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I am feeling so overwhelmed and ‘bad’ right now. So seeing as he said he wanted to talk with me in the next week or so when speaking to my dad – I texted today to arrange a catch up and I have had no reply. I am so ubelievably upset. I told myself in the back of my mind don’t expect a reply straight away – it might take a day or two or even a week or so but seeing as I sent it via whatsapp I can see he hasn’t even attempted to read it – I know you can read the messages by not going into whatapp but still – it kills basically.
The thing Im fighting in my mind is is he depressed and finding things very difficult right now as my gut has always said (he told me he was depressed a few days before he said I would never truly be his and ended it – and I knew he wasnt ‘right’ – plus I know from the past 14years that he suffers and struggles)
Or is it the part of my thoughts that are so evil – that he has no intention of speaking with me and is the most evil hurtful human being on the planet?? Would I love some one so intensely for 14years if this was the case – no – he was a beautiful person who loved me. So what is he doing?
Horride thoughts that is behaving like I never exsited, going out with mates, going to bars, my fears of him seeing someone else – this is all the awful panic part of my brain – but what if he is this person my panic side is imagining – surely he cant be like this? He was always so sensitive and kind.
The love of my life and I was the love of his -depression is such an awful thing and I have lost him because of it. The last day i saw him he cried and cried as did I and he hugged me and stroked my back and comforted me for hours and he walked me to my car and told me to go home and get in bed and cuddle up with my cats and he hugged me and held my hand…. and hasn’t spoken to me since…
My dad believes he is depressed and I have heard things which suggest the same – as I thought from the start – things got to much and he is under pressure he just cant face anything right now. He is staying at his dads instead of our flat again which points that he is struggling.
Any support or positives would be so comforting right now. I still believe it could get sorted but needs time and its going to be a real slow process but I cant process the hurt right now – my family have had enough of it and my counsellor who I only saw for the first time last week has cancelled my appointment and cant see me for 3 weeks.Hi Hannah, thanks for replying to my post. I really hope it is a small positive step. My family really believe so. I am in limbo though because I dont really know he thoughts about what has happened – I have no explaination so it is very painful. I spoke to a counsellor last week. She said I still sounded very hopeful that things would get sorted but at the same time I couldnt process things because theres also no closer. I really dont want to go in to any depth at all about ‘us’ when I see him, I just want it to be upbeat. Hopefully if its sunny evening I could see if he wants to meet at a beer garden or something.
The counsellor also thought it was very interesting that all of my stuff is still at our flat.
I am texting tomorrow anyway to see if he will respond and we can sort a day to meet or ‘catch up’ – I am really quite nervous about it.
Im not sure why but the last week has really, really been rough on me. I am extremely depressed and yet I should feel in a better position knowing there has been some contact. Im not stuck like I was a couple of weeks back with no response – it has moved forward. The main thing I wanted over the last month is that we get back to talking and being friendly.
I am extremely depressed like I say Ive never felt anything like it and my family are very hit and very much a miss at the same time with this. Rather mean and I am being some what bullied for my situation. I really dont know what to do – I just want to sort things out.
I think getting the house and the mention of starting a family had far more impact on me than I thought. I was obviously very ready to be settled with him and hadnt realised how ready I was or he was even. Its hit me very hard that 2 / 3weeks after he left me.@dragongirl we’ve had what I view as a blissful decade+ together. We were with each other everyday. Very content being in each others company. Always at my house, stayed over constantly. We’d go out for meals a couple of times a week. Enjoyed our holidays so much. We were one of those annoying couples that were always quietly contented we didnt even ever argue! it was heaven (it makes me so so sad)
About 3 years ago he got very stressed and under pressure as I was un well and due to have surgery and his grandad was very unwell and in hopstial and my ex was also due to have surgery but had kept it a secret. He has a real hard time with illness and hospitals as he had a brain hemorrhage wheh he was a teenager. Anyways I didnt see him for about 2 and half months – he just disappeared although we still sent texts. We sorted it all out and it was because he/ we both wanted to get a house and live together. We started looking for houses very soon after that. So the last 2 / 3 years of looking for a house has been our main stress apart from me being ill which hasnt helped. I also look after my sister alot who is unwell so it has sometimes become between me and my ex I guess.
Thats why at the start of all this all of my family, his family and myself all felt it would all get sorted out as he was under pressure so we presumed it was like he was taking time out again. It took between 2 – 3 months for use to start talking last time when he got depressed so I thought the same with this. Its been just over two months and he says he will talk now – I just wish he had been the one to approach me first. But maybe the universe is giving me a helping hand and has given me the break through in communication that I needed. I just dont know@kaila I spoke with his mum a few times when it first happened she was just as shocked as I was – well everyone was. The only thing she really knew was the house had fallen through and she couldnt understand it. She agreed that he puts himself under so much pressure and takes on far too much and is difficult to know what to do when he gets like that. She said all ‘we’ can do his give him space. I spoke to her after that and I was upset to be honest she said she has bearly seen him (surely she should go round to see him) and admitted she had a hard time talking about things herself. I am in contact with his nan and grandad and they were upset and didnt like the thought of either of us be unhappy. They said they loved me and were praying we’d sort things out. When I asked if they spoke to him about me they went quite cold and said no. I havent heard from the any of the family in a month. Its not a family that talks – they are terrible at it and its where my ex gets it from – he hides it and puts a brave face on. I believe the only person he has properly spoken about all this with is my dad.
His parents divorced about 6 years ago so I dont think my ex really knows who to turn to (his mum had an affair – he never processed that properly)Hey @kaila, thats great news! I was just about to reply by saying maybe you should ask whos going on his bike with him. But now you have the answer!
Thanks for posting a comment about my situation yesterday. I have replied to you if you get chance:Small break through – Ex says we'll meet in a week or so….What do I do?
Hi @dragongirl and @kaila here’s one of my original posts that explains in more detail
We’ve been looking on and off for a house for the past 3 years and we have had problems securing a mortgage for one reason or another. So this will be the third house that fell through. About 2 years ago we were less than a week to moving in to a house and the man we were buying from had a heart attack and pulled out of the sale last minute. We lost all the fees extra and it hit my ex very hard. We had been doing up a flat since early last summer (which was just meant to be temporary) although I hadnt moved in yet I would stay several times a week. Several reasons I didnt move in – as I have a pain condition, my sister has been ill and the flat was just not finished. I would say occassionally ‘it doesnt feel comfy’ yet (which I realise he may have miss understood) as his stuff was everywhere, he was struggling to put everything a way, you would have to walk over things to get to the bathroom, there werent curtains etc. I did help with it all but every time I turned up it was back to how it was for a quite some time! Then there was a break in and we had a plumbing issue the whole flat was water damaged. My ex got very low at this point as they whole place had to be gutted, the toilet broke, the heating went. He just didnt want to be there anymore he hated it and it was only ever meant to be temporary. Anyways in December he found a house he liked and went to view it and he asked if we could properly be together and get a place for me and him like it was meant to be. I started to look for houses and we found one we loved very quickly and made the offer – over xmas it was excepted. We were very happy, he told me he’d like a family with me, he told every one about this new house.
The offer was excepted in January. We were both low, he was depressed and I was struggling with my condition – I know I wasnt my self as I had a month plus of insomnia and it was horrible and I think it felt more intense for both of us because we knew how close it was to us finally having a house together. We just wanted it to happen already.
At the beginning of Jan we went on holiday, we were talking about what kitchens we were having etc. Mid Jan he listed our sofa and other bits on facebook as they wouldnt fit in our new house, a few days later we went shopping for sofas.
A week later he went quiet but I knew he’d been taking too much on – he over works (I think now he found out we’d lost the house at that point but he didnt tell me because we had a trip to Paris in a weeks time and it was a surprise gift at xmas which he was so excited about and didnt want to ruin it)
He was quite cold when we went away, when we got back that week I tried to get him to speak – he said he was tired and I said there was something else because he wasnt treating me nicely. Anyways he admitted we lost the sale of the house. We were intimate that night.
Two days later he said I would never truly be his and couldnt do it anymore.
My Dad asked him if he could help and my ex asked him to come to the flat to chat 5 days later and they talked about helping with the mortgage and houses and my ex mentioned a couple of things that had upset him which I already knew about. I sent a letter to him 2 weeks after telling him how I was committed to him, he was my number one and it didnt matter about the house as where ever we were together was home.
I did no contact for over 3 weeks and had sent a friendly texts since but he doesnt reply to any.
I tried to call a couple of weeks ago but he didnt pick up and about 10 days ago left a voice mail inviting him for a coffee or drink.
I found out he may have lent his dad money as his dad was moving house as well so I know that money and the house and pride is at the heart of it all. I think he started to believe we were cursed because we have had a terrible couple of years with family members passing away, the house, both of us being unwell and so on. We would joke about us being cursed I remember saying in a jokey way ‘Arent we meant to be together’ but I think the house falling through was the last straw for him. I remained reserved and didnt show I was overly excited for fear it wasnt going to happen again and I think he has thought I wasnt as committed as I should be. Infact I know thats one of the reasons too. But its all Ive ever ever wanted to be with him and to be together properly, to be our own family. I love him beyond belief. The no contact had hit me very hard and I am extremely depressed – I am pleased there has been a break through with contact but I am petrifiedHey @bmob7795 have you taken the plunge and started the texts? Is his birthday this Friday – I hope it goes well. I think you’ve just got to go for it because he is not going to make a move first. I admit I wouldnt really know how to go about it my self! I was with my ex for 14 years and I dont go to ‘bars’ etc anymore we just loved eating out together, going to the casino or watching films at home – Ive forgotten how to socialise! Most of my friends are older or with kids and I dont drink now so I find it all awkward.I even avoide situations so friends have stopped asking me (but thats a different story) But you do know what makes your ex tick – you know his likes and dislikes and you flirted with him when you first met him and it worked so it’s got to work again surely?!
If you get chance to help with my situation Ive just written a new post:
@kavan I forogt to say – here is my original post which expplains what happened. If you get chance to read through it Id be so grateful
<a href=”https://ebpforums.com/boards/topic/devastated-14year-relationship-please-please-help/”
Hi @kavan. Thanks for replying to my post. I am having such a tough time – I feel like the whole of my insides are being eaten away if you no what I mean?
I can only go with my crazy ilogical imagination with the other girl – I have no evidence and Facebook is so evil. My family think its highly unlikely that this is happening. My dad was the last to see him and said he was very emotional and teary when he speaking of us and still believes that it is due to depression and the lose of our house – he said to my dad he couldnt give me what I wanted so I know it all stems back to this. I think in his mind he thought ‘the house hasnt happened again, I cant provide for her’ – there for the relationship isnt working. A month prior to that he said he wanted a family with me – he has never said that in 14 years so I know he truely meant that and that is why this is all so difficult as it doesnt add up. (Also this other girl has a kid and I dont think if my ex was under that much pressure and not managing with ‘things’ would then go in something as complex as a person with a young kid – I mean that would be messed up – and thats the logic of it all)
I love my dad for still believing in the good in people – I have jumped to many conclusions where as my dad is sticking to what we know and he still truely believes things will sort themselves out and we will drift back together its just going to take longer than I had thought. I on the other hand am a mess. I thought I was doing ‘ok’ but its killing me right now.
How are you going about your situation? Are you still with hope and fighting for what you believe? When you say ‘show him you will be his if he wants, and make sacrifies’ how would I go about this?
Re changes I have made a big decision to end the lease on my studio (I am a self employed jeweller) this is a huge deal. I am going to do that part time from home and get a second job so that I can contribute to my own future ie my own place or ideally in reality I would like to show my ex that I can contribute to a house together so we will not need to fear loosing the mortgage again. This is also a big deal as I have been unwell for many years – going for it and getting another job will be a huge battle againt my pain condition too but will hopefully shoe him how much I want this – for the house and our future.
Im also starting a course from home as well to support the search of a new job and while I have this time at home I will try to manage my pain condition – I start some new meds this week.
I am so so so so sad. You know the feeling though with you 10 years of memories? I hate that the upset of him not talking to me is making me not be able to remember him or us properly right now. Its all tainted with nastiness
I have this awful feeling he is seeing someone. I am in so much pain – please help me.
Its not a fact but there is alot of activity on his facebook page. This unknown girl and her friend keep liking his posts and I noticed he had liked several of her profile updates. 14 years together – its been 2 months – we still havent sorted the flat or any of my belongings. He is close to my father and promised he would speak with me. He has ignored me – full stop. How could someone who loved me for 14 years do this. Ive been so understanding because I thought he was depressed. I am disgusted. The pain is too much to bear.
what is the point????I think you need to view it as a new relationship. Carry on in the same way as if you had just met the guy so playing it cool and you gotta go for it and start to attempt some flirty texts!! Its got to be done because you can see how he responds then and if it was quite the response you wanted – play it cool for a couple of weeks and try again. Texts are a good way to start the ball rolling. Thats’ really great that you are back on good terms – that should give you a real boost – I havent spoken to my ex in 2 months he just wont respond at all – we’d been together 14 years.
@KD1988 thanks for that post it does comfort me. He is very sensitive, near never gets angry and is generally a very kind person so I can only hope or hold onto that fact that this behaviour is not like him at all. How utterly cowardly though as well. My family still say its just going to take longer than we thought and he will come through soon enough but what he is doing also isnt ‘on’. Its difficult – I cant really put it in to words there are so many feelings flying around. Im still crying every day but alot down to the shear hurt and confusion of not hearing from him. We were inseperable for 14years.
@brokenhearted12 Im pleased to say in the entire 2 months I have sent less than 10 texts in total! And only 1 voicemail which I left yesterday asking if he fancied meeting for a coffee. I did try to go round to see him last week but it seems he is staying at his dads over the last two weeks or so which I can only take that going back to his childhood home is a form of trying to seek comfort.
The next plan is not on my part – I will leave it now for a coupple of weeks maybe but my dad plans to have a chat with him as they have spoken before since this has all happened. After that I may write a ‘clean slate’ letter and just leave it. I mean I do have options and am no way giving up but the space thing and not pushing it is very important to me. Along the road I can always re text and see if wants to meet as friends for coffee, and can go round to see him again as he has all my stuff. I can always speak with his family at some point if I feel its right.I read online that if they still have your belongings its because they are holding onto it to possibly initiate contact at a later date, if they are moving or are not staying in their home its because its is too painful for them to be where you were together, ignoring you can mean they still love you and/ or are still hurt by something and need more time. There are lots of other small things Ive noticed that keep me going
When you texted last did he reply – who ended the messages first? Have you read up on text your ex back advise in more depth? Have a look at this website – I found it quite interesting http://www.exboyfriendrecovery.com/
I ask this because he if didnt reply to your text last you need to leave it about 10 days or so before you do re text and I would follow the texting rules – don’t buy into the ‘buy this product today’ just read the free advise.
You should wish him a happy birthday but keep it light its never a bad thing to be friendly just dont be over friendly straight a way as you have only been back in contact for a month.
Ask to meet for a quick coffee when you’ve exchanged a few more texts ‘I’ll be at such and such next week if you fancy a quick coffee’? And take it from there……
