what she is saying (repeating it back to her “sounds like you went through a lot” kind of things). I try to also drop once in a while how I am trying to improve all these things.
So I guess that is it. I left out A LOT of crucial details so feel free to ask if you want. I am currently just going to let things play out how they are now. I am done with forcing things. I am getting my emotions under control. Our communication is 100% transparent and open at the moment and that is all I wanted. We are still very loving towards each other and I think we can learn a lot from each other by talking about our experience before and after the break-up.
I have gotten my best friend back and that is all I was hoping for. If she ever falls in love with someone, I want to be there for her to see her happy. She said that whoever I fall in love with, she’ll want to be friends with that person. I am honestly so happy with the agreement that we made. And who knows, if the love we had for each other comes back, then so be it. Otherwise, I am also perfectly happy.I have been writing all this down for the past week thinking about how I should post this. And every time I think about sending it to you, new things keep happening. All feel very important. 2 days ago I asked her what she thought was specifically toxic about my mother (I said I would like to discuss it with my therapist) and she gave a nicely detailed answer. She then asked me what I thought was toxic about herself. I asked her the same about me, and there was a moment of apologizing to each other for how we treated each other (me being insecure and over dramatic and losing my temper, she not sharing her emotions with me and just shutting me out). She keeps saying how she keeps on eye on Belgian news to practice her dutch.
She hasn’t reached out in a few days until yesterday where she asked if we could do another phone call (I asked about this earlier if its easier for her to call because she’s very busy.) She said: “a lot has happened since we last talked itll just be easier to explain in non-text form”
She arranged a phone call for the next day (tonight). So now I guess we’re doing that.
I’m trying to forget about reconciling and just trying to make amends for all the things that went wrong, I’m also trying to make her understand how I felt and explain why I did the things that I did, but I think I need to cut that out. It seems like she had a really traumatic experience here and I need to be supportive about that.Again thank you and I am SO SORRY for this massive wall of text but I have no idea what to do with these thoughts. I’m just going to post it as is because it feels the most complete this way.
I will probably plan a trip to Latvia to visit her when all this COVID is over, but for now, thank you and stay safe.
November 12, 2020 at 4:24 am #115630@soupcat You’re welcome and I’m glad I could be helpful (if only a little bit).
She said: “a lot has happened since we last talked itll just be easier to explain in non-text form”
Wondering what she said happened since you two last talked, but not necessary to let me know. I’m sure you two will be able to communicate effectively from now on..
You wrote:”I’m also trying to make her understand how I felt and explain why I did the things that I did, but I think I need to cut that out.” I agree as it seems you’ve done your best to make amends and any more would probably be repetitive.
I’m glad you’re content with being good friends! Sounds like progress and nobody knows what will happen in the future..
I’ll miss hearing from you, but so glad you’re feeling okay with your situation as it is right now and wish only the best for you! Take care and stay safe too..
November 26, 2020 at 8:08 pm #115660Dear @patricia12 ,
I hope you are doing well and staying safe amongst this COVID craze.
I thought I wasn’t going to contact you anymore, but something happened and I would like one final piece of advice from you. We’ve been having consistent friendly conversations every few days, always light and upbeat. Always with the mindset of being good friends with her. But now she lost her job recently and a few hours ago she texted me this:
Can i say something thats emotionally difficult to say?
I miss you, and i miss the relationship we had when it was good
And i wish i met you later, when i knew more about myself, love and life in generalI responded with:
wow that is emotionally difficult
I know
I feel the sameWe then had a small chat about our relationship and how it shaped us (I remained calm and focused). I asked her if she was worried about my reaction because she kept saying how hard it was to say it. She replied with:
I wasnt worried about how youd react, i was afraid of saying it in the first place
When i said it to my new therapist i full on ugly-criedI then steered the conversation into suggesting a video chat to expand on everything and she was very on board with that. So this Saturday we’re going to be talking about this face to face.
I am still not 100% going to assume this means reconciling, but it feels things are looking good. Now, are there specific things I should and shouldn’t say when we go on video chat? What is the best course of action here? I plan on keeping the course and staying friendly. Don’t initiate contact (not too much anyway, maybe once a week if the timing is right). I am not planning to mention getting back together. Just talk about her feelings and how things are going and how I have changed since the breakup (having more boundaries with my family, trying to be more considerate of people’s emotions, etc).
Thank you Patricia. I think we’re almost there.
November 27, 2020 at 1:39 am #115661@soupcat Sorry to hear about her job lose and hope she finds another fairly soon.
It sounds like you have good instincts as to how to respond to her comments. And it sounds like she’s on the verge of wanting to try reconciliation.
And your idea of not initiating too much contact is a good one too. Just continue reacting to her as you have been. The only thing I would suggest is that you ask her if she is willing to consider reconciliation. If she says yes, ask her to think about what you each should or could do to accomplish it.. But if you think this is too direct and too soon to mention, just go with your instincts and continue on the upbeat friendly path.
Stay safe and best wishes for you both:)
November 29, 2020 at 4:07 pm #115664@soupcat How did the video chat go??
January 27, 2021 at 6:25 am #115716Hey @patricia12 !
It’s been a while! The reason I haven’t posted here is that nothing happened. We never ended up in a video call.
After that conversation, she went cold and on the day itself, I never heard from her. The day after I asked her what happened to which she said “I was tired and fell asleep”. Honestly, I was a bit disappointed with this and didn’t feel like chasing her. So I went back to no contact.
She also kind of stopped reaching out to me as much. There were a few key messages I received from her:
One is how the dating app Bumble is disappointing (no people in her area) and how she broke up with the guy she was seeing. Her reason was that he kept talking about marriage and kids and it made her uncomfortable (she told him she wanted casual and no kids or marriage). After that, she went cold again until the holidays.on Christmas (on the 26th, not the 25th) she sends me a merry Christmas and asked me what I did (Covid restrictions meant we both couldn’t see our families), I asked her the same. Few days after that I was doing a YouTube stream where I was drawing art and she said hi in the chat and reached out as well saying that I looked good (new haircut)and she missed watching me draw. On the 1st of January, she wished me a happy new year and asked me what I did. I mentioned how I got drunk (I actually slept with a girl I was seeing but did not want to tell her this) and asked her the same. She said how she stayed sober because the person she’s seeing now (she’s seeing someone else?) had to work and she wanted to be compassionate. She used to have a bit of a drinking problem so this felt like progress to me but also mean. I asked her if the guy she is seeing now is nice (mistake on my part, I KNOW! But I have a hunch she is seeing a girl because she wanted that and she used genderless pronouns to describe the person. I was curious if she found a girl to date! I would be happy for her! It’s not easy being bisexual and she recently came out to her mother). She ignored that message and didn’t reach out until my birthday.
On the 14th of January, she said “Happy Birthday! Have a good one!”. This felt a bit impersonal to me because I turned 30 and it was a big deal for me. She should know this. The funny part is that both her parents actually wished me a happy birthday exactly at midnight! I must’ve made a good impression on her parents? She sent her message around 4 PM. Does that matter?
I tried to get more conversation out of it by sending a picture of the birthday cake. This led to some back and forth (again small talk). The day after she asked how my birthday went and we exchanged some pictures (they’re having a lot of snow right now and I send pictures of how I was having a small party outside). I reached out the next day trying to be funny and saying I’m never drinking again. This is an inside joke we had whenever we went out drinking and had a hangover. She responded positive but went cold after that.
During the inauguration, I send her a picture of Bernie Sanders on his chair and we talked politics a bit (we were both always passionate about American politics). I told her it was nice to be able to talk about this to someone else besides my roommate. She again ignored that message.That brings us to today. The reason I am posting here again. I am once again lost and in need of assistance.
It’s been a week since our last conversation and I decided I need to move on. What we had was beautiful but I need to stop chasing her and start living my life without trying to reconcile. I know I said I was okay with friendship (which I meant! I love our friendship!), but I didn’t think she’d say she’d miss me. That changed everything. But when we never had that video call I lost that hope again. I feel like I’m on an emotional roller coaster.Now yesterday I got a message from her out of the blue. She sends me a picture from my Instagram. One of my drawings of me and her. She said, “we used to be so cute” followed up with “Can I ask for a favor”. Now, I saw those notifications and decided to not open them for a bit. I was having dinner, and they were giving me anxiety. I tried to distract myself by talking to my roommate and playing video games with him. After a few hours I texted her “whats up?” she said:
I remember reading a book in dutch about Hitlers assistant. Can i see what the author is? (shes a book nerd)
I didn’t respond right away because I was playing video games and then half an hour later she sends:
Nvm i got it, sorry to bother u…???
One last noticeable thing worth mentioning. She likes almost all my posts on my new Instagram account. I’ve been uploading old and new artwork trying to establish a business. She followed this account without me asking and commented on it (drawings I made of her big butt that she likes).
So that brings you up to speed Patricia. It is another massive post and I apologize again. But so far I haven’t responded to her message, because it feels like breadcrumbs and some kind of not letting me move on but using me as a backup plan? I have no idea what to make of this.
So my question is. Can I ignore the messages from yesterday? She might’ve had a bad day, or a dip or something and got nostalgic. I’m staying busy and positive. Trying to not let this get to me. I have gotten really good at not looking at her profile and staying away from social media (maybe she hasn’t seen me online in a while, which could be causing this behavior?).
My alternative I could or would want to send is “Hey! Good that you found that author! Sorry that I didn’t respond, I was playing Red Dead redemption, horse poop simulator. Really good game!”
Something funny and upbeat, show her I don’t care? And make her not feel bad about bothering me? But then again. The way she reaches out like this is so not fucking cool. She seems confused and doesn’t know what she wants and I think I need to let her figure it out. And if that means I lose her then so be it? I still would love to reconcile in the right way. Have the relationship we both deserve, but not like this…Jesus I can’t stop writing about this. This is insane! I hope it was a bit readable! I don’t think I’m in a hurry to reply to her because I’m kind of curious to see if she’ll reach out again if I ignore her for a bit. If she really wants to get back together, she would, right?
January 27, 2021 at 2:43 pm #115718@soupcat Her liking your posts is a trivial thing and doesn’t mean much – when you stop and think about it. Lots of people like posts. And yes, if she really wanted to get back together, she would have tried to work things out with you. Since she broke up with you, she’s had a boyfriend, and now a girlfriend (by the sound of it – lack of pronouns) and it’s unkind to even tell you about them!
I don’t remember you mentioning she is bi-sexual! That alone would make most men run! A friendship might be accepted, but certainly not a romantic relationship! Yes, it seems she’s feeding you breadcrumbs and there’s no need to respond to her last message. I know you’ve invested a lot of time (years) with her, but you need to think about your future happiness over the long term.. Maybe it’s best to try and find a suitable partner who doesn’t have so many issues.
October 19, 2021 at 10:09 am #115882Hey @patricia
Been a while. I found out the guy she was seeing wasn’t a girl. Just some guy. She texted me about how he gets upset whenever she talks to him about me and the relationship we had. She wanted to know how I deal with “having had such a long relationship”.
I got upset at her for asking me for dating advice. She said “sorry you felt so attacked”.
We had a video call after that to clear things out because I felt there was a bit of miscommunication.During the video call she called the new guy her boyfriend and I asked her why she said “we used to be so cute”. She said “It was the peak of our relationship and I guess I’m sad that I’ll never have that back”.
I asked if she’d want it back and she looked away from the camera and said “I don’t think I do.” I told her that it’s stringing me along and she can’t do that. She apologized.We talked about some other things but whatever. I’m trying to use this as a way of closure but my brain is still playing tricks on me.
She kept sending me messages congratulating me on how well my comics are doing and how she keeps seeing them on the frontpage of reddit. How she’s happy I’m doing well. At some point she sent a message about a cake she made and a day later I told her we should stop talking.
How it’s unhealthy and becoming toxic.Our last exchange went like this:
– Hey I appreciate the compliments but I’ve noticed these sporadic messages you sent are becoming kind of toxic. So maybe it’s for the best we cut it out.
– Ok
– Is it anything specific ive said or you just dont want to talk to me anymore period?
– No it’s nothing specific. It’s just the breadcrumbs are not healthy.I still regret making this decision and wished I just kept talking to her but my grief was too strong. This was May 14th so about half a year ago and it feels like everyday is harder than the next.
I have notifications on messenger on mute, but keep checking in if she said anything.
I have her disabled on Facebook (we’re still “friends” but she doesn’t show up on my feed), but I keep looking at her profile.
I have her muted on Instagram so I don’t see her posts or stories, but I still check in on her account manually.
I have her entire family and everything related to her disabled to show up, but I still go and look it up. I feel like an addict.Every story I post on Instagram I check if she has seen it and she always looks at them. She has liked a few of my comics so I stopped posting them. I can’t focus at work, I’m obsessed with looking for signs. I am waiting for her to post on social media about her new boyfriend, making it official but she doesn’t (she tagged him in one of her stories).
I am in a toxic relationship with a girl now that I have been seeing since March. We were dating casually and when things got rocky I tried to break it off, but she didn’t accept that. I have blocked this girl recently to really stop seeing her but she came out for drinks with my friends (she became friends with my friends) and we reconciled that night for the third time. She knows about my ex and my problems I have with it and even though she doesn’t like it, she accepts it.
She’s gorgeous, fun, adventurous, intelligent, extroverted, financially independent. Basically everything my ex isn’t. I am trying to love her but I can’t.
We went to Italy for 12 days together and it was a lot of fun and something I never got to do with my ex. This makes me feel sad.So yeah there’s your update. I think I’m going to be fucked up for a long time. I’m on the brink of texting my ex asking her to take me back every day. I have typed messages I want to send to her but I never do.
I try to not talk about her to my friends about this so whenever someone asks about it, I end up in a tirade about it.
Bye thanks
October 30, 2021 at 8:38 am #115903@soupcat OMG! You jump from one toxic relationship to another.. You have to stop!! And quit talking about your ex with your friends as I’m sure they are sick and tired of it and that’s no way to treat them. Is this the way you want to waste your time and life by agonizing over someone who doesn’t honestly care about you anymore? Stop torturing yourself by checking her social media and looking at yours for “signs” that mean nothing. Take it day by day and before you know it, this terrible “habit” will fade away and you can spend your time doing productive things:)
You definitely need counseling by a professional! Please seek out the help you so desperately need!
I know this advice seems tough, but you have to muster up the strength you need to do what you know in your heart to be the right thing for your own mental health and well-being in the long run.. Cut all contact with both girls.. And when you’re in a good state of mind, start dating, but watch out for red flags early on and thereby avoid the heartache and drama that you’re been experiencing.
November 18, 2021 at 11:01 am #115934@patricia12 I have broken off with the girl. There was again a disagreement about how much I cared for her and I said “this was it”. She came to my house and called me over and over. I just ignored everything and decided that this needs to stop. I have been engaging in toxic behavior (I still am) but every day is a bit better than the other. One day this will stop and I’m doing my best.
I’m still on dating apps but only as a form to talk to people that are outside of my friend group (who I personally think don’t even understand what I’m going through and give horrible advice). They’re not entirely sick of it, they just don’t know how I feel because I’m always having a good time and laughing and dating girls. So they think I’m over it.
I have no intention to date girls anymore (or not even casual sex) for a long time. I’ve had enough drama this year and I think it’s time to date myself for a bit. I feel horrible for the girl and the way I treated her. I wished she had stronger boundaries and me too.I have stopped going on my ex her social media (2 weeks and counting). I’ve also stopped looking at my stories to see if she checked in on me.
My ex reached out again last Sunday after 6 months of no contact (which is triggering this post now). She asked:
“Hey, i would like to stay in some kind of touch if possible, but if you dont want this then i understand, let me know”I got anxiety and started going on Discord channels asking what to say and one channel from Magnet of Success suggested I say “Hey, let’s keep no contact unless it’s an emergency or important please”. Which I did.
I wanted to ask her “why” I wanted to ask her “whats up” I wanted to know what triggered this. I wanted to tell her she doesnt deserve me after all shes done. But I waited 24 hours and just kept my cool.
I dont’t know how things are going to go. I feel myself relapsing again, checking her Spotify for activity (she has a new “Sad” playlist), talking about her to everyone again. But I hope this feeling will pass.
Maybe one day I will block her and I will finally move on.
November 18, 2021 at 2:24 pm #115936@soupcat I’m assuming the girl your broke off with is the one your dated after your ex and went to Italy with.. (?). Talking excessively about troubles with your ex to anyone can be exhausting and depressing for most people listening to you. Therefore, I suggest you keep it to a minimum. You’re not hiding your sadness if you say things that are more positive/upbeat because that’s part of who you are – you have a joyful/grateful side too, right? Grateful for blessings in your life that have nothing to do with girls. I’m not sure if you feel badly for the way your treated your ex, the other girl, or maybe both! Try your best not to stalk Spotify or other social media. And I think you have a good plan for the remainder of the year to focus on yourself!
I suggest you NOT date just to get sex, but date someone a few times and evaluate whether that person is a good match and mentally stable before you go into a relationship.. You did treat your ex badly at times, but you attributed it to stress with your job. You must learn to separate work from other parts of your life and people!! It seems your ex is a nice person, but maybe with some psychological problems that need working through.. over time maybe all will be better with you and her, but since she’s so far away, it might be best to get yourself together mentally and then start dating in 2022.
Actually, since your ex reached out to you after 6 months of no contact, maybe you could get in touch with her after the holidays and ask her all the questions you wanted to recently. And at that time, if you think she hasn’t made any progress in her confused thinking patterns, then block her and move on for good.
I’m so sorry all this has happened to you! I pray for the best outcome for you whatever that might be!
PS: How is your career going??
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