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I have been with my bf for 14 years. In january we bought a house and at xmas he said he wanted a family with me. Over the last few months he had been constantly telling me how much he loved me and how I was the other half of him etc. He had been under a huge amount of pressure over the last few months not related to the relationship and when this tends to happen he digs in deeper taking more on to distract himself. I have also been very unwell over the last few months. He bought us a trip to paris and bought a padlock to put on the bridge – our trip was the start of February but I could tell he was struggling he was quiet not showing his feelings. Two days before valentines he admitted we had lost the sale of the house and said he was depressed. I didnt react very well as he had been very cold 2 weeks prior. I believe he found out about the house about 2 weeks ago but didnt want to say to ruin the paris trip. On valentines day he said he couldnt do it anymore as I would never truely be his. I was hysterical of course. I havent spoke to him or seen him in 3 weeks. My dad spoke to him a week after which he was very open to doing and i took that as a good sign. They said they would speak in 2 weeks time but he has since ignored my dads text. I sent him a letter explaining things etc but I really dont know what to do. When he is under pressure he pushes me away and some how turns outside issues into issues with our relationship.
what do I do?? Am am distraught, having panic attacts
, I am physically shaking and am scared to death
Please give any advise I dont know what to do?? Please helpHi your situation is bad but I’m sure it will all work out he must love u. I’m sure all this pressure is making him act funnily. Try not to panic. I know it’s easy for me to say but 14 years is a long time
Thankyou. Do you think it will – I believe it will its the waiting that hurts so much. Within the space of 2 weeks he did a complete u turn. He thinks that the reason we are both depressed it because of us. This has happened before 2/ 3 years ago again under pressure his grandad was ill, I was having surgery and so was he except he didnt tell me. He didnt end it then though just sort of disappeared for a couple of months – although we did exchange the odd clinical text. In the end it was to do with use living together and getting a house. We’ve been trying to get a house for the last 2 years since that and that in itself is a huge pressure which is why I presume ‘ you’ll never truely be mine’ refers to living together. Maybe he is going to need more time. My dad says that last time was the same thing he just didnt say he couldnt be with me to my face. And because he has done it before it will also get fixed again he has a huge amount if trouble dealing eith emotions and trying to put them in the right order. His parents divorced a few years back which really affected him. What do you think?? Im 32 he is 30
You need to give him time and space. You’re going to have to keep your head down and not pester, contact or push him further away. He’s not going to give everything up just like that and maybe the realisation of everything has freaked him out. By backing off he will calm down over time and put everything into perspective. How ever much you want to reach out to him it’s really important you keep a good distance from him. The more desperate you become the more he will back away from you.
Yes 14 years is a long time and every long term relationship has reality checks now and then. Just give him space. If he has a tendency to disappear when things get too much then this would obviously have to be addressed when things calm down. You don’t want to be with someone who abandons ship every time life gets a bit tricky.
Just hang on in there, freak out, cry, eat chocolate do what ever you have to but don’t chase. The happier he sees you the more he will wonder why!
Thank you Belle.
I think considering the situation I have stayed reserved which is good (behind closed doors its the complete opposite and I actually feel very unwell – I have been to the doctors to help with panics etc)
A few days after he said he couldn’t be with me he changed his whatsap status to icons of a frogface (my nickname) a cup of tea/ hot choc which if you knew me is my signature thing so I sent a message asking how he was. (So strange that he did that on whatsap?? He has kept the standard ‘hi Im using whatsap’ message for years) Other than that just a letter to try and clear the air and to apolygise and remind him of happy times.
Re my dad I worry this is pushing him but also its between them and my bf said that he did want to see my dad in a couple weeks. My bf isnt really talking to anyone else so I think its important my dad is there for him when he is ready particularly as he is confused and depressed.(my dad is also aware that he must not push and it must be my bfs choice to talk and meet up)
It is a problem him pusing people away as he does it with his family as well. In particular his mum and grand parents – they have said they have barely seen or spot to him in weeks (in normal circumstane you would think you want the comfort of your family) but he hides and trys to deal with ‘everything’ all himself.
We had a kitten in September but it was very un well and my bf couldnt cope and was going to give the kitten up – I had to say it wasnt fair it wasnt the cats fault and persuade otherwise. I reminded him of this when he said he couldnt do it anymore – pushes everything away. That got to him because it made him angry. He nevvvver gets angry. We have had maybe one proper argument in 14years which we always thought was amazing but is also now a con because we never tell each other when something upsets us.
I was thinking of sending a text in a couple more weeks as it will be over 4 weeks since the letter? Just friendly reminding him of a film we love or something similar?
Any help / input would be great – this is pure torture – I feel so ill
ThanksNo he doesn’t. Ive suggested he should. When he told me he was depressed I said he should speak to someone and then he flips it ‘im not that bad’ and yet prior he said he thought of bad thoughts and at xmas wanted to leave everything and move away. He is very naughty. I think thats another reason he pushed me away because he opened up to me and then he decided he didnt like saying it so ‘backed out’. Doesnt want to appear weak his pride is overwhelming
Be very very careful of a depressed partner. If he is suffering from a clinical case of depression, then distance yourself from him for your own emotional safety, he’ll blow hot and cold, love then hate you, be close then pull away, and you’ll land up insane. I went through it, be very careful.
That is so unfortunate :/ people shouldn’t feel that way about seeking help… I have done it soon after the break up, and I should have done it years ago. Maybe I wouldn’t be in this situation right now
I think it will pass it is just the circumstance we are in because we needed to ideally leave the flat we are in hense why the house was so important. Amongst other things which are too longbwinded to go on about. Ive been low too due to a pain condition and work issues so I will take this time to deal with my health and job etc and it will show him when we speak how things can only get better between us. Show him of the improvements and my commitment to wanting it to work. I may start seeing a crisis counselor at my local surgery. My dad says this will also show my bf how willing I am to correct the situation and it will help me too
Could anyone give advise on how to go about contacting my partner and when. I am hoping we can start to talk things through by another months time – its nearly been 4 weeks but is a extremely tricky situation (please see other posts) I am having a very very bad day, don’t know what to do I cant believe this is happening??
depends on you. I thought i was ready to contact my ex, and when i didnt get the replies i wanted, it made me worse. Dont contact your ex till you can honestly say it doesnt matter if you get them back or not
Take your time. In fact don’t worry about time at all. You two will speak again. It’s really hard right now but have faith that things will be ok. Work on yourself, you’re making the right moves. If it feels right, contact him to say you want to work things out and that you’re helping yourself to make yourself better.
If you’re second guessing yourself at every turn, then it’s not the right time to contact him. You might not feel like it right now, but you know how to make your own situation right better than anyone else.
You can do it! Positive mental attitude.
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