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So I have been with my ex for 14 years and we bought a house at the start of the year. We lost the sale of the house a couple of weeks before moving in and my ex got depressed and under pressure and said ‘I would never truly be his’ and ended it. He spoke to my father soon after about ‘us’ houses, mortgages etc and said he would speak to me when things were less ‘raw’. Its been 2 months since and I havent been able to get him to respond at all.
However – my dad managed to speak to him today and he said he planned to speak with me in the next week or two. It was a brief chat as he was at work and a call I dont think he was expecting – he did say to my dad that he hadnt changed his mind which did upset me (ALOT). But then again he wouldnt say ‘oh yes hello – yes I made a terrible mistake’ to my dad after all this time!
My family say it can only be a positive as a least we CAN now progress back in to talking stage and hopefully back to ‘friendly’ talk at least. It may be that its just to early still for him – 14 years is a very very long time. We were about to start a family together.
Any help with this? I wasnt going to bring up the relationship just keep it friendly and upbeat and tell him about good changes and so on. Maybe call or text next week to arrange when and where to meet. I think a coffee or a drink would be good as its more of a friendly open environment?
I am in it for the long hall to win him back – just getting chatting and go from there. My father is the only one whos spoke to him through out this and says he is depressed and confused and doesnt know his own mind at the moment – he is having difficulties and slowly with time will drift back together.
If you’ve read any of my other posts you will see Ive found the whole thing unbearable
Any help or advise on how to approach all of this would be really helpfulQuite a long time to be with someone. My best friend also is going through a divorce after being with her man for 14 years. So all of your problems are associated with a house?? Guys mean what they say and say what they mean. Us girls like to think there’s a million different interpretations when a guy says something. But truly they are pretty clear. Has you talked to him at all through any means or is he just ignoring everything? Why is your dad talking to him? I would imagine it would feel really awkward to talk to an ex’s father. And even if he wasn’t busy at work, he would have made that talk as short as possible for a few reasons. How often have you texted/called him since you broke up? Need more background info to help ya out
PixiePie, I think you are going ok by taking your time… 14 years is indeed a long time. But you need to be sure about the reason he broke up with you. Otherwise how do you know how to react? Do you have contact with his family?
@pixiepie and @dragongirl could you give me your opinion about the text he sent me today? I don’t understand if he is inviting me or not https://ebpforums.com/boards/topic/he-says-he-would-like-to-get-back-but/page/18/Hi @dragongirl and @kaila here’s one of my original posts that explains in more detail
We’ve been looking on and off for a house for the past 3 years and we have had problems securing a mortgage for one reason or another. So this will be the third house that fell through. About 2 years ago we were less than a week to moving in to a house and the man we were buying from had a heart attack and pulled out of the sale last minute. We lost all the fees extra and it hit my ex very hard. We had been doing up a flat since early last summer (which was just meant to be temporary) although I hadnt moved in yet I would stay several times a week. Several reasons I didnt move in – as I have a pain condition, my sister has been ill and the flat was just not finished. I would say occassionally ‘it doesnt feel comfy’ yet (which I realise he may have miss understood) as his stuff was everywhere, he was struggling to put everything a way, you would have to walk over things to get to the bathroom, there werent curtains etc. I did help with it all but every time I turned up it was back to how it was for a quite some time! Then there was a break in and we had a plumbing issue the whole flat was water damaged. My ex got very low at this point as they whole place had to be gutted, the toilet broke, the heating went. He just didnt want to be there anymore he hated it and it was only ever meant to be temporary. Anyways in December he found a house he liked and went to view it and he asked if we could properly be together and get a place for me and him like it was meant to be. I started to look for houses and we found one we loved very quickly and made the offer – over xmas it was excepted. We were very happy, he told me he’d like a family with me, he told every one about this new house.
The offer was excepted in January. We were both low, he was depressed and I was struggling with my condition – I know I wasnt my self as I had a month plus of insomnia and it was horrible and I think it felt more intense for both of us because we knew how close it was to us finally having a house together. We just wanted it to happen already.
At the beginning of Jan we went on holiday, we were talking about what kitchens we were having etc. Mid Jan he listed our sofa and other bits on facebook as they wouldnt fit in our new house, a few days later we went shopping for sofas.
A week later he went quiet but I knew he’d been taking too much on – he over works (I think now he found out we’d lost the house at that point but he didnt tell me because we had a trip to Paris in a weeks time and it was a surprise gift at xmas which he was so excited about and didnt want to ruin it)
He was quite cold when we went away, when we got back that week I tried to get him to speak – he said he was tired and I said there was something else because he wasnt treating me nicely. Anyways he admitted we lost the sale of the house. We were intimate that night.
Two days later he said I would never truly be his and couldnt do it anymore.
My Dad asked him if he could help and my ex asked him to come to the flat to chat 5 days later and they talked about helping with the mortgage and houses and my ex mentioned a couple of things that had upset him which I already knew about. I sent a letter to him 2 weeks after telling him how I was committed to him, he was my number one and it didnt matter about the house as where ever we were together was home.
I did no contact for over 3 weeks and had sent a friendly texts since but he doesnt reply to any.
I tried to call a couple of weeks ago but he didnt pick up and about 10 days ago left a voice mail inviting him for a coffee or drink.
I found out he may have lent his dad money as his dad was moving house as well so I know that money and the house and pride is at the heart of it all. I think he started to believe we were cursed because we have had a terrible couple of years with family members passing away, the house, both of us being unwell and so on. We would joke about us being cursed I remember saying in a jokey way ‘Arent we meant to be together’ but I think the house falling through was the last straw for him. I remained reserved and didnt show I was overly excited for fear it wasnt going to happen again and I think he has thought I wasnt as committed as I should be. Infact I know thats one of the reasons too. But its all Ive ever ever wanted to be with him and to be together properly, to be our own family. I love him beyond belief. The no contact had hit me very hard and I am extremely depressed – I am pleased there has been a break through with contact but I am petrified@kaila I spoke with his mum a few times when it first happened she was just as shocked as I was – well everyone was. The only thing she really knew was the house had fallen through and she couldnt understand it. She agreed that he puts himself under so much pressure and takes on far too much and is difficult to know what to do when he gets like that. She said all ‘we’ can do his give him space. I spoke to her after that and I was upset to be honest she said she has bearly seen him (surely she should go round to see him) and admitted she had a hard time talking about things herself. I am in contact with his nan and grandad and they were upset and didnt like the thought of either of us be unhappy. They said they loved me and were praying we’d sort things out. When I asked if they spoke to him about me they went quite cold and said no. I havent heard from the any of the family in a month. Its not a family that talks – they are terrible at it and its where my ex gets it from – he hides it and puts a brave face on. I believe the only person he has properly spoken about all this with is my dad.
His parents divorced about 6 years ago so I dont think my ex really knows who to turn to (his mum had an affair – he never processed that properly)@dragongirl we’ve had what I view as a blissful decade+ together. We were with each other everyday. Very content being in each others company. Always at my house, stayed over constantly. We’d go out for meals a couple of times a week. Enjoyed our holidays so much. We were one of those annoying couples that were always quietly contented we didnt even ever argue! it was heaven (it makes me so so sad)
About 3 years ago he got very stressed and under pressure as I was un well and due to have surgery and his grandad was very unwell and in hopstial and my ex was also due to have surgery but had kept it a secret. He has a real hard time with illness and hospitals as he had a brain hemorrhage wheh he was a teenager. Anyways I didnt see him for about 2 and half months – he just disappeared although we still sent texts. We sorted it all out and it was because he/ we both wanted to get a house and live together. We started looking for houses very soon after that. So the last 2 / 3 years of looking for a house has been our main stress apart from me being ill which hasnt helped. I also look after my sister alot who is unwell so it has sometimes become between me and my ex I guess.
Thats why at the start of all this all of my family, his family and myself all felt it would all get sorted out as he was under pressure so we presumed it was like he was taking time out again. It took between 2 – 3 months for use to start talking last time when he got depressed so I thought the same with this. Its been just over two months and he says he will talk now – I just wish he had been the one to approach me first. But maybe the universe is giving me a helping hand and has given me the break through in communication that I needed. I just dont knowI would say take it very very slow – but that this could potentially be a good small starting step. Keep the meeting to business only and don’t emotionally overload it. It sounds like aside from some problems you two had over the years, you two were a solid pair. He needs to see though that you are ok without him.
I am also really close to my ex’s family, and I have intentionally kept all of my feelings about him and the break-up from them, because I know whatever I say to them will get back to him. It sounds like you haven’t talked to them too much recently, but I think that coming up, if the topic does come up again, be very judicial with what you tell them.
I hope that it goes well, please let us know!
Hi Hannah, thanks for replying to my post. I really hope it is a small positive step. My family really believe so. I am in limbo though because I dont really know he thoughts about what has happened – I have no explaination so it is very painful. I spoke to a counsellor last week. She said I still sounded very hopeful that things would get sorted but at the same time I couldnt process things because theres also no closer. I really dont want to go in to any depth at all about ‘us’ when I see him, I just want it to be upbeat. Hopefully if its sunny evening I could see if he wants to meet at a beer garden or something.
The counsellor also thought it was very interesting that all of my stuff is still at our flat.
I am texting tomorrow anyway to see if he will respond and we can sort a day to meet or ‘catch up’ – I am really quite nervous about it.
Im not sure why but the last week has really, really been rough on me. I am extremely depressed and yet I should feel in a better position knowing there has been some contact. Im not stuck like I was a couple of weeks back with no response – it has moved forward. The main thing I wanted over the last month is that we get back to talking and being friendly.
I am extremely depressed like I say Ive never felt anything like it and my family are very hit and very much a miss at the same time with this. Rather mean and I am being some what bullied for my situation. I really dont know what to do – I just want to sort things out.
I think getting the house and the mention of starting a family had far more impact on me than I thought. I was obviously very ready to be settled with him and hadnt realised how ready I was or he was even. Its hit me very hard that 2 / 3weeks after he left me.I totally get that. I know that sinking hopeless feeling. What has really really helped me – and I know everyone says this and its almost impossible to do initially – but focus on you. I recently bought a book called “the happiness hypothesis” and I really recommend it.
I’ve really been working on taking slow deep breaths whenever I feel overwhelmed, and I found a little mantra that I repeat to myself anytime things get too much. I close my eyes and think to myself “I deeply and wholeheartedly love and accept myself” – a little corny but I repeat it until I feel my blood pressure lowering and the anxiety going away. If you try it let me know how it goes 🙂
You can do this! The key is remaining calm and making sure that everything you say and do is from a sober and well thought out stance – no immediate gut reactions.
Let me know how everything goes 🙂 I’m send you very very good vibes!
I am feeling so overwhelmed and ‘bad’ right now. So seeing as he said he wanted to talk with me in the next week or so when speaking to my dad – I texted today to arrange a catch up and I have had no reply. I am so ubelievably upset. I told myself in the back of my mind don’t expect a reply straight away – it might take a day or two or even a week or so but seeing as I sent it via whatsapp I can see he hasn’t even attempted to read it – I know you can read the messages by not going into whatapp but still – it kills basically.
The thing Im fighting in my mind is is he depressed and finding things very difficult right now as my gut has always said (he told me he was depressed a few days before he said I would never truly be his and ended it – and I knew he wasnt ‘right’ – plus I know from the past 14years that he suffers and struggles)
Or is it the part of my thoughts that are so evil – that he has no intention of speaking with me and is the most evil hurtful human being on the planet?? Would I love some one so intensely for 14years if this was the case – no – he was a beautiful person who loved me. So what is he doing?
Horride thoughts that is behaving like I never exsited, going out with mates, going to bars, my fears of him seeing someone else – this is all the awful panic part of my brain – but what if he is this person my panic side is imagining – surely he cant be like this? He was always so sensitive and kind.
The love of my life and I was the love of his -depression is such an awful thing and I have lost him because of it. The last day i saw him he cried and cried as did I and he hugged me and stroked my back and comforted me for hours and he walked me to my car and told me to go home and get in bed and cuddle up with my cats and he hugged me and held my hand…. and hasn’t spoken to me since…
My dad believes he is depressed and I have heard things which suggest the same – as I thought from the start – things got to much and he is under pressure he just cant face anything right now. He is staying at his dads instead of our flat again which points that he is struggling.
Any support or positives would be so comforting right now. I still believe it could get sorted but needs time and its going to be a real slow process but I cant process the hurt right now – my family have had enough of it and my counsellor who I only saw for the first time last week has cancelled my appointment and cant see me for 3 weeks.
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